Thursday, September 27, 2007

For My Sake, Please

If you're over 300 lbs. and you have enough body hair to warrant brushing it, could you please wear a shirt when you go out in public. And yes, driving around in your car counts as "public". Also it's nearly October, it's not even almost hot enough to be an excuse for me having to see that much of you.

Looking For A Good Time?

Then I would definitely suggest that you spray food colouring all over your kitchen counter, walls and floor and use mulitple colours. You can make a game of it. See if you can clean it all up before it stains the shit out of everything. Or see how many things you can spray just by knocking the bottle off the shelf. How about seeing how many papertowels you need to use or how many dishrags you can ruin. And if you're really up for a good time make sure you completely stain both of your hands. Because this game just isn't fun unless you tie dye your hands.
On a completely unrelated note, I'm a little pissed off right now.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Well At Least It's Not Another Mime.

1. What time did you get up this morning? The phone woke me up at 10am. It was my grandma. That is the only reason I didn't scream at her.

2. Diamonds or pearls? For what?

3. What was the last film you saw at the movies? The Simpsons Movie. Not too bad, not too great either.

4. What is your favorite TV show? I have a lot of them. But M*A*S*H* is my long time favourite.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Workday - Coffee. Day off - A couple of eggs and toast, coffee. Cereal if I'm being lazy.

6. What's your middle name? I don't have one. Though if I had been given one my mom says it would have been my greatgrandmother's name which I would be cool with now. However growing up with "Ethel" as a middle name may not have been so cool.

7. What food do you dislike? Capers. I don't just dislike them. I hate them. They make me angry I hate them so much.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Wolfmother - Woman.

9. What kind of car do you drive? 2001 Sunfire

10. Favorite sandwich? Tuna salad

11. What characteristics do you despise? Pretentiousness, manipulativeness, weakness, stupidity.

12. Favorite item of clothing? Either my Pink Floyd or my Ozzy shirt. Both of which are old as the hills and are falling apart.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would you go? England with stops in Ireland and Scotland.

14. What color is your bathroom? Blue at the moment, which will be changing soon.

15. Favorite brand of clothing? See # 11

16. Where would you retire? If money were no object, probably somewhere in the UK.

17. Most memorable birthday? Probably my last one. It didn't get too fucked up, at least not to the point where I was just out-right disgusted with everyone.

18.Favorite Sport to watch? Soccer.

19. Furthest place you are sending this? All over the damn world, bitches! Thanks to this marvelous series of tubes we call the interwebs.

20. Who do you expect to send this back to you? Everyone. Absolutely everyone.

21. Person you expect to send it back first? Sting.

22. Favorite saying? Well that's a load of shit.

23. When is your birthday? May 29th

24. Are you a morning person or a night person? Put it this way, if I were to become a vampire I doubt many people would notice a difference in the hours I keep.

25. What is your shoe size? men's 9

26. Pets? Ozzy and Dorian. Cats both. Princesses both. Complete assholes both.

27. What did you want to be when you were little? I think for a while there I wanted to be a vet or something. I dunno, but my child self would be very disappointed anyhow.

28. What are you today? Female, Caucasian, occasionally medicated, perpetually pissed off, easily angered... a little hungry?

29. What is your favorite candy? Do I have to pick just one? Damn.... um.... I dunno... a lot of them.

30. What is your favorite flower? Roses are kind of cliche, but I like them. And daisies.

31. What's the next day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Halloween. Like always, with child-like giddiness.

32. What church do you attend? Chu-urch? Wha?

33. What are you listening to right now? The White Album on vinyl. Whoo!

34. What was the last thing you ate? A felafel pita, last night.

36. Do you believe in Angels? They seem like they've got a pretty stong team this year.

37 . If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Is there a colour for "bitchy"?

