Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Chuck Norris

No matter how bad my day is going, these make me laugh.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

The Evil Remote Head

This literally made me laugh until I cried.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

On A Happier Note

I read a piece about about Julie Marie Nemecek earlier today, which was good. But it got me thinking about this kid I met a while ago (especially after watching the TG youth video on their site). It the second time this week that I've thought of this kid, so I thought I'd share.
Years ago I used to face paint at kids parties and events and things (hard to believe, I know). I met literally thousands of kids over the years I was working. Only a very few stand out in my mind. But then I'd only see each kid for maybe 4 minutes, it's not a long time to make a lasting impression. (Generally, they all remember you and you have trouble even remembering what event they're talking about.) Anyway, this one kid, I will NEVER forget. I don't like kids, but this kid I loved.
He was maybe 6 or 7, just a little kid and he was at this other kid's birthday party. It was a fairly typical party, a few boys, a few girls. The girls all wanted to be butterflies and kitty cats. The boys all wanted super heroes. Then this kids sits down in front of me, he wasn't in-your-face but he wasn't timid either. I smiled at him (my very practiced, face painter's smile) and asked what he'd like to be. I waited for the inevitable "Spider-man!" or "Batman!", etc.
Instead he looked at me as calmly and with as much certainty as I've ever seen from anyone and said without hesitation "I want to be a princess."
That was the only kid at that party and countless others that got a real smile.
I've had hundreds of kids ask me to be painted exactly the same as their friends, listen to others tell them what to be and change their minds because someone laughed at what they wanted. I painted them all like they asked and I don't remember any of them beyond that.
My only question for this kid regarding his decision was what colour eyeshadow he wanted. He picked blue, which got another smile. In the end he had red lipstick, blue eye shadow, gold stars and a tiara and he was the happiest kid at the party.
"You're all done!" I said and handed him the mirror. "I think you're the best princess here."
He smiled with his whole face and gave the biggest thank-you I've gotten to date.
When he went back to the party I saw a couple boys giggle and I was getting ready to smack some kids upside the head. But this guy just brushed it off, found himself a good toy and got back to playing with the others.
If I live to be a thousand, I seriously doubt I will ever meet a cooler kid than him.

Saturday, February 24, 2007


I've removed a few links and added some new ones. Just so you know. You may resume your life.

Bill O'Reilly

Is the world's biggest douche bag.
I'm pretty sure I'd rather hug George Bush than have to stand in the same room with this ignorant asshole.
And seriously, could someone smack the stupid out of Oprah?

Friday, February 23, 2007

I'm Not Good At Staying Quiet

It's not often that I can manage to keep my mouth shut when I'm pissed off (as some of the more observant of you may have noticed), but if it means avoiding what would be a completely inappropriate fight I'll bite my tongue. However, I can't do it forever or I'd be liable to bite right through the fucking thing. I mean, really, how long am I supposed to stand there and let you carry on before I finally say something? How long do you expect people to put up with your bullshit and remain quiet?
Well I'm coming dangerously close to my breaking point. As my mother would say, you're skating on awfully thin ice. And I'm not someone who is easily intimidated.
I'm not impressed by seniority and I'm certaintly not impressed with your attitude problem. I have one of my own and it's a damn good one, if I do say so myself.
And let me just make this perfectly clear - it's not that you don't like me. (Lots of people don't like me. I don't give a shit, I'm not here for you to like.) It's that you feel the need to play fucking games with me. I don't take hints, I don't accept bullshit guilt and I DO NOT PLAY GAMES. You want to say something to me, fucking say it.
I'm sick and fucking tired of wondering which personality I'm going to have to put up with today. When you're bitchy I haven't got a clue why. When you're happy I'm wondering what you want from me.
I tried being nice. I got an icy stare and silence. I tried avoiding you. You just got bitchier when you caught up with me. I tried ignoring you. The dirty looks I got, you'd think I called your mother a whore and said Hitler was a great guy.
What the fuck do you want from me? You don't want me there but you're pissed off when I leave. My fucking cats are more clear about what they want and they don't speak. The one time you did verbalize your anger it was over something that had nothing to do with me! And then I hear that you apologized to SOMEONE ELSE for snapping at ME!
Wait! I think I just worked it out.
You're insane.
Seek help. And stay away from me until you do.

