Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy Boxing Day

Try not to get trampled and for the love of Groucho, please folks, a 50% off sale is no reason to start a fist fight in the middle of Best Buy. Trust me.
For all of you weirdos who have no idea what I'm talking about - Boxing Day has more or less become our answer to Black Friday. Only it's after Christmas. Every idiot and their screaming brats load in to the car and head down to whatever store is having the best sales and proceeds to forget any manners they may have had before they walked through the front door. Then they all fight for the honour of spending money on crap they don't really need. All the while the unfortunate staff of any store open on boxing day spends their shift trying not to kill each and every person in the store and to hang on to the last shred of sanity left to them. Golly-gee, doesn't that sound like fun?
Personally, I'd rather sleep in.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Food For Thought And Also Eating

I love food. I love talking about food. I love eating food. I love cooking and baking. I love the food channel. It's all wonderful. By that same token, I'm also a food snob. This seems to be a constant source of entertainment for most people who know me well. I'm not a picky eater by any means, I just like quality food. Is that so wrong?
Now, all that being said, it's come to my attention over the years that I eat some weird things. I never thought anything of it until someone would see me eating something odd or it would come up in conversation and suddenly I'd have a room full of people laughing and asking all kinds of silly questions.
So, now to get this all out in the open, to get it out of the way, to save myself a lot of time later - here is a list of the weird shit I like to eat. A lot of it is ethnic type food, which thankfully is becoming much more common and the rest is shit I picked up from my family.

Raw fish - I eat sushi on an almost regular basis. I love raw fish. Yes, I can hear your jokes from here. Thanks. Oh and this also means I eat quite a lot of fish eggs. Tasty.

Pickled herring - I'm german, what can I say? I also love Kraut and sardines. It seems to be a genetic flaw.

Smoked eel - I love smoked eel more than I love most people. Fuck you if you don't. More for me.

Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches - They're good. Seriously. Try them. Smooth peanut butter, dill pickle, bread. Seriously.

Perogies with peanut butter - the only thing in the whole world that goes together with perogies as well as sour cream is peanut butter. Would I lie to you?

Tofu - I eat A LOT of tofu. I actually like it. You would too if someone cooked it for you properly.

Red bean paste - there's a chinese bakery in town that makes a variety of buns, my very favourite of which is the red bean paste (or sweet bean paste). The only thing I love more than those were the red bean paste dumplings my favourite chinese restaurant used to make. Man, I miss then so much.

Black tree fungus - It's crunchy, it's chewy, it's delicious. Leave me alone.

Seaweed - I have two packages in my freezer as I type and I often go and pull out a piece to eat. Just seaweed on it's own. It's good. Really.

hmmm... that's all I can think of right now.
I can't be the only one who eats weird shit! I just can't!

More Sad News

I was absolutely hearbroken to read that Majel Barrett passed yesterday. Majel was always one of my all time favourite Star Trek regulars. Whether it was as Number One (however short lived the character was), Nurse Chapel or in every episode as the computer. Although I must say that no one holds a candle to Lwaxana Troi, daughter of the fifth house, holder of the sacred chalice of Rixx, heir to the holy rings of Betazed.
The final frontier just won't be the same without her.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

23 Hours And Counting *UPDATE*

Firstly, wow. I just reread what I wrote earlier and it's both worse than I'd hoped and better than I thought it would be. But then I should probably point out that since my last post I only managed to get one hour of sleep. Sort of.
I mean that I fell asleep on the couch watching Mission Hill and kind of half napped half just stared at the TV in some kind of weird sleep-deprived stupor. So we're getting on to about 35 hours on one hour of sleep. Which might not be so bad really if it weren't for the fact that I'm at work and I have to drive myself home in a little bit. (did I mention it's -30 outside with the wind?)
None of this is really making it very safe for me to be out and about. In fact, this is probably the stupidest thing I've done in a long time. Not that staying up was my idea. What else are you supposed to do when you can't sleep? Stay up, right? Yeah.
Secondly, I finished God of War which makes part of me sad because I really wanted there to be more game. The other part of me is way too excited that I beat the shit out of that game. That Kratos is one bad-ass Motherfucker.

23 Hours And Counting

In a little less than an hour I will have been up for a full day. Don't ask me why. I'm really not sure. Insomnia is a cruel master. The kind of cruel that some people pay money for in dimly lit, houses of ill repute and sticky floors where everyone wears black leather, it's not uncommon to see people being lead around on leashes, the floors are sticky but no one really wants to know why and no one should ever see fully lit. (At least, that's what I imagine those places are like.)
Insomnia coupled with a handful of painkillers and a new video game. It was just more than I could possibly have stood a chance against. I mean, honestly, I haven't even had any coffee. I just wasn't tired. (Although I did take out my contacts a little while ago, my eyes were starting to hurt.)
I'm starting to feel it now tho. I'm having trouble thinking clearly and speaking coherently. Also my arms are feeling distinctly waterlogged but then so are my legs. I guess, at least, I have a matched set. Right? Maybe I'm actually tired. Maybe it's the drugs kicking in. Maybe I'm dying from some new and exotic disease. Who knows?
If it is indeed the latter, I would like to leave my coffins to Janna, my cats to Robin, my bills to Amanda and everything else to Cole. Enjoy.
Oh and by the way, since I mentioned the new video game - God of War is so fucking awesome it hurts my brain. I'm just sad that I'm nearly finished it. I wish there was more. Kratos and me, we make one hell of a team. He's one fuckin wicked dude. We spent all day yesterday and all last night killing all manner of evil shit. And, goddamn, did we ever fuck the minotaur's shit up.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Bye Bye, Bettie

I was saddened to hear that Bettie Page passed away earlier today.
Like so many others I've been enthralled with her for years. She's the classic, the perfect and the notorious.
So bye bye, Bettie. No one will ever replace you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Welcome To Meme-terpiece Theatre

Hey look, another meme I stole! Woo!

1. Pick 25 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDB, find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them in a note for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDB search functions. That's cheating and it ruins the fun.

1. "That guy is tense. Tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. The baritone was this guy named Kip Diskin, big fat guy, I mean, like, orca fat. He was so stressed in the morning..."

2. "You're in love. Have a beer."
"Oh, my body's a temple."
"Now it's an amusement park."

3. "Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well."

4. "I know it is a little early for Christmas, Edward, but; I have a present for you."

5. "I'm only an elected official here, I can't make decisions by myself!"

6. "And it is said that the Princess returned to her father's kingdom. That she reigned there with justice and a kind heart for many centuries. That she was loved by her people. And that she left behind small traces of her time on Earth, visible only to those who know where to look."

7. "And I'm the Devil. Now kindly undo these straps."

8. "It's an old habit. I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless but not men. How's your boy?"

9. "Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless negativism. Consider the lilies of the goddamn field or... hell! Take at look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope."

10. "I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death..."

11. "My grandfather's work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! "

12. "I wouldn't bring up Paris if I were you, it's poor salesmanship."

13. "After living in the USA for more than thirty-five years they called me an undesirable alien. Me. Johnny Rocco. Like I was a dirty Red or something!"

14. "I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed."

15. "Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell."

16. "I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye."

17. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

18. "Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?"

19. "Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures."

20. "Have no fear, little one... I am here to protect thee."

21. "Why should I love God? He strung up his only son like a side of veal. I shudder to think what he'd do to me."

22. "What a mystery this world, one day you love them and the next day you want to kill them a thousand times over."

23. "My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?"
"A picture of me?"
"No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!"

24. "Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up."

25. "Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who *mocks* him and *laughs* at him as he's repeatedly *crushed* and *maimed*! Hope you'll *enjoy* it!"

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

You Know What Today Is?

No, it's not Rex Manning Day.
So of course I went out and braved the ice and snow and cold and shitty drivers and Best Buy shoppers to get my grubby hands on my very own copy. Along with God of War and Motown Classics Gold. (Seriously, what is it with me and Best Buy? I never seem to be able to get out of that place without at lest three items. I can't remember the last time I went there and spent less than $30. It's like some kind of crazy money stealing vortex of entertainment. *sigh*)
Now I'm home again and I plan to celebrate this wonderful holiday (it is a holiday, right?) by sitting on my couch in my jim-jams and watching me some delicious Batman action. Feel free to join me, popcorn and snacks are welcome.

Monday, December 01, 2008

I Should Have Slept In

Pink Slipped
Made Redundant
Walking Spanish
Bum's Rush
Laid Off
Given The Chop
Shit Canned
Let Go
Got The Boot

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Was Always Suspicious

Is your cat plotting to kill you?

