Monday, December 31, 2007

IT'S HERE!!!!!!


It's not often I check for mail (like actual mail type mail... you remember... a person delivers it to your house) and end up squealing like a schoolgirl and giggling like a maniac. But today, today was different. At first I was confused because, though the package had my name on it, I had no idea who it was from. Plain brown envelope, not a sender I recognized, I certainly wasn't expecting anything. Hmmm...
So I sliced it open and slid out a clear CD case that has become the highlight of my day, possibly my year.
SKULLMONKEYS! YAY!
I bought it off eBay ages ago and had been waiting long enough that I had stopped compulsively checking my mailbox every ten minutes. But now it's here and it's all mine!
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you should be ashamed of yourself. And once you've become sufficiently shamed you should seek out and play it because it is the greatest game in the world. (With the exception of the Neverhood.)

Now That Xmas Is Over

New Toy

After much bitching and complaining about my very old, very shit, very thrashed camera my parents got me a new one for Xmas. And my, is it ever spanky. I love it. A lot. Especially because after my parents gave it to me my mom realized that it's way better than hers and this is annoying the shit out of her. (Don't you all wish you could have wonderful children like me?)
Anyway, I should mention that I am not a photographer in even the broadest sense of the word. I don't know how I manage to do it, but I fuck up 99.9% of every picture I take. But I still do like having a camera because sometimes you just need to snap a picture of something. This camera makes me especially happy because it has a panoramic setting, which is something I love and it's something I know I can do reasonably well. (By that of course I mean the pictures don't look like they were taken by a drunken 5 year old.)
So here are a few pictures I took the night I got it.






Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Box Set Luck

Nearly every xmas for the last ten years I have had at least one box set on my list. And I normally get one from my parents or my brother. But for some reason Gwenhwyfar + xmas + box set = disaster. I don't get it. I buy box sets for myself throughout the year and never have a problem but come xmas, there is always something wrong. Most notably was last year.
My parents relented and bought me a Johnny Cash box set (they hate Johnny, the freaks). I, being the childish present opener I am, opened it right up. (Don't ask why I do that, I don't know. I just have to see the whole thing.) And inside... nothing. I really thought they were shitting me. No disks, no booklet, nothing. In fact the spots for the CDs were warped so they wouldn't have held any CDs even if they had been in there. (By the way, you try taking a box set back on boxing day and try to convince the guy at the returns counter that there were no disks in there.)
This year my bother bought me the entire series of The Young Ones and I was ecstatic. (if you haven't seen this show, you should. Two words - Rik Mayall.) Once again I cracked it open to take a look. And then I noticed something. Three disks. Disk two, disk two and disk three.
Crap.
I even tried the disks to see if it was a misprint or if they were fucking with me. No. Disk two, disk two and disk three.
Crap.
*Sigh* So we're going to take it back and exchange it.
Maybe I'll see if they can do something about my box set curse while I'm there.

To All My Friends,

I appreciate you all more than you will ever know. You have all at one time or another (whether you knew it or not) been the support I needed most. And I owe you all a thousand thanks.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Saying It While You Can

I've heard it said a hundred times I'm sure. "Say it while you can." Tell the people you love that you love them. Tell the people that have helped you that they have made a difference. Tell the people who are important that they mean something to you. While you still can. Because you never know what tomorrow holds. Because if you don't, one day you'll find that you can't and nothing will fix the guilt you feel at never saying the words out loud.
Yesterday I found out that someone who was at one time a very important person in my life is dying. And as I have no real way of telling him in person I'm going to take this opportunity to say it, because I never took the time to tell him.
Thank you, Sir. For all the days I know you stayed late just to listen to me. For giving me someone to talk to. For making me feel important. You made some of the most painful years tollerable just by taking the time to learn my name and giving me the opprtunity to talk things out. From the first time I met you until the very last time I said good-bye you were nothing but supportive and understanding. Even when we both knew I was being selfish or childish you still validated what I was feeling. You gave me worth when I felt worthless.
I don't think you'll ever really know how much that meant to me, how much it still means to me. You helped me become a stronger person and I owe you more than I will ever be able to repay.
I am forever in your debt.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Little Bit Of Holiday Stealin'

Not only am I being lazy, but I'm a thief. It's going to be a good day. (And apparently my iPod thinks I'm a lesbian who listens to too much cloud cult.)

Rules: Put your music player on shuffle, press forward for each question and use the song title as the answer.

What does next year have in store for me?
Hung up - Madonna

What's my love life like?
Peaches - Presidents of the USA

What do I say when life gets hard?
Scabs, Guns and Peanut Butter - Marilyn Manson

What do you think of on waking up?
Princess Bride - Cloud Cult

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Bad Timing - Blue Rodeo

What do you want as a career?
Lucky today - Cloud Cult

Your favorite saying?
Happy Hippo - Cloud Cult

Favorite place?
Cooking it up - James Asher

What do you think of your parents?
Fly me to the moon - Dinah Washington

What's your porn star name?
Management's Advice - Jeff Beal

Where would you go on a first date?
Blue Moon - Billie Holiday

Drug of choice?
I'm only happy when it rains - Garbage

Describe yourself.
Shoes - Kelly

What is the thing i like doing most?
Black Sunshine - White Zombie

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Diary of a dope fiend - Marilyn Manson

How will I die?
Best Friend - Cloud Cult

Monday, December 17, 2007

Who Loves Q?

I loves Q.

Just sayin'.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

You're All Retarded, Right? Is That The Problem?

On my drive home from work (a whole 20 minute drive) I was nearly rear-ended no less than eight times. Why? Because some people seem to forget how to drive as soon as it snows and others didn't know how to drive in the first place.
If you can see the glare off the street, chances are that they're fucking icy, you stupid fuck. Didn't you clue in when you fish-tailed around the corner? There's a really good reason I'm doing 40. It fucking snowed all day and the roads are terrible.
But that's okay, you keep chatting on your goddamned cell phone and braking at the last possible goddamned second. It's okay that I can see you skidding toward me, pumping your fucking brakes because, hey, I was right. The roads are terrible. And please, by all means, you ride my fucking bumper for as long as you can. I know there are two lanes of traffic, but changing lanes is a lot of work. Right?
I'm sure you have somewhere really important to be, so it's perfectly okay with me.
I fucking hate people.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Dear Brett Ratner,

Hi there. Brett (may I call you Brett?) I think it's about time we had a little chat. I've been putting it off for quite a while now because I was angry. Really angry. And I needed some time to cool off, to collect my thoughts, so I wouldn't say a bunch of hurtful things I didn't really mean. If I'm going to say hurtful things I'd like to be able to mean what I say.
He's my problem Brett - X-men 3: The Last Stand.
Can I just ask you something and get it out of the way? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!? Seriously Brett, you were handed something good and awesome, with a fan base already in place, with the story already written wonderfully, with characters we all know and love. And you fucked it up. You fucked it up royally, my friend. I'm not sure how you managed to fuck it up so bad actually.
Didn't anyone mention the comics before you started making the movie? Or the other two films? Because it seems an awful lot like you weren't aware of either. At first I though that the movie played out like you have just kind of flipped through the comics to get the general drift and then tried to put together the rest for yourself. But after some time and consideration I have to admit that even if you had flipped through the comics, ignoring the fact that there are actual words in with those pretty pictures, you would have gotten closer to the mark. As it stands, you not only missed the mark, you missed the planet that the mark is on. In fact it looks like your only exposure to the X-men before making the movie was a fucking internet meme (which would explain the unforgivably bad line "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!". You can't explain that one away, Brett, so don't even try.)
This bothers me Brett. It bothers me that you took some really good casting choices and an excellent cast from the previous films and still churned out shit. It's like a big fuck you to all the fans. And not to nitpick here or anything, but aren't the fans the ones who you're supposed to be impressing? You know, so you make money off a film? Maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, I just needed to clear the air about all this. I don't like going around being mad without at least trying to discuss it with the person I'm mad at.
So Brett, could you do me a big favour from now on? Could you stick to directing made-for-middle-america-playing-to-the-lowest-common-denominator-borderline-offensive-racial-stereotyping movies from now on, so I know which ones to avoid? And for the love of god, could you please stay the fuck away from any more comic based movies?
Thanks,
-Gwenhwyfar

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

He Must Be Canadian

I love that you can hear the skip ask him if he's scottish.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Dear Universal, Columbia and WB,

