Halloween Shit

YAY! It's Halloween and I'm happy! I thought I'd post a picture or two of some of this year's handiwork.
Naiomi finally decided to go as a drag queen, or more accurately, a chick pretending to be a dude pretending to be a chick. She made herself some fake boobies out of balloons filled with rice. They looked good but they didn't quite have that "boobie" feel to them. The knot in the balloon also made an excellent nipple.

She had fun playing with them, well, everyone had fun playing with them.

Here's a closer look at her face. The picture doesn't do her lips justice. I used a thick goopy lips gloss over the red lipstick and then pressed heavy glitter in to the gloss. It was FAB-ulous!
I unfortunately don't have a picture of the costume I made for my friend's kid. Hopefully she'll take a few so I can post them.
All in all it was a pretty slow year, but everything worked out well and I think everyone was reasonably happy.

From Me To You 16

I haven't done one of these in a while and I wouldn't want you all to think I don't care about your well being, so here we go.

- Never, and I can't stress this enough, NEVER do any kind of custom work without getting money first. Regardless of who it's for. Especially for musicians. Even more so for metal guys. Trust me.

- Offering last minute invites to people is just insulting. Don't bother, most people would rather be mad at you than feel like you pity them.

- Making fun of someone who is well within eye stabbing range and is holding something with which they may stab, is a really, really bad idea.

- If you're doing something embarrassing in a place where you might get caught, chances are you'll get caught.

- People can see you in your car. Trust me. Singing along with the radio animatedly, picking your nose and any of the other ridiculous things you think no one can see are clearly visible through the car windows. You look like an ass by the way.

That's Right, There's Only One Of Me

Thank God, I know.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

And I Don't Even Like Cake

I'm not much of a girly-girl and I certainly don't sit around day dreaming about my wedding. In fact, just typing that made me gag a little. But that aside, should hell ever freeze over and I actually get married, this is the cake I want.



Best... Cake... Ever.

Grumble, Grumble, Cough, Grumble...

Whoever first said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger was a fucking moron and they probably didn't come up with that little gem after spending four days being horrendously ill or puking their guts out for twelve hours straight. Trust me on that one, because I've done it and I can say with absolute certainty that I do not feel stronger.
A mere 24 hours ago I wasn't thinking to myself "Gee, I bet this makes me stronger", though I was having some fairly cozy thoughts of death. Even now that I've finished puking I would still have to improve to feel like death warmed over. At the rate I'm going I should buy stock in Kleenex and ginger ale.
I keep asking Naiomi to put me out of my misery, but she keeps coming up with bullshit excuses like "legalities".
It's nice to know who I can turn to in my hour of need.
My mother was kind enough to drop off some ginger ale and gravol for me, which I thought was nice until she burst in, dropped the stuff on the floor, told me she didn't want to get too close and ran. Also she later told me that when she got back to her car she doused herself, the steering wheel and the driver door panel with hand sanitizer.
Where would we all be without that motherly love?
I think being sick is making me a little grumpy.

Whoa, Slow Down There

Last night Naiomi and I went over to Russ's place to watch cartoons (yes, a group of adults were sitting around on a Saturday night watching cartoons) and a couple more people ended up coming over as well. One of them, for the purposes of this post we'll call Eh Steve.
Eh Steve seems like a pretty cool dude and I just want to take this opportunity to thank him. You see Eh Steve taught us all a very valuable lesson - Sometimes you shouldn't offer information too quickly.
I'll give you an example. If the cops were to show up at your house asking about some dead guy, don't just jump right in with "he wasn't here, I think I saw him at Joe's place." You should probably go with "What dead guy?"
Same goes with what happened to Eh Steve.
We were talking about Clerks 2 and Silence of the lambs, more importantly the "Man-gina" scenes in both. Russ asks "What's a man-gina?" (as I'm sure many of you may be asking yourselves). Eh Steve made the unfortunate misjudgment in timing and jumped right in there with "It's when you tuck your wiener between your legs and it looks like you have a vagina."
In hindsight, the "I know what I'm talking about" tone he seemed to get when giving his little explaination probably didn't help him out to much after we burst out laughing.
So thanks Eh Steve for this valuable lesson. I'm sure it won't be soon forgotten.

So I'm thinking about giving up sewing...

Halloween is coming, in case there are a few freaks left who were unaware. I love Halloween and I love helping people with their make-up and what-not. That being said, I don't know how I managed to get myself wrangled into making a costume for my co-workers two year old.
I shouldn't say that. I don't mind. I'm happy I can help out, because I remember how much my costumes meant to me growing up. I know how to sew and it's nothing terribly difficult. The problem is that making a costume involves (typically) going to the fabric store.
As much as I love to sew, my mother along with my own experiences have instilled in me a deep hate for all fabric stores and their employees.
If you hadn't guessed already, I've just gotten back from one.
What the hell is it about fabric stores that makes them so universally aggravating? The isles are always cramped, things are a perpetual mess with no regard to any actual order and their staff seems to be required to be the oldest, bitchiest, least helpful band of wankers on the planet.
I have yet to find even one fabric store with even one helpful employee. I could put up with a bitchy sales person so long as they're helpful (your level of helpfulness must be equal or greater than your bitchiness, mind you), but to be uselessly stupid and bitchy pushes me beyond what I can handle.
And of course to top off their mind-numbing douche baggery they all look at you with that "You're so stupid you're not worth my fucking time" look. Of all the bullshit, ass-hatted, bollocks - that look pisses me off faster than any other. I could just smack that look off their haggard faces with a crowbar.
I just wish that at least one person could explain to me why this is!? Why this area of sales seems to be home to the absolute dregs of sales and customer service?
I fucking hate people.

Turkeys Take Cover!

So it's Thanksgiving again. I did the whole family thing and ate myself stupid. I also managed to muster up enough interest to make not only a chocolate-mascarpone cheese cake, but also a chocolate pretzel basket of mushroom cookies (no actual mushrooms were injured during the making of these cookies). All in all it wasn't a total bust.
This weekend could have been better, what with the near poisoning, the rain, the lack of stones tickets, and my inability to complete 90% of the tasks I should have been working on. Oh well, I got some sleep at least. Not a lot, but some.
In honour of today here are some things I'm thankful for.

- Cheese cake
- Chocolate
- My cats, most of the time
- Having a house to live in
- My friends, most of the time
- Having access to a car
- My family, most of the time

Lesson Learned

There's been an on going battle at my house, between Naiomi and myself.
She likes lights, lots of them, bright lights. I, however, am quite content to sit in the semi-dark. So when a few bulbs burnt out around the house I wasn't frantic to replace them. In fact, the light in my room has been burnt out for months and I have no plans to replace it at all. But Naiomi, being the crazy person she is, bought some new bulbs and replaced the dead ones.
After she replaced one of the bulbs in the bathroom I noticed that there was some mold starting to grow up near the ceiling (yeah, I know. We've gotta get a fan in there). I decided I should do something about it before it got worse, so I got out the bleach and some rubber gloves.
My cats, the assholes that they are, get in to everything, so I closed the door to the bathroom and set to work. A tub of hot water and bleach later the wall was sparkling clean and my eyes were burning. Closing the door was probably a bad idea, thinking back on it.
I really didn't think that I was using that much bleach or that I'd been in the bathroom for long enough for it to be a problem, but stepping out of the bathroom I realized I had misjudged.
Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe and all I could smell was this horrible sour smell (which also became a nasty taste in my mouth). You know that sour, bleachy kinda smell that lingers in your nose after you've been swimming for a long time? Yeah. Now imagine that as all you can smell in an overpowering stench kinda way. Let me tell you, it's not so much fun as it sounds.
Like all perfectly rational people who realize they can't breathe, I panicked. Panicking, by the way, doesn't help so much with the not being able to breathe. So went outside to see if the fresh air would help.
It did, a little, with the breathing - not the smell.
I then called the health line who put me in touch with poison control. After about an hour on the phone with them, they decided I didn't have to go to the hospital but made me promise that if I got worse that I would go immediately.
This morning I was still feeling shitty so I got to spend about 2 hours at the doctors office.
The moral of the story is, this is all Naiomi's fault.
If she would have left the bathroom dim like it should be I wouldn't have noticed the mold and I would never have gotten myself in to this mess in the first place.

