Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Was Always Suspicious

Is your cat plotting to kill you?

Oddly enough, I took the test for both of my cats - this one is for Ozzy. There is no surprise there. But I also took the test for Dorian, my stupid but lovable kitteh. His score? 80%
I'm surrounded by assassins.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I Vote We Cage Them

Can someone please tell me EXACTLY what a group of ten year olds (at most) is doing running around, unsupervised, downtown at 9pm? Because I would love to know who their parents are and why they think it's okay for their children to be running wild, making a fucking menace of themselves.
Honest to fucking god, I believe that most children should be kept in cages until they can prove that they are civilised enough to join us out here in the world. Because as it stands something needs to change. These little monsters are damned near intolerable for the most part and nearly all of the children I see in public could do with a swift kick in the ass. All of those screeching, whining, greedy, snot-nosed little bastards.
Actually, I'm going to take some of that back. They are children after all. They're stupid and impressionable. So it stands to reason they most of them are obnoxious little fucks with a seriously over developed sense of entitlement and a huge attitude problem. Their parents are the same fucking way.
I'm still of the opinion that people should have to submit to psychological testing and take an IQ test before they're allowed to breed. Most people are simply too fucking stupid to be allowed to raise people.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Happy Birthday Harpo!

Happy birthday Harpo. Wherever you are, I hope it's a good one.
Honestly, if you've never seen a Marx Bros. film, you should go do so now. Seriously. I recommend Animal Crackers as a place to start. Or A Night at the Opera. Or A Day at the Races. Just do it. Do it now.

Fuck You And The Horse You Rode In On

What the fuck is this, National Bullshit Month? I know it's not just me because I've heard it from several people in the last few weeks but it's wearing really fucking thin. I've had it up to my fucking eyeballs with just about everyone and their fucked up bullshit.
I am sick to fucking death of people treating me like shit and going out of their way to point out how fucking worthless they think I am. I am incredibly fucking tired of being lied to. I'm done with back stabbers. I'm just fucking finished. Really. Fucking. Finished.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Ever Have One Of Those Moments?

You know, when you remember something totally obscure from years ago? Some stupid shit that used to make you laugh and was somehow forgotten? And then out of no where it just comes to you and you're like "Holy shit! I need to find that again!"? Yeah, like that.
I just had one of those moments and thanks to the magic of the internets I found it. Jar Barf.
Seriously, am I the only one who remembers this? And why does it still make me laugh? And why haven't I watch Conan in so long?
Check out the Jar Barf Channel

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Today I Hate Everything

I spent most of the night not sleeping.
"Why?" you ask.
Because I was in a lot of pain. Wait... did I say was? Like it was in the past? Like I'm not now? Scratch that. I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN.
Seriously, anyone who thinks being a woman has it's perks, is easier or whatever should have their balls shot off. I've taken enough painkillers to drop a small elephant and all they've done is dull the stabbing pain and make me nauseous.
Fuck you, everything. I hate you. You there! No, not you. You! Yeah, you. Fuck you.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Deal Breakers, I Got 'Em

Adam stole this so I don't feel bad from stealing it from him. I'm a jerk like that.
Some of these questions are more or less aimed at guys but I'll try to work around that or with it or something. I dunno. I guess you'll just have to read it to find out, now won't you? (also, this might provide some insight in to why I've been single for so long...)

Does your ad have any misspellings or poor grammar usage?
Honestly, if you don't have 100% perfect grammar all the fucking time, fine. I'm not a fucking grammar Nazi. But you start replacing words with "text chat" and you're not even worth my time. I don't have time for anyone who can't take the three seconds extra it takes to type properly.

Do you have a college degree?
As long as you're an intelligent person and can speak coherently on a number of subjects, I couldn't care less whether you have a degree or not. In fact, if you DO have a degree and constantly rub it in everyone's face and flaunt it like you're something special, chances are good that I will punch you in the throat.

How many tattoos do you have?
Actually I like tattoos. So I'm not picky about how many you have. I should mention however, I have very little to no interest in people who have stupid ass "I was drunk and thought it would be funny" and "I was too fucking cheap to pay for a good tattoo from someone who knows what they were doing" tattoos. I don't know why but those just piss me off and they make you look like a fucking douche bag.