Let me start off by saying fuck you and getting it out of the way. For various reasons I'm pissed off at you all. Not just you but for what I want to discuss right now I have to point a finger at the three of you. I'll let you guess which finger.
Aside for all having a long list of shitty, unoriginal, big budget, blockbuster, unwatchably bad movies you've now all done exactly the same thing to me. Not just me, mind you. To many people. You put out a single season of a show and then pulled the plug on the rest. Shows I can't get anywhere else because they've all run their course. Shows I love. Shows I would be willing to pay money for just to be able to have and enjoy.
I must also tell you that I know a good number of people have no issue with going for bootleg copies. I know how much you like that sort of thing, so I thought you should know. I can't blame them though. You've really forced them, now haven't you? So don't get all pissy when you find them doing exactly that. Remember, you get what you give.
So how about, just for this once, you try being less asshole-ish? Could you do that for me? If you do I promise we'll make sure to overlook McHale's Navy, The Fog, Exorcist: The Beginning. Okay?
Thanks,
-Gwenhwyfar.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Drop Everything You're Doing And Go Now

If anyone in this city is up for some serious sushi action, Miso is the place you should be.
I'm always a little skeptical of any place that's "all you can eat" because it usually means "we've cut enough corners that you can stuff your gob until you puke for only $10". But this place has made me a believer. Unfortunately it's not $10, it's $22 which I'm not complaining about at all. I know I got my money's worth. I'm stuffed and everything was fabulous.
I can't think of a single thing to complain about. The food was amazingly delicious, the wait staff was quick, friendly and very helpful, the restaurant was spotless and tastefully decorated, they had barley tea (which made my whole day). They even have a section of "floor seating" which I love. The music was a bit strange but not painfully loud, and if nothing else it was good for a laugh.
If I had the authority to hand out stars they wouldn't just get four or five, they could have every star I've got. Everyone should go there. Seriously. Now.

From Me To You 22

- Part of being a good waiter or waitress is know when to fuck off. Whether people are in the middle of a serious conversation or if you've started chatting with them like they're your buddy. Walk away my friend, walk away.

- I don't tip "because it's required", I tip because I get good service. And if I get bad service, you get nothing. See how that works? If you come to the table six fucking times in a row and my glass is still empty I will quench my thirst with your tip.

- Don't get fucking pissy with me when you don't get your tip. You know how the game works, you ungrateful fuck. I don't know what planet you come from where you get everything for nothing, but here on my planet we have to work for what we get.

- Restaurants should pay all of their staff a fair wage and stop expecting their customers to pick up the difference. The whole tipping system is bullshit. There are plenty of places in the world where no one tips and they haven't fallen into chaos yet.

- You know you've been working at the library for too long when you get halfway through putting away your DVDs before realising you've been filing them in perfect alphabetical order.

- You know you've been working at the library way too long when you have the overwhelming urge to correct the spelling and grammar in the bathroom graffiti.

- No radio station should ever be allowed to play 24hrs of Christmas music for the entire month of December.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Another Year Gone, But Never Forgotten


9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980

Friday, December 07, 2007

It's 5.30am

Why am I awake?
Not a fucking clue.

That About Sums Up My Feelings



This is by far my favourite Penny Arcade strip ever. And they made a bunny hug out of it.
I was excited for about five seconds until I saw that it was already sold out. So I put it to you. Anyone who gets me this bunny hug will have my undying love and affection.
They would also be at liberty to ask any number of favours of me.
Just sayin'.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Kind Of Sorry But Not Really

I know I haven't posted anything all that interesting in days already and I'm sorry. Insomnia has taken over again (who am I kidding? It never really leaves) and has left me with a case of mush brain.
Honestly, I'll try to post something interesting soon.
Any one have any suggestions? Anything you want to know? Anything you want to see?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Advertising Wood


Apparently Amazon thinks that chubbies help sell boxers.
Maybe I'm just not easily impressed but this doesn't make me want to buy boxers. It just made me laugh. And is it just me or is that guy standing in a really odd position?

Sunday, December 02, 2007

More Linky Goodness

I've added Free Rice to the link list. I think it's an awesome idea. Expand your vocab and feed hungry people. Everyone wins. Yay! So go play and feel good about wasting your time.
(Oh and I also added a permanent link to 100 Things About Me.)

God Damned Cat

Chat Noir is a game bound to both drive you completely insane and get you helplessly addicted. I swear that fucking cat is mocking me.
The idea is to try and trap the cat in a barrier of dark spots. So you click the light spots, one at a time. But every time you click a spot the cat runs to get away.
Enjoy.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Adam On

Like that little play on words? No? Well fuck you. It's three in the fucking morning. I'm tired. Leave me alone.
Anyway, now that you guys totally fucked me up with your negativity I guess I'll just skip anything else I was going to say and get to it. I've added Avitable's blog. Why? Because he's taken the time to comment on the stupid crap I write and because every now and then his blog makes me laugh. Further proof that I'm a terrible person.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

100 Things About Me

I'm stealing ideas from Mr. Fab today because I'm too damned lazy to come up with my own. (That and reading his list made me curious to see if I could come up withh 100 things about myself.)

1. I'm a girl.
2. I'm Canadian.
3. I have two cats, they're both boys. Names - Ozzy and Dorian (bet you can't guess what colour he is).
4. I've been to film school for Make-up design for film and television.
5. I finished film school at the top of my class (graduate with honors) which is the best I've ever done at anything.
6. I'm allergic to perfume, aspartame and bananas.
7. I have kidney disease.
8. I'm terrible at spelling and I worry about it whenever I write anything.
9. I've seen every episode of Star Trek TNG, in order.
10. I love Babylon 5, but only seasons 1 - 4.
11. I love old movies (TCM is my favourite channel).
12. My taste in men is a bit odd and I like older men.
13. Thirteen is my favourite number.
14. I've been in five car accidents, three were my fault, one totalled my car.
15. I own two large coffins, both were made by family members and were given to me at christmas (one was carried by family members down a main street by the pallbearer handles on christmas morning) and about 7 small coffins. All but one were given to me as christmas presents.
16. I would like to have more coffins, lots more.
17. I own all of the Marx brothers movies.
18. I taught myself to knit and knit often.
19. I taught myself to make chain mail.
20. I watch at least one movie every day, I don't know why.
21. I love my couch more than I love most people.
22. I've been a vegetarian since 1997.
23. I smoke when I'm stressed.
24. I hate wearing socks and only wear them when I have to.
25. Only a handful of people can claim to ever have seen me in a dress.
26. I've read all but the very last book in the Vampire Chronicles series.
27. I never write in cursive, I can, I just don't.
28. I only need three more badges to get my life guard's certificate. I will probably never do that.
29. I have broken four of my fingers and set them all myself. I never did bother going to the hospital.
30. I've broken four of my toes, three all at once, the other by itself. Breaking toes sucks more than breaking fingers.
31. I broke my foot falling down the stairs while carrying a microwave. I still went to work the next day and walked around on it.
32. I broke my wrist a number of years ago and broke out in chicken pox the day after. This was in the first week of summer vacation. (worst summer ever)
33. I have more scars than I can count, most of them I don't remember getting. The larger ones all have stories, all of them involve me doing something stupid.
34. I share a birthday with JFK, Danny Elfman, Bob Hope and Melissa Etheridge.
35. I've seen every episode of M*A*S*H*, in order.
36. I had to clear out an entire cupboard just to make room for my coffee mugs. (I have a problem, leave me alone.)
37. I wear size 10 shoes. I have big feet. Leave me alone.
38. I am a life long insomniac.
39. I never have good dreams, they're always terrible and they usually wake me up.
40. I read comics and I own more than ten graphic novels.
41. I love Hellboy and B.P.R.D. (Mike Mignola is fucking amazing.)
42. I've never been to Disneyland and have no desire to go.
43. When I was really little my hair was blond, it has gotten darker over the years and is now dark red/auburn.
44. For a number of years I died my hair frequently and had forgotten what colour my hair actually was. It has been Fire engine red (which made me look like Scully according to my friends), blue, purple and black. The black lasted for three years.
45. My hair used to hang down almost to my knees, I cut it off out of spite.
46. I've been growing my hair out again, mostly out of laziness/cheapness.
47. Back hair grosses me out.
48. Accents, especially british accents, turn me on.
49. I've seen every episode of Are You Being Served? (including the movie, the very bad, completely awful movie).
50. I read, a lot. And I read really fast.
51. I've read about half of the James Bond novels (the ones Ian Fleming wrote anyway), they're really bad but I love them anyway.
52. I have an affinity for 50s kitsch and esthetic.
53. I love Columbo and Quincy M.E. enough that I bought them on DVD.
54. I dislike children.
55. I'm a gemini. That is my reason for being insane.
56. I have a terrible temper.
57. I hold grudges.
58. I'm fairly certain I have ADD.
59. I only ever drink bottled water (like from a water cooler), I blame that on the shitty tap water in Regina.
60. I'm a total sucker for animals.
61. My biggest goal in life is to have the money to afford my own horse.
62. I never watch the news and I can't remember the last time I read a paper.
63. Black really is my favourite colour.
64. I have a septum piercing.
65. I have plans for several tattoos. I have one so far. (In hebrew it says "this too shall pass" around my right middle finger)
66. I was born in the year of the rat.
67. I own enough cookbooks that I had to build a special shelf just for them.
68. I love to bake.
69. I own three sewing machines.
70. I can use most power tool competently.
71. The sound of the vacuum will drive me out of the house.
72. I have excellent hearing.
73. I shower, baths gross me out.
74. When I die I would like to be cremated on a funeral pyre. Seriously old school.
75. I'm most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt.
76. I've won two public speaking competitions.
77. I've only voted twice in my life. Both times because I was guilted in to it.
78. I've been told many times that I am intimidating. I think that's hilarious.
79. I love penut butter and pickle sandwiches.
80. I love pickled herring, sauerkraut and smoked eel. I blame this on my german side.
81. I could eat sushi every day and be happy.
82. I love every kind of ethnic food I've tried so far.
83. I am a horrible food snob.
84. I like to debate but I was never on the debate club at school.
85. I was in the chess club.
86. I'm a Mac owner and I don't care what you say, my Mac could kick your PCs ass any day.
87. My taste in music is eclectic.
88. I own a record player and many records. (highlights of my collection - The Beatles White Album and An Evening With Groucho)
89. Excluding weddings and funerals I've only been to church 5 times in my life. All five times sucked.
90. I'm not religious but I am very spiritual.
91. Penn Jillette is one of my all time favourite people.
92. I watch way too many cartoons.
93. I can pick out my favourite voice actors. (Yeah, I have favourite voice actors.)
94. I'm not a morning person and so help you god if you wake me up.
95. I never nap.
96. I can't sleep on my back. I don't know why.
97. I draw, paint, air brush and sculpt but I don't carve.
98. I am really picky about pens. I don't know why. Some just bother me a lot.
99. Gambling has never made sense to me, although I do buy a lotto ticket every once and a while.
100. I am completely neurotic.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