Halloween Confusion

I may be the only one, but I find this package a little confusing.
For years I've wondered what the hell rabbits had to do with Easter eggs, especially when Cadbury came out with commercials including a clucking rabbit that laid eggs.
Do they really want me to believe that rabbits lay chocolate, cream filled eggs? And that they cluck? Where the hell did this rabbit/egg association come from in the first place?
Now they've added a whole new dimension to this rabbit/egg nonsense. They've moved the whole thing to Halloween. What the fuck?
This is where I put my foot down. Hershey's has gone too far.
What the fuck do eggs and rabbits have to do with Halloween? And not just any eggs and rabbits, but apparently rotten eggs and vampire rabbits.
I mean, sure, you can egg peoples houses on Halloween, but is this
something they're trying to encourage? And do they now want me to believe that not only do rabbits lay chocolate, cream filled eggs, but that vampire rabbits lay candy coated chocolate eggs? And I mean Vampire Rabbits??!! Seriously?
Do they drink the blood of the living so they may continue in their unholy existence and serve as spokes-rabbits for their unborn chocolaty offspring? And why would they want you to consume said chocolaty unborn offspring?
Jesus...

Happy Birthday, Groucho

I suspect I'm the only one to whom this really matters, but it's Groucho's birthday today.
I just may have to watch Animal Crackers later to celebrate.

WHAM!

So I'm stuck at work, and the radio's on. I'm not a fan of the radio to begin with, but it breaks up the boredom a little. (Unless this is Sarah, in which case - ignore most of that.) But the radio is tuned to Z99.
I think I prefer the sound of cats in heat to this fucking station.
Just now they're playing Wham. Seriously. Wake me up before you go go. Jesus.
And all I can think is "Orange Mocha Frappuccino!"

Joke of the Week

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Highlight here ---> Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Leaving

Jessica is leaving the library to go to a branch. The jerk.
I hope you don't think that this means you'll be rid of me!

It Be Talk Like A Pirate Day

Sept. 19 be international talk like a pirate day, yeh scurvy dogs. So have a bit o' grog, swab the deck and walk the plank.

Seriously, What The Hell Is The Matter With You?

So I'm at home, chatting with my cousin (who just moved away and who I haven't seen in a month) and working on my personal shit. Naiomi is in the shower (That's right gents, naked and wet). She left her cell on the coffee table, like she always does, and while I'm chatting away I hear it ring (the ringer's kinda loud, so it's pretty hard to miss), but I'm busy so I let it ring. She's got call display and I'm not too worried about it.
Here's where I get annoyed.
It keeps ringing and ringing and ringing. Then stops. They figured out I'm not going to answer. About three seconds later it starts ringing again. This happens a total of five times before I finally get pissed and answer it.
The dipshit, who I don't like to begin with, laughs and says she was just going to keep calling until someone answered and told her where Naioni is.
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Who calls five time in a row and lets it ring!? If no one's answering then they're busy, not around or don't want to talk to you. How fucking stupid do you have to be to figure this one out?
Jesus Christ on crutches! I hate people.

Somebody's Been A Baaaad Boy

Here's another amusing news report.
My favourite line in the whole thing, hands down, because he used it as his wife.

Crazy Cat Lady

No, not me - Naiomi. I think she's finally cracked.
Yesterday I'm lying on the couch. Both cats are lying by the front door. Naiomi walks past me and into the kitchen and to the bathroom... this is what I hear:

Naiomi: Meow!

And I'm thinking what the hell is she doing? Neither of the cats are in the kitchen. And then she comes out with this:

Naiomi: I think I'm retarded!

Me: Why?

Naiomi: I just meowed at the picture of the cat of the side of the box of litter.

At that point I just laughed, hysterically.

Naiomi: And you were wondering what the hell I was doing, weren't you? Because the cats are right there!

Me: Yeah. (laugh some more)

Her response?

Naiomi: What, you don't say hello to pictures of people?

Yep, she's lost her mind.
It took me a whole year, but I've driven her over the edge.

The Cute Planet

I found this news report earlier today. It's not supposed to be humorous, but I find something very funny about a planet being referred to as fluffy.
They could make HAT-P-1 plush toys. And after that, they should definitely come up with a cuter name, like Snookums. That's right, planet Snookums.
Imagine being attacked by aliens from the planet Snookums. You'd never be able to take them seriously. They'd be all "We come to conquer your planet for the Snookums empire!" and everyone would just laugh and be all "Yeah right! Snookums! Hahaha!" And then they'd probably kill everyone who laughed and take the rest as slaves, slaves of the Snookums empire.
It probably wouldn't sound so damned cute after that.

Germans Are Weird

I don't even know how I found this site in the first place, but it is certainly home to some of the strangest products I've ever seen.
I think I want the stain/pot holder.

So...

I've switched Kill The Body to beta.
If you're having trouble posting try posting under "other". This seems like it's only happening with people who have blogger accounts who haven't switched to beta. Please let me know if there are any other problems.

3000!

Holy shit!
3000 hits?
Wow.

They Grow Up So Fast, Don't They?

Our lovable, simple, man-child cousin is leaving us in the name of education. G will be heading off to the vast metropolis of Calgary in the next couple of days and shall be missed. So if you're in Calgary and you happen to see this guy wandering around, looking confused, please try and give him good directions. If at all possible write them down, maybe draw a map... Actually if you could just take him to wherever he needs to go, that would be great.
Good luck, Dude. Try not to get lost and come and visit so we can all go for coffee. Me and Steve need someone to annoy the shit out of.

Kitties

Well now that I've got that angry post out of the way (and I feel much better), here's a picture of my kitties. Everybody loves kitties. Everybody!



And for some reason which I cannot even begin to remember, I found this picture in my camera...



If you can't guess (and let's hope you can't), it's a shot of Naiomi's crotch. Why this picture is still in my camera is beyond me. So I share it with you, I'm just that giving.

Magnum Bitch

Dear Magnum Bitch,
That's right, you, the one in the brand new Dodge Magnum. (I know exactly what kind of car you were driving, by the way, but it was hard to not notice as I came awfully close to getting an up close and personal meeting with your shit mobile.) Would it be too much to ask that you pull your head out of your ass just long enough to shoulder check?
Were you looking to add a smear of Suzuki to your lovely new paint job? Have you had too many face lifts to be able to turn your empty little head? Botox eaten away at your ability to reason? Or maybe, just maybe, you are a uselessly stupid bitch who's unaware that swerving into the lane next to you during six o'clock traffic on a fairly busy road without so much as a glance is a really fucking stupid idea!
And by the way, my angrily honking and every single expletive I screamed at you were entirely warranted. You, along with anyone else who almost runs me into the ditch, will get exactly the same response every damned time.
Also, just so you're aware, had I not swerved, I'm fairly certain that your kid would have ended up in my car. Way to go, not only are you a menace to other drivers, but to your own family as well.
One final thing, you're driving a car that is so ugly it should be considered a crime against humanity.

More Crap to Waste Your Time

I found this site earlier today and have been laughing like the juvenile humored being that I am ever since.
Enjoy.

From me to you 15

Just a short one this time.

- Beer and clam is not a Caesar. Seriously, you shmuck.

- Getting make-up tattooed on, just for the hell of it, is a shitty, shitty idea.

- Beer and maple fudge does not go together, ever, trust me.

- A one piece denim outfit should be considered a crime against humanity, along with the speedo and stirrup pants.