38. What is your pet peeve? Noisy chewers, painfully bad parenting, stupid people, etc, etc, etc...

39. Last person you spoke to on the phone? A woman from work.

41. Favorite soft drink? Pop Shoppe Lime - Ricky, Boylan's soda - just about any flavour, Jones Soda - Green Apple

42. Favorite restaurant? Wasabi or Taco Del Mar.

43. Hair Color? It's not really one colour. It's kind of brown and dark red with some lighter highlights. It just grows out that way, so I don't have a colour code from a box I can give you or anything.

44. Siblings? One and he's.... special.

45. Favorite day of the year? Halloween.

46. What was your favorite toy as a child? My books. Seriously. I'm so lame. (I had a giant box of barbies that had been given to me and I didn't ever play with them. And dolls didn't make any sense.) Oh and Barkley, who took up an entire suitcase to bring him from Germany, who I still have and love and if you touch him I swear to fucking christ and all that is holy I will kill you where you stand.

47. Summer or winter? Fall.

48. Hugs or kisses? Rarely.

49. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

50. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Doesn't matter.

51. When was the last time you cried? ummm... I dunno. About a week ago.

52. What is under your bed? *shudder* I don't know.

53. Who is the friend you've had the longest? Anita

54. What did you do last night? Ate some food and fell asleep on the couch watching Corner Gas. Oh yeah, the party never stops at my house.

55. Favorite smell? Rain smell.

56. What are you afraid of? Moths. Disgusting evil nasty freaks.

57. What makes you laugh? Lots of things. Really. I laugh. A lot.

58. How many years at your current job? Three and change.

59. Favorite day of the week? Payday.

60. Favorite book? At the moment Darkly Dreaming Dexter, Dearly Devoted Dexter and Dexter in the Dark. And if Jeff Lidsay doesn't get a move on with more Dexter stuff, he's going to have a problem on his hands. Namely me.


I spend a lot of time bitching about women. Women of all things. Women, of which I am one. But let's face it, they are (for the most part) insane, bitchy, manipulative and did I mention insane? They all seem to have this idea that everyone has ESP so they don't actually have to verbally comunicate anything but the most inane rubbish. When they do actually want to communicate something of importance they hint or imply in the most obnoxious roundabout sort of way. And heaven forbid you should just come right out and ask them what the problem is.
You'll almost never get anything beyond "Nothing" or "I'm fine" or "I'm not mad" in that tone that leaves you with no other choice then to believe that they aren't exactly being truthful. Or you might get my personal favourite. "If you don't know what you did, I'm not going to tell you." (Yes, I've gotten that from a girl before. Actually several girls. What, am I your fucking boyfriend now?)
Now let's pause for a second. "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
WHAT!? What the fuck does that even mean? If I don't know and you're not going to tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to work out what the problem is?
They're all fucking lunatics.
That being said, I don't exactly have a lot of praise for men either. Most days I'm just shocked that they manage to dress and feed themselves.
I can't even offer that they say what they mean (which is what I always hear from men "we say what we mean"... BULLSHIT!). I can't count the number of times I've asked a guy what's wrong and gotten "Nothing". Which of couse means "I'm mad at you but I'm not going to tell you why because I like when something little has to be like pulling fucking teeth."
And then to listen to them talk about what they're looking for in a girlfriend. "I just want someone low maintenance. Someone who doesn't mind if I watch the game/hang out with my friends/isn't jealous/etc." Can we just stop with this bullshit already?Or if that is actually what you want, maybe you could go for that instead of dating a girl who is so high maintenance she might as well be a poodle. And if you do like Miss Poodle Princess, could you stop fucking bitching about her?
Goddamnit! What the fuck is wrong with people!?
Can I get a fucking Bullshit-to-English Dictionary over here, please? Because trying to figure out what you assholes are talking about half the time is exhausting.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Avast Ye Scurvy Dogs!

It be one o' the best day o' the year today! And all ye bilge-sucking poxy bastards aught to know what that means! T'is Talk Like A Pirate Day!
For any of ye landlubbers who don't wish to walk the plank, I'd be learnin' these. And for any addlepate who doesn't know what I'm on about, I'd be readin' this before we keelhaul ye.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Holy Gross!

