Friday, November 14, 2008

Deal Breakers, I Got 'Em

Adam stole this so I don't feel bad from stealing it from him. I'm a jerk like that.
Some of these questions are more or less aimed at guys but I'll try to work around that or with it or something. I dunno. I guess you'll just have to read it to find out, now won't you? (also, this might provide some insight in to why I've been single for so long...)

Does your ad have any misspellings or poor grammar usage?
Honestly, if you don't have 100% perfect grammar all the fucking time, fine. I'm not a fucking grammar Nazi. But you start replacing words with "text chat" and you're not even worth my time. I don't have time for anyone who can't take the three seconds extra it takes to type properly.

Do you have a college degree?
As long as you're an intelligent person and can speak coherently on a number of subjects, I couldn't care less whether you have a degree or not. In fact, if you DO have a degree and constantly rub it in everyone's face and flaunt it like you're something special, chances are good that I will punch you in the throat.

How many tattoos do you have?
Actually I like tattoos. So I'm not picky about how many you have. I should mention however, I have very little to no interest in people who have stupid ass "I was drunk and thought it would be funny" and "I was too fucking cheap to pay for a good tattoo from someone who knows what they were doing" tattoos. I don't know why but those just piss me off and they make you look like a fucking douche bag.

How many kids do you have?
I'm really not a "kid person". At all. One kid of a reasonable age (as in one who is old enough to speak clearly, wipe their own ass and not given to bouts of crying over EVERYTHING) might, MIGHT be acceptable but they would have to be something really fucking special. And if you don't have kids but really want some, just stay the fuck away from me. I am NOT a breeder.

Do you watch television?
Well you'd better. Same goes for movies. I constantly reference tv shows and movies, quote lines, make inside jokes and am a general nerd. If you can't keep up I'm not interested. At all. Also, if you hate Sci-Fi, especially Star Trek, don't even bother. It would never work. (Actually, if you can't name the actors who played Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Picard, Riker, Data and Worf without having to think about it, don't bother. I'm not your type. Trust me.)

Do you have a driver's license?
A guy without a driver's license is... wrong. It's just wrong. There is no part of that that's okay. That is a serious deal breaker. That being said, I hate being a passenger so you DO NOT get to drive all the time. I don't care how un-macho it is. Suck it up, princess.

Do you have a sense of humor?
If not, just fuck off right now. If you can't make me laugh I don't even want to waste my time. Same goes if you think Dane Cook is hilarious, if you don't like George Carlin, if you don't get Monty Python, if you can watch Young Frankenstein without even cracking a smile and I could go on. But if you fall in to any of those categories I think it's best we just stop before we even start.

Can you support yourself?
I'm usually broke. I work, don't get me wrong but I'm still not making tons of money and I'm fine with that. I keep a roof over my head and I eat occasionally. So I don't mind someone who's not rolling in cash. Actually, I feel bad when someone is paying for me too often. Even if it's okay with them and they like doing it, it makes me feel like a mooch and reminds me that I don't have a lot. So as long as you've got the basics covered and you're not mooching off me, I'm cool with that.

Do you drink alcohol?
Drinking I'm okay with. I personally can't drink because of my health problems, but hopefully one day I'll be able to finish off my bottle of absinthe and the rum I have left. However, getting blind, stinking drunk at every given opportunity, not being a good drunk, etc. just turns me off. Big time. The same goes for drugs. I'm so not in to a guy who's into getting high. It's one of those things that instantly lowers my opinion of you and in a guy I'm considering dating, it makes me think you're less intelligent. I don't know why but it does.

Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?
If yes, it's not going to work out between us. Sorry. With my friends it's not a big deal (provided they don't preach to me and it's not a topic for discussion more often than once in a blue moon) but in a relationship it's an obstacle. Regardless of what you might think. And believe me when I say that you'll never convert me. Stronger people who I respect more have tried and failed miserably.

Do you have bad breath?
Serious deal breaker. I don't have much of a sense of smell but if I can smell your breath you need to get the fuck away from me. I mean, if you just ate something smelly, I understand. But constant bad breath makes me gag.

Are you ugly?
A friend of mine has been adamant (for years) that I only like "old weird guys". While I don't completely agree with her assessment, I will freely admit that I have an unusual taste in men. Personally, intelligence is more important to me than looks. Smarts are sexy. (And so are Kevin Spacey, Alan Rickman, Patrick Stewart, etc, etc, etc...)

Are you computer illiterate?
I don't expect anyone to be a computer genius but I don't ever want to have to explain how to turn the computer on. Being able to use a computer with confidence is important. So is not hating Macs. Because I love both my Macs, more than you. Deal with it.

Do you have really long fingernails?
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew. I cannot even put in to words exactly how much a guy with long fingernails grosses me out. I have no idea why, but hands are a very important feature to me and long nails make me gag. Just buy a nail clipper already. Seriously.

Do you smell like smoke?
Guys who smell like ash trays make me want to barf. Kissing a guy who tastes like an ash tray is even worse. Yuk, dude. Just yuk.

Do you like animals?
Well you'd better. I have two cats who I love more than most people. They live with me, you don't. Guess who's more likely to be replaced. Guys who don't like dogs just worry me. (And I have ever intention of getting a rottweiler, so if you're scared of big dogs, you need not apply.)

Do you enjoy going out to dinner?
Once in a while I don't mind going out. But when I do, I go to a sit-down place. Fast food is not my thing if I'm "going for supper with someone".

Do you have enormous boobs?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW... man-boobs. Just no, no and more no. I don't mind a bigger guy, but if your boobs are bigger than mine... *shudder* (the same goes for back hair... actually I'd take he-hooters over back hair any day. Especially if it's shoulder hair and back hair that forms a "hair vest".... *barf*)


Avitable said...

Hahahah - you realize that the only thing I stole was the concept, right? I actually came up with my own deal breakers. You can come up with your very own, too!

Gwenhwyfar said...

It was more fun to just steal your deal breakers and also way less work. I'm lazy AND a thief.

wgayleard said...

You know I'm beginning to believe there's a conspiracy against illiterate, non-tv watching, bad breath smelling, alcoholic, burger eating, breeders like myself

Gwenhwyfar said...

That's not the only conspiracy against you, I'm sure.

Robin said...

If you can accept the twins then it's a deal, I think I fit every category.

Gwenhwyfar said...

The twins are definitely acceptable. Assuming you don't have a hair vest I'm not aware of.

sourpuss said...

That was great. So great, in fact, that I now think I'm in love with you.

Gwenhwyfar said...

I'd be down with that so long as you don't fall in to any of the "deal breaker" categories.

Janna said...

I agree with you about cigarette smoke, but I sometimes like burning incense. Is that kind of smoke ok?

Gwenhwyfar said...

That's fine. Sometimes I burn incense too. But only if it's not some really horrible incense that smells like shit.