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

It's definitely Monday.
I've only been at work an hour and a half and already the phone stopped working, the elevator is broken, two people have called in sick and - here's the real kicker - the upstairs toilet over flowed. And I don't mean a little, I mean water was gushing out of the men's room and down the hall, creating a waterfall down the stairs and come through the ceiling on the first floor.
It wasn't just some "oops the toilet is plugged" kinda thing either. Some ass hat decided it would be fun to plug it on purpose. According to Bill, our head maintenance guy, this makes 3 times recently. He wasn't very happy about it.
So I got to spend the first part of my shift scrambling around like a mad fool trying to get containers under the down pour and moving books out of the way.
Fuck I hate people.
And Mondays.

Talk Nerdy To Me, Baby

Okay, so here's the nerdiest question I think I've ever asked. In fact I think it's the nerdiest thing I've ever pondered.
It's something I've been wondering since I watched two episodes of Star Trek (yes, Star Trek... insert nerd joke here). One in which (the ever annoying) Wesley Crusher falls in to a pool of water on the Holodeck and another where they demonstrate how Holodeck objects cannot exist outside of the Holodeck by throwing a book out the door and watching it disappear.
If things on the Holodeck cannot exist outside of it, then wouldn't it stand to reason that the sopping wet Crusher, stepping off the Holodeck, should have become bone dry again?
There, I've just exposed myself as a nerd.

Seriously Hot

Paul Gross is hot. Smokin hot.
I don't care what you say, Bev.

Pain

Some of the guys may just want to skip this one. I'm not going to apologize either, I'm in pain and way beyond tired so if you don't like it that's just too damned bad.
I'm in pain.
Lots.
I only slept for an hour last night. Actually it was this morning. From 2am to 3am. I spent the rest of my night dying in my sauna/oven/hell hole of a house and doubled over in pain. I had forgotten what it was like to be in enough pain to actually get sick, so the Gods decided to give me a refresher course.
A fist full of the most powerful pain killers I could get my hands on, short of having to hock my stereo and make a deal in a dark alley, and I still hurt everywhere.
suffice it to say, I'm grumpy as hell and in desperate need of a nap, which isn't going to happen unless the temperature goes down and someone brings me some fucking morphine.

Good Luck

I know I've been taking a lot of potshots at celebrities lately, but this one I'm not going to joke about. Mostly because I actually feel bad for the guy.
Apparently Robin Williams entered rehab seeking treatment for alcoholism.
It's a shame really, he'd gone so long without all that shit. It's always terrible when people fall back into addiction.
And I know that I've been making fun of Mel Gibson for doing, essentially, the same damned thing.
The difference?
Robin Williams didn't make the decision after getting caught drinking and driving, fighting with the cops, showing himself as a bigoted, egotistic ass hat and blaming the whole thing on being drunk. That sort of douche baggery gets you made fun of and generally shit on, where as recognizing you have a problem and making a private decision to better yourself gets you understanding and wishes for good luck.

Sleep Tight

I keep finding these articals that are grossing me out. This one in particular bothered me a whole lot. And so I share it with you.

Joy!

I'm so happy I could shit. Hellboy 2 is coming! Squee!
I don't care what any of you jerks think, I loves Hellboy, I loves him good.
Now all I have to do is wait until 2008. It's not gonna be easy.

Worthy of Comment

So Amazon has started selling milk. I know that's not very exciting, but the comments people have left are.
Check it out... seriously.

Well, I'm grossed out

At my house we go through enough soy sauce that this story grossed me out completely.
So I thought I'd share with all of you. I'm just such a giving person.

Another glorious day in Hollywood

I always love hearing about major Hollywood stars getting bitch slapped by life, not to mention the police.
Mel Gibson was picked up and arrested for DUI on Friday morning. He had some interesting things to say to the arresting officers, and lucky for all of us, his comments made in on to the internet.

Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?" The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?" A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

Way to go Mel. That's awesome. From what I hear, calling cops "sugar tits" and crapping on an entire group of people is the best way to get the police to let you go. Unfortunately the "douche bag gambit" didn't work out so well for our dear Mel.
Check out the whole story here.

POW!

I hate Lindsay Lohan, a lot. It's gotten to the point where I want to scream every time I see yet another artical about her. That is, until now.
This is the kind of artical I'd like to see more of. Not even just about ol' fire crotch, about a lot "actors". They pay these assholes huge sums of money. Is it too much to ask that they do their fucking jobs?
Fucking wankers.

See, less disturbing....

Well, kinda. Less disturbing that the dismembered thumb drive anyway.
Another item for my christmas list.

Sieg Meow

I found this site through Jason's incredibly lame blog the other day and I had to share, because damn it's funny.

Happy Birthday lil' Bro

It's my brother's birthday today. He's 20. That's terrifying.
Happy Birthday Dude! Try not to do anything that will get you arrested.
In honor of this day, here's a really weird ass German metal band cover, enjoy!

I hear it's lovely there in summer

So I think I know where I'd like to spend my next vacation. I mean, if I had money to fly myself to the Czech Republic, could find my way to Sedlec and secure a translator as I speak not a word of Czech or even Slovak.
Seriously though, I have a bit of a fascination with death, some of the more astute readers may have noticed that already. Don't ask me where it comes from, I really don't know.
The history of death is really quite interesting and this place is a monument to the weirdness and morbid tastes of days gone by.
Click here for more information on the history of Kutna Hora.

*Sorry Sarah, I'll try to make my next post less... disturbing.

Is it wrong that I want one?

And they're only $200!
Oh yes, it's a skin bag!

*Update: I also want one of these.

I have no words for this

I've been through the whole collection, it's terrifying, it's hilarious, it's a museum of bad album covers, it's a must see.
Here's a preview (the guy who runs the site has some of the best comments I've read in a long time).

Things I notice

Every now and again I notice things. Just little things that bug me, keep me up at night, keep me wondering why.
Here are some of them.

- There seems to be a serious decline in the popularity of the name Fred, especially within Asian communities.

- I've never seen an asian person (I'm not trying to pick on anyone here) with a scottish accent. I'm sure they exist, I've just never seen one. I find this perplexing.

- When I get a head ache I sneeze, a lot, for no apparent reason.

- People seem to be more willing to look like an ass, asking stupid questions then to read the sign they're standing next to that clearly explains everything.

-Dogs are like children, cats are like drag queens. (I personally own a bitchy old queen and a Miss Thang)

From me to you 14

Just a short one this time folks, though every point is an important one.

- You're not really speaking ill of someone until you've wished herpes on their face and called them names that you'll never find in the dictionary.

- Jelly Beans are not a meal replacement

- If it looks like a crazy guy, talks like a crazy guy, chances are it's gonna smell like a crazy guy.

- All your base are belong to us.

You mean he's not dead yet?

I was scanning Yahoo news this morning and I came across this most interesting artical. Now I find myself pondering, why the hell is this making the news? And more importantly, Jerry Springer is still around? What the shit?

Dr. Bennett's strange bedside manner

I found this earlier today. I'm left shaking my head wondering if this guy is for real.

Google me impressed

Apparently I'm the #1 hit when searching "removed rib to suck own cock".
This is a proud moment in Kill The Body history.

Wow. Just wow.

This is either the best or worst idea ever. I can't decide which. I just know that I want one because it made me laugh so hard.
For the nerd in your life.

From me to you 13

Yeah, yeah, I know. I haven't posted in a while. So sue me. I do have a life away from my computer, contrary to popular belief.
Anyway, on to lucky #13...

- If you work at a computer help desk, telling people you've never seen a Mac in your life doesn't instill a lot of confidence. I'm also left wondering how it could be possible that you've NEVER seen a Mac in your entire life. What rock did you crawl out from under exactly? And it's nice to know that they've made sure to outfit the undersides of rocks with PCs but haven't gotten around to mentioning Macs. Dipshit.

- If you're grumpy because you're tired, go take a fucking nap and get the hell away from me. I don't need an excuse, I'm always like this.

- Don't ask me not to park in front of your house and then park in front of mine, asshole.

- Putting a fan at the end of your bed may not be such a good idea. It just ends up blowing farts back in your face, which may almost be worse than a Dutch oven.

- You're not allowed to laugh and then be disgusted. It's too late, you already laughed.