Oddly enough, I took the test for both of my cats - this one is for Ozzy. There is no surprise there. But I also took the test for Dorian, my stupid but lovable kitteh. His score? 80%
I'm surrounded by assassins.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I Vote We Cage Them

Can someone please tell me EXACTLY what a group of ten year olds (at most) is doing running around, unsupervised, downtown at 9pm? Because I would love to know who their parents are and why they think it's okay for their children to be running wild, making a fucking menace of themselves.
Honest to fucking god, I believe that most children should be kept in cages until they can prove that they are civilised enough to join us out here in the world. Because as it stands something needs to change. These little monsters are damned near intolerable for the most part and nearly all of the children I see in public could do with a swift kick in the ass. All of those screeching, whining, greedy, snot-nosed little bastards.
Actually, I'm going to take some of that back. They are children after all. They're stupid and impressionable. So it stands to reason they most of them are obnoxious little fucks with a seriously over developed sense of entitlement and a huge attitude problem. Their parents are the same fucking way.
I'm still of the opinion that people should have to submit to psychological testing and take an IQ test before they're allowed to breed. Most people are simply too fucking stupid to be allowed to raise people.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Happy Birthday Harpo!

Happy birthday Harpo. Wherever you are, I hope it's a good one.
Honestly, if you've never seen a Marx Bros. film, you should go do so now. Seriously. I recommend Animal Crackers as a place to start. Or A Night at the Opera. Or A Day at the Races. Just do it. Do it now.

Fuck You And The Horse You Rode In On

What the fuck is this, National Bullshit Month? I know it's not just me because I've heard it from several people in the last few weeks but it's wearing really fucking thin. I've had it up to my fucking eyeballs with just about everyone and their fucked up bullshit.
I am sick to fucking death of people treating me like shit and going out of their way to point out how fucking worthless they think I am. I am incredibly fucking tired of being lied to. I'm done with back stabbers. I'm just fucking finished. Really. Fucking. Finished.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Ever Have One Of Those Moments?

You know, when you remember something totally obscure from years ago? Some stupid shit that used to make you laugh and was somehow forgotten? And then out of no where it just comes to you and you're like "Holy shit! I need to find that again!"? Yeah, like that.
I just had one of those moments and thanks to the magic of the internets I found it. Jar Barf.
Seriously, am I the only one who remembers this? And why does it still make me laugh? And why haven't I watch Conan in so long?
Check out the Jar Barf Channel

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Today I Hate Everything

I spent most of the night not sleeping.
"Why?" you ask.
Because I was in a lot of pain. Wait... did I say was? Like it was in the past? Like I'm not now? Scratch that. I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN.
Seriously, anyone who thinks being a woman has it's perks, is easier or whatever should have their balls shot off. I've taken enough painkillers to drop a small elephant and all they've done is dull the stabbing pain and make me nauseous.
Fuck you, everything. I hate you. You there! No, not you. You! Yeah, you. Fuck you.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Deal Breakers, I Got 'Em

Adam stole this so I don't feel bad from stealing it from him. I'm a jerk like that.
Some of these questions are more or less aimed at guys but I'll try to work around that or with it or something. I dunno. I guess you'll just have to read it to find out, now won't you? (also, this might provide some insight in to why I've been single for so long...)

Does your ad have any misspellings or poor grammar usage?
Honestly, if you don't have 100% perfect grammar all the fucking time, fine. I'm not a fucking grammar Nazi. But you start replacing words with "text chat" and you're not even worth my time. I don't have time for anyone who can't take the three seconds extra it takes to type properly.

Do you have a college degree?
As long as you're an intelligent person and can speak coherently on a number of subjects, I couldn't care less whether you have a degree or not. In fact, if you DO have a degree and constantly rub it in everyone's face and flaunt it like you're something special, chances are good that I will punch you in the throat.

How many tattoos do you have?
Actually I like tattoos. So I'm not picky about how many you have. I should mention however, I have very little to no interest in people who have stupid ass "I was drunk and thought it would be funny" and "I was too fucking cheap to pay for a good tattoo from someone who knows what they were doing" tattoos. I don't know why but those just piss me off and they make you look like a fucking douche bag.

How many kids do you have?
I'm really not a "kid person". At all. One kid of a reasonable age (as in one who is old enough to speak clearly, wipe their own ass and not given to bouts of crying over EVERYTHING) might, MIGHT be acceptable but they would have to be something really fucking special. And if you don't have kids but really want some, just stay the fuck away from me. I am NOT a breeder.

Do you watch television?
Well you'd better. Same goes for movies. I constantly reference tv shows and movies, quote lines, make inside jokes and am a general nerd. If you can't keep up I'm not interested. At all. Also, if you hate Sci-Fi, especially Star Trek, don't even bother. It would never work. (Actually, if you can't name the actors who played Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Picard, Riker, Data and Worf without having to think about it, don't bother. I'm not your type. Trust me.)

Do you have a driver's license?
A guy without a driver's license is... wrong. It's just wrong. There is no part of that that's okay. That is a serious deal breaker. That being said, I hate being a passenger so you DO NOT get to drive all the time. I don't care how un-macho it is. Suck it up, princess.

Do you have a sense of humor?
If not, just fuck off right now. If you can't make me laugh I don't even want to waste my time. Same goes if you think Dane Cook is hilarious, if you don't like George Carlin, if you don't get Monty Python, if you can watch Young Frankenstein without even cracking a smile and I could go on. But if you fall in to any of those categories I think it's best we just stop before we even start.

Can you support yourself?
I'm usually broke. I work, don't get me wrong but I'm still not making tons of money and I'm fine with that. I keep a roof over my head and I eat occasionally. So I don't mind someone who's not rolling in cash. Actually, I feel bad when someone is paying for me too often. Even if it's okay with them and they like doing it, it makes me feel like a mooch and reminds me that I don't have a lot. So as long as you've got the basics covered and you're not mooching off me, I'm cool with that.

Do you drink alcohol?
Drinking I'm okay with. I personally can't drink because of my health problems, but hopefully one day I'll be able to finish off my bottle of absinthe and the rum I have left. However, getting blind, stinking drunk at every given opportunity, not being a good drunk, etc. just turns me off. Big time. The same goes for drugs. I'm so not in to a guy who's into getting high. It's one of those things that instantly lowers my opinion of you and in a guy I'm considering dating, it makes me think you're less intelligent. I don't know why but it does.

Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?
If yes, it's not going to work out between us. Sorry. With my friends it's not a big deal (provided they don't preach to me and it's not a topic for discussion more often than once in a blue moon) but in a relationship it's an obstacle. Regardless of what you might think. And believe me when I say that you'll never convert me. Stronger people who I respect more have tried and failed miserably.

Do you have bad breath?
Serious deal breaker. I don't have much of a sense of smell but if I can smell your breath you need to get the fuck away from me. I mean, if you just ate something smelly, I understand. But constant bad breath makes me gag.

Are you ugly?
A friend of mine has been adamant (for years) that I only like "old weird guys". While I don't completely agree with her assessment, I will freely admit that I have an unusual taste in men. Personally, intelligence is more important to me than looks. Smarts are sexy. (And so are Kevin Spacey, Alan Rickman, Patrick Stewart, etc, etc, etc...)

Are you computer illiterate?
I don't expect anyone to be a computer genius but I don't ever want to have to explain how to turn the computer on. Being able to use a computer with confidence is important. So is not hating Macs. Because I love both my Macs, more than you. Deal with it.

Do you have really long fingernails?
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew. I cannot even put in to words exactly how much a guy with long fingernails grosses me out. I have no idea why, but hands are a very important feature to me and long nails make me gag. Just buy a nail clipper already. Seriously.

Do you smell like smoke?
Guys who smell like ash trays make me want to barf. Kissing a guy who tastes like an ash tray is even worse. Yuk, dude. Just yuk.

Do you like animals?
Well you'd better. I have two cats who I love more than most people. They live with me, you don't. Guess who's more likely to be replaced. Guys who don't like dogs just worry me. (And I have ever intention of getting a rottweiler, so if you're scared of big dogs, you need not apply.)

Do you enjoy going out to dinner?
Once in a while I don't mind going out. But when I do, I go to a sit-down place. Fast food is not my thing if I'm "going for supper with someone".