To All The People Who Contributed To My Day

I want to say thank you. Thank you for firmly cementing the belief that you are all a bunch of irretrievable idiots and assholes. From the guy who ran out in to traffic (because despite all the snow and ice I should be able to stop on a dime for his stupid ass) and the guy who saw me coming, crossed against the lights and took his fucking time to the fuckwad who parked a whole six inches from my driver door and the shit for brains who let the elevator doors close in my face.
I'm not even going to toy with the idea of letting the snow be an excuse for some of the fuck-wittery I have watched in the last few days. I'm just going to assume that everyone has lost their goddamned minds and that common courtesy is dead.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Personal Update: The Last Three Days

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. *Painkillers* Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. *Painkillers* Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. *Yawn* Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. *Painkiller induced sleep* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *Wake up* Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. *Painkillers* Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. *Painkillers* Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Etc.

By the way, too many painkillers make you feel very odd. Not a good kind of odd either. Just a heads up.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Dear Bitch,

How's it going? Good? That's nice. Me? Oh, I could be better. You see I was standing behind your friend in line at the coffee shop earlier. As were a lot of other people. That's right, that group of people stretching from the counter to the door, it was a line.
That's typically how this kind of situation works. People come in and wait to be served in the order they arrived. You start at the back of the line and work your way to the front. Just like everyone else.
Do you see the step you skipped? The waiting part? You know, like when you came in, brushed passed everyone else in line and headed right for the spot near the front, with your friend. And I'd love to believe that you are completely ignorant of this process, but your friend was as fidgety as a speed freak which is a pretty good indication that she knew what she was doing. Innocent people don't get like that. (That and she didn't order anything, you did. Which was really cute by the way.)
You're tall and thin and blond and pretty, I know. You're used to getting what you want and judging from you attire, paying too much for it. But somehow that still doesn't make you any more important than me or anyone else.
The next time you pull that kind of inconsiderate, school yard bullshit I'm going to snap you in half like a twig. Okay?
Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Always nice chatting with you.
-Gwen

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

From Me To You 21

- Christmas, in case you've forgotten, falls around the end of December. Setting up your tree before mid-December and taking down later than January makes you an asshole. Especially if you're one of those idiots who's putting up their christmas lights before Halloween and taking them down in May.

- I shouldn't be forced to listen to Christmas carols in every god damned store I go into from Nov. 15th until Jan. 15th. It's annoying the shit out of me, I know it's annoying the shit out of other people and I have to wonder how the employees make it though without killing any one.

- Not everyone celebrates Christmas. I just thought I'd point that out as people seem to have forgotten that not everyone in the whole fucking world is Christian.

- If you take the time to sit down and write a form letter about how wonderful and perfect your family is, how much money you make and how great your life is, then send it off to relatives you haven't seen in years - chances are they think you're a douche bag. They have probably also come up with a scornful title for you letters. And I can almost guarantee that they make fun of you, your offspring, your life and your stupid letter mercilessly.

- No one thinks your spawn is cute. We all just want you to shut that screaming shit machine up. Don't go getting all high and mighty with me either. Everyone around you has rights too and that thing is a fucking noise violation.

- Maybe if you spent more time working on disciplining your kids and less time telling them that they special and perfect and everyone will love them just for being themselves, they wouldn't be such a bunch of ill-mannered, demanding, spoiled, assholes.

- The 100 mile diet works real well in places that produce a wide variety of foods, year round. In some places, everything is frozen solid for more than half the year, never produce any real amount of fruit and are no where near a lot of the foods people need to maintain anything resembling a balanced diet.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Were You High When You Came Up With This?

What do a parrot, a flashlight and an FM radio have in common?
If you said "nothing" you'd be closer than these assholes. They seem to have gotten a wire crossed and ended up with this unholy thing.

I actually had a chance to see one in person when it turned up in the lost and found at work. I was so perplexed that I had to find out who was selling it.
In case you can't tell from the picture or the description, it's a toy parrot. The toy parrot has a belt clip for a tail. It also has a button on its back that opens its mouth and turns on the light in there. Then on the side it has a radio, with headphone jacks. (Just like real parrots, right?) Am I the only one who's confused by this?
Really, a flashlight/radio seems a little much to me, but to put in inside a toy parrot and give it a belt clip? Why? It leaves so many questions unanswered. And then to have it demonstrated in the picture by someone at least in their teens is even more confusing. Are fifteen year olds really in to parrot flashlight radios? Are they all giving up their adolescent drug addictions and cell phones for these things?
I don't know if I'll ever get the answers to my questions but I am fairly sure this is a sign that the end is near.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

This Fabs For You

Here's some Jonathan Coulton, just because I haven't babbled on about him for a while. And you should all bow down before his genius.



Just Like Every Year

Okay guys, I want everyone to listen to me carefully. The white stuff on the ground outside, it's snow. Now wait, hold on, don't panic. It's just snow. This happens every year. I know, it's kind of cold out and the snow and ice are slippery but it's going to be okay. You don't have to go to defcon 4. Really.
I also know that many of you drive, which is what I really want to talk to you about. The snow is not, has not been and will never be an excuse for driving like a bunch of lobotomized chimps. I can't imagine why (especially when you're driving a giant gas hog, wide assed, extendacab 4x4 truck) driving 20 kph down one of the busiest streets in the city would seem like a good idea. It's Novemeber, what the hell are you going to do com February when we're up to our asses in snow and there are very few surfaces not covered in black ice?
And just for the record, driving like it's July does not make it July. Okay? I realize that the geriatrics and the morons are aggrivating. I know you have places to be. But driving like an asshole isn't fixing the problem. Could you at least pretend like you understand what "slippery" means?
All I ask is that people try and drive like they actually know what they're doing. It's really not that hard. Is it?