Road signs aren't just decoration, honest

If nothing else, you should at least know by now that other drivers are one the biggest contributing factors in my almost constant annoyance with people in general. This feeling hasn't lessened with time. Oh no, it's gotten worse.
Most street signs don't even have words on them (based on my observations, I have to assume most people must be illiterate) and the few that you actually have to read consist mostly of numbers. Those funny white signs with the black numbers, my dear idiots, are the posted speed limits for that street. That means if the sign has a big 70 printed on it you should be going 70 kph.
I'm not going to argue with anyone who wants to go a little faster (so long as he's not riding my ass because I'm not willing to do 90 in a 70 zone). What pisses me off are the people doing 50 or (please, no!) less.
I bring this all up because a major street near here has finally had its speed limit pushed up to 70. I was overjoyed by the change and so were a lot of people (especially those of us who were doing 70 along that strip anyway). Unfortunately the joy was quickly replaced with annoyance and, at this point in time, getting damned close to rage.
Before the speed limit change most everyone was already going 70 along there. Now that it's legal everyone's doing 50. It's like reverse psychology for drivers and I'm left screaming "What the Fuck!?". Trust me, the police aren't just fucking with you! You've all gone long past the "grace period" when people might not have been sure about the change, now it's time to speed the fuck up. You're all making me fucking crazy.
Please, for my sanity's sake, could you at least try to reach the speed limit?
The gas is the one on the right.

That's right, I'm the normal one

I said last time that there's something wrong with both me and Naiomi, that statement is still true, but I've come to realize that Naiomi is way more fucked up than me.
I was just telling Naiomi that I posted our whole talk from the other night. It went a little something like this:

Me: I posted our conversation from the other night.

Naiomi: Which one?

Me: About cocks.

Naiomi: What?

Me: When that guy cut us off and it turned into a conversation about sucking one's own cock.

Naiomi: (laughing) Oh yeah.

Me: I still think that's wrong.

Naiomi: What are you talking about? If I had a cock and could suck it, I'd never leave the house.

Me: Sweet Jesus.

Naiomi: I'd probably spit though.

I think there's something wrong with us

Naiomi and I went to see X3 yesterday and on the way home we got to chatting. Nothing specific, just shooting the shit. After that chat I'm pretty sure we should both seek counseling, normal people shouldn't have these kinds of conversations.
A guy cut us off in traffic... it evolved in to this:

Me: I hope that guy chokes on a cock.

Naiomi: I hope he chokes on his own cock.

Me: Now that would really be something... unless he's like Ron Jeremy or something.

Naiomi: Yeah, then it wouldn't be such a big deal.

Me: That just made me think of that whole Manson rumor.

Naiomi: With the ribs?

Me: Yeah. It kills me that people actually bought that whole rumor about Marilyn Manson having ribs removed so he could suck his own dick.

Naiomi: And Pam Anderson, so her waist would be smaller.

Me: How fucking stupid do you have to be to believe that doctors would just remove ribs at random?

Naiomi: Well it's not like you need them or anything.

Me: Why the hell would you want to suck your own dick anyway?

Naiomi: You could get head whenever you want.

Me: Ribs or no ribs, I don't think you'd be able to reach anyway.

Naiomi: Sure, now you're gonna try and tell me about internal organs and shit... pfft.

Me: I still think that sucking your own dick sounds wrong.

Naiomi: Maybe you really like the taste of your own pee.

Me: (Laughing.)

Naiomi: Man I wish we had a tape recorder.

Me: I'm really glad we don't.

From me to you 12

Haven't done one of these in some time, so here's another installment for the masses.

- Humid bathroom + cloth drapes = moldy drapes. Ew. (Just trust me on this one)

- If you produce a program that needs to be registered over the phone, maybe make sure that the activation section is opperational once and a while. Like lets say one of those days within the 15 day time limit given.

- Don't complain about my pets. They live here, you don't. I love them and you're replaceable. Understand?

- Cream foundation is meant for news anchors and television actors, not for street wear. If you're applying make-up like fucking spackle, you're doing it wrong.

- Your foundation should be the same colour as your skin. Colour match at your jaw line, not your fucking hair line. People with "clown face" should be smacked by everyone who has to look at that shit.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Monday's my birthday.
Tomorrow I'm going to get drunk.
Naiomi got me the awesomest present. A red swingline stapler.
I'm such a fucking nerd.

(Heather is doing that Pooh cross stitch for my birthday because it made me laugh. If you can't read it, it says "P is for Pooh, the best kind of friend". I asked her if she could add a steamy coil of poo at his feet. I hope she does.)

I should have done this 2 years ago (or, Now we have a place to gossip)

I finally got myself a water cooler for my house and I've gotta say, I'm pretty freakin happy about it.
Cold water that doesn't taste like shit that was shit out by someone who's been drinking nothing but lake water for 3 years and then shit out this shitty water. It's a fucking miracle.
I also found a company that gave me a cooler for free, with a room temp and cold tap. So if anyone's asking I'd suggest Rainsoft, because so far I'm super happy.
Water, Fuck yeah!

(On a completely unrelated note - blogger thought that Freakin should be replaced with foreskin.)

Dear Stupid Lady:

Would you kindly get the hell out of my way!
Although your appearance would indicate otherwise you can't possibly be stupid enough not to notice that I'm trying to work. Trust me, it won't kill you to stand aside for 5 fucking seconds so I can do my job. The movies will all still be there when I'm done.
What fucking planet are you from that shoving someone out of the way to see what's on a goddamned trolley is acceptable behaviour!? And for fuck sakes, I've said it before, standing half a goddamned foot away from me is not going to get me to work any faster. Seriously.
So if you wouldn't mind, could you please pull your dull witted head out of your fat ass and try and act like a human being for just a little while.

Your's in aggrivation,
-Gwenhwyfar

Quiz time... again

I found this quiz on another blog somewhere. No, I don't know where, but I'm bored so I'm filling it out.
Here's the deal - it's all answered with songs from my computers music library. I didn't pick them. You set iTunes or whatever to random and anwer the questions with the songs as they come up. You follow?
Yeah, I'm just that exciting. (And my music collection is just that great.)

---------------------------------------------------

Will I get far in life?
Dead like me - Stewart Copeland

How do my friends see me?
Old Souls - Paul Williams

Where will I get married?
Wake me up when September ends - Green Day

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Self Esteem - Offspring

What is the story of my life?
Incence and Peppermint - Strawberry Alarmclock

What was high school like?
Dust in the Wind - Kansas

How can I get ahead in life?
Immigrant Song - Led Zepplin

What is the best thing about me?
Faust - Paul Williams

How is today going to be?
Don't let me be misunderstood - Santa Esmerelda

What is in store for this weekend?
My Mood Swings - Elvis Costello

What song describes my parents?
Lime in the Coconut - Harry Nilsson

My grandparents?
The Man in Me - Bob Dylan

How is my life going?
Drunken Lullabies - Flogging Molly

What song will they play at my funeral?
Special to Me - Paul Williams

How does the world see me?
Nobody fucks with the Jesus / Salty Dog - Flogging Molly

Will I have a happy life?
Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In) - Kenny Rogers & the First Edition

What do my friends really think of me?
Selfish Man - Flogging Molly

Do people secretly lust after me?
Twilight - Squirrel Nut Zippers

How can I make myself happy?
Don't fear the reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

What should I do with my life?
Goodnight moon - Shivaree

Will I ever have children?
Death Valley Queen - Flogging Molly

What is some good advice?
The Hell of it - Paul Williams

What is my signature dancing song?
Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson

What do I think my current theme song is?
The Suits are picking up the bill - Squirrel Nut Zippers

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Tom's Dinner - Suzanne Vega

What type of men/women do you like?
Carry me, Carrie - Dr. Hook

Just for a moment...

