Saturday, August 29, 2009

At Least It's Not A Crack Habit

I don't smoke, I don't drink, really I have very few vices. Unfortunately one of my few vices tends to get expensive. I don't know how it happens.
I have got to stop going to Best Buy, Future Shop and Rogers. Honestly. I went to Rogers to rent one movie so how the fuck did I end up buying three movies, a season of Dexter, a season of Rome, a season of Corner Gas and renting Arkham Asylum? What the fuck?
Maybe I should just take up smoking.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Bullshit Fact Of The Day

A study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that a dollar could buy 1,200 calories of potato chips or 875 calories of soda but just 250 calories of vegetables or 170 calories of fresh fruit.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Happy Blogiversary To Me!

I'm actually having trouble believing that I've been doing this four years already. It seems like only yesterday I wrote my first post. But then, I never was very good with dates.
Five blogs, 1 facebook page, twitter and a whole lot of ranting later - Kill The Body still stands.
Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me!

Friday, August 21, 2009

No. Fucking. Way.

Alright, I realize this is one of those moments where you just kind of look at me with that vaguely sad "oh dear, she's really lost it this time" look but stay with me here.
When I was a kid there was a plethora of terrible low budget kids programming, mostly local, to chose from. One such show was a local gem - Puttnam's Prairie Emporium. For years I thought it was just one of those things I had imagined or made up or was really just fragments of other shows crammed into one memory. As it turns out, it was just a seriously local show so only myself and a handful of other freaks who grew up on CKCK kids programming remember it.
But that's hardly the point of this post.
Working at the library there is an abundance of gossip and one of my co-workers is really the gossip hub of the entire library system. Tonight he casually asked me if I remember PPE. I answered in the affirmative. He then, with equal calm, told me that the security guard working upstairs is none other than Mr. Puttnam himself.
What. The. Fuck!
Seriously, that guy always looked familiar but I could never quite place him. As soon as he said it, it all fell in to place. It fucking IS Mr. Puttnam! A little older and a little balder, but it's totally him!
Jesus Christ on a cracker! I just talked to the guy like three hours ago! I was talking to Mr. Fucking Puttnam! And he has a bunch of tattoos, which I think weirds me out almost as much as realizing that someone I can remember vividly from my childhood is now working as a security guard at the library.
How the fucking hell did that happen?
That's just too much weird for one night.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Live Help?

It was my week to host Too Much Pressure (it's the radio show I do with Robin on Sundays, you should know that already) so I got to see the switchboard over at BlogTalk. Usually I don't pay too much attention to anything beyond keeping the show going but today I kept seeing the "live help" icon down in the corner.
I have a question....
Why is that penis wearing headphones?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Punisher: Review Zone