Do you have enormous boobs?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW... man-boobs. Just no, no and more no. I don't mind a bigger guy, but if your boobs are bigger than mine... *shudder* (the same goes for back hair... actually I'd take he-hooters over back hair any day. Especially if it's shoulder hair and back hair that forms a "hair vest".... *barf*)

Sunday, November 09, 2008

To The Flyer Leaving Fuck

I got your flyer when I got home from a rather enjoyable evening out and I just want to say thanks. Thanks for killing the good times. Honestly at this point I'm so mad I don't even really know what to say. I'd probably start with "How dare you?"
That's "how dare you?" as is how dare you leave your hate-filled bullshit in random stranger's mail boxes? How dare you print such filth? How dare you promote hate and MURDER? Just how fucking dare you?
Kill the homosexual!? Are you fucking serious? And then to QUOTE THE FUCKING BIBLE!? To take your own religion and twist it to fit your disgusting ideas and hatred? To use your God to promote violence and murder?
While you were reading that oh so sacred book of yours, did you just skip right over the whole "Thou shalt not kill" bit? Or how about the part that says "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone"? Or "Love thy neighbour as thyself"? Or "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise"? Did you miss those bits completely? Or did they just not work with your vision of how things aught to be? (Oh yeah, that's right. I can't play "quote the bible" too.)
How about this, you stay the fuck away from my house and I'll leave my baseball bat in the back room? Okay? Because if I ever catch you leaving that kind of shit in my mailbox again, you're going to get a taste of what the vengeance of the lord feels like. You self-righteous, religious abusing, bible tainting, hate mongering, fuckwad.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Oh Yeah, We're Mature

I seem to be getting along alright with everyone at the new job but I had started to think that the one chick, let's call her "Sara", didn't care for me so much. It seems that we really just had to break the ice. Now that the ice has been broken we can get on with childish giggling at, well, everything. For instance...
The day before yesterday we were packing up returns for the delivery guy to pick up and Sara walked over and stood beside me. When she just stood there and didn't say anything I looked over at her and waited.
She looked at me kinda funny and said "How much do you think your box weighs?" Then she snorted, trying to stifle a laugh.
"I really don't know." I said. "It's not something I've ever really thought about. How much do you think my box weighs?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe we should ask the delivery guy how much he thinks your box weighs."
It was at this point we both cracked up.
And then today...
We were checking in new stock and pricing it. Some isn't for sale until the 11th so we were setting it aside. I had a stack of CDs ready to go and Sara walked over and grabbed them.
"I'm just going to shove these in my box."
I almost fell over I was laughing so hard. I also had another stack of CDs ready.
"Do you want to shove these in your box too?"
"Yeah, I think I can fit them in my box."
"You certainly have got a lot in your box."
"I think I can fit a lot more in my box if I shift some things around."
"Well I've got this Willie Nelson CD."
"Just one Willie?"
"Do you think you can fit more than one Willie in your box?"
"Oh yeah, I think I could fit a bunch of Willies in my box. I want to set a world record for stuffing things in my box."
"You know, while you've been busy filling up your box, I've got my box almost empty."
"Oh yeah, my box is clean as a whistle."
"I hope to have my box cleaned out by Tuesday."
And once again we both cracked up.
It's good to be such mature, responsible adults.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Someone Needs To Check Your Dosage

Two weeks ago I started a new job at one of the local CD/DVD stores, which is super cool and all. But this store happens to be located right by a Tim Horton's (Timmy's, Tim's, Timmy Ho's, The Horton, whatever you want to call it - only real Canadians get it) and mostly because of the nearness of it I've been there nearly every day I've worked my new job.
Now as much as I hate to admit it because I know how fucking lazy it is, I normally just drive over (it's normally fast and a fuck of a lot easier when I'm also picking up orders for two or three other people - besides, fuck you). There seems to be a few people who work the Tim's drive-thru regularly so I've gotten to recognize them. One in particular is Jade.
Oh, Jade...
It all began last week when I pulled up to the drive-thru, ordered my carrot-wheat muffin and extra large steeped tea with three sugars and handed Jade my debit card (I don't often carry real money, so sue me) and she went all Leeroy Jenkins on me. "DEBIIIIIIIIIIT!?" She actually shouted it out the window. This was even more amusing because Jade happens to be a rather petit asian woman. I seriously though my eye balls were going to pop right out of my head from stifling my laugh. It was just so fucking insane and hilarious. But I figured she was just in a weird mood.
Then the yesterday one of the girls from work (let's call her "Amber") and I decided we needed to make a run to Tim's. So we hopped in the car (see, she's lazy too) and headed over. When we got to the order box, some crusty Tim's bitch who informed me that their debit was down so there was nothing they could do for me. So me and Amber drove to shoppers and I got some cash, then back to Tim's.
This time around there's not a word about the debit being down, which is fucking stupid as we'd only been gone five minutes. But whatever, I was hungry, in need of tea and Amber was getting antsy. So I start my order...
"I'd like an extra large steeped tea and two hashbrowns..." but Tim's bitch cuts me off.
"We stopped serving breakfast."
Oh my, you're right. It's two minutes after 11 because I had to drive to shoppers to get cash because your debit was down. Amber scrambles to pick something else.
"Okay, then give me a raspberry doughnut..." Tim's bitch cuts me off again.
"Raspberry filled?"
"Yes please."
"That's everything?"
"No, I also need a chocolate milk and a carrot muffin."
She barks the price at me and I drive up to the window while Amber and I laugh about how crusty the help is getting. Jade is waiting. "We're out of carrot muffins, would you like something else?"
Damnit. I wanted a muffin. But I'm too hungry to be pouty. "Um, I guess I'll have a whole wheat bagel then."
Amber suddenly has an attack of buyer's remorse and changes her mind about the doughnut. "And can I switch the doughnut to a chocolate chip muffin?"
Jade goes to get the new order. Amber and I chat and joke around while she's gone. She comes back to tell us they're out of chocolate chip muffins. By this time the whole trip has become such an ordeal that we're cracking up.
"Can I just have a raspberry muffin then?"
"That's your final order then? No more changes?" Jade asks, getting huffy.
"Yeah, that's perfect."
Jade comes back with the muffin, chocolate milk and my tea.
"Can I have three sugars and an extra cup please?"
The window slams shut and Amber makes some comment that has us both laughing (it was in regards to being honked at in a drive-thru). When Jade pokes her head out again we're still laughing.
"You guys are having enough fun then!" She snaps and THROWS two packets of sugar at me.
I kind of sat there, stunned and then Amber speaks up "Did she just throw sugar at you?" Which just makes me laugh.
"I still need my bagel!" I call to Jade. Finally she comes back and shoves the bagel in to my hands.
We drove off and as we're pulling up at work Amber looks at me and says "You asked for three sugars, didn't you? And did she give you a stir stick?"
"I have a sugar packet in my purse and there is no way in hell I'm going back to ask for a stir stick. I'm pretty sure she'd kill me."

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

From me To You 26

- Being in pain is no excuse for being a pain in the ass. My ability to feel bad for you is significantly decreased when you're being a bitch.

- If you think that cracking the whip and coming down hard on people is the best way to lead them and to get them to follow orders, you're an idiot. An idiot who's going to get their ass handed to them by a large group of angry people that don't like being treated like shit.

- If you have to change everything about how you conduct yourself to impress someone chances are that you're not going to be able to impress them anyway or you really aren't good enough. Either way, you're going to go down in flames so you might as well have fun along the way. Maybe if you loosen up they won't think you're a total ass-hat.

- If you have a problem with me, here's an exciting new approach - TELL ME. Don't tell someone else. Funny thing about coming and talking directly to me, shit gets sorted almost immediately. Oh and just FYI, if you do tell someone else and they tell me, chances are damned good I'm going to talk to you about it. So you won't escape me anyway and I'll be annoyed that I had to go through all this just to hear that you were upset about something stupid.

- Yes, I am like this all the time.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Once again, it's my favourite day of the whole year and I get to spend the entire thing at work. *Sigh* So please, everyone, have a good time and have a little extra on my behalf. Maybe think of me for a bit. If you're in town, drop in and say hi. Bring me some candy.
At least I got to carve my three pumpkins (pictures soon).
Oh, and here's a song to celebrate.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Happy Gwenhwyfar Day!

Over the years I've been blogging I've managed to make some awesome friends (along with some weird ones... actually most of them are both) and gain a few readers. I've been a radio guest and a guest blogger. I've gotten my share of comments and what-not. All this is nice. But today was a little different.
Somehow I ended up being the subject of two separate blog posts, which made my morning blog rounds a rather interesting trip. It also made it clear that my plan to slowly but surely take over the world is well on its way. It all begins with the adoration of a few and soon it will build.
So in honour of me and my obvious amazingness I am claiming today. From now on let today be known as International Gwenhwyfar Day!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Honest, I'm Not Dead

I just got a new job and October is just one of those months where I'm always insanely busy. I promise I will try to post something more substantial in the next couple of days. But for now, here's a meme I stole from Ted.