Friday, November 16, 2007

No, We Don't Carry That In-Store

Now that I've exposed myself as being no better than Hitler, I might as well forge on ahead by revealing myself as a giant nerd. I read graphic novels. Not just comics but graphic novels. Especially Hellboy. And to buy and Hellboy or B.P.R.D from Chapters I have to order them in.
Why? Because they never have the fucking things in store.
So I have to order them from Chapters Indigo Kiosk whateverthefuckit'scalled. And I always do this from in the store. Because I normally put in my order while I paying for other things. That way I'm not doing anything that if the order gets fucked up could be blamed on me. I have one of the staff do it.
The single most important thing I have learned about this process in the last couple of months is, this system either works surprisingly well or it will become a like pulling fucking teeth.
A few of the books I've ordered have come in in a matter of days, the record being three days. From order place to having the book in my hands. Which I thought was pretty damned awesome. And then it all kind of fell apart. I placed an order for one book, got the standard speach about how it would be delivered to the store in a week or two. They'd call when it got there.
I wait. A week. Two weeks. I get an email. My order has been cancelled, would I like to replace the order? Well since it's a brand new book, there is no way it's out of print yet, I paid for it, I still want the damned thing, yes I want to replace the order. So I jump through the hoops. And I wait. Another week. Two weeks.
I call the store. No, they don't have my book. I'll have to wait more. And wait I do. Another week. I call again. They give me their toll free number to call. And after waiting ten minutes on hold I get to talk to a real live person.
"It looks like your order was cancelled." He says.
"I know it was cancelled. That's why I placed the order again."
"Yes, I see that. But it was cancelled again."
"And why would that be?"
"The order was placed at a warehouse that doesn't keep that book in stock. So they can't ship it out to you."
"And was anyone going to let me know about all this?"
Dead air.
"I mean, I paid for the book and no one actually told me that it's not coming. I even called the store and they didn't tell me that. So I've paid for something that I'm not going to get. Don't you think I'd probably want my money back or something? Has my account been credited for the amount I paid or anything like that?"
"Well you would have to go in to the store to have your account credited."
"But no one called or emailed to let me know that I needed to do that. They didn't even let me know the damned book wasn't coming. I kept getting people telling it was coming as a matter of fact. So how exactly was I supposed to know that I'd have to go in to the store to get my money back?"
"Um... I don't know."
Ah, he doesn't know. No shit! I can hear him clacking away at his keyboard.
"Actually, the book is available from another warehouse."
"What?"
"Another warehouse has that book in stock. Did you want me to order it from there?"
What do you think? "Yes, yes I do."
"Okay, it should be there in a few days."
"Just to clarify, you're telling me your warehouses don't communicate? If an order can't be filled at one it doesn't just move on over to the other? And if it can't be filled and they know that they still send out emails asking if you want to replace your order? And they only send out one of those? And then they just leave you hanging? And no one lets the customer know that their item isn't coming, ever and they need to go to the store to get their money back? So maybe they'll just forget about it and you get to keep the thirty odd dollars it costs for a book? I don't get it."
There's a long pause. "I'm sorry you've had so much trouble with this order."
"Yeah, me too."
"Thank you for calling Chapters." blah, blah, blah.
My book was at the store in four days. I waited over a month for something that should have taken four days. And just to top it all off, when I was asking about this kind of shit at the store the girl helping me told me what I've come to understand completely. "The system kind of sucks. It works really well or stuff like this happens. It's kind of frustrating."
Really? I hadn't noticed.
"And they've never tried to fix this problem?"
She just laughed and shook her head.

Hitler-esque

I knew it had to happen some day, I just wasn't expecting that day to get here so quickly. I've finally been compared to Hitler.
I know what you're thinking, did I go oppressing an entire people again? Was I staging book burnings? Or giant rallies where everyone hails me and all of my soldiers do that goose stepping thing? And I have to answer you no. As much fun as some of that sounds. I just haven't had that kind of time lately.
No, friends, it was because I eat fish.
I was discussing food with Jarred, the other person running the theatre, (between the two of us I amazed we haven't burned to building down yet) and my not eating meat came up. I mentioned that I eat fish and Jarred laughed.
"You can't call yourself a vegetarian if you eat fish."
I explain there are a lot of kinds of vegetarians, including those who still eat chicken. They only cut the red meat (which we took a few minutes to make fun of). But around here it's just so much easier to say "vegetarian" than to try and explain all this to some of the meat lovin', commie hatin', rednecks who populate our fair province. They barely understand that, I think trying to reason with them any more than that would cause wide spread panic and rioting.
"So why don't you eat meat?" He asks.
"I don't feel good about it." It's the simplest answer. "I like to feel good about what I'm eating. Meat doesn't make me feel good. So I don't eat it."
"But you eat fish?"
"Yeah."
"So you don't feel bad about eating fish?"
"Not really."
He laughs. "So, like Hitler with the Jews? He didn't feel bad about killing them either."
How can I argue with logic like that?
"Yes, Jarred. I'm like Hitler. I'm the Hitler of fish." (At this point I take great pride in my restrain to make a comment about ovens.)
So yes, I am the Hitler of fish. Are you all happy now?
*sigh* I'm going to eat some tuna now.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I Swear They're Trying To Kill Me

Can someone please tell me why the fuck we suddenly have this huge crop of movies that are remakes of old films? Or is it just me? Am I the only one noticing this? In the last couple of months I haven't had a single movie related conversation that didn't include someone saying "Oh, did you hear they're remaking (insert movie that should never ever be remade)?"
Has Hollywood finally become completely devoid of any original thought or creativity? Are they that hard up for new stories? Have they completely tapped out of the usual mindless bullshit they normally pump out? What the fuck?
For long while already they've been draining the comic world and turning characters and stories we've all known and loved for years into barely recognisable, watered down, Hollywoodized garbage. Trying to re-do things that were done right the first fucking time. Trying to attract even more people to the movies they already had an audience for and just pissing everyone off. Fucking it up badly enough that no reader, from the casual to the hardcore fan boys, is willing to overlook it and still not making it a story that any of the non-fans are interested in anyway.
Then they started going after tv nostalgia. Shows that ran for years that again, everyone knows and fucking that up too. Trying to update and revamp things that everyone still remembers fondly. I mean for fuck sakes, just look at Bewitched: the movie! What the fuck were they thinking!? Michael fucking Caine couldn't even save that movie from being unwatchable. And between the trailers for Underdog and Alvin and the Chipmunks it's almost more than I can take.
For some reason Hollywood, with very few exceptions, manages to completely fuck up everything it tries to re-do. So I hope you'll understand my agitation when I hear that they're diving head first into the remakes. And I really don't get it, this need to "remake" anything. If it was done right the first time you're never going to be able to surpass that glory, you're not going to make it better and you're not going to relive that magic. You're going to take something great and rape it up the ass while we all watch in disgust. And if it wasn't done right the first time you don't get a fucking "do-over"!
Did Planet of the Apes teach them nothing?


One more thing, if anyone connected with the Deathrace 2000 remake is reading this, could you do me a favour and go fuck yourselves? Thanks.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

In Theory

Being sick enough for all of your co-worker to notice (and avoid you and your disgusting germs) and having a boss who is awesome enough to notice, pity you and send you home to sleep it off sounds cool. In reality, it is lame, all kinds of lame. Because, while having a sympathetic boss (who doesn't want your disgusting germs) is really wicked awesome, you're still sick enough to be sent home from work.
At least I made up for completely forgetting work on Tuesday (stupid call-in) and impressed the hell out of my boss by "dragging my sorry ass in to work" (her words, not mine). I just figured my alarm had gone off, I was awake, I might as well go.
Also, getting a nose bleed while you have a cold/flu sucks more than I can say. I seriously think I'm falling apart. To bad my warranty ran out. Those replacement parts cost a fortune.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Best Excuse

For wearing a hideous sweater anyway.
"It covers all the important areas. My Head and my pits. I won't get hypothermia."
-Holly

Stupid Germs

I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that being sick as an adult sucks balls.
When you're little everyone is there to take care of you, make you food, bring you medicine, make sure you have enough pillows and blankets. All those great things that made sick days from school not so bad.
As an adult no one is there to make me food or bring me drugs or even call to make sure I'm okay. I haven't had even one person offer to bring me a blanket or a pillow in years. And staying home means calling in sick to work and losing money.
What kind of shitty deal is that?

Monday, November 05, 2007

Blondies


If you don't know who Debbie Harry is you are a bad person.

In Case You Forgot

Though I'm sure you didn't. Right?



Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up King and Parliament.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Here Comes DR TRAN!

This is by far one of my favourite animated shorts. It also happens to be one of those clips that I seem to forget about for ages and then end up rediscovering and laughing my ass off. Which is exactly what I did only a few hours ago.
Anyway, enjoy.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Deadly Sin Or Just The Sin Of Tasting Like Shit?