Well, I'll hand it to them. I do feel punished. I don't know what I was being punished for but it was clearly something really bad and I've very, very sorry.
When I watch any action movie I go in knowing it's not going to be Gone With The Wind or, well, anything really amazingly good. I'm not a huge fan of the genre but I can appreciate it, even like it. It's something I do, now and then, when I just want to shut my brain off for a few hours and watch some mindless shit involving a lot of ridiculous scenarios in which many guns are fired and dead evil henchmen litter the ground like confetti at a parade. Is that so wrong?
Last night I really just wanted to watch something along those lines so I borrowed my brother's copy of Punisher: War Zone. To be honest, Punisher was never one of my favourite comic book characters but I liked them enough to have seen and enjoyed the first movie. Also, Ray Stevenson is the new Frank Castle. Have I mentioned my love of Ray Stevenson? Because he's awesomely awesome and he was one of the very big reasons I love Rome as much as I do.
I was hoping for something good.
I was disappointed. Actually that's not even a strong enough word but I'll go with it for now.
Ray was, as I expected, the best part of the movie. I was having a bit of trouble picturing him as an action hero, especially Frank Castle but he managed to pull it off nicely.
And there ends anything good I have to say about the movie.
Wait, that's not true. Wayne Knight was pretty awesome in that "hey, I'm Wayne Knight" kind of way.
There were just so many things about the movie that were bad, wrong, troubling or down-right laughable. The biggest, most glaring problem were the accents. I cringed every time 90% of the actors opened their mouths. They all went for the most over the top, stereo-typical New York drawl with limited and varied success. (By the way - Thanks, Ray, for just going with a general American accent. It worked and I appreciated it. Really.)
Dominic West was absolutely the worst offender. It was so bad I was actually having trouble even paying attention to what he was saying. Would it really have been that fucking hard to find an american actor to play Jigsaw if that was what they wanted? I mean, the US seems to be positively infested with American actors and they couldn't find a single one? Although, to be fair, Doug Hutchinson wasn't any better. He comes in at #2 in the list of "unbelievably bad accents" and he's from Delaware. (Also on the list is the mafia boss at the beginning of the film, who's name I didn't bother committing to memory who was speaking in what can only be described as a bad Godfather impression meets The Simpson's Luigi Risotto voice.)
The acting was equally as bad going from wooden to (Adam West) Batman Villain-esque over the top and back again at alarming speed. All of which was bumped up a notch by how rushed everything felt. The whole movie felt like a speeding car with no breaks.
The creation of Jigsaw being the best example. He went from being shredded in some kind of factory that's never really explained to being up and walking around half a scene later. He even gets to do a half-assed, wannabe Joker/plastic surgeon reveal scene before he spends most of the movie being completely unfazed by his transformation and about 2 seconds being all "oh I'm so damn ugly! boo-hoo!" (Again, to be fair, the make-up was painfully bad. I would have cried too.)
Really, I could spend all day picking the film apart (I could spend an hour just on "Looney Bin" Jim) but I just haven't got the time to devote to that much garbage. Between the painfully bad acting, the shitty accents, the unexplained... well, everything, the plot holes, the cliches, the make-up, the special effects, the costumes (what the FUCK was Jigsaw wearing in that last 1/4 of the movie? Seriously. What. The. Fuck.) and the sound effects (the squishy/splashy/splat sounds that every single injury made went from stupid to ridiculous to annoying to hysterical. It was like something out of a WB cartoon) it was just bad.
I did actually make it through the entire movie but I had, more than once, considered giving up and going to bed which says more about it than anything.
Finally, let me just say this - Ray, I love you. Really I do. This in no way reflects on how awesome I think you are.
But sweet titty fucking Christ, this movie was fucking awful.

*edit: When casting mafia muscle men, do you think it's possible that they could have found anyone LESS intimidating than Keram Malicki-Sanchez? Really? Because he's about as intimidating as a potato.

Meme Time: My Life According To The Beatles

It's Saturday and I'm too tired to be clever or original, so you get a meme! Yay! Aren't you excited? I know I am!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (derp derp derp)"

Pick your Artist:
The Beatles

Are you a male or female?

Describe yourself:
Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey

How do you feel:
Happiness is a warm gun

Describe where you currently live:
Strawberry fields forever

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Across the universe

Your favorite form of transportation:
Yellow Submarine

Your best friend is:
Mr. Moonlight

You and your best friends are:
Sgt. Pepper's lonely hearts club band

What's the weather like:

Favorite time of day:
A hard day's night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
A day in the life

What is life to you:
Carnival of light

Your last relationship:
Bad to me

Your fear:
A world without love

What is the best advice you have to give:
Act naturally

Thought for the Day:
Don't bother me

How I would like to die:
Free as a bird

My soul's present condition:
No Reply

Most Faithful Companion:

My motto:
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da

Oh and I'm tagging Robin, Janna, Ed

Friday, August 14, 2009


The only thing keeping me from killing everyone right now.
PMS: Inside every woman lurks a homicidal maniac.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Friday, August 07, 2009

I'm Not Dead, Honest

Just really, fucking, head-splittingly busy.
Aside from my regular work load I also have a wedding cake to do this week. Most of which had to be revised several times because everything was going horribly horribly wrong. This was causing me too much stress and panic. But now that I seem to have it all sorted I am much, much, much happier.
I say that reluctantly, because every time I think I've got it sorted it falls apart again. I feel kind of like I'm trying to build a house of cards in a hurricane.
Anyway, once it's all said and done I'l try to be around more. Really.