Go to and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you.

1) Your name?
1. gwen: adj. describing an attractive female

2) Your age?
1. 24: 24, The Jack Bauer Power Hour. The most entertainment you can stuff into a single day. Full of twists, turns, violence, and Elisha Cuthbert.

3) One of your friends.
1. robin: a shy person when you first meet them but then opens up to be a real character. they are usually fun to talk to.

4) What should you be doing?
1. sleep: You have been awake for 18 hours and are now viewing this useless definition of sleep. You are very tired and your brain is not functioning at its normal capacity. The bags under your eyes are starting to weigh you down. It's 1:30am and you have to get up at 6:30am for work. Another coffee wont help you now...

5) Favorite color?
1. green: yes... it is most definitely referring to the marijuana... and also, upon occassion, any substance with similar uses. too, properly, of course, it is a golfing term, but that;s really not very much fun, now is it?

6) Birthplace?
6. Regina : Scottish slang used to describe a situation of rage or anger.

7) Month of your birthday?
1. may: cool; sexy; hot

8) Last person you talked to?
1. travis: hottest guy ever!!!! usually used for sexual pleasure, but not in this case.

9) Your nickname?
1. Pita Bread: Money that was a Pain In The Ass to earn.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Not In Today

Hi, I'm not in right now. You can leave a message or you can go to The Road Less Unraveled.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I Will Rule You All With An Iron Fist

I just thought I'd all let you know that I've decided to run for president.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Top Ten: Trek Edition

If you all haven't worked it out yet, I'm a giant nerd and a huge Star Trek fan. That doesn't mean that I don't have issues with the show. Actually I think an integral part of being a Star Trek fan is having issues with things about the show. It means you're a big enough geek to start thinking about things enough to take issue with them and to form an opinion.
My biggest issue with any of the shows is that, for as good as much of the make-up was (even TOS was good for the time and the budget), some of it was just downright painful. It actually makes me want to hunt down the make-up artist and hit them. Worse than that, it distracts me from enjoying perfectly good episodes.
So here are my Top Ten Worst Star Trek Make-Ups

#10: Bolians

This may or may not be because I fucking HATE Mr. Mot. He doesn't show up often but when he does I just want to punch him in his silly blue divided face. GAH!

#9: Cheron natives

I know that this make-up is on a whole different level than the rest on this list, simply because it's so... oh god, I don't even know what this is. But let me explain that it's not even the make-up that gets me crazy. I mean, it's Frank Gorshin for fuck sakes. How could I hate Frank? In anything? It's just that this make-up is entirely too "Star-bellied Sneetches" and such a painfully obvious allegory the whole thing is just kind of painful.

#8: Tyrans

Am I the only one who thinks it looks kind of like she has a vagina on her face? I dunno. But it bothers the shit out of me every time I see it. Not because it looks like a vagina, but because it's so fucking distracting.

#7: Talosians

I know that from this picture you can't tell, but the back of their heads look like asses. Giant, pulsating asses. With gross veins. You can't tell me someone didn't notice that before they shot the episode. You just know there was one guy on set who burst out laughing and everyone was like "What? What's so funny, Bob?" and he had to try and stifle his laughter and pretend it was nothing. He probably said he was thinking of something he'd seen on TV the night before.

#6: Cardassian

Otherwise known as the Spoonheads. I have never liked this make-up. Ever. But Gul Ocett here is laughably bad. Her make-up is the kind of bad that makes grown make-up artists weep.

#5: Selay (tie)

When are the writers and make-up artists on Star Trek going to realize that they'll never be able to pull off a believable reptile make-up. Years after the Gorn shittied up TOS, the Selay showed up, large as life and twice as shitty for TNG. Jesus Christ on a cracker!

#5: Anitcans (tie)

Anitcans tie for the #5 spot because I honestly can't decide which of these I hate more and because they happened to appear on the same episode. From the look of them I would suspect they evolved from the chinese crested.

#4: Tilonians

I don't think I can even begin to put into words how much I hate this make-up. I don't know who sculpted this prosthetic, but it looks like something a five year old would have come up with. I really don't even have words for this. It hurts my soul.

#3: Gorn

Okay, I swear I'm not trying to pick on TOS. But the Gorn gripe my ass something awful every fucking time I watch "Arena". I mean, the episode itself is one of my least favourites, but a big part of it is this fucking make-up. Between his disco ball eyes, his ill-fitting rubber muscles, his non-functional mouth, his stupid sparkly Tarzan outfit and that goddamned hissing-gurgling noise he makes, this has got to be one of the most ridiculous aliens to ever grace the Star Trek universe. The worst part is that we're supposed to believe this slow moving, silly looking, dip shit is scary.

#2: Andorians

These goofy bastards are a constant source of annoyance. Don't even try to blame these on the times either. This picture is from TOS, yes but the Andorians have shown up later on in other series and they're still a bunch of goofy fucking bastards. I'm not sure what bugs me more, the stupid ass blue skin or the fucking antennae. In fact, I think I actually hate the newer version more than the old version.

#1: Antedeans

Holy hell! Where to start? I really don't know. This is by far and away the worst Star Trek alien EVER. Everything about them is wrong. EVERYTHING. Even their outfits. People often complain that too many of the Trek aliens just had some weird shit on their foreheads or their noses but if this is an example of what happens when they go all the way, then by all means, carry on with the forehead and nose mods. Please. For the love of god. For my sake.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

I Got Nothin'

Sweet zombie Jesus, I'm bored. Really, painfully, mind-numbingly, soul crushingly BORED. It really doesn't help that the last couple of days have been grey. Dull, shitty, drizzly, windy as fuck and grey. Who has the energy to do anything when the weather is like this? No one. That's who.
I know that I have a lot coming up fairly soon that's going to have me insanely busy and I should just shut the fuck up and enjoy the lull while I can. But, god-fucking-damnit! I HATE being bored!
So, anyone got any ideas? Anything? I'm fading fast here.

(Also, I've been going over my idea for an old-timey radio murder mystery for Blog Talk Radio again. I still think it would be tons of fun. Is anyone interested? For reals?)

Saturday, October 04, 2008

More Shit I Stole From Other Blogs

I totally stole this from Vulgar Wizard because stealin' is fun!

1. My uncle once: got a soup ladle full of chili stuck in his mouth

2. Never in my life: have I eaten a kitchen sponge

3. When I was five: Pluto was a planet

4. High school was: a colossal waste of time

5. I will never forget: that you still owe me $50

6. Once I met: the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Nice guys actually, we still do coffee once a week.

7. There’s this girl I know: who bears a striking resemblance to Jack Klugman

8. Once, at a bar: I got the shittiest service ever from a waitress that looked like Sinead O'Connor

9. By noon, I’m usually: not dressed yet

10. Last night: I should have gone to bed earlier

11. If only I had: a life

12. Next time I go to church: I'll have to remember to take my iPod

13. What worries me most: is what the comments on YouTube says about us as a society

14. When I turn my head left I see: Jim

15. When I turn my head right I see: John

16. You know I’m lying when: I'm not vertical but horizontal

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: saturday morning cartoons

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: in one of those plays nobody talks about

19. By this time next year: I'd better have more money

20. A better name for me would be: Edgar

21. I have a hard time understanding: how no one could see that Clark Kent was Superman

22. If I ever go back to school: it had better not be a waste of time

23. You know I like you if: I ask you for your opinion

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: The academy. You have to remember to thank them.

25. Take my advice: if someone tells you something is hot and not to touch it, it's best to just believe them

26. My ideal breakfast is: made by someone else

27. A song I love but do not have is: ... If I loves it, I gets it. Duh.

28. If you visit my hometown: be sure to stop in and say hello, you jerk

29. Why won’t people: just go away or failing that, give me money?

30. If you spend a night at my house: don't worry, I have handcuffs and a ball-gag

31. I’d stop my wedding so: I could figure out exactly how the fuck I ended up engaged in the first place

32. The world could do without: your attitude, mister

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: touch a moth

34. My favorite blonde is: a dog

35. Paper clips are more useful than: most library regulars

36. If I do anything well it’s: a total fluke

37. I can’t help but: wonder why I'm still doing this meme

38. I usually cry: wolf

39. My advice to my child: if you can't beat them, pay someone to have them beaten

40. And by the way: those pants make your ass look huge

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Oh For The Love Of...