It's not often that I'm one for product endorsement, especially since I'm not a celebrity and no one is paying me millions to say their stuff doesn't suck. But if something is really, really awesome I like to spread the word. More people buy something, the more likely it is that I'll be able to find it easily and won't have to worry about them pulling the product or the company going under. So it's win-win really.
That being said... awhile ago I discovered Oral Fixation Mints. The box caught my attention first (I'm such a design whore. If something looks cool I'm about 90% more likely to buy it.) and the flavours seemed interesting. So I bought a couple of different kinds. (I'm also a terrible impulse shopper. If they kept everything in neato packaging right next the the cashier I would be broke and homeless in a matter of days.) I got the Mojito Mint, the Antioximints (green tea flavoured) and the 7 Deadly Cinnamon.
The Mojito mints were really tasty, just nicely lime flavoured and not painfully strong. The Antioximints were a serious winner. One of the best tasting mints I've had in a long time. And then... then I got to the cinnamon.
Honestly, of all the flavours I could have chosen from I don't know why I picked them up. I've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship with "cinnamon flavoured" anything. I take exception to the fact that "cinnamon flavour" tastes nothing like cinnamon. And I'd really like to know what chimp of a taste tester ever thought that what ever the hell that taste is is even remotely close to cinnamon.
But I digress. The 7 Deadly Cinnamon mints are in a whole league of their own when it comes to all things cinnamon flavoured.
At this point you may mistakenly think I'm about to say something good about them. You are very, very wrong.
These are absolutely the worst mints/candies, cinnamon flavoured or not, that I have ever had ever. Sweet titty fucking Christ, I still can't even wrap my mind around the horror held within such a tiny candy.
Honestly, I would take any "cinnamon flavouring" over whatever the hell these things are. They don't even taste like the usual chemical spiciness that I had expected. Although I did know that taste. I knew it the moment that piece of evil touched my tongue.
Stomach acid.
I'm sure everyone has, at one time or another, tasted it at the back of their throat. That horrible acid burn accompanied by that bitter nasty taste. Left over after puking, creeping up with some nasty heartburn, you know what I mean. That taste. The candies taste like that.
And then subtly, just beneath that god awful taste there is a hint of chemical spiciness faux-cinnamon.
Great. They've manages to mix two of the worlds worst tastes into one disgusting piece of nastiness. Like puking after eating a handful of cinnamon hearts.
So I'm begging Oral Fixation, please for all our sakes, could you do something about this? All your other mints are so darn good. But these taste like they were shat forth from the very bowels of hell. Could you at very least make them just taste like every other faux-cinnamon product?
Thanks! I'd really appreciate that.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloweener

Yay! It's my favourite day! Halloween! And just to prove that it's my favouritest day I was up and out of the house by 10.30am (which on my day off is a serious effort) so I could get to my mom's house and start on my pumpkins. That's right, I work on them at my mom's house. Mostly because it means there is a giant pumpkin mess at her house and not at mine. Also my cats remain pumpkin innards free. And these are good things.
The trouble is, every year I end up doing some crazy pumpkin and then the next year I feel like I have to top it. It's silly, but I've been making myself crazy every year doing this. Last year I did two pumpkins. Both were cool and I was happy with them. So, of course, this year I had to do three pumpkins.
Why?
I have no fucking idea.
So in no particular order, here they are.

First up is Groucho.


This is one of the monsters from Where The Wild Things Are (my mom wanted one to take to her school with her so I needed to do a kid themed one, otherwise this would have been Johnny Cash. I guess Johnny will just have to wait until next year.)


And finally there's Hawkeye. (I know this makes me a giant dork, but M*A*S*H* has been my favourite show forever.)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Best Sentence Of The Day 10/30

"Who mastered the art of invisible block technology? Because I need some."
- This Guy.

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Taste Of Victory

If you guys haven't been to The Sneeze lately you should at very least check out Steve's latest post on the world's most delicious painkiller. Seriously. Go now. I'll wait here.

Fabulous Zombies


I don't know when I became such a Fab whore. And I can't even say it was because of the halloween costume because I only saw those pictures yesterday.

sfsqreswfgh

No, I'm not just starting to type jibberish. And no, I'm not starting to title my posts in Klingon. I am however getting really gaddamned sick and tired of the spam fliter word thingy.
Once and a while I get something reasonable, which would be four letters max. But most of the time I get some rediculous bullshit that's half an alphabet long.
I think the only thing that pisses me off more than that shit is when it's blurry or distorted or some stupid shit. It's not a fucking magic eye picture, it's an anti-spam word. Some of them are almost completely unreadable so you get the chance to try again and again and again.
"Why not just turn it off?" I hear you say.
Because I turned it on in the first place because I was sick of having my comments section filling up with spam.
The only real solution I can see is killing all the spammers. It's not like they're actually human anyway. They're somewhere between used car salesmen, lawyers and paparazzi.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Best Sentence Of The Day

"no bampfing out of my butt."
-Ted
(in regards to Nightcrawler)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I'm Considering Smacking Some Sense Into You

Grow a fucking sense of humor already! What the fuck happen to you to turn you in to such a humorless, uptight, nazi bitch anyway? Parents didn't buy you that pony when you were eight? Mad because you couldn't really grow up to be Barbie? Unhappy with your sex life? What? What is it!?
Because from where I'm standing you've got very little reason to be bitching and absolutely no reason to be bitching on other people's behalf. People who do that kind of shit should be locked in cages and kept away from the rest of society. Because reasonable, rational people don't need to walk around looking for things to be offended about or people to be offended for. Believe me, we have too many fucking people being offended on their own already.
You know why people make jokes about themselves, because they're strong enough to take the criticism, because they're okay with their faults and because it's fucking funny. You're inability to see that is just making it so very clear that you're not okay with who you are and any amount of criticism would bring your whole world crashing down around your feet.
So you've turned into this easily offended, constipated freak who wouldn't know what was funny if it hit you in the face with a cream pie. And even if you did you haven't had practice enough to actually laugh. Your face might crack.
You're one of those sad little people who was tragically born without a personality or a sense of humor. You're one of those boring ass, soul-dead people who thinks that white is a colour, salt is a spice and that going to bed without brushing your teeth is being rebellious. You're one of those goddamned people who thinks that censorship is a good thing, that rules will set us free and that laughter is a sin.
Well you know what, fuck you. You want to be offended? Fine. Fuck you. How about that? Just fuck off and die already. Jerry Falwell did it. Why can't you?
Oh and by the way, I've seen your taste in movies. They all suck. None of them are funny in the least. They're films made for idiots, for people who don't understand things like satire and intellectual humor.
Also, how exactly are the Aflac commercials hilarious? Just saying something like that makes you a fucking asshat. Kindly stop wasting so much space and using my oxygen.

Health Update

My arm still hurts.
Seriously, this shit is getting old. It's been over a week. If this shit hasn't worked itself out by Monday I'm going back to the damned doctor.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Facebook Zombies

While Crackbook does turn people into zombies, this post has nothing to do with that.
A while ago I drew some zombies for Jay on his graffiti wall. I liked them. So I drew some more for Steve-o. And then more for Coleslaw. And then I kind of decided to start drawing them and posting them in a really crappy comic kind of way. Heavy on the crappy. So if I'm motivated enough maybe I'll post one every once and a while.
If you're looking for an explaination as to the Zombie theme, I haven't really got one. I just think Zombies are funny.
Don't believe me? Have a listen.
Anyway, here's the crap I drew already.







And finally, what kind of person would I be if I didn't make the world's oldest and lamest joke? Huh? A bad person, that's what kind.

Reasons I'll Never Make It Big In Hollywood

I know you have an ego, everyone does. I do too. I'm just not the kind of person who's going to bow before your ego. Especially not at detriment to myself.
I don't care if you directed a movie, I don't care if you're rich and famous, I don't care if you're the goddamned queen of England. You're really not any more or less important than anyone else. You've just got yourself a fancy title. And it doesn't make a lick of difference to me. I still expect you to act with the same regard for people's time as everyone else.
You want to stand around and chat with your buddies? Great! You do just that. May I suggest you try somewhere that isn't closing up for the night for you to have your chitchat?
Maybe you weren't sure that we were closing up for the night? Is that it? Was the turning off of lights and the staff standing, with their coats on and bags in hand too subtle?
Learn to take a fucking hint already.

From Me To You 20

- For the love of God and all things holy, if you're going to turn into traffic at the last possible goddamned second, could you at least step on it!? I shouldn't have to hit my brakes rather than your rear end because you decided to take your fucking time with that turn.

- As funny as it may look when someone falls, laughing when someone is actually hurt makes you an asshole. A realy big asshole.

- When I say no to something once chances are I mean no. Asking me a second time, a third time, a fiftieth time isn't going to change my answer. I said no, damnit.

- If you insist on bringing your screaming, snot-nosed little shit machines out in public could you at least pretend to be a parent for five seconds? That little bastard is actually scaling the shelving unit. Maybe you could do something about that. Hmm?

- If you're going to prove to the world that we should instate sterilization programs with your novel approach to parenting, do you think you could spare us all your bitching when your spawn hurt themselves doing something stupid? As much as you'd like to believe otherwise, it's not my fault that you were to busy trying to sound out the big words on the back of Big Momma's House 2 to notice that it was playing on the escalator.

- If your geriatric feebleness is keeping you from pressing down on your accellerator enough to reach the speed limit, may I suggest you take a cab. The same applies if you've shrunk below the steering wheel or cannot see where the lines on the road are.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Heads Up, Bitches!