From Me To You 18

Here we go again...

- Hate me, love me, I don't care. But could you pick one and go with it? This jumping back and forth shit is getting real old, real fast. Stop acting like fucking Cybil, you're just pissing everyone off.

- I know that I get mad and yell at my cats when they misbehave. That does not, ever, make it okay for you to do so. EVER. It's kind of like yelling at someone else's kids. You just don't do it. Or trust me, you will be entering a whole new world of pain when I get my hands on you. Understood?

- If you're headed for the check-out at the drugstore at the same time as a lady holding tampons, midol and chocolate - just let her go ahead of you man. Seriously, it's not worth it.

- Don't ask for advice you don't want and then bitch about it. Fuck you, asshole. You asked, I answered. You don't like it? Too fucking bad. Do I seem like the kind of person who sugar-coats things?

- Tendonitis sucks. A lot. Trust me.

I Think Things

I'm pretty sure the song "Goodbye Horses" has been forever tainted by Silence of the Lambs (or Clerks II for those of you who just crawled out from under your rock recently). If I live to be a thousand I will never be able to hear that song and not immediately think "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard." and of course... the tuck (or "man-gina" as Eh Steve taught us many moons ago)

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Five Things You Didn't Know About Me

I found a great new foodie blog and in and amongst some excellent recipes I found this. As I'm bored and having a less than creative day I thought I'd do one of my own.

1. When I'm having a bad day or I just need to relax, I grocery shop. I've discovered the art of shopping Zen, but only at the grocery store. I think it has a lot to do with the lack of guilt. I need food so if I spend a little more than I should I can't be too upset with myself. But the delicate balance that is shopping Zen is ruined if I try and shop with someone.

2. Sometimes if I can't sleep I go for a drive. It doesn't matter where, I just like to drive around at 3 in the morning. Especially in the summer.

3. I'm terrible for picking at things. Nail polish, peeling paint, labels, anything. I don't know why. This becomes worse when I drink... I get downright destructive.

4. I'm not afraid of too much but I have a serious phobia of ticks. There's no real reason for it, but I can't deal with them. I also can't even get close enough to a moth to kill it. They freak my shit out.

5. I love trying new foods. Apart from meaty stuff there really isn't much I won't try at least once. Actually I have a policy about trying things at least twice, sometimes it's better the second time around. I usually try to get at least one thing a month from the store that I've never tried before.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Awesome Flowchart

It's not often I use the words "awesome" and "flowchart" in the same sentence, in fact I would go as far as to say this is the first time. But has changed my mind on the whole flowchart issue.
The What Would George W. Bush Do? chart is great and I would also highly recommend Science vs. Faith.
Anyway, I can't imagine the subject of flowcharts will come up again. So if you have some kind of horrible flowchart phobia, I'm sorry, this won't be an issue from here on out.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Dangerous? You Don't Say

Apparently, swallowing swords is dangerous. I would have never guessed. But it must be true, as this article surely wouldn't lie, would it?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Death Kitty and the Fat Man

This is one of my favourite cartoons ever. I love the Terry S. Taylor style music and I love the animation style. I just love the whole thing. A lot.

Monday, February 12, 2007

More Reasons To Belive That God Hates Me

It's been almost a week since I've slept more than 4 hours in a night.
I'm slowly loosing my mind. It wasn't so bad over my days off, but now I'm at work and the novelty has worn off... big time.
I'm exhausted and I still can't sleep. When I do sleep it's a shitty sleep. 12 hours of Carnivale didn't put me to sleep. A rather stiff drink didn't put me to sleep. I
think my brain is melting. Soon they're going to find me slumped over in the back room, drooling, with melted brain running out of my nose andsome one's gonna have to clean that up.
The on top of my not being able to think straight, my lovely cat decided it would be a really good idea to scare the shit out of me. And of course, because he's so wonderful, decided that just as I was leaving for work would be a good time.
While I was getting ready for work I heard something hit the floor in the kitchen. I have cats, so that's nothing unusual and I didn't go running to investigate. I should have.
When I got around to walking to the kitchen I found a bottle of prescription meds broken open on the floor and my cat in the middle of them, looking suspiciously like he'd been having a nibble. I'd love to tell you I took all this in stride and handled it with my usual zen-like grace, I'd love to, but it would make me a big fat liar.
I freaked.
I had no idea how many pills were left so I couldn't count the and find out if he'd actually eaten one and I had to go to work. So I called work and told them I was going to be late and then set about trying to coax my idiot of a cat out from
behind the couch. He had of course taken my freak out as my being angry at him and so made himself scarce.
I finally resorted to pulling out the can opener just to get him to come out. I checked his mouth and found nothing but teeth, a tongue and some cat breath. Then I called the vet to see what they had to say. After ten minutes we worked out that if he had actually eaten one it wasn't going to kill him, it would probably just make him a little woozy.
How is it possible to love and hate one animal so much at the same time?