Can I just ask you all a question? Because I'm dying to know. What the fuck is wrong with some people? And why do those people always come to the library? I'm really at a loss.
If you hadn't guessed already, I had to work tonight. As most Thursday nights go, it was slow and coupled with the fact that we've shown both the movies before, it was fucking painful. So I wasted as much time as I could and then ended up sitting in on the second movie. (I hadn't seen it and it was actually well worth it.)
After the show I checked the theatre, closed up and got ready to head home. But before I left I stopped in the washroom. Now the staff washroom is on the other side of two locked doors and, frankly, not worth the hassle if you're in a rush to go home so I just used the public washroom.
When will I ever learn?
Now I'm sure your choice of bathroom stall says lots about you, but for me I almost always go for the first stall. I don't know why. Laziness probably. Why walk to the other end if I don't have to? So that's the one I went to this evening. I pushed open the stall door and stopped. Like screeching halt, red-alert, iceberg dead ahead, kind of stopped.
(This is the part where you can imagine the Psycho shower stabbing-type music.)
Smeared across the inside of the open lid and mushed between the lid and the seat was a hefty piece of shit. I'm not talking about a little tiny streak, I'm talking a mashed up log.
At this point I ran to another stall. After which I washed my hands. Thoroughly. Then told the projectionist about the problem. I mean, wouldn't you? And he, of course, told maintenance. The maintenance guy came to take a look.
His description?
"Looks like peanut butter!"
Oh yeah, all class.
He also decided to leave it for the morning guy.
Me? I left. Quickly. That is sooooooo not my job.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

These Are My (Someecards) Confessions

So here's the deal, I went to someecards and found five cards to confess with.

Monday, September 29, 2008

One Take Super 8

So today I officially signed up for this year's One Take Super 8 event. Which means in the next month I will be shooting a three minute silent film that will be aired in the festival. I'm not saying it's going to be good but it'll definitely be something. It's also free to come see the show, so if you're in town on Nov. 6 be sure to check it out.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Vintage Cockbook

Is it just me or does it look like this book might contain a recipe for fish flavoured cock?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Captain Dan & the Scurvy Crew

Honest folks, I can't make this kind of shit up. I wish I could. I don't know that it'd make me rich, but at least I'd keep myself amused forever.
Captain Dan & the Scurvy Crew are a hip hop group that, you guessed it, sings Pirate Hip Hop. Their CD is called Rhymes of the Hip Hop Mariners which, in my opinion, is about the awesomest thing EVER.
To be honest, I'm not a Hip Hop fan (surprise, surprise). But combine it with something I love a lot, say... Pirates, and suddenly you've got something infinitely better than the original. So good, in fact, that I want it (for no other reason than to say that I own it and to get a good laugh).
Now that you're aware of this I'm sure the next gift giving-type holiday will be a breeze for you. You can get me a copy and, hell, get one for everyone you know. It's the perfect gift. Unless everyone you know happen to be ninjas. Trust me, they won't want this.

*Honestly, you have to listen to their tracks and read some of the comments. This shit is fucking priceless.

From Me To You 25

It's hard to believe that I've done twenty-five of these already. They grow up so fast don't they?

- If you're going to go to the trouble to drive an hour out of town just to take pictures (especially when gas prices are at an all time high) be sure to charge your batteries before you go. Even if you're sure they'll be fine. Or at least bring spares. Just in case.

- Newton's Laws of Motion seems to explain most cat behaviour. Or maybe that should be the other way around.

- There is a very fine line between being a realist and being a cynic.

- If you actually think you need a "life coach" to achieve your goals, make decisions, live your life the way you want, you are too stupid to actually deserve those things. If you really want to throw money away that badly you could at least be doing something useful like, oh I don't know, donating it to a fucking charity or the poor or to me. Jesus Christ on a cracker!

- There are few things more unattractive than being a fucking militant. About anything. Religion, politics, dietary choices, environmentalism, it doesn't matter. You're actually giving your cause a bad name and pushing people the other way. Here's a tip, do the research, get all the facts, put together an intelligent argument and present it at appropriate times in a calm, collected, rational manner. You'll get a lot more people listening and a fuck load more respect. Trust me.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Alien Life Form? Are You Sure?

I'm stealing a page from the book of Janna today as I'm feeling lazy and uncreative. So here is a list of 10 things ALF could stand for.

1. Anal Lube Formula
2. Alabama Llama Farm
3. Angry Lizard Fights
4. Abraham Lincoln Farted
5. Ask Laurence Fishburne
6. Annoying Lazy Freaks
7. Artichoke Leaf Fever
8. Aspic Lovers Foundation
9. Alan Ladd Forever
10. Acrid Left-over Fumes

Back Again

Sorry all, I know it's been almost two weeks with nothing at all from me. But to be honest, I really needed some time. As I keep telling people around here (here being what goes on in my "real life") it's nothing specific, it's nothing I can point to and say "that's what's wrong" and it's nothing anyone can fix. It's just the way I am and it takes time for me to get past bad patches. Right now I'm feeling much better and getting back to abnormal. So, thanks for understanding, those that do and those that don't can't go fuck ourselves. Cool? Cool.
Anyway, I'm hoping we can get back to our regularly scheduled insanity now. Enjoy!

Monday, September 08, 2008

It Must Be Some Horrible Mistake

It's not possible that I'm actually a grown up. It's a lie and I'll be found out as a fraud any day now, I know it. But I just can't explain away what happened yesterday. I can't do it and be a kid at the same time, can I? Unless I'm some kind of amazing adult/kid hybrid! That would be cool!
Wait... you want to know what happened yesterday? I guess I should explain.
I did some work for a friend of the family, folding folders (which is actually less fun than it sounds). I also got paid for doing all this. Not a huge amount, but enough for me to pay for the tattoo I've been planning on getting or buying a lot of fun shit. But did I do anything of the sort? No. No I did not.
It pains me to say it, but I took every last cent and I paid off my credit card and all of my bills. As much as that pains me, it pains me even more to say that I was actually, literally, totally, excited about paying off all my bills. Especially that fucking credit card.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go change in to some jammies, eat some incredibly sugary cereal while I watch cartoons.

Friday, September 05, 2008


I've been having a really bad couple of weeks and I haven't been in the head space for posting. Hopefully this will change very, very soon.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

I have never been a fan of Death Cab For Cutie. Then the other night I was looking around the iTunes store and ended up in the "just for you" section or whatever the hell it's called, flipping through the samples they had up. I found a couple of things I liked but when I hit this one I actually stopped and played it again. Then I got it and listened to the whole thing. Then I listened to it again. I don't know what else to say except I love it.

Monday, September 01, 2008

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

No, not back to school and definitely not Christmas. No folks, it's officially time for the stores to start putting out the Halloween stuff! Yay! I personally start the countdown to Halloween on Nov. 1st, but for the stores and, well, most people now is the time to start thinking about costumes and decorations and what-not. (It's also the time, by the way, that it's best to do most of your Christmas shopping for me. Actually, you could probably just stock up on presents for me for any gift requiring holiday throughout the year. So long as you understand the difference between "cool" halloween stuff and "childish"/"tacky" halloween stuff.)
So in honour of this most festive time of year, I've been doing what I always do. Buying more shit for my house. Today I bought this guy.

He found a very happy home along with a few other things I have hanging in my living room. (Living room? Honestly, I need to start calling it something else. It's full of coffins, scythes and skulls.)

I should become an interior decorator. I fucking rock at this shit.

*I've also added a countdown at the bottom of the page.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Happy Blogiversary To Me

Who knew that when I started writing this garbage it would last three years? Not me, that's for damn sure. But here we are, three years older and wiser, well... older anyway and still going strong. Hopefully I've at least made a few people laugh and that you've enjoyed yourselves so far. Please feel free to send money, gifts, cards, etc.
I would also like to take this opportunity to announce the launch of a new site, not to replace this one, not at all but to join it. So I hope you'll all help me give a warm welcome to The Gwenhwyfar Letters.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Why Yes, I Am Still Here

Honestly, I'm starting to think my internet use is becoming a problem. I go offline for a week and I have people immediately assuming I'm dead. What does that say about me?
Really I just had too much to do to get near the computer lately. Not that any of what I had to do was interesting, it was just keeping me busy and paying me money. Oddly enough, the internet never pays me to stay online. Personally I think it should, but the last time I brought that up we got in to this huge fight and everyone said things they didn't really mean. We didn't talk for a while but eventually we went for coffee, we cried and hugged and made up, so I think it's best not to bring it up again. Right?
So just a quick catch up...

- My eye has healed completely, without any scarring. Part of me is a little disappointed. I mean, it made me look pretty bad ass.