I've added a few more links to the link list. They're all good. Really. And they'll stay that way until I say so. Understood?
Now click the links, bitches! CLICK I SAY!
(This may or may not be a transparent attempt to win the favour of the likes of Mr. Fab and Natalie Dee...)

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Baroque*

It's an old joke, but I'm too lazy to come up with something better.
Monday night in what can only be described as an act of complete grace and beauty, I fell on my face. Well not technically my face, I caught myself with my arm. So I guess I fell on my arm.
Where did I fall, I hear you all asking.
On the floor.
I decided that actually using the steps is for suckers and just skipped the step down. And in all honesty, the fall wasn't so bad. The hitting the ground sucked ass, but the falling I didn't mind. I don't remember much of the fall though. One second I was standing and the next the floor was awfully close to me. Strange how these things happen.
And as a complimentary gift to go with my trip I got a lovely stay at the doctor's office where they kept me at no charge for 3 fun filled hours, a complete set of x-rays and a super nifty sling!
I just don't know what to say! I'm so over-whelmed. And in pain.





*And it's not technically "broke" it's a sprain and I jarred the hell out of my shoulder and elbow. Whoo!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Classy? Oh I'll Give You Classy!

A co-worker passed on this lovely story tonight and I thought I'd share with you.
Apparently when he was walking home late last night he could hear some grunting coming from behind the Mason's building. He looked just in time to witness a girl bent over one of the parking baracades taking it from behind.
Now this is pretty classy. But what makes it super classy?
When she turns back to the guy giving it to her and says "Hurry the fuck up! It's raining!"

How To Get Sent Home Early And Other Crappy Sunday Tips

I had every intention of spending all day in my Pjs and then going to work tonight after a long day of being lazy. But my phone rang at around 11am, my mom needed a ride to do some errands. So off I went. My Lazy day died before it could even really get started.
At around 3pm I got back home, proud of myself that I made it through an entire shopping trip with my mother without getting into a screaming match. Low and behold, I have a message. It starts out "Hi, this is the library calling..."
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I was supposed to work a call in shift at 1pm.
I forgot.
Shit.
I'm an idiot.
I call them, apologise, offer to come in for a few hours. They say don't worry. It's not a problem. I still feel like an asshat.
After I hang up I check my email, eat some food and get ready for work. On my way I stop and say goodbye to a friend who was in town for the weekend. My parents are making a big family dinner for her. I get to miss it because I have to work. The fun never stops around here.
At work all goes well. I get all my shit together in record time. I fill out any paperwork that needs doing. I get the poster change organized. I get myself a drink. And I'm ready to go when the clock strikes 6. People start trickling in by 6.30pm and by 7 there's 59 people in the theatre and Jared is starting the film.
Time to read.
7.30 I run my shift report. Fill out the paperwork. Sigh. Back to my book. (Goldfinger, if you're interested.)
8.30 and I smell something. It may not sound like much, but I have virtually no sense of smell. So If I can smell it, it's bad. It also smells like burning. Which is bad. Very bad.
I go to the booth and as Jared is waiting for the change over I just ask if he can come down from the booth when he's done. By the time I get back to my desk, a few people have come out of the theatre. They smell the burning too.
This is bad.
Jared comes down and decided to investigate. By the time he comes back I can see the fire engine lights outside. We have to get everyone out. I knew things were going too smoothly.
The dumpster outside is on fire. It's just a precaution, but everyone has to leave. The fire fighters come in a check everything and advise us to wait at least 30 minutes before we let people back in to the theatre. After some phone calls and a lot of discussion we decide to shut down for the night.
Great. I love having to refund 59 tickets to inconvenienced people. Luckily Jared finds 20 gift passes, but that's still 39 people who I have to refund in cash.
After they all leave, in between telling anyone coming for the second show that it's been cancelled, I change out the posters and go enter the stats. Jared gets the fun job of rewinding all the film and getting it ready to ship. As we chat Jared realizes that had he panicked and pulled the alarm, the fire exit everyone is supposed to use opens up into the alley, right where the dumpster is. The dumpster that was on fire. Perfect.
We're out the door by 9.45 and on my way home I catch a glimpse of the dumpster. It's (excuse the pun) trashed. The outside is bowed and blistered. I also see what the fire fighters were talking about. Whoever set it on fire was clever enough to push it right up to the Library van, hoping that it would go up too.
Aren't humans just grand?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Good Idea Bad Idea

Good Idea - Making hashbrowns and eggs.
Bad Idea - Not looking at the spices before you dump them on your hashbrowns.

I got home late last night after work and as it had been a really long day I was hungry. So I decided to use up a couple of the baby potatoes I bought last week and make hashbrowns and eggs. I cut up the potatoes and boil them, then dump them in to the pan. They get some pepper, some garlic, a little dill and some cayenne.
But wait. Why is the cayenne a funny colour?
Because it's cinnamon.
Last week I made gingerbread cookies and somehow, when I put the spices back in the spice rack, the cayenne got pushed to the back and the cinnamon got put in its place.
Damn it all to hell.
By that time it was 1am and I was fucking starving so I decided to just say "screw it", just add the cayenne and move on. I don't know if it was necessarily a bad idea, but it certainly wasn't something I'd do again on purpose. And it was made even weirder by the strong cinnamon smell coming from the hasbrowns.
I did eat them. I was too hungry and too lazy to make more or just toss them. They weren't terrible. They weren't good either. I think that if I was still eating cheese wiz they might have been okay (cinnamon bagel and cheese wiz = awesome), but the ketchup just didn't cut it. Neither did the toast and cream cheese (though cream cheese, as it always does in my opinion, made it better).
So lesson learned. Always be careful to follow your own filing system if you have one and always look at the label on the spice jars before you dump them on your food.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Who Likes Cupcake? We Like Cupcake!


Tonight, if you missed it, was the Band of Brothers benifit show and it kicked ass. This was in no small way due to the ass kickery of Cupcake! If you haven't seen them play, you haven't really lived. If you haven't got one of their CDs, your life is meaningless. And if you missed Funshine's pompadour of awesomeness, your life will never be complete.
Like their stickers say: Guys who look cool doing stuff that is awesome.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Motivational? You Bet!


While surfing through these fantastic tubes I came across The Motivator! This loverly site allows you to make your very own annoying motivational-office-type-wall-garbage. Hooray!
Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Well, It Was Only A Matter Of Time

The good folks at Eternal Image have come out with a line of Urns and Caskets that are either the nerdiest or the most awesome line of Urns and Caskets ever conceived of by man. Either way, I give you - THE STAR TREK LINE!



Sunday, October 07, 2007

I'm Still Voting "Data"

Jay (of The Incredibly Lame Blog) and wife have done the unthinkable and decided to spawn. As much as I'm not a kid person, I do love naming things. And presumably their bouncing baby thing will eventually need a title by which to be called or at very least be listed by in police records.
Now I know that they're having trouble agreeing on a name. So I've decided to be as helpful as I possibly can and start The Baby Name List Of Awesomeness 2007/2008! (I'll try and add to this as often as I can over the next couple of months.)
You don't have to thank me Jay, this is just my gift to you, wifey and your offspring.
And without further ado I give you my name suggestions! (List aside, my vote will always be firmly "Data".)

- Jean-Luc
- Kermit
- Rolf
- William
- James Tiberius
- Beaker
- Floyd Pepper
- Janice
- Stephen Colbert Jr.
- Bones
- DeForest
- Montgomery
- Uhura
- Chekov
- Sulu
- Khan
- Gilligan
- Majel
- Algernon
- Oscar
- Cecily
- Gwendolen
- Hannibal
- Julius


(If you're planning on having two children, I definitely suggest naming the Ash and Trey.)

I Still Don't Know What "Nog" Is

I hate eggnog. I don't just dislike it, I hate it. My hate for eggnog burns with the heat of a thousand suns. And despite this, every year starting around this time until well after New Years I am hounded by every eggnog loving freak on the planet to just have a glass. Like somehow they think I've never tried it, I've never tried the right kind, I was mistaken about it's taste, that this one glass of eggnog will change my opinion of eggnog forever.
Believe me, it won't. It will only further cement the idea that "nog" is old english for "vomit".
Today G tried to talk me in to trying his own concoction of evil - eggnog and coke. Mixed. Together. In a glass. And one is meant to drink said mix. I declined, numerous times. Some of my other relatives were not so bright, however, and actually tried it.
The best response of them all came from Jay who said "I don't know what that tastes like but it's not something that tastes good."