...I need to be serious. It's something I try not to do too much, but just for right now I have to be.
I've been seeing lots of my doctor since late last year, I went for a routine check-up and wound up with a kidney specialist. A few months ago they sent me for a biopsy (I'm skimming over lots, but trust me, the details are boring). On Tues. I went back to the specialist to find out when the biopsy showed.
When I went in the morning, I wasn't feeling too bad. For once in my life I wasn't worried to the point of being sick.
The waiting room changed that.
I got there early and sat waiting for what seemed like forever.
I hate doctors and a waiting room is the last place I want to be. The room was crowded, which made things worse. Mostly old people and I sat thinking that I didn't want to be one of them - the sick people I mean, one of those people who needs a specialist.
I wanted to be 21 and healthy and not have to worry about this shit. I didn't want to think about how many times this situation could be repeated, me sitting here waiting with the other sick people, to hear what the doctor has to say this time. I didn't want to think about how it could get so much worse, how I could end up one of those people that others see and feel sorry for, one of those people you just know is sick, one of those people with the permanently scared look in their eyes, one of those people who has to face their mortality.
Instead, after finally getting in to see the doctor, I'm told that I have a kidney disease.
MPGN.
I don't know what that means, really I still don't.
He doesn't want to talk about the long term.
I tell him that's too bad, because we're going to talk about it.
He tells me that there's no real treatment.
Great.
But it could work itself out.
Better.
Or it could go on like this forever.
Wonderful.
Or the condition could worsen and I could end up in kidney failure. 10 maybe 20 years he says.
Swell.
He also tells me to loose some weight, that pisses me off, but he might as well hit me while I'm down - right?
I leave his office feeling sick and angry and confused. I don't understand most of what he tells me. I meet up with a friend of mine and I laugh it off. No big deal. I'm sure it'll be fine. I still feel sick.
I move on. I try not to think about it and just move on.
Today my uncle's girlfriend tells me she has the same thing. She developed it as a result of lupus. She tries to make me feel better, give me some advise. It doesn't work, it's not her fault, it just doesn't work. I feel worse. Although she tells me a whole lot more than the doctor ever did.
I need to make a lot of changes. Start drinking lots of water, cut out salt, no alcohol (I still plan on drinking on my birthday). I won't fix the problem, but she says it will help.
They told her she could make it to her late 60's... she's older than I am. That would make me 40.
I always said I never thought I'd make it past 40.
Even my life line has a huge break in it near the end, if you buy in to that sort of thing.
She also tells me that transplants have a 90% rejection rate. I know she's just giving me the facts and that it's true, it just doesn't make me feel any better about it.
I feel like I've been handed a death sentence.
I can work at it and make things easier, but it still isn't good.
It scares me more than I can say to think that my cats may out live me.
I wonder if I should bother saving to buy a house.
Maybe I won't need it.
I suppose I could save, if worse comes to worse, at least there'll be money for a coffin.
Maybe it'll be fine. Maybe I shouldn't worry.
I just wanted to be like everyone else.
Just this once.
I guess you don't always get what you want.

Quiz time

Jay, over at the incredibly lame blog posted this quiz on his site, and since I'm being real creative this morning I'm also posting it.
Here goes nothing.

---------------------------------------------------------


Do you bite your nails?: Some times, but I try not to.
Can you roll your tongue?: Yes
Can you raise one eyebrow?: Yes, either one.
Can you blow smoke rings?: Indeed I can.
Can you blow spit bubbles?: Nope
Can you cross your eyes?: Yep
Tattoos?: Not yet.
Piercing and where? Just my septum.
Do you make your bed daily?: Hahahahahahaha.... no
Which shoe goes on first?: It's not something I do on purpose, but the right one usually goes on first.
Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: Honestly, who throws a shoe?
What jewellery do you wear 24/7?: 2 rings (left hand: Superman. right hand: Celtic braid) and a wrist band
Would you rather be on time and look OK or 10 minutes late and look great?: There's nothing I hate more than being late.
Favourite piece of clothing: My heavy machinery shirt. Don't ask why, I don't know.
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: Who the fuck cuts spaghetti?
How many cereals in your cabinet? At least five. I like variety.
What utensils do you use to eat pizza?: Utensils? what the fuck? What the hell do you think fingers are for?
Do you cook?: Yep

How often do you brush your teeth?: Every day
How often do you shower/bathe?: Daily, though days off often get neglected if I plan on spending the day in my pj's on the couch.
How long does your shower last?: 5-10 minutes

Do you swear?: Fuck yeah
Do you ever spit?: Yeah, I'm such a lady

Do you use an alarm clock?: Yeah, but I always wake up before it goes off.
Ever suntanned nude? No, but I have an awesome graveyard tan.
Window seat or aisle?: Window, I hate fucking aisle seats.
What's your sleeping position?: on my side usually, sometimes my stomach
Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?: Absolutely not
Do you snore?: I'm normally sleeping when that would be going on.
Do you sleepwalk?: Nope
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: No, I have two cats. I don't need stuffed animals

What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?: Attitude then eyes.
WHICH IS BETTER... *Coke or Pepsi?: Pepsi...then PC Key lime cola...then water...then milk...then spoiled milk...then Coke.
Oranges or apples?: Oranges
One pillow or two?: 2
Pools or hot tubs?: Pool
Blondes or brunettes?: I'm not picky, but it seems like I'm doomed to marry a redhead
Tall or short?: taller than me but not a giant
Beach or pool: either
Hamburger or Cheeseburger?: Veggi burger
Morning or night?: Night.
Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?: Halloween
Cake or ice cream?: Ice cream cake
Dog or Cat?: Both
Bath or shower?: Shower

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...
Took a shower?: Yesterday
Watched Bambi?: years ago
Talked on the phone: Last night
Read a book? about an hour ago
Punched someone? Yesterday

Where do you see yourself in ten years? Not here
Who are you going to be married to?: Married? who are you kidding?

Name Game '06

Dan from www.planetdan.net is doing the Name Game thing again.
You can fill out entries here ---> http://www.planetdan.net/junk/names/06/planetdan_namegame_06.txt
The deadline is May 7th, so join the fun while you can.

(Not so) Exciting News!

Kill the body now has a sister site. It's not really all that exciting , but you can check it out here. It's a work in progress and you can feel free to add your own shit.

Point of interest

I found this site today. I think it's great, so I'm sharing it.
Enjoy.

That whole "Freedom" thing again (or, excuse my rant)

Jesus Christ on Crutches! I am getting so sick and tired of the over zealous, self-righteous, loud mouthed religious right walking around thinking that the rights and freedoms in this country serve and protect only them.
I've said it before and because of these assholes I'll say it a million more times, THEY PROTECT EVERYONE! That's EVERYONE, in case you didn't catch that, including people you don't agree with!
I bring this up because my brother just relayed a story to me and I couldn't help but be annoyed (if you hadn't noticed already). He was telling me that on Monday he and a friend were out for wings at a near by restaurant. He and his friend were minding their own business when their waitress came to their table. She tells them that another patron had sent her over to inform my brother's friend that his shirt is offensive (religiously offensive). They tell her that it really isn't her job to be playing messenger and to tell the complaining patron that they don't care, freedom of religion. She did. The patron then starts going on about how they "shouldn't be allowed out in public", the waitress tells him she's not passing messages any more.
At this point in the story I was annoyed. What kind of douchbag sends a waitress over with messages like that? And where does he get off saying my brother and his friend shouldn't be allowed out in public? Fuck you, guy.
Then my brother goes on to tell me that this guy, not having his personal messenger any more, decides to walk over to their table and harass them some more. He tells them that he's going to speak to the manager and have them banned from the restaurant and how they must think they're real clever hiding behind their freedom of religion.
Well sir, you seem to be doing a pretty good job of it yourself.
We're back on the subject of freedoms. Freedom of speech, freedom of choice, freedom of expression, freedom of religion, freedom, freedom, freedom.
And I want to get one thing straight - I'm not mad at this guy because he was offended. It's his right as a human being to feel offended. This guy pisses me off because he thinks that his rights outweigh my brother's or his friend's. He pisses me off because he feels it's his right to harass people around him, in public, based on his religious beliefs. He pisses me off because he would say something like "they shouldn't be allowed in public". (Yeah, I know I'm repeating that one - but that really pissed me off.)
That's right asshole, you're out in public. Where does it say that you're guaranteed not to be offended by anything, ever, out in public?
And wait just one second - I though your religion was supposed to be about acceptance and forgiveness and loving your fellow man (so long as it's not that "gay" kind of lovin'), turn the other cheek and all that. Oh, shit, sorry. I forgot, those pleasantness only extend to you fellow "christian man". Heathens and blasphemers don't count. You can shit on them all you like. Right? 'Cause we're going to hell anyway.
Fuckin' jerkoff.