- Somehow I ended up driving my friend to the airport so she could go to Australia for two months, letting her park her car at my house while she's gone and agreed to be a contact for the lady who is feeding her cats. I strongly considered knocking her out, stealing her ID and taking her trip instead.

- Tonight I'm heading to Mozart in the Meadow with my grandmother because that's what all the cool people are doing these days.

- For the better part of the last week I've been working for my mom's friend taping and folding folders. This somehow manages to be even less fun than it sounds. The only up sides are a) getting paid for helping and b) there's a TV and Wed. was a full day of Edward G. Robinson on TCM.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Dear Yahtzee,

Or is it Ben? Or Mr. Croshaw? Does it really matter?
I wanted to drop you a quick line to tell you that I love you. I love you in a way that only a bitchy canadian blogger can love a fast talking, angry british game reviewer. Please don't ever stop ranting, it's just so damned sexy.



Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sweet What?

I was over at the consumerist going through their many many stories of consumer lameness when I came across a letter one man had written about McDonald's bullshit drink policy. Now as interesting as the overall story was I couldn't help but be distracted. The guy kept referring to "Sweet tea".
I went out on a limb and assumed that "sweet tea" is the same as ice tea, but is that assumption correct? Is it some kind of american thing? Who the fuck calls it "sweet tea"? Is there no such thing as ice tea in this bizarro world of "sweet tea"? I'm so confused!

Monday, August 04, 2008

I Wasn't Even Pretending To Be A Ghost

My cat is special. The kind of special that would have him wearing a helmet and taking the little yellow bus to school if he wear a person. He is also afraid of a ridiculous array of things. Like oven mitts for example. So for the most part, nothing much surprises me any more but last night he managed to shock me.
I got new sheets for my bed. They're nothing fancy, just white sheets with red and orange stripes. So I striped down the bed and threw my other sheets in the wash, remade the bed, no problem. Right?
Apparently my cat is TERRIFIED of my new sheets. He would stand on the blanket on my bed but when I set him on the actual sheets he jumped like I set him on a hot burner and freaked. It was hilariously funny until he spazzed and clawed my arm and face.
I actually had to take the sheets off the bed and replace them with my old sheets to get him to calm down. And even then it took some convincing to get him to understand that the evil sheets were gone and the bed was once again safe for kitties. I washed the new sheets last night in the hopes that it might just be because they still smell weird or something. I haven't gotten a chance to try them out again, so I'll keep you updated.
I should also mention that just to check and make sure that there wasn't something horribly wrong with the sheets (like they were covered in Cat Repellent Bat-Spray) I went and got my other cat. When I set him on the sheets he looked at the sheets, then at me and meowed indignantly for having woken him up for something as stupid as checking the sheets. So I'm going to have to assume that my other cat is out of his tiny little mind.
Finally, I wanted to point out that when I say he clawed my face, I really mean he clawed my face.

This better not scar or everyone is going to know that I really am the evil twin.

Flavour Of The Week

Normally when people use the term "Flavour* of the Week" they're either talking about ice cream or someone's habit of getting themselves new arm candy every other week. While both of those are fine, for me it's usually in reference to words.
I get stuck on a word for a while, until it either gets worn out or I find something I like better. I also get a perverse pleasure when I notice that I've gotten my friends to start using my word**. I imagine it's a bit like Dr. Frankenstein seeing his creation come to life, the power he wields over life and death.
Okay, maybe that's taking it a bit far (although I would really love to have an excuse to yell "it's alive" in that deliciously over the top kind of way).
But for now my "Flavour of the Week" is Fucktarded.

*I fucking hate spellcheck giving me a fucking head trip about spelling things the proper way. Fuck you, american spellcheck. It IS spelled with a "u".

**By "my word" I don't necessarily mean I made them up, just that I've claimed them. So there.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Let me start by saying I'm sorry that I haven't been around at all this week. I suck. I know. Boo-urns to me. But between my brother's birthday, a whole lot of personal badness, buying a car and everything else that's been crammed in I just haven't had the time or the energy. I couldn't even work myself in to a decent rant and that is really saying something.
Oh yeah, that's right. I bought a car! For the first time in nearly a decade I am once again a car owner. *squee!*
Everyone, say hello to my new pimp-mobile Marcus!

Isn't he lovely? Yeah, yeah, I know. shut-up. He's mine and that's all that matters.

P.S. Fuck You

I quit my job today. Well, one of them. I couldn't be happier.
Seems that it's not all that hard to push me past my breaking point. Especially for the pay I was getting there. All you really have to do is staff the building almost entirely with idiots and incompetents, get the day staff to do the cleaner's job, cancel shifts without informing people, treat the staff like shit, hire three extra people and cut everyone down to one shift a week.
I left a very short, polite note and my keys on the desk and I plan on never setting foot in that shit hole again. I didn't bother leaving an explanation either because I didn't have the time for that long of a list. So to make up for it, here is a resignation letter worth leaving.

I've decided to quit this bullshit job because your incompetence gives me a migraine, L___ is a useless bitch and this place is going right down the shitter. That is of course on top of the fact that the number of disgusting jobs and mind-numbing stupidity I'm asked to deal with seems to be increasing every time I walk through the door.
To be fair tho, can you really blame me? You were the one, after all, who cut me back to ONE three hour shift A WEEK. I mean, I understand. You did hire all those extra people as we were moving in to our slow season. (Really clever move, by the way.) But you can't blame me for being an annoyed little peon any more than I can blame you for being completely unfettered by managerial sense, right?
Now because I am a fucking sweetheart and because I know of at least one person who was ready to follow me on my way out (and I can guess at several more who wouldn't need much convincing), I'd like to offer you some advice, a few suggestions, that sort of thing. Mmm-kay?
First, even during the "busy" season, the place runs find with three people. So kicking off the slow season by hiring three more people makes absolutely no sense. This is one of those things that means a MAJOR FUCKING CUTBACK IN HOURS. Somehow that always seems to make people just a teensy bit upset.
Second, giving extra shifts to the person who has told you that they want less and less work to the person who has told you they need as much as they can get - not a good plan. Generally people say what they mean when it comes to this sort of thing. Trust me on this one, you're pissing both of those people off. A lot.
Third, spend a little time learning the difference between day staff and the night cleaners. Then check what each are doing. If the cleaners aren't cleaning and the day staff is, you have a problem. A big one. Fix it.
Fourth, the recycling depot sorts everything for you. There is NO reason why the day staff should be asked to sort sticky, putrid, rotting recycling. Especially if you're not even going to have the decency to get some rubber gloves.
Fifth, training, training, training. I cannot stress this enough. If something changes or a new procedure is introduced you actually have to train the staff to handle it. Written instructions, by the way, are fine and dandy ONLY when they are written in a way that can be understood. You know, by people who speak english and not whatever jibberish it is that you seem to be writing them in. Maybe from now on you could have them proof read by several people to make sure that they are easily understood. Hmmm?
Sixth, insisting that the staff member closing up late at night (that would be ONE person) go around alone to make sure (and I quote) "no crazy people got in and are hiding somewhere" in a dangerous area of town is probably not so smart. Oh and when someone asks what to do in the event that a crazy person is actually hiding in the basement somewhere, it's probably best not to answer "Um... run." Yeah. Just a thought. Also, just a heads up, when people feel a job is unsafe they'll probably just skip it.
Seventh, GET A FUCKING CASH REGISTER. I can't even imagine how long people were fucking up the cash-out before I came along and pointed it out. Do you have any fucking clue how much easier it would be if you had a fucking cash register? I mean, come on! This is a basic item that businesses should have. Fork out the hundred odd dollars to get one. I shouldn't even have to say this one, fuck. (Also, you'll note that the instructions I wrote are actually understandable, easy to follow and only one page long. Amazing, I know. What can I say? It's a skill.)
You know what, I could probably go on forever. There are just too many things. But these ones are the biggest problems I can think of right now. The more I think about them, the more my head hurts. So let me just say take this as a starting point and work from there. If you need any help with fixing the rest of the bullshit, don't call. I don't want to hear about it. Figure it out, you fucktard. That's your job. (Actually, please expand that to "don't call me ever, for any reason. From hear on out I'm going to choose to believe you're dead.")