Thursday, October 04, 2007

I Hope Zombie Elvis Guts You Like A Fish

Short of the handful of truely awesome adverts that win awards at places like Cannes and the London International Advertising awards, most range from bad to completely horrific. A poorly desgined ad, a low budget ad, a cheesy ad, most of these I can understand. But there are some products that I honestly could live the rest of my life without ever seeing advertised again and I would be happy.
Most defecation related commercials, for instance. Toilet paper, diapers and most especially *shudder* adult diapers. Without exception, they all send me scrambling for the remote. You can use all the "mysterious blue liquid" you like to show a diaper's absorbency, we all know you're talking about piss. And I can't put into words how gross it is, listening to some old broad talk about how much more free she feels.
Every advert having to do with maxi pads, tampons, etc. They're all vomit enducing. And for the love of all things decent and good, could you please stop trying to make being on your rag look like something happy and cute!? Seriously, "have a happy period"? Which man came up with that one. Because I cannot believe that any woman would come up with that load of shit. And the whole tampon campain when that woman plugs a leak in a canoe with her fucking TAMPON? Who was the genius who came up with that gem? Why didn't you just show a woman saving a village from a tsunami with her goddamned Always?
But the top of my list is Viagra. Every single one of their ads is wrong and awful in every way, shape and form. There isn't a single situation I can think of that would make middle aged weirdos talking about being able to get it up acceptable. I don't want to see some creepy bitch singing in the streets about how she was up all night boinking her potbellied retiree. I don't want to see or hear grey haird golf buddies talk some kind of creepy old man gibberish about how viagra brought life back to their wrinkley old man bits. And I sure as shit don't want a group of aging wanna-be rockers sitting around in some cruddy old building killing a perfectly good Elvis song so they can sing about their little blue pill.
Has anyone else seen this? "Viva Viagra"? They can't be serious. If I didn't know better I'd think it was a SNL gag commercial. I was expecting to hear the audience laughing at the end. But no. They're actually sitting around with their buddies singing about how none of them can get it up. Then they all race off, presumably because the pills are kicking in and we all know that sitting around with a group of men who have hard-ons would be just a little awkward. I can't imagine how it would be more awkward that boisterously singing about how you've got permanent limp dick without chemical help, but apparently these guys can.
When Bob Dole first started talking about Viagra, way back in the day when this shit was still a joke - that was wrong. But I think deep down we all sighed because, hey, it couldn't get any worse... right? Yeah well, apparently it wasn't going to get any better either.
*sigh* I think I've just got to start buying more shit on DVD and skipping TV all together.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Too Much

For reasons ranging from lack of money to lack of time to lack of interest I haven't cut my hair in ages. It's probably been well over a year. It's actually gotten pretty long again (It was down past my waist for years and then I hacked it all off) and I'm starting to remember some of the draw backs to long hair. Namely, the fact that I have a lot of hair.
Washing my hair takes up most of my shower time. And today I broke yet another elastic trying to tie it back. (I've gone through hundreds, the ones that don't break just get stretched out to the point where they're useless.)
I was up late last night, so I wasn't up and in the shower at the crack of dawn. But it was only just after 11.30am when I was getting dressed for work. So you can imagine my surprise when at 10.45pm remove my elastic to find that most of my hair is still wet.
Gee I can't wait until it's -45 outside and my hair starts freezing into hair-cicles.

Blackmail

What the fuck is wrong with some people? (Yeah, I ask that a lot.) I know that some people are depressed (I count myself amongst them) and suicidal. I feel for them, really I do. But these fucking people who go through this attempted suicide bullshit over and over again, no. No I do not. It's not a cry for help any more, it's a cry for attention. It's emotional blackmail and it makes me sick.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Happy Birthday, Groucho!


117 and I still love him more than nearly everyone. I'd sell the souls of my friends to have "You Bet Your Life" on DVD. And just for today I went out and bought "An Evening With Groucho" on vinyl.
So happy birthday, Groucho. Here's hoping that wherever you are there are plenty of good cigars, the women are hot and the drinks are cold.

Before You Panic

If the streets are deserted, before you start to panic about the Zombie Apocalypse or setting extra places for the four horsemen, check the calendar. Is it Sunday?
If it is, you're fine. The world is not coming to an end.
Everyone is at Superstore. And though their manners may make them easy to mistake for Zombies (from any movie, some are the slow moaning ones that are fairly ineffectual and some are the crazy running screaming hardcore ones), don't worry your silly head. They're just assholes.
On an unrelated note, there is nothing I need badly enough to ever make me try "just running in to grab a few things" on a Sundday again. (If I run out of toilet paper, I'll hold it until Monday.)

Thursday, September 27, 2007

For My Sake, Please

If you're over 300 lbs. and you have enough body hair to warrant brushing it, could you please wear a shirt when you go out in public. And yes, driving around in your car counts as "public". Also it's nearly October, it's not even almost hot enough to be an excuse for me having to see that much of you.

Looking For A Good Time?

Then I would definitely suggest that you spray food colouring all over your kitchen counter, walls and floor and use mulitple colours. You can make a game of it. See if you can clean it all up before it stains the shit out of everything. Or see how many things you can spray just by knocking the bottle off the shelf. How about seeing how many papertowels you need to use or how many dishrags you can ruin. And if you're really up for a good time make sure you completely stain both of your hands. Because this game just isn't fun unless you tie dye your hands.
On a completely unrelated note, I'm a little pissed off right now.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Well At Least It's Not Another Mime.

1. What time did you get up this morning? The phone woke me up at 10am. It was my grandma. That is the only reason I didn't scream at her.

2. Diamonds or pearls? For what?

3. What was the last film you saw at the movies? The Simpsons Movie. Not too bad, not too great either.

4. What is your favorite TV show? I have a lot of them. But M*A*S*H* is my long time favourite.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Workday - Coffee. Day off - A couple of eggs and toast, coffee. Cereal if I'm being lazy.

6. What's your middle name? I don't have one. Though if I had been given one my mom says it would have been my greatgrandmother's name which I would be cool with now. However growing up with "Ethel" as a middle name may not have been so cool.

7. What food do you dislike? Capers. I don't just dislike them. I hate them. They make me angry I hate them so much.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Wolfmother - Woman.

9. What kind of car do you drive? 2001 Sunfire

10. Favorite sandwich? Tuna salad

11. What characteristics do you despise? Pretentiousness, manipulativeness, weakness, stupidity.

12. Favorite item of clothing? Either my Pink Floyd or my Ozzy shirt. Both of which are old as the hills and are falling apart.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would you go? England with stops in Ireland and Scotland.

14. What color is your bathroom? Blue at the moment, which will be changing soon.

15. Favorite brand of clothing? See # 11

16. Where would you retire? If money were no object, probably somewhere in the UK.

17. Most memorable birthday? Probably my last one. It didn't get too fucked up, at least not to the point where I was just out-right disgusted with everyone.

18.Favorite Sport to watch? Soccer.

19. Furthest place you are sending this? All over the damn world, bitches! Thanks to this marvelous series of tubes we call the interwebs.

20. Who do you expect to send this back to you? Everyone. Absolutely everyone.

21. Person you expect to send it back first? Sting.

22. Favorite saying? Well that's a load of shit.

23. When is your birthday? May 29th

24. Are you a morning person or a night person? Put it this way, if I were to become a vampire I doubt many people would notice a difference in the hours I keep.

25. What is your shoe size? men's 9

26. Pets? Ozzy and Dorian. Cats both. Princesses both. Complete assholes both.

27. What did you want to be when you were little? I think for a while there I wanted to be a vet or something. I dunno, but my child self would be very disappointed anyhow.

28. What are you today? Female, Caucasian, occasionally medicated, perpetually pissed off, easily angered... a little hungry?

29. What is your favorite candy? Do I have to pick just one? Damn.... um.... I dunno... a lot of them.

30. What is your favorite flower? Roses are kind of cliche, but I like them. And daisies.

31. What's the next day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Halloween. Like always, with child-like giddiness.

32. What church do you attend? Chu-urch? Wha?

33. What are you listening to right now? The White Album on vinyl. Whoo!

34. What was the last thing you ate? A felafel pita, last night.

36. Do you believe in Angels? They seem like they've got a pretty stong team this year.

37 . If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Is there a colour for "bitchy"?

38. What is your pet peeve? Noisy chewers, painfully bad parenting, stupid people, etc, etc, etc...

39. Last person you spoke to on the phone? A woman from work.

41. Favorite soft drink? Pop Shoppe Lime - Ricky, Boylan's soda - just about any flavour, Jones Soda - Green Apple

42. Favorite restaurant? Wasabi or Taco Del Mar.

43. Hair Color? It's not really one colour. It's kind of brown and dark red with some lighter highlights. It just grows out that way, so I don't have a colour code from a box I can give you or anything.