God Damn!

I'm sick. Again.
Two lung infections inside of three months is really not cool and I'm getting really tired of being sick.
Stupid everything.

From me to you 11

If you're afraid of something, rational or not, and someone tells you you're being stupid or that "it's not that bad" - Punch them. Do it for me. Crack them right in the face. They obviously aren't afraid of anything and have no idea what it's like to be in the midst of a panic attack. These people aren't human and should be dealt with harshly.

If your kid is screaming at top volume for more that 3 or 4 minutes, in public maybe it's time go. Babies can't tell you how tired of shopping they are, so they scream and yet somehow this seems to escape a lot of parents. Trust me, I caught the message. About an hour and a half ago. There is nothing you need so badly as to be tourturing your kid and every person in the store.

You offically know someone too well when you find yourself in the bathroom helping them Nair their back.

Hospitals suck. A lot.

Seriously, what the hell? pt. 2

Maybe I should write about work more often. I like my job, but it gives me reason to vent more often than I would like.

I was at work a few days ago and this horrid woman and her voluminous daughter came up to look at the CDs and spoken word. (I was shelving CDs.) They proceeded to have a conversation along these lines... (keep in mind these people were 5 feet away from me and well within earshot. Not being deaf or blind I could see and hear them just fine. They apparently think the world works like a cartoon and no one but the person you're talking to will hear you.)

Gross Daughter: MooOOooom! Who's the man called Cash?

Gross Mother: Who?

GD: The man called Cash. Who is that?

GM: Johnny Cash.

GD just stares at her blankly.... kind of like a hippo in headlights.

(At this point I was ready to throw myself down the escalator.)

GD: (Standing directly across from me and looking at me) I can't find what I want! (I make a point of not looking up or responding because I have a policy about acknowledging people who don't address me civilly.)

GM: What do you want?

GD: Some Stephen King or something.

GM: (indicating me, by pointing) Maybe she knows something.

("I know you're a stupid manner-less bitch." I think to myself.)

GD: You want me to, like, go and ask her? (By the tone of her voice you'd think she was the queen of France making reference to some who cleans the shitter.)

Now I could have looked up from my work and asked them what they needed help with, but this level of rudeness doesn't inspire me to be overly helpful or friendly. If she wanted help she'd have to use her words like a big girl, and god help her if she doesn't say please.
She eventually did come and ask for assistance, she didn't say please and I didn't try very hard.
I walked her over to the shelves she could have easily checked herself and found nothing for her. I wasn't going to spend time digging for anything either. I also wonder why she wants it in spoken word. She's not visually impaired. My bet is she can read anything with more than 4 letters, Stephen King's out of her league, Dick and Jane's more her speed.
Then to top it all off, she actually walked away from me as I was trying to find what she was looking for. I took longer than her ten second attention span could stand.
Some people should be forced in to sterilization programs.

Seriously, what the hell?

I work in a library. It's one of those places that's been stereotyped in countless movies through the years, generally shown as a quiet place, full of quiet, well mannered people and stern, bespectacled, bun wearing, librarian silence Nazis. This is, unfortunately, far from the truth. In reality it's full of loud mouthed, rude, impatient people who have no where better to be (or no where period) and no librarians shushing anyone, ever.
It's not the noise of the people I'm opposed to. What do I care if people want to talk at a reasonable level? What I have an issue with is the rude and impatient people.
We have a decent size movie collection where I work, both VHS and DVD. Part of what I do is reshelving these when they are returned. We put all the movies in order on the trolly, push it out on the floor and put them away. Doesn't sound to hard, does it? It shouldn't be, but that just isn't the way when the vultures are out.
You walk out into a crowd of people who all want a look at what you've got. They tear apart the trolly you just spent 10 minutes sorting out and will quite literally push you out of the way. It's frustrating and on more than one occasion I've wanted to smash some one over the head with a box set. (It definitely doesn't help that a lot of these people have needed a shower since 1982.)
I was one of those days yesterday.
When I shelve DVDs I grab as many as I can and empty or not, 50+ cases are awkward to work with. With my load of DVDs I made my way to their section, just as I set down the first one I hear the one thing I never want to hear in this situation - "Oooh! I got hear just in time." The woman is standing just behind me, if I take a half-step back I'll bump into her. She's not moving either. I can smell her awful perfume and feel her breathing down my neck. I know her type, I deal with them all the time, and they make me angry every time.
She's one of those people who doesn't think I'm a person, who doesn't care that I'm trying to do my job, who's too fucking self-involved to notice something like personal space when it mean she might not get everything she wants. I'm also willing to bet that she's also one of the messies, one of those people who pull everything off the shelf and leave a huge mess for me to clean up.
I try to concentrate on my work. She follows my every move. My shadow gives me more breathing room. I want to scream at her. "Get the fuck away from me!" I set a DVD down, she picks it up - and replaces it in the wrong spot. She saw me put it away, she knows where it belongs, she doesn't care. She's a messy.
I finish off my armful and go back for more. Someone's gotten at the trolly already, animals. They've made a mess of it and I have to try and sort it out again. By the time I get back to the DVDs there are two of them, Ms. Messy and now a Mr. Messy, great. The woman goes back to following me, the guy just stands in my way and I have to work around him - but don't worry, it's not like I'm a person or anything.
My new armload isn't sorted perfectly so I end up having to bounce back and forth from section to section, Ms. Messy has become even more annoying by standing to damned close as well as getting in my way.
I finish off the DVDs as quickly as I can. They're still destroying the entire section when I leave.
I put away the VHS. Less people want VHS, less people bother me. There are a few questions, none that are headache inducing, one asshole who's wearing enough cologne for five or six people (which is definitely headache inducing), and one really creepy guy who's looking a little to long at the pregnancy/baby videos.
When I'm done I notice that the assholes at the DVDs are done so I go back an straighten up. The trolly took me 15 minutes to put away, it takes me another ten just to sort out the mess they made. Fuck.
What the fuck is wrong with people these days that they can't wait 5 minutes for me to do my job? I'm not going to start working faster because you're standing in my fucking way and I'm certainly not going to help you out if you can't do something as basic as respect my personal space.
I'm at work, that doesn't make you any more important than me. Treat me like a person you dumb fuck and I might try to help you out.

More garbage no one really needs to know.

Apparently the #1 song when I was born was "Let's Hear It for the Boy" by Deniece Williams.
You can check out this site to find out yours.
God bless technology

Take that, person I don't know!