Monday, July 21, 2008

A Few Things

Sometimes a few things can add up to make a day worth getting out of bed for.
For instance, today I had myself a delicious waffle sandwich (that's a sandwich made with two waffles instead of bread) which I've discovered is one of the greatest things ever. Then I checked the mail to find that I had received my very first free book from Mini Book Expo (for bloggers). Let me tell you, no matter how old I get few things make me as giddy as getting parcels in the mail. (Actually I'm getting to the age where I'm just happy when there's something in the mail box aside from flyers and bills.) After that I spent most of my day sitting on the couch reading. And finally to top it all off, this afternoon I should be heading over to finalize buying a car. (It certainly nothing fancy, by which I mean it's a sardine can on wheels, but it will be mine, ALL MINE!)
All in all, not a bad day.

Dear Heath Ledger,

Since communication with you has become... well, difficult, I thought I'd write. There are a few things I wanted to say.
First, I should start by saying I was never a fan of yours. That sounds harsh but it's true and I don't want to lie to you. I hated your movies and I've never fallen for "the pretty boy" thing. You and Orlando and all the pretty boys that came before you make me want to wretch. As much as I know that guys like you end up being stuck in the same vapid, shallow, teeny-bopper roles in the same dime-a-dozen bullshit movies over and over again, I still can't work up much sympathy.
Second, A Knight's Tale was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I don't care what the screaming fan-girls say, it made me envious of Helen Keller. Also, I have not seen Brokeback Mountain. I probably will someday but I can't comment on any of your work in that film because after all the hype and bullshit surrounding it, I just couldn't bring myself to jump on the bandwagon.
And third, when I read the announcement that you'd been cast as the Joker I actually cried. I've been a fan of Batman forever and the Joker is my all time, hands down, no contest, favourite bad guy of all time. While, as previously stated, I'm not a fan of yours. So as the time grew near for the new Batman to hit theaters, my worry grew. (It certainly didn't help matters that the last Batman movie was a disappointment and Christian Bale rates almost as high with me as you do.)
Well, I saw Dark Knight.
I'm not going to take back everything I said before now. I'm not going to tell you that it wiped clean all that I hated before. I'm not because it's not true. What I will say though is this, you surprised me in a very good way. While there are still things about the movie that I wasn't really excited about and I still have a few complaints, none of them are very serious.
Your Joker was almost everything people had said it was. It was dark and maniacal, twisted and not a little over the top. It was everything the Joker should be. I walked away with an appreciation for your performance and the doubt that had welled up inside was relieved. I must say though, it was replaced with a lot of annoyance because I can't help but thinking that if you'd been pulling off shit like this all along I would never have gotten to hate you so much.
Anyway, I know this hasn't been the most complimentary letter but accept it for what it is, especially coming from someone who would actually avoid movies just because you were in them. Kudos, dude, you've impressed me which in and of itself is impressive.



Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm Really Starting To Think...

That if self-esteem were water, I wouldn't have enough to fill a thimble.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

In Your Face, Robin

The Caffeine Click Test - How Caffeinated Are You?
OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets
The scary thing? I haven't had any coffee today (although I always have delusions of godlike power).

Waffle Time!

Last night I was watching TV and I came to the conclusion that I needed a waffle. Why a waffle? I have no idea. Luckily for me however, I have a waffle iron, I found a decent recipe for waffles and I actually had ALL the stuff I needed. So at 9pm I made waffle batter. (I'm one of those weirdos who actually has to make them from scratch because frozen store bought waffles are disgusting.) While I made waffles I learned three very important things.

1. Vanilla soy milk works really well in waffle batter and it makes the waffles kind of sweet.

2. I ALWAYS over fill the first batch of waffles. You'd think I'd learn.

3. My waffle iron makes farting noises which make me giggle like a small child. I am just too mature for words.

I also had to make all of the batter which made more waffles than any one person should ever eat in a single sitting, so now I have tasty waffles in my freezer I can have any time. In fact, I had peanut butter and jam waffle for breakfast instead of toast. Sometimes it's good to be me.
Oh and I was watching Scrubs while I ate breakfast and I happened to be watching an episode that starts off with John C. McGinley singing a happy little song (John C. being the #1 reason I watch Scrubs, it made me giddy**). Now you can enjoy it too!

**Bet you would never have guessed that Dr. Cox is MY favourite character, eh?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

This Post Has Nothing To Do With Dinosaurs

It mostly has to do with me pimping other sites for no real reason other than boredom. That and if other people go to use these sites they will be less likely to go tits up so I can continue enjoying them. Then everyone wins, right?
Anyway, if you were a fan of MST3K you simply must go to Riff Trax. Go now, spend a few dollars, laugh your ass off. Jurassic Park is by far the best one I've seen so far. (Damn, now the title of this post is a lie!) If you weren't a fan of MST3K, what the fuck are you doing here? Go away and come back when you've grown a sense of humour.
Next up and I was really hesitant to share this because I don't want every book I'm interested in being stolen away from me (I know what you fucking jackals are like) is Mini Book Expo (for bloggers). A site where they give you free books in exchange for your review of the books. FREE BOOKS! I think those are my two favourite words. (If any of you get your hands on I (heart) Geeks I would love to get a look at it when you're done.)
And last but certainly not least, Robin has been having a bad week. Please be sure to stop by and tell her just how lovely and wonderful she is. Because sometimes you just need a hug or at very least, someone to say nice things about you and type "HUGZ!"

Monday, July 14, 2008

Biggest Regrets

I found this video on Boing Boing today. It just kind of fit with a lot I've been thinking about lately and a very long talk I had with a friend of mine. It just kind of fits and though I'm not sure how to feel about it, it moved me. Maybe that's a good thing.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Like Some Sick Twisted Joke

I work in a library. You know those places, filled with literature, promoting literacy, really into learning, that sort of thing. A place where proper english rules with an iron fist, grammar is key and spelling, a god. At least that's what I, along with many others I would imagine, have been led to believe. I tell you friends, it is a fucking lie.
Tonight I almost wept went I saw the new poster the library made up to promote a reading program for young adults. It says (and by God I wish I was making this up) "Read Ny Gud Bux L8ly?"**
How is it possible that this got approved!? HOW!? I know I've gone off on rants about that kind of bullshit internet texting lingo before but this... THIS I can't find words for. It's just so wrong on so many levels.
First, as previously stated, the library is all about promoting LITERACY. So why the fuck are they suddenly encouraging this borderline illiterate asinine shit? The library is an institution that is meant to be looked up to. It's a place where people come to seek information. It's not a place that should be talking down to children or dumbing things down for people. (The terrifying thought is that one day these half-wit little bastards will be not only caring for you in your old age, but running the fucking country. I expect any day now we'll start passing laws that end in "Srsly not want".)
Second, this is about equal to your mother suddenly wearing daisy dukes, dying her hair purple and asking you if you want to go to the "rock and roll concert". You shuddered, right? Yeah, me too. Because it's gross and sad and the complete opposite of cool. The library is not the nerdy girl in the movies who takes off her glasses and lets down her hair to reveal that she's actually wicked hot. No. The library is the nerdy girl you went to school with, the one with the massive overbite, dental appliance, lazy eye, an almost psychotic love of algebra and who always smelt of cheese. No amount of "hip talk" is going to change that.
Third, since when did we start encouraging bad habits in youth? Are we all going to suddenly start chewing with our mouths open, picking our noses, give up on washing our hands, etc. because the kids are doing it so it must be cool? Because, silly me, I always thought that as adults we were meant to stand as a good example and to lead the way, not follow the example of every thirteen year old with the IQ of a hamster. (Although this would explain how movies like Norbit ever got the green light.)
And fourth, when the fuck did we become so fucking lazy that we can't be bothered to write a whole fucking word? WHEN!? When did people start getting half way through a word and saying "Fuck me, this writing shit takes too much effort."? I mean, for fuck sakes, you're not even WRITING with a pen and paper. You're typing! Is hitting a few extra keys really that taxing? If we've really gotten to the point as a species where, from here on out, people are actually too lazy to type I think we ought to just starting killing ourselves en masse. Because we're only about three generations away from becoming completely immobile mountains of Jabba the Hutt-esque lard who do nothing but eat processed cheese product and watch reality TV.
Sweet titty fucking Christ.
Taking it too far? Maybe. Getting worked up over nothing? Possibly. A little insane? A given.
It's my blog, fuck you.

**Blogger spellcheck almost had an aneurism over that.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

10 Signs That I Might Be A Fanboy

Well, fangirl. Close enough.
Recently I had someone over to my house who was seeing it for the first time. Their comment was something along the lines of my house being what he expected and a fairly typical Fanboy kind of house. Now I like a lot of weird shit and I have collectables (also known as "junk") but I would never have come right out and classed myself in with THAT group. It did however get me thinking.