How many kids do you have?
I'm really not a "kid person". At all. One kid of a reasonable age (as in one who is old enough to speak clearly, wipe their own ass and not given to bouts of crying over EVERYTHING) might, MIGHT be acceptable but they would have to be something really fucking special. And if you don't have kids but really want some, just stay the fuck away from me. I am NOT a breeder.

Do you watch television?
Well you'd better. Same goes for movies. I constantly reference tv shows and movies, quote lines, make inside jokes and am a general nerd. If you can't keep up I'm not interested. At all. Also, if you hate Sci-Fi, especially Star Trek, don't even bother. It would never work. (Actually, if you can't name the actors who played Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Picard, Riker, Data and Worf without having to think about it, don't bother. I'm not your type. Trust me.)

Do you have a driver's license?
A guy without a driver's license is... wrong. It's just wrong. There is no part of that that's okay. That is a serious deal breaker. That being said, I hate being a passenger so you DO NOT get to drive all the time. I don't care how un-macho it is. Suck it up, princess.

Do you have a sense of humor?
If not, just fuck off right now. If you can't make me laugh I don't even want to waste my time. Same goes if you think Dane Cook is hilarious, if you don't like George Carlin, if you don't get Monty Python, if you can watch Young Frankenstein without even cracking a smile and I could go on. But if you fall in to any of those categories I think it's best we just stop before we even start.

Can you support yourself?
I'm usually broke. I work, don't get me wrong but I'm still not making tons of money and I'm fine with that. I keep a roof over my head and I eat occasionally. So I don't mind someone who's not rolling in cash. Actually, I feel bad when someone is paying for me too often. Even if it's okay with them and they like doing it, it makes me feel like a mooch and reminds me that I don't have a lot. So as long as you've got the basics covered and you're not mooching off me, I'm cool with that.

Do you drink alcohol?
Drinking I'm okay with. I personally can't drink because of my health problems, but hopefully one day I'll be able to finish off my bottle of absinthe and the rum I have left. However, getting blind, stinking drunk at every given opportunity, not being a good drunk, etc. just turns me off. Big time. The same goes for drugs. I'm so not in to a guy who's into getting high. It's one of those things that instantly lowers my opinion of you and in a guy I'm considering dating, it makes me think you're less intelligent. I don't know why but it does.

Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?
If yes, it's not going to work out between us. Sorry. With my friends it's not a big deal (provided they don't preach to me and it's not a topic for discussion more often than once in a blue moon) but in a relationship it's an obstacle. Regardless of what you might think. And believe me when I say that you'll never convert me. Stronger people who I respect more have tried and failed miserably.

Do you have bad breath?
Serious deal breaker. I don't have much of a sense of smell but if I can smell your breath you need to get the fuck away from me. I mean, if you just ate something smelly, I understand. But constant bad breath makes me gag.

Are you ugly?
A friend of mine has been adamant (for years) that I only like "old weird guys". While I don't completely agree with her assessment, I will freely admit that I have an unusual taste in men. Personally, intelligence is more important to me than looks. Smarts are sexy. (And so are Kevin Spacey, Alan Rickman, Patrick Stewart, etc, etc, etc...)

Are you computer illiterate?
I don't expect anyone to be a computer genius but I don't ever want to have to explain how to turn the computer on. Being able to use a computer with confidence is important. So is not hating Macs. Because I love both my Macs, more than you. Deal with it.

Do you have really long fingernails?
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew. I cannot even put in to words exactly how much a guy with long fingernails grosses me out. I have no idea why, but hands are a very important feature to me and long nails make me gag. Just buy a nail clipper already. Seriously.

Do you smell like smoke?
Guys who smell like ash trays make me want to barf. Kissing a guy who tastes like an ash tray is even worse. Yuk, dude. Just yuk.

Do you like animals?
Well you'd better. I have two cats who I love more than most people. They live with me, you don't. Guess who's more likely to be replaced. Guys who don't like dogs just worry me. (And I have ever intention of getting a rottweiler, so if you're scared of big dogs, you need not apply.)

