Funny? Not Even A Little

As I have previously stated, I hate AFV and all the shows out there like it. They are the kind of shows that glorify poor decision making skills and stupidity. They play to the lowest form of entertainment. I really believe that shows of that kind only serve to dumb down the already slow witted general public.
But the one thing that I hate most of all about shows like that are quite a few of the videos involving small children and animals (The former being a group I don't really care for and the latter a group I love dearly).
Last night when I stopped at my friend's house, he had AFV on so I ended up seeing more than I cared to. One video in particular caught my eye.
After watching a toddler in a bathtub pull a nearby cat (rather roughly, I might add) in to the water only to have the cat spaz (That's right, letting your naked child haul and angry cat, complete with claws, in to a bathtub is a REALLY GOOD IDEA) I was just about done. I'd love to tell you I was surprised that it only got worse.
It was followed by a video of a very small child crawling along after a tiny frog (it apparently had gotten in to their house as it was hoping frantically across the carpet). The baby kept grabbing at the poor thing in the ungracious manner that babies have while the camera looked on and the parents laughed. When the baby finally got ahold of the terrified frog I was cringing but the announcer was kind enough to assure everyone that the baby didn't crush the frog.
No.
While the parents watched the baby nearly squishing the life out of a living thing (and laughed) it shoved the poor frog in its mouth and killed it that way.
Yeah, Mr. Announcer. Thanks for telling us all not to worry that the baby wasn't going to squish the frog in its hand. And way to go, mom with the camera, for waiting until that happened (because we didn't all see that coming) to put down the fucking camera and dig the now very dead frog out of your child's mouth.
Can someone please tell me what part of that was meant to be funny?
Actually, no. Don't. I would like to hold on to a little tiny piece of me that believes that there are still people out there who also can't see what part of that is supposed to be comical.

X-Lessons

A couple months ago I bought Vol. 1 of X-Men: The Animated Series. It's one of those things I love because I grew up watching it. I used to get up early on Saturday morning just to watch it. I bought the comics. I know all the characters. So I was excited to be able to watch them again.

Last week I bought some more and since I've got myself a cold again, I've been doing little else but watching through them all.

While I was watching them (really for the first time in years) I started noticing all the little things that had never really occurred to me before.

- Scott Summers is an even bigger asshole than I remember. I never liked Cyclops, he always struck be as a jerk-bag but there were way too many times I wanted to punch him. Why the fuck is Jean even with him? Hell, Logan is a fucking pushover compared to Scott.

- I know Jubilee was meant to be the character the "younger audience" was supposed to think was cool and someone for them to relate to, but Jesus Christ on a cracker that girl is the most annoying moron in the whole line-up of Marvel characters. Her role seems to be less "being cool and relatable" and more "fucking up everything with her raging stupidity and general fuck-wittery".

- I had completely forgotten just how "late 80s/early 90s" the look of the show was. Mostly because when I was watching the show last it was the late 80s/early 90s.

- X-Men should never have done a Christmas special. It is, hands down, the lamest episode ever. I have never seen a christmas special of any show that I liked but this was absolutely bottom of the barrel.

- I do love Nightcrawler but his over the top christian preachiness made me want to puke. The fact that they had Logan kneeling in a church praying after his chat with Kurt was almost more than I could handle. What the fuck was up with that? Thanks for pushing your hardcore religious agenda on a children's show (and the right-wingers are worried about the "subliminal subversive messages" in other shows?).

- For as much as I really do love the show, it is really funny seeing just how watered down a lot of it is. I know it's because it's a kid show meant for Saturday morning viewing but hearing Wolverine coming out with classic lines like "Stop the philosophy, let's go kick his butt!", "What are you doing with her, you pile of dog puke?" and "It's adamantium tasting time, boys!" (I think we can all be thankful that didn't become his catchphrase) is just kind of sad.

- Not just for X-Men, but can all animated shows PLEASE stop creating Scottish characters (or any character with am accent) unless you are willing to either find someone who HAS an accent or can pull one off successfully. I don't know why the Scots get hit so hard in this category, but sweet Jebus... that shitty voice is making me jealous of the deaf.

I feel like at this point I need to reiterate that I do love the show. Like most things tho, that doesn't mean that I don't have plenty to complain about or make fun of.

Goodbye, Mr. Lye

Maybe the name Les Lye is one you're not familiar with but he was a big part of my childhood. He was "the adult" on You Can't Do That On Television and I spent more time watching Les and the rest of the gang than almost anything else for years.

Les passed away yesterday. He was 84.

So, goodbye and thanks for the laughs, Les.

Some Things I Wonder

I have a tiny obsession. Nothing to big or terrible. I mean, there are plenty of other obsessions I have, but this one is probably the longest standing obsession in my collection.

I love cartoons. I do. I love animated shorts, like the old WB cartoons. I love animated series like Spongebob Squarepants and the Simpsons. I love animated movies, both traditional and CG (Pixar has been on my "companies I'd LOVE to work for" list since the first time I saw Toy Story). And I love and adore stop motion animation. Hell, I have favourite voice actors. Really, I do.

But for all my love and adoration, for all the hours I've spent sitting in front of the TV watching and laughing, there are a few things I always wonder about. 

You know, because I'm a five year old trapped inside a cynical, bitter, sarcastic adult.