1. One of my most prized possessions is a Franklin mint model of the NCC-1701.

2. One of the best presents I've ever received - The red Swingline stapler from Office Space.

3. There are collectables from at least ten different movies and shows in my living room alone.

4. This has been the background on my computer for about four months already. Before that, it was this.

5. My last three Facebook status updates have been obscure references that no one should get, really.

6. Some people collect stamps. I collect movie posters.

7. I get positively giddy whenever I see anything related to the new Hellboy movie and I have people who will back me up on that.

8. I'm really worried that they cast Seth McFarlane as Johann because I love Johann and if Seth fucks it up it may very well ruin the whole movie for me.

9. I often tell people that "i'll be there with bells on, you'll love me in bells". No one yet has caught the reference.

10. I have read and laughed at this.

I'm starting to think my friend may have a point.
But I'm a cool nerd, right?

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Dear Wind,

You owe me $40.



PS - Fuck you.

Dear Stomach,

Hi, it's me. Listen, we need to talk. I know we're not always on the best terms, you and I. I know I like to eat a lot of weird food that you're sometimes not crazy about and there are days when you're not exactly cooperative and I really needed you to be on your best behaviour. We have our ups and downs but I had hoped that we might be made stronger by it. I mean, at very least, I had hoped that we could find some middle ground. So I thought we should talk before this goes any further. Maybe we can salvage something.
I know that I haven't exactly picked the easiest life-style. I know that I create a lot of worries I don't need to. I know, really I do. And I'm sorry. I know that it's hard on you when shit gets crazy. But that's what I need to talk to you about. I'm trying really hard to be strong about a lot of things despite what people might think and I need your help.
As much as I would love to have my very own ulcer this summer, I'm afraid I just haven't got the time for one. I don't think I even really have the room for one. I know you've been working really hard producing extra acid and gurgling away for a while and I appreciate the effort. I know how you've been putting in overtime and getting everyone in on helping you. Tell them all thanks, by the way. But right now is just not a good time.
So could we all just try to get along? Maybe we can discuss this whole ulcer thing next year, okay?
Talk to you again soon.



Friday, July 04, 2008

See, I Told You

What's it been? Two days? I got two days since my post about being in a good mood. This morning I went to leave, got in the car and sat on my ashtray. Why did I sit on my ashtray? Because some fucker broke in to my car and went through the console.
The really stupid thing is that they didn't take my cds this time (they were all burnt). They didn't even steal my mints. They stole the cup thingy I keep in the ashtray where I keep my change. The cup, I should mention, that had exactly four cents in it. So they went through the car, made a fucking mess and made off with a $5 cup thingy and four pennies.
I hate people.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

How The Hell Did That Happen?

I forgot I had to work tonight. The most likely reason for this is because I'm fairly sure that the guy I traded with was using some kind of evil voodoo to get me to do this. Because now I'm working all four nights in the theatre. This, this is just not good.
I'm having one of those days (and I can see this lasting all weekend) where I REALLY don't want to be here. I'm actually beyond antsy. I kind of want to scream. I just need to leave and I can't.
Normally I don't mind work, in fact, I kind of like it. But when I know that I could be out doing other shit if I wasn't stuck here, this place is like a fucking prison.
Fuck I hate being a responsible adult.

Know Your Vines

If you don't read XKCD for some entirely ridiculous reason, you should start. What? Think you're too cool? Well sweetheart, if you're hear reading this shit, you're not.

Don't Worry, Something Is Bound To Piss Me Off Soon

I realize I haven't posted anything since monday but to be perfectly honest, I've been in a really good mood for days already. What am I supposed to ramble on about if I'm not pissed off about something? Frankly, I'm at a bit of a loss.
I'm not worried though, because as much as I enjoy the good times, I know that sooner or later some act of mind-boggling stupidity will bring me crashing back down and you'll get more hate filled rants. It's a funny ol' world, ain't it?
So how are all of you?

Monday, June 30, 2008

The Count

Okay, I realize this is my second Henson related post this week, but this video made me laugh a lot. So watch it. Stop your bitching and just do it!

A Mystery For The Ages

Can someone please tell me why the guys who hit on me (which is, admittedly, rare) are always creepy weirdos with THE worst pick-up lines EVER? I don't get it. Is that the vibe I send off? Is it my shampoo? What?
I'm seriously thinking about developing agoraphobia just so I have an excuse NOT to leave the house.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Please Send Help

Scratch that. Send drugs.
I'm on day seven of this headache and nothing so far has worked. I've been through ever pill bottle in the house and now I'm on the Head-On at Janna's suggestion that it might work. But to no avail. I'd cry if I didn't know that crying only makes my head hurt more.
I'm actually thinking of naming it. It's old enough and big enough to deserve it. I've even decided on a name. Marvin.
"Why Marvin?" I hear you asking. Because I've been watching too much Muppet Show again and every time I see Marvin Suggs and his muppaphone I feel a connection to those poor fuzzy little muppets.
Actually, the more that I think about it, the more I think that from now on all of my headaches will be named Marvin.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Please Tell Me This Isn't True

I feel sick and sad and I think I'm going to cry. It can't be true, it just can't. George can't really be dead. It's not possible. He is one of those people who makes the world a livable place. He makes everything seem alright.
I don't even have words for this news. I can't think of anything that would make this seem less heartbreaking.

Goodbye George. I owe you thanks for so much. You showed me that humor can be found everywhere, that shit is funny so laugh. You showed me that not everyone who speaks their mind has to get in trouble for it and that even when you do, so fucking what? You gave me more original curses than anyone ever has. More than anything, you made me laugh. A lot. And that is something I will owe you for until the end of my days.
Thanks for everything, man. No one will ever be able to fill your shoes. You are truly irreplaceable.


Sunday, June 22, 2008

Top 100? Seriously?

I swiped this from Adam, who got the list from Entertainment Weekly. It's a list of their Top 100 movies of the last 25 years. Personally I'm wondering who the chimps are who made up this list and where some of the actual top movies are. But hey, that's me.
Anyhow, in keeping with Adam's idea, I've bolded the ones I've seen and marked asterisks next to the ones I liked.

1. Pulp Fiction (1994) **
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03)
3. Titanic (1997)
4. Blue Velvet (1986)
5. Toy Story (1995)**
6. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)**
9. Die Hard (1988)**

10. Moulin Rouge (2001)
11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
12. The Matrix (1999)**
13. GoodFellas (1990)**
14. Crumb (1995)**
15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)**

16. Boogie Nights (1997)
17. Jerry Maguire (1996)
18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
19. Casino Royale (2006)**
20. The Lion King (1994)**
21. Schindler's List (1993)**

22. Rushmore (1998)
23. Memento (2001)**
24. A Room With a View (1986)
25. Shrek (2001)**
26. Hoop Dreams (1994)
27. Aliens (1986)
28. Wings of Desire (1988)
29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)**
30. When Harry Met Sally... (1989)
31. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
32. Fight Club (1999)**
33. The Breakfast Club (1985)
34. Fargo (1996)**
35. The Incredibles (2004)**
36. Spider-Man 2 (2004)**
37. Pretty Woman (1990)

38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)**
39. The Sixth Sense (1999)**
40. Speed (1994)
41. Dazed and Confused (1993)**
42. Clueless (1995)
43. Gladiator (2000)**

44. The Player (1992)
45. Rain Man (1988)**
46. Children of Men (2006)
47. Men in Black (1997)**
48. Scarface (1983)**
49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)**

50. The Piano (1993)
51. There Will Be Blood (2007)
52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)**
53. The Truman Show (1998)
54. Fatal Attraction (1987)
55. Risky Business (1983)
56. The Lives of Others (2006)
57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)
58. Ghostbusters (1984)**

59. L.A. Confidential (1997)**
60. Scream (1996)
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
63. Big (1988)**
64. No Country For Old Men (2007)**
65. Dirty Dancing (1987)
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)
67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
68. Witness (1985)
69. All About My Mother (1999)
70. Broadcast News (1987)
71. Unforgiven (1992)
72. Thelma & Louise (1991)**
73. Office Space (1999)**

74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
75. Out of Africa (1985)
76. The Departed (2006)
77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)
80. Michael Clayton (2007)
81. Moonstruck (1987)
82. Lost in Translation (2003)
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)**
84. Sideways (2004)
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)**
86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
87. Swingers (1996)
88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)**
89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)**
91. Back to the Future (1985)**

92. Menace II Society (1993)
93. Ed Wood** (1994)
94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)**
95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
96. Far From Heaven (2002)
97. Glory (1989)
98. The Talented Mr. Ripley** (1999)
99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)**