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Sweet Googley-Moogley! Again!

Mario Bros. has got to be my all time favourite theme ever, so here it is again by a band that clearly rocks if for no other reason than that they have Mario Bros. sound fx on their keyboard.

And by the way, you can see a bunch more of these here.

Sweet Googley-Moogley!

It's not very often I use words like cool and sweet and kick-ass to decribe someone playing the flute, but this guy doesn't just play the flute, he kicks that flutes ass.

Monday, February 05, 2007

You Know What I Don't Love?

A lot of stuff... but that is beside the point. At this particular moment I'm talking about having a drunken roommate stumble in at 10pm smelling like some of the gamier library patrons.
I honestly have the worst sense of smell ever. Most of the time I can't smell anything at all, but this smell broke through the smell barrier. What's even better is that she had been drinking so she came right in to my room to talk to me and the smell is one that's going to linger. I couldn't even be polite about it.
I think my response was something along the lines of "Fuck dude, you stink! Really bad! Like stale booze and cigarettes!" And I'd like to tell you I stopped there, but that would make me a liar now wouldn't it? I followed it up with "Seriously, you smell like the weirdos who hang out at the library."
She wasn't really upset by what I said, but she left to get something out of her room. In her absents I tried my damnedest to shoo the smell away and then, much to my dismay she came back. Again displaying my amazing tact I blurted "Don't come back in here, you fucking reek!"
Luckily her boyfriend was waiting in the car for her and she's gone again for the rest of the night (although I think it will probably take the rest of the night for the smell to dissipate).
It's a good thing I'm not some heartless jerk, or I could have really said something rude.

Old News, I Know

But some people seriously haven't seen this shit before.
So for all the folks who are unaware of Penny Arcade, I would suggest you check it out now. Bask in its genius.
And just for fun, here are a few that make me laugh.

This one reminds me of Steve. Seriously, if he had blond hair it would be bang on.

Friday, February 02, 2007


I hate cell phones and after having one for a year (and subsequently ridding myself of the infernal thing) I swore I'd never get another one, but this toon is so awesome I would almost consider getting one just to have it as my ringtone. But I'd probably never answer my phone as I'd be too interested in listening to the song and less so in whatever you're calling about.

Guillermo del Toro, I Think I Love You

It's Naiomi's birthday today and she wanted to go to a movie. Without any prompting from me she chose Pan's Labyrinth and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ecstatic.
Months ago I'd read an article about it's upcoming release and they had a few pictures of some of the make-up. I was, unfortunately, at work at the time so shrieking with excitement seemed like a bad idea. When I noticed that it was directed by Guillermo del Toro (director of my much beloved Hellboy) it was all I could do to keep myself from collapsing with joy.
But I had to stop myself.
In my world, This much pre-viewing excitement is usually followed by post-viewing disappointment on a soul crushing, earth shattering, mind melting level. It's happened too many times before. I get so worked up about seeing a movie that it's impossible for it to live up to my expectations. I can't shirk all the blame for this, I know that my expectations are too high, but I also know that some of the blame lies also with the movie makers.
This was not the case tonight. Not by a long shot. I can say with all honesty that Pan's Labyrinth not only reached but completely surpassed all of my expectations, easily. It's the first time anything like that has happened in years and I could cry, it makes me so happy.
I could go on at length about how much I loved the story (which I did), about how beautiful in their grittiness the sets are (which they are), and about how perfect the make-up and animatronics are (which they most certainly are), but I'll spare you. All I can say is see the movie.
Oh, and Guillermo, seriously, I think I'm in love. You ever need someone to come and work for you, just call. I'll work for free. Happily.