- How is it that Bugs and Elmer always seem to end up getting married? Really? I'm so not opposed to the gay aspect. No, it's that Bugs is a rabbit. Yeah, he's a talking rabbit but... he's still a rabbit. Even if he does look hot in a dress...

- Am I the only one who thinks Bugs looks hot in a dress? I don't understand it, but you take a scrawny, wise cracking, Brooklyn-accent having, male rabbit, put a dress and some lipstick on him and suddenly he's the hottest chick any gun toting, rabbit hating bad guy has ever seen. Weird.

- How is it possible that I've seen Wile E. Coyote smashed, blown up, flattened, dropped, tied up and generally thwarted by his own bad planning and ACME's subpar products in almost every way imaginable and it's STILL funny? 

- Am I the only one who thinks Tweety is an annoying little shit and is totally on Sylvester's side? 

- I've always wanted to know what Marc Anthony's owners look like. Kind of like the adults on Charlie Brown. I'd also like to smack them every time they wail on their dog. 

- Sam and Ralph punch in and out, I've heard Sam say "another day, another dollar", so what they do is their job but who's employing them? I understand hiring a sheepdog, but did they hire a wolf too? And it must be paying pretty well to have Ralph keep coming back. I mean, the benefits alone would have to be amazing. 

I dunno... maybe I'm thinking about these things too much.

Ever Have One Of Those Moments?

You know, when you remember something totally obscure from years ago? Some stupid shit that used to make you laugh and was somehow forgotten? And then out of no where it just comes to you and you're like "Holy shit! I need to find that again!"? Yeah, like that.
I just had one of those moments and thanks to the magic of the internets I found it. Jar Barf.
Seriously, am I the only one who remembers this? And why does it still make me laugh? And why haven't I watch Conan in so long?
Check out the Jar Barf Channel

Waffle Time!

Last night I was watching TV and I came to the conclusion that I needed a waffle. Why a waffle? I have no idea. Luckily for me however, I have a waffle iron, I found a decent recipe for waffles and I actually had ALL the stuff I needed. So at 9pm I made waffle batter. (I'm one of those weirdos who actually has to make them from scratch because frozen store bought waffles are disgusting.) While I made waffles I learned three very important things.

1. Vanilla soy milk works really well in waffle batter and it makes the waffles kind of sweet.

2. I ALWAYS over fill the first batch of waffles. You'd think I'd learn.

3. My waffle iron makes farting noises which make me giggle like a small child. I am just too mature for words.

I also had to make all of the batter which made more waffles than any one person should ever eat in a single sitting, so now I have tasty waffles in my freezer I can have any time. In fact, I had peanut butter and jam waffle for breakfast instead of toast. Sometimes it's good to be me.
Oh and I was watching Scrubs while I ate breakfast and I happened to be watching an episode that starts off with John C. McGinley singing a happy little song (John C. being the #1 reason I watch Scrubs, it made me giddy**). Now you can enjoy it too!



**Bet you would never have guessed that Dr. Cox is MY favourite character, eh?

I Hope Zombie Elvis Guts You Like A Fish

Short of the handful of truely awesome adverts that win awards at places like Cannes and the London International Advertising awards, most range from bad to completely horrific. A poorly desgined ad, a low budget ad, a cheesy ad, most of these I can understand. But there are some products that I honestly could live the rest of my life without ever seeing advertised again and I would be happy.
Most defecation related commercials, for instance. Toilet paper, diapers and most especially *shudder* adult diapers. Without exception, they all send me scrambling for the remote. You can use all the "mysterious blue liquid" you like to show a diaper's absorbency, we all know you're talking about piss. And I can't put into words how gross it is, listening to some old broad talk about how much more free she feels.
Every advert having to do with maxi pads, tampons, etc. They're all vomit enducing. And for the love of all things decent and good, could you please stop trying to make being on your rag look like something happy and cute!? Seriously, "have a happy period"? Which man came up with that one. Because I cannot believe that any woman would come up with that load of shit. And the whole tampon campain when that woman plugs a leak in a canoe with her fucking TAMPON? Who was the genius who came up with that gem? Why didn't you just show a woman saving a village from a tsunami with her goddamned Always?
But the top of my list is Viagra. Every single one of their ads is wrong and awful in every way, shape and form. There isn't a single situation I can think of that would make middle aged weirdos talking about being able to get it up acceptable. I don't want to see some creepy bitch singing in the streets about how she was up all night boinking her potbellied retiree. I don't want to see or hear grey haird golf buddies talk some kind of creepy old man gibberish about how viagra brought life back to their wrinkley old man bits. And I sure as shit don't want a group of aging wanna-be rockers sitting around in some cruddy old building killing a perfectly good Elvis song so they can sing about their little blue pill.
Has anyone else seen this? "Viva Viagra"? They can't be serious. If I didn't know better I'd think it was a SNL gag commercial. I was expecting to hear the audience laughing at the end. But no. They're actually sitting around with their buddies singing about how none of them can get it up. Then they all race off, presumably because the pills are kicking in and we all know that sitting around with a group of men who have hard-ons would be just a little awkward. I can't imagine how it would be more awkward that boisterously singing about how you've got permanent limp dick without chemical help, but apparently these guys can.
When Bob Dole first started talking about Viagra, way back in the day when this shit was still a joke - that was wrong. But I think deep down we all sighed because, hey, it couldn't get any worse... right? Yeah well, apparently it wasn't going to get any better either.
*sigh* I think I've just got to start buying more shit on DVD and skipping TV all together.