44. Siblings? One and he's.... special.

45. Favorite day of the year? Halloween.

46. What was your favorite toy as a child? My books. Seriously. I'm so lame. (I had a giant box of barbies that had been given to me and I didn't ever play with them. And dolls didn't make any sense.) Oh and Barkley, who took up an entire suitcase to bring him from Germany, who I still have and love and if you touch him I swear to fucking christ and all that is holy I will kill you where you stand.

47. Summer or winter? Fall.

48. Hugs or kisses? Rarely.

49. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

50. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Doesn't matter.

51. When was the last time you cried? ummm... I dunno. About a week ago.

52. What is under your bed? *shudder* I don't know.

53. Who is the friend you've had the longest? Anita

54. What did you do last night? Ate some food and fell asleep on the couch watching Corner Gas. Oh yeah, the party never stops at my house.

55. Favorite smell? Rain smell.

56. What are you afraid of? Moths. Disgusting evil nasty freaks.

57. What makes you laugh? Lots of things. Really. I laugh. A lot.

58. How many years at your current job? Three and change.

59. Favorite day of the week? Payday.

60. Favorite book? At the moment Darkly Dreaming Dexter, Dearly Devoted Dexter and Dexter in the Dark. And if Jeff Lidsay doesn't get a move on with more Dexter stuff, he's going to have a problem on his hands. Namely me.

*Sigh*

I spend a lot of time bitching about women. Women of all things. Women, of which I am one. But let's face it, they are (for the most part) insane, bitchy, manipulative and did I mention insane? They all seem to have this idea that everyone has ESP so they don't actually have to verbally comunicate anything but the most inane rubbish. When they do actually want to communicate something of importance they hint or imply in the most obnoxious roundabout sort of way. And heaven forbid you should just come right out and ask them what the problem is.
You'll almost never get anything beyond "Nothing" or "I'm fine" or "I'm not mad" in that tone that leaves you with no other choice then to believe that they aren't exactly being truthful. Or you might get my personal favourite. "If you don't know what you did, I'm not going to tell you." (Yes, I've gotten that from a girl before. Actually several girls. What, am I your fucking boyfriend now?)
Now let's pause for a second. "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
WHAT!? What the fuck does that even mean? If I don't know and you're not going to tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to work out what the problem is?
They're all fucking lunatics.
That being said, I don't exactly have a lot of praise for men either. Most days I'm just shocked that they manage to dress and feed themselves.
I can't even offer that they say what they mean (which is what I always hear from men "we say what we mean"... BULLSHIT!). I can't count the number of times I've asked a guy what's wrong and gotten "Nothing". Which of couse means "I'm mad at you but I'm not going to tell you why because I like when something little has to be like pulling fucking teeth."
And then to listen to them talk about what they're looking for in a girlfriend. "I just want someone low maintenance. Someone who doesn't mind if I watch the game/hang out with my friends/isn't jealous/etc." Can we just stop with this bullshit already?Or if that is actually what you want, maybe you could go for that instead of dating a girl who is so high maintenance she might as well be a poodle. And if you do like Miss Poodle Princess, could you stop fucking bitching about her?
Goddamnit! What the fuck is wrong with people!?
Can I get a fucking Bullshit-to-English Dictionary over here, please? Because trying to figure out what you assholes are talking about half the time is exhausting.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Avast Ye Scurvy Dogs!


It be one o' the best day o' the year today! And all ye bilge-sucking poxy bastards aught to know what that means! T'is Talk Like A Pirate Day!
For any of ye landlubbers who don't wish to walk the plank, I'd be learnin' these. And for any addlepate who doesn't know what I'm on about, I'd be readin' this before we keelhaul ye.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Holy Gross!

It was a fairly slow night at work tonight. It's Sunday and the late movie was kind of... well... not exciting. I think the final count was a whole ten people. And three of those were double features. So you can imagine how busy I was.
Anyway, I finished everything I had to do fairly quickly. Less people means less work. And after a few dozen pages of my book I ran to the washroom to blow my nose. (Seriously, I had to blow my nose. Don't ask me why, the library makes my nose stuff up. I think it's all the dust.) I grabbed a bit of TP and I blow my nose, no big deal. I check myself in the mirror to make sure that there's nothing in my teeth or a nose goblin stuck to my shirt or something, when I notice it. There on the floor behind me. Poking out under one of the bathroom stalls.
A puddle of blood.
It's not enough blood that I'm worried about a huge injury. But it's more that a few drops. Like I said, a puddle. Enough to gross me out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not squeamish about blood. Puddles of blood in a public washroom however do, as a general rule, gross me out.
Now being that I am at work and I will have to check the bathroom eventually I decide to see if there is a source for this blood. You know, a dismembered body part or something (which would have been kind of cool). So I open the stall to investigate.
No body parts. So where's the blood from?
For any of the guys out there who may not know, many public women's washrooms have a "rag bin" in every stall. It's a small receptacle on the wall for "feminine products" after you're done with them.
The blood puddle is directly below one such receptacle. And upon closer inspection (not too close mind you... in fact, not close at all) I also notice the "splatter" around the puddle from the dripping.
It was at this point that I left the washroom. Quickly.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

New Link

I'd just like to draw everyone's attention to the new link I posted for Body Fuel Organics. I recommend this place highly. Not only do they have lots of really great stuff (like Gano, my personal favourite) but it's also owned and opperated by a super nice lady named Lana. Seriously, this lady is quite possibly the world's nicest person.
So if you want good stuff or you want to help out a seriously awesome person, go there. Spend money. Try some Gano. Order one of their bins. Etc.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

From Me To You 20

Wow, how long has it been? Too long, my friends, too long.

- Going for acupuncture when you're ragging is a really bad idea. Just trust me on this one. Unless you really like it when things suck a whole lot.

- When you come to the library and you want to check out a book the proceedure is the same every damn time. I need to see your card before I check out your books. When you walk up to the desk knowing full well that you will need your card and still have the balls to take your time, dig through every pocket and compartment in your purse or wallet or whatever looking for the damned thing, chances are I am going to want to hurt you. Especially if there is a line of people behind you.

- There are rules no matter where you go. The people who work there don't make them up just to annoy you. They have to follow them just like everyone else. No ammount of talk, bribery, yelling, sob stories, etc. is going to change that. So stop your bitching and suck it up.

- The more you bitch the less I want to help. Understand? You treat me like a person and I might just do something to fix your problem.

- Talking on your cell while you're at the check-out is exceptionally rude. You are an asshole and now everyone knows it.

- The more you act like a dick, the bigger my shit eating grin is going to get and the more sickly sweet I'm going to get. Just because I know it's pissing you off. You think you know passive agressive? You ain't seen nothing yet.

- No one is impressed or scared by your "I've been in prison" stories. In fact we usually make fun of you when you leave.

- Maybe if you took the time to read the signs you wouldn't look like such an idiot asking such stupid questions.

- Yes, you have late fees. This is because your items were late. We tell you when they're due when you take them out. We print off a slip with the due date. We give you two renewals, that you can do over the phone or on-line. We call when they are overdue. We call again if you still don't bring them back. And you still didn't manage to bring them back until the fines got that big. So how is this my fucking fault? That's right. It's not.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

If He's Typical, I Need To Seriously Consider Any Plans To Visit Belgium

I really can't come up with anything witty to say about this. It's just one of those things you have to see.
I mean, seeing it won't make you understand it. But it will make you happy you're not a belgian funeral director.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Dear Cocksucker,

Sorry, I don't know that that is the right term. Asshole seems to weak. Motherfucker perhaps? Douche bag? I don't know. There are so many to choose from. But it doesn't matter as long as we're clear that I'm not overly impressed with you at the moment.
I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for breaking into my car in the middle of the night, you cowardly fuck. And thanks for stealing my CDs, you fucking shitbag.
That must be one hell of a sense of self-entitlement you have there. Taking what's not yours. Taking what I had to work for. I don't know what you think, that it doesn't matter, it's only a few small things. Things no one will miss. Things that are easily replaceable.
I regretfully have to inform you that you are wrong. Very wrong. As small as the things are that you took and however replaceable you think they may be, the fact is, you're wrong.
I'm broke. Beyond broke. The things I have, I had to work for. Every last one of them. Including the things you took. It's just not in the budget to replace any of them. Maybe to someone $75 isn't a lot of money, but it is to me. And I don't have it to spare.
And you know what? I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to be replacing things that you fucking stole from me because you're fucking lazy ass can't find gainful employment. Because you're too fucking stupid to get a job of your own. Because you think it's a fucking joke to take, take, take from everyone and everything around you. You worthless piece of shit.
So thanks a fucking bunch. I hope my things make you very happy and I hope you catch something red and itchy that oozes puss and burns. I hope you catch it on your face and I hope that it's untreatable.
Always,
-Gwen