Do you enjoy going out to dinner?
Once in a while I don't mind going out. But when I do, I go to a sit-down place. Fast food is not my thing if I'm "going for supper with someone".

Do you have enormous boobs?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW... man-boobs. Just no, no and more no. I don't mind a bigger guy, but if your boobs are bigger than mine... *shudder* (the same goes for back hair... actually I'd take he-hooters over back hair any day. Especially if it's shoulder hair and back hair that forms a "hair vest".... *barf*)

Sunday, November 09, 2008

To The Flyer Leaving Fuck

I got your flyer when I got home from a rather enjoyable evening out and I just want to say thanks. Thanks for killing the good times. Honestly at this point I'm so mad I don't even really know what to say. I'd probably start with "How dare you?"
That's "how dare you?" as is how dare you leave your hate-filled bullshit in random stranger's mail boxes? How dare you print such filth? How dare you promote hate and MURDER? Just how fucking dare you?
Kill the homosexual!? Are you fucking serious? And then to QUOTE THE FUCKING BIBLE!? To take your own religion and twist it to fit your disgusting ideas and hatred? To use your God to promote violence and murder?
While you were reading that oh so sacred book of yours, did you just skip right over the whole "Thou shalt not kill" bit? Or how about the part that says "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone"? Or "Love thy neighbour as thyself"? Or "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise"? Did you miss those bits completely? Or did they just not work with your vision of how things aught to be? (Oh yeah, that's right. I can't play "quote the bible" too.)
How about this, you stay the fuck away from my house and I'll leave my baseball bat in the back room? Okay? Because if I ever catch you leaving that kind of shit in my mailbox again, you're going to get a taste of what the vengeance of the lord feels like. You self-righteous, religious abusing, bible tainting, hate mongering, fuckwad.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Oh Yeah, We're Mature

I seem to be getting along alright with everyone at the new job but I had started to think that the one chick, let's call her "Sara", didn't care for me so much. It seems that we really just had to break the ice. Now that the ice has been broken we can get on with childish giggling at, well, everything. For instance...
The day before yesterday we were packing up returns for the delivery guy to pick up and Sara walked over and stood beside me. When she just stood there and didn't say anything I looked over at her and waited.
She looked at me kinda funny and said "How much do you think your box weighs?" Then she snorted, trying to stifle a laugh.
"I really don't know." I said. "It's not something I've ever really thought about. How much do you think my box weighs?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe we should ask the delivery guy how much he thinks your box weighs."
It was at this point we both cracked up.
And then today...
We were checking in new stock and pricing it. Some isn't for sale until the 11th so we were setting it aside. I had a stack of CDs ready to go and Sara walked over and grabbed them.
"I'm just going to shove these in my box."
I almost fell over I was laughing so hard. I also had another stack of CDs ready.
"Do you want to shove these in your box too?"
"Yeah, I think I can fit them in my box."
"You certainly have got a lot in your box."
"I think I can fit a lot more in my box if I shift some things around."
"Well I've got this Willie Nelson CD."
"Just one Willie?"
"Do you think you can fit more than one Willie in your box?"
"Oh yeah, I think I could fit a bunch of Willies in my box. I want to set a world record for stuffing things in my box."
"You know, while you've been busy filling up your box, I've got my box almost empty."
"Oh yeah, my box is clean as a whistle."
"I hope to have my box cleaned out by Tuesday."
And once again we both cracked up.
It's good to be such mature, responsible adults.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Someone Needs To Check Your Dosage