I have to write something about this because it's chapping my ass. Read it, don't, whatever. (trust me, from here on out It's gonna get messy...)
Hostel may or may not be the worst movie ever made, it doesn't matter.
One of the rights we have in this country is the right to freedom of speech and, I will also point out, so is the freedom of choice. Unfortunately some people seemed to forget that whole choice thing and then condemn freedom of speech when they see something they don't like.
I'm fucking sick of these people who go to a movie that has clearly been rated to indicate offensive content and then bitch because the content was, indeed, offensive. In this case, even the trailer warned against excessive violence and gore and told viewers outright to see another movie. And still these fuck-wits pay the admission only to walkout a mere ten minutes later.
It's a horror movie and billed as nothing but, what the hell were you expecting? Lollipops and puppies?
Now you're bitching because you were stupid enough, despite all the warning signs, to pay to see the movie and the movie theater won't refund your money? Aw, muffin. (At very least I would hope that this experience has taught you to be a more careful consumer.)
Oh, but what's this you say? You knew it was a horror movie? You didn't see any of the trailers that were playing at every possible commercial break for months? You didn't read anything about this movie before going to see it? You saw the R rating and ignored it because "lots of movies get R ratings"? Oh well then... Blow me, dumbass!
And I could even let all of this go, if it weren't for one little thing.
You think the movie was shit (oh, sorry. The ten minutes you actually saw), so no one should be allowed to see it.
Horse shit!
Freedom of speech is a bitch like that, it's there for everyone. You start putting limits on it and where does it stop? It has to protect everyone or it doesn't protect anyone.
Maybe you should go spend some time in a country where there is no freedom of speech and then come back and bitch about how bad we've got it here with all this freedom. Come back and tell us how much fun Fascim is.
Until then, could you kindly fuck off.

Another bit of time wasting goodness

I was recently given a link to www.pandora.com and I'm very glad I was. It's an awesome site and I've found a couple new bands to listen to. If you haven't been there already, I'd suggest you check it out now... seriously.... NOW!
Pandora

Angry Humor, you know I love it.

Lewis Black is a funny, funny man. If you haven't seen Black on Broadway, get it. Watch it. Laugh.


Don't know who I'm talking about? Well here, you poor, simple, jackass - some quotes from the man. (Reading his stuff is funny, but it's put to shame by how funny he is live)

I realize I use the word 'fuck' alot, and I'd apologize for that.. but I don't give a shit

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it does....it's illegal.

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

Lactose intolerant milk kiss my dick. If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.

More reasons to stay single.

Sweet Jesus. I've read this 4 times already and I still can't believe it.
Hey Honey, can I get you to sign this? Thanks.

From me to you 10

If you leave vegetables in the crisper for long enough, even the crisper won't be able to keep them crispy. In fact, if you leave them there long enough they'll turn into liquid. I don't mean the "Juice Tiger", Jack Lalanne, good for you, wow this is delicious, kind of liquid either. I mean the Oh my God, what the hell was that, where are the guys in the Haz-Mat suits, kind of liquid.

-53 with the wind chill is fucking cold, but if you live in Canada they still won't cancel work or school. They'll tell you to dress real warm and not to lick any frozen metal.

Frozen metal will rip off layers of skin.

Check please!

If you haven't seen it already, Waiter Rant is an amazing blog that I've recently fallen in love with.
Give it a read, even if you're not in food service.

Stupid V-day

From me to you 9

I've caught some god awful illness from somewhere, so I've been sick for the last couple of days. It's made me grumpy, among other things. (Who am I trying to kid? I don't need an excuse to be grumpy.) I've also been reminded of a few things I could have done without, really. For instance:

Day time television sucks. It sucks a lot. It sucks enough to make me wish I wasn't sick so I could go to work.
Who are the mental midgets putting together this line up? A better question really is who are the mental midgets watching this shit?
They can't possibly all be people home sick from work, who are to sick to care much what's on TV as they lay in a NyQuil induced coma, surrounded by a box worth of crusty used tissue and drooling while Montel hands the mic over to yet another woman who thinks "you need to drop that zero and get yourself a hero", while Sally sends yet another group of juvenile delinquents (who would make damned good poster children for Pro-Choice) to boot camp with Maj. Asshole, while (God help us) Maury reads out the results of yet another paternity test as the nation waits in suspense to find out if Billy-Joe is really little Bubba's father.
Even if you manage to shake the green haze long enough to change the channel you end up caught in the seventh circle of hell that is the "Soap Opera". A creation so foul it was surely birthed from the loins of the devil himself, raised on a diet of painfully bad acting, incomprehensible plots, and the flakiest scripts known to man, then spat forth from the very bowels of hell to inflict torture on innocent viewers everywhere.
So long story short - I've spent most of this sick time reading.

And in conclusion...

I can't tell you how much I'd like to strangle the life out of all these goddamned wastes of skin who fill the internet with their goddamned chat slang. Write out the word you asshole.
How much time do you think you're saving by typing "newayz" instead of just writing "anyway"? Is it really that taxing on your peabrain to write out "people" that you need to shorten it to "ppl"? How hard is it to type out Christina or Christians that you needed to shorten it to "Xtina" and "Xtians"?
You don't look cute or cool, you look like an illiterate douche bag.
English is being destroyed by morons.

Cookin' it like it's 1986

Blarg.... really old meat...

Good bye Grandpa Munster.

Al Lewis passed away yesterday at the age of 95.

Uhhh....

I have no words to decribe this.... none... but it will haunt me in my dreams forever.

Hasselhoff

Happy Birthday (Part two)

It's Naiomi's Birthday! Woot!
Happy Birthday lady!

Knock it off!

I don't think I'll ever run out of people to be pissed off at, the number of people who annoy me seems to be multiplying by the second. Today it's vegetarians, militant vegetarians to be specific, which is odd because I am a vegetarian and have been for a decade.
It's not something I normally advertise. I don't like to, it seems stupid to me to call attention to it without reason. If I were diabetic or lactose intolerant or allergic to paprika I wouldn't go around announcing it every 5 seconds, so why would I feel the need to inform everyone I meet that I don't eat meat (yeah, it sounded stupid to me too). And I have to admit that part of the reason I don't bring it up much is because of the reaction I normally get.
When I say to someone "oh no thanks, I don't eat meat." I inevitably get the look, well one of a few variations of look. There's the "oh, so that's what a vegetarian looks like"/"that explains the piercing" look, the "oh no! Here comes the lecture!" look, the "oh no! She saw me eat meat! She's probably all offended!" look and the ever popular "vegetarian = leper" look - all of which are lovely by the way.
These looks are annoying, not because the people who they're coming from are way off the mark and should probably know better, but because I know why they're worried. They're worried because everyone's met the Uber-vegetarian before. Hell, I'm terrified of the Uber-vegetarian.
The people I'm talking about are these aggravating, self-righteous, overbearing, in your face, save you from yourself militants who want the whole world to know that they're right and you're wrong and if you don't get in line with what they believe then they're damned well gonna make you even if they have to do it by force. I'm talking about these people who want the freedom of choice that living in a country like Canada affords them but at the same time want you to know that your choices are shit. I'm talking about these people who will go on at length about the evils of every single food item you may be thinking about eating and why you're a horrible person for eating it, but God forbid you should say boo about what they eat.
These assholes are giving everyone who decides to become meat-free a bad name and it's pissing me off. What makes you think you're so much better than everyone else? What gives you the right to prattle on and preach to people who you'd gladly rip a new one if they were to make comments about your diet?
I just want to know how fucking long it's going to take for people to figure out that the right to freedom of choice and freedom of speech isn't just there for you, it's there for everyone. That's why they're called human rights not asshole rights, if they were asshole rights it'd only be you and me talking and deciding and that'd get pretty damned boring pretty damned quick.
Stop trying to get people to agree with you by badgering the hell out of them until they give in out of exhaustion, that's no way to win a debate. With something like this you'll only end up convincing people who are already convinced and annoying the piss out of people who aren't. It doesn't work with smokers and non-smokers, it doesn't work with pro-lifers and pro-choicers, it won't work here either.
And to the serious fanatics, poisoning turkeys at Christmas* is fucking stupid. You haven't convinced anyone of anything except that vegetarians are insane. You want to save the animals so you're letting everyone know by killing people - good one, you really thought that through. (I'm not going to get started on pro-lifers who kill doctors today... I'll save that for later.)


*Sorry, I was wrong. It was Christmas. No one was ever hurt during one of the many "poisoned turkey" scares, but there sure have been a lot of them.

Happy Birthday!

Monday was my friend Kelly's birthday!
Happy Birthday Kel!
Love ya!

Jeeze

I think I've found the most depressing site on the internet. You can sit and watch your life slipping away.

www.deathclock.com

Holy Shit!