It was a fairly slow night at work tonight. It's Sunday and the late movie was kind of... well... not exciting. I think the final count was a whole ten people. And three of those were double features. So you can imagine how busy I was.
Anyway, I finished everything I had to do fairly quickly. Less people means less work. And after a few dozen pages of my book I ran to the washroom to blow my nose. (Seriously, I had to blow my nose. Don't ask me why, the library makes my nose stuff up. I think it's all the dust.) I grabbed a bit of TP and I blow my nose, no big deal. I check myself in the mirror to make sure that there's nothing in my teeth or a nose goblin stuck to my shirt or something, when I notice it. There on the floor behind me. Poking out under one of the bathroom stalls.
A puddle of blood.
It's not enough blood that I'm worried about a huge injury. But it's more that a few drops. Like I said, a puddle. Enough to gross me out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not squeamish about blood. Puddles of blood in a public washroom however do, as a general rule, gross me out.
Now being that I am at work and I will have to check the bathroom eventually I decide to see if there is a source for this blood. You know, a dismembered body part or something (which would have been kind of cool). So I open the stall to investigate.
No body parts. So where's the blood from?
For any of the guys out there who may not know, many public women's washrooms have a "rag bin" in every stall. It's a small receptacle on the wall for "feminine products" after you're done with them.
The blood puddle is directly below one such receptacle. And upon closer inspection (not too close mind you... in fact, not close at all) I also notice the "splatter" around the puddle from the dripping.
It was at this point that I left the washroom. Quickly.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

New Link

I'd just like to draw everyone's attention to the new link I posted for Body Fuel Organics. I recommend this place highly. Not only do they have lots of really great stuff (like Gano, my personal favourite) but it's also owned and opperated by a super nice lady named Lana. Seriously, this lady is quite possibly the world's nicest person.
So if you want good stuff or you want to help out a seriously awesome person, go there. Spend money. Try some Gano. Order one of their bins. Etc.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

From Me To You 20

Wow, how long has it been? Too long, my friends, too long.

- Going for acupuncture when you're ragging is a really bad idea. Just trust me on this one. Unless you really like it when things suck a whole lot.

- When you come to the library and you want to check out a book the proceedure is the same every damn time. I need to see your card before I check out your books. When you walk up to the desk knowing full well that you will need your card and still have the balls to take your time, dig through every pocket and compartment in your purse or wallet or whatever looking for the damned thing, chances are I am going to want to hurt you. Especially if there is a line of people behind you.

- There are rules no matter where you go. The people who work there don't make them up just to annoy you. They have to follow them just like everyone else. No ammount of talk, bribery, yelling, sob stories, etc. is going to change that. So stop your bitching and suck it up.

- The more you bitch the less I want to help. Understand? You treat me like a person and I might just do something to fix your problem.

- Talking on your cell while you're at the check-out is exceptionally rude. You are an asshole and now everyone knows it.

- The more you act like a dick, the bigger my shit eating grin is going to get and the more sickly sweet I'm going to get. Just because I know it's pissing you off. You think you know passive agressive? You ain't seen nothing yet.

- No one is impressed or scared by your "I've been in prison" stories. In fact we usually make fun of you when you leave.

- Maybe if you took the time to read the signs you wouldn't look like such an idiot asking such stupid questions.

- Yes, you have late fees. This is because your items were late. We tell you when they're due when you take them out. We print off a slip with the due date. We give you two renewals, that you can do over the phone or on-line. We call when they are overdue. We call again if you still don't bring them back. And you still didn't manage to bring them back until the fines got that big. So how is this my fucking fault? That's right. It's not.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

If He's Typical, I Need To Seriously Consider Any Plans To Visit Belgium

I really can't come up with anything witty to say about this. It's just one of those things you have to see.
I mean, seeing it won't make you understand it. But it will make you happy you're not a belgian funeral director.