Two weeks ago I started a new job at one of the local CD/DVD stores, which is super cool and all. But this store happens to be located right by a Tim Horton's (Timmy's, Tim's, Timmy Ho's, The Horton, whatever you want to call it - only real Canadians get it) and mostly because of the nearness of it I've been there nearly every day I've worked my new job.
Now as much as I hate to admit it because I know how fucking lazy it is, I normally just drive over (it's normally fast and a fuck of a lot easier when I'm also picking up orders for two or three other people - besides, fuck you). There seems to be a few people who work the Tim's drive-thru regularly so I've gotten to recognize them. One in particular is Jade.
Oh, Jade...
It all began last week when I pulled up to the drive-thru, ordered my carrot-wheat muffin and extra large steeped tea with three sugars and handed Jade my debit card (I don't often carry real money, so sue me) and she went all Leeroy Jenkins on me. "DEBIIIIIIIIIIT!?" She actually shouted it out the window. This was even more amusing because Jade happens to be a rather petit asian woman. I seriously though my eye balls were going to pop right out of my head from stifling my laugh. It was just so fucking insane and hilarious. But I figured she was just in a weird mood.
Then the yesterday one of the girls from work (let's call her "Amber") and I decided we needed to make a run to Tim's. So we hopped in the car (see, she's lazy too) and headed over. When we got to the order box, some crusty Tim's bitch who informed me that their debit was down so there was nothing they could do for me. So me and Amber drove to shoppers and I got some cash, then back to Tim's.
This time around there's not a word about the debit being down, which is fucking stupid as we'd only been gone five minutes. But whatever, I was hungry, in need of tea and Amber was getting antsy. So I start my order...
"I'd like an extra large steeped tea and two hashbrowns..." but Tim's bitch cuts me off.
"We stopped serving breakfast."
Oh my, you're right. It's two minutes after 11 because I had to drive to shoppers to get cash because your debit was down. Amber scrambles to pick something else.
"Okay, then give me a raspberry doughnut..." Tim's bitch cuts me off again.
"Raspberry filled?"
"Yes please."
"That's everything?"
"No, I also need a chocolate milk and a carrot muffin."
She barks the price at me and I drive up to the window while Amber and I laugh about how crusty the help is getting. Jade is waiting. "We're out of carrot muffins, would you like something else?"
Damnit. I wanted a muffin. But I'm too hungry to be pouty. "Um, I guess I'll have a whole wheat bagel then."
Amber suddenly has an attack of buyer's remorse and changes her mind about the doughnut. "And can I switch the doughnut to a chocolate chip muffin?"
Jade goes to get the new order. Amber and I chat and joke around while she's gone. She comes back to tell us they're out of chocolate chip muffins. By this time the whole trip has become such an ordeal that we're cracking up.
"Can I just have a raspberry muffin then?"
"That's your final order then? No more changes?" Jade asks, getting huffy.
"Yeah, that's perfect."
Jade comes back with the muffin, chocolate milk and my tea.
"Can I have three sugars and an extra cup please?"
The window slams shut and Amber makes some comment that has us both laughing (it was in regards to being honked at in a drive-thru). When Jade pokes her head out again we're still laughing.
"You guys are having enough fun then!" She snaps and THROWS two packets of sugar at me.
I kind of sat there, stunned and then Amber speaks up "Did she just throw sugar at you?" Which just makes me laugh.
"I still need my bagel!" I call to Jade. Finally she comes back and shoves the bagel in to my hands.
We drove off and as we're pulling up at work Amber looks at me and says "You asked for three sugars, didn't you? And did she give you a stir stick?"
"I have a sugar packet in my purse and there is no way in hell I'm going back to ask for a stir stick. I'm pretty sure she'd kill me."

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

From me To You 26

- Being in pain is no excuse for being a pain in the ass. My ability to feel bad for you is significantly decreased when you're being a bitch.

- If you think that cracking the whip and coming down hard on people is the best way to lead them and to get them to follow orders, you're an idiot. An idiot who's going to get their ass handed to them by a large group of angry people that don't like being treated like shit.

- If you have to change everything about how you conduct yourself to impress someone chances are that you're not going to be able to impress them anyway or you really aren't good enough. Either way, you're going to go down in flames so you might as well have fun along the way. Maybe if you loosen up they won't think you're a total ass-hat.

- If you have a problem with me, here's an exciting new approach - TELL ME. Don't tell someone else. Funny thing about coming and talking directly to me, shit gets sorted almost immediately. Oh and just FYI, if you do tell someone else and they tell me, chances are damned good I'm going to talk to you about it. So you won't escape me anyway and I'll be annoyed that I had to go through all this just to hear that you were upset about something stupid.

- Yes, I am like this all the time.