I've reached 1000 hits!
Thanks to everyone who's stopped by to read all this shit, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one.

From me to you 8

Will there ever be an end to the things that piss me off? Not bloody likely.

Here's the thing people, I know not everyone knows how to drive a standard, so maybe you're not aware - on an incline standards roll. Sometimes not much, but a little bit at least. Stopping three inches behind me on an incline is asking for trouble. Hit the brakes two seconds earlier and get the hell off my ass.

Breaking plans because something better came along tends to make people feel like shit and piss them off. No one likes being a back-up plan.

Making out and slobbering all over each other like a couple of drunk and horny teenagers is only marginally acceptable when you are, in fact, a drunk and horny teenager. When you're an adult in a "mature" relationship, it's just gross, creepy and unacceptable. Get a fucking room and grow the fuck up.

Unless you are a really close friend or a family member that I like, are upset or need comforting or are in a relationship with me, hugs should never last longer than about ten seconds. And that's a ten second MAX, which means for most casual hugs ten seconds it too long, aim for about a two to three second hug. If you're not a friend, don't hug me unless it's absolutely necessary, actually you should probably ask permission before touching me. And lastly, if I don't know you, don't touch me. No touchy, got it? Especially if you're a carny.

I love this...

10 reasons Gay Marriage is wrong:

1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

From me to you 7

Alight, here we go again...

Ladies, for the last time, why do you think everyone can read your minds? WHY?
Maybe I missed a meeting or a memo or something, but I can't read minds and somehow I don't think you can either so why this crazy assumption that everyone else can? If you have something to say, say it for fuck sakes!
You get mad, you don't tell me that you're mad, I don't change what I'm doing that's pissing you off and then you get mad because I don't change. Am I the only one who's seeing the problem?
If you don't tell me why you're pissed off I'm not going to try and guess and no one else wants to have to guess either. Tell me what your fucking problem is or let it go. This also applies to times when I don't even know you're pissed off. I don't take hints very well, I hate playing games and I'm sure as shit not going to work to try and figure out what crawled up your ass if you're not willing to share with the class.
All I ask is that you tell me when and why you're mad. I won't change or feel remorse if I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

If you don't have an opinion on something and you're just regurgitating what you heard on TV or read in the paper, shut the hell up. No one wants to hear you prattle on about an opinion that a) you can't support in any way, shape or form and b) isn't even yours.

If you call at some ungodly early hour and wake me up, like you damned well knew you were going to, don't act all surprised that I was asleep and don't get pissed off when I grumpy. You woke me up, I'm gonna be grump and unpleasant, trust me. And don't say you're sorry and you'll call me back later, you woke me up, talk now and you'd better make it damned good - especially if it's my day off.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Yay Food!

Naiomi recently introduced me to Chapaghetti and holy shit, am I ever glad she did. This stuff is awesomely good, it kicks the shit out of ichiban.
It's an instant noodle thing with black bean sauce and it's meat free. I found cases of it at Seoul Mart on Broad and at $5 a case I'll be buying more. (they also have lots of other delicious food and a ton of Hello Kitty stuff) The only part of my trip to Seoul Mart that was a bust was that they didn't have any Muumallaengi.

Stuff to keep yourself amused.

I came across Altering Time the other day and found myself going back on a regular basis. They've quickly become one of my favourite places to go for one simple reason - Asylum. Asylum or Political Asylum is a game they've got on their site and I enjoy it a great deal.
Basically, there is a country with two ruling political parties that have become horribly stagnant. When you join the game you start up your own party, hire advisors, try to keep the different religions and special interest groups happy with you, run commercials knocking or endorsing different issues, run smear campaigns against your opponents, gamble, hire assassins, buy yourself a HQ building, pay for signs, security, appearance, and logos and fight for power to rule the country.
I'm not an overly pollitical person and I still love this game. I'm also excited that they've got a new game coming called Engeneering Faith. It sounds like it should be great, but I'll keep you posted once it's up and running.
If you want to check out Asylum or the rest of their site (I'd suggest at least checking out their WTF sites found in the features.) go to www.alteringtime.com

Stuff I got

Well, for as much as I hate the holidays, I did get some nice shit.
It was an appliance heavy year, but after 3 years on my own I suppose I should have bought some of these thing for myself ages ago. I now have a blender which I'm very excited about - how I went this long without one is beyond me.
My brother picked me up the complete Mission Hill, which I love. If you don't know what I'm talking about, Mission Hill was a short lived cartoon series that I sorely miss. Unfortunately it was on the WB and the half-wits who watch the WB didn't get it, so it was cancelled. Any half intellegent person should check the show out.
I also got Johnny Cash: live at Montreux. Kick Ass! (I loves my Johnny Cash, I loves him good.) and Rammstein's Reise, Reise which also kicks much ass. (Yes, I like Johnny Cash, Rammstein and Flogging Molly... and many more I might add.) In fact I loved Reise, Reise so much that I went out a bought their latest, Rosenrot.
Rosenrot is amazing, really different from their older stuff but just as great. Unlike their older stuff, this new CD doesn't have the same heavy marching beat. This one also lost some of it industrial edge, thought I was a fan of the industrial sound, it's still really good. Rosenrot might be good to check out if you're not a huge fan of their old stuff, and even if you are I'd still suggest it.
And for the second year in a row I've got a new Casket. I'm really excited about this one, but like last year I have to decide how I want to finish it. I'm leaning toward painting it completely black and fitting it with some glass shelves (this years model is a display case), although I had been toying with the idea of lining it with red silk. It's been suggested that I do it the same as the Coffin table, but I doubt that will happen.

Celtic goodness

I realize that I'm probably the last person to hear about them, but I've just recently discovered Flogging Molly. I'd been listening to one of their songs for ages, without really knowing it, as it's featured on Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 (Drunken Lullabies).
I have a fairly eclectic taste in music and these guys fit right in. They've got a celtic sound I love and their songs are all really well done. Over all the music is pretty upbeat.
Anyway, if you like that Celtic-y, Ska-y, Punk-y kinda sound I would suggest you check them out if you haven't already.

Thank the pagan Gods.

I hate the holidays and I'm glad they're over.
Now can everyone please take down the decorations, the lights and for the sake of every sane person left, enough with the music.
And don't bother asking why I hate the holidays because my reasons won't satisfy the pro holiday-ers anyway.

Reasons I won't eat Aspartame

Aspartame scares me. It just seems so very wrong. It doesn't save you from gaining weight, in fact it may increase obesity. It's alright for diabetics to consume but there are other sugar substitutes that they can have as well that are derived from natural sources. It's also becoming a huge ordeal to find something made without it, which is a huge problem for people who are allergic to it - like me.
As little as one piece of gum made with Aspartame can ruin my whole day - and I should mention that the only gum I've found, still made with sugar, is kids gum. (ie. Hubba-Bubba) A diet pop will make me sick for days.
It's scary to thing how many people are consuming this stuff without thinking about what it is that they're putting into their systems. So when I found this article this morning I thought I would post it.

"In our experimental conditions, it has been demonstrated..that APM [aspartame] causes a dose-related statistically significant increase in lymphomas and leukemias in females at dose levels very near those to which humans can be exposed," the authors wrote in their conclusion. Only rats feed aspartame developed brain tumors. Increases of lymphomas and leukemias at the lowest exposure level was 62 percent and "an increase in the incidence of these types of neoplasias was also observed in males exposed to the highest dose."

Neurosurgeon Russell Blaylock, MD, one of the world's leading authorities on aspartame neurotoxicity, extensively reviewed the Soffritti report. "This study confirmed the previous study by Dr. Trocho and co-workers (1998), which also found the formaldehyde breakdown product of aspartame to be damaging to cellular DNA and that this damage was cumulative. The type of damage was a duplicate of that associated with cancers. These two studies strongly indicate that drinking a single diet cola sweetened with aspartame every day could significantly increase one's risk of developing a lymphoma or leukemia.

The full article is to long to copy and paste, but please feel free to check it out at http://www.wnho.net/whopper