Friday, October 10, 2008

Top Ten: Trek Edition

If you all haven't worked it out yet, I'm a giant nerd and a huge Star Trek fan. That doesn't mean that I don't have issues with the show. Actually I think an integral part of being a Star Trek fan is having issues with things about the show. It means you're a big enough geek to start thinking about things enough to take issue with them and to form an opinion.
My biggest issue with any of the shows is that, for as good as much of the make-up was (even TOS was good for the time and the budget), some of it was just downright painful. It actually makes me want to hunt down the make-up artist and hit them. Worse than that, it distracts me from enjoying perfectly good episodes.
So here are my Top Ten Worst Star Trek Make-Ups

#10: Bolians

This may or may not be because I fucking HATE Mr. Mot. He doesn't show up often but when he does I just want to punch him in his silly blue divided face. GAH!

#9: Cheron natives

I know that this make-up is on a whole different level than the rest on this list, simply because it's so... oh god, I don't even know what this is. But let me explain that it's not even the make-up that gets me crazy. I mean, it's Frank Gorshin for fuck sakes. How could I hate Frank? In anything? It's just that this make-up is entirely too "Star-bellied Sneetches" and such a painfully obvious allegory the whole thing is just kind of painful.

#8: Tyrans

Am I the only one who thinks it looks kind of like she has a vagina on her face? I dunno. But it bothers the shit out of me every time I see it. Not because it looks like a vagina, but because it's so fucking distracting.

#7: Talosians

I know that from this picture you can't tell, but the back of their heads look like asses. Giant, pulsating asses. With gross veins. You can't tell me someone didn't notice that before they shot the episode. You just know there was one guy on set who burst out laughing and everyone was like "What? What's so funny, Bob?" and he had to try and stifle his laughter and pretend it was nothing. He probably said he was thinking of something he'd seen on TV the night before.

#6: Cardassian

Otherwise known as the Spoonheads. I have never liked this make-up. Ever. But Gul Ocett here is laughably bad. Her make-up is the kind of bad that makes grown make-up artists weep.

#5: Selay (tie)

When are the writers and make-up artists on Star Trek going to realize that they'll never be able to pull off a believable reptile make-up. Years after the Gorn shittied up TOS, the Selay showed up, large as life and twice as shitty for TNG. Jesus Christ on a cracker!

#5: Anitcans (tie)

Anitcans tie for the #5 spot because I honestly can't decide which of these I hate more and because they happened to appear on the same episode. From the look of them I would suspect they evolved from the chinese crested.

#4: Tilonians

I don't think I can even begin to put into words how much I hate this make-up. I don't know who sculpted this prosthetic, but it looks like something a five year old would have come up with. I really don't even have words for this. It hurts my soul.

#3: Gorn

Okay, I swear I'm not trying to pick on TOS. But the Gorn gripe my ass something awful every fucking time I watch "Arena". I mean, the episode itself is one of my least favourites, but a big part of it is this fucking make-up. Between his disco ball eyes, his ill-fitting rubber muscles, his non-functional mouth, his stupid sparkly Tarzan outfit and that goddamned hissing-gurgling noise he makes, this has got to be one of the most ridiculous aliens to ever grace the Star Trek universe. The worst part is that we're supposed to believe this slow moving, silly looking, dip shit is scary.

#2: Andorians

These goofy bastards are a constant source of annoyance. Don't even try to blame these on the times either. This picture is from TOS, yes but the Andorians have shown up later on in other series and they're still a bunch of goofy fucking bastards. I'm not sure what bugs me more, the stupid ass blue skin or the fucking antennae. In fact, I think I actually hate the newer version more than the old version.

#1: Antedeans

Holy hell! Where to start? I really don't know. This is by far and away the worst Star Trek alien EVER. Everything about them is wrong. EVERYTHING. Even their outfits. People often complain that too many of the Trek aliens just had some weird shit on their foreheads or their noses but if this is an example of what happens when they go all the way, then by all means, carry on with the forehead and nose mods. Please. For the love of god. For my sake.


Janna said...

Ooooh, I'm a Trek nerd too!
Let's see...

10. Ah, well, I love Bolians. Love the way they speak about things. It would be fun to have a deep discussion with one-- as long as you knew enough relevant facts to keep up your end of the discussion. :)

9. Kinda looks like "Half Mime, Half Coal Miner."

8. I don't see the vagi-- no, wait, there it is. I think. Let me stare for awhile longer.

7. I know, I know these guys are frickin ugly, but still I kinda like them. I guess it's because of the way the episode ended. We were all set to see them as "the bad guys," and then we find out that maybe they're not such monsters after all.

6. My favorite spoonhead is Gul Dukat. I just love Marc Alaimo's voice and his smile.

5A. *shrug*. Eh. It's not so bad. Maybe on other planets they really DO have bad reptile makeup. In which case this rendition would be perfect.

5B. Have you ever seen the movie Labyrinth? This guy looks sort of like the dog-esque knight who was riding the other dog as his steed. One of them was named "Sir Didimus," I think.

4. If you painted the forehead thingy yellow, it would look like the McDonalds arches.

3. Hey, I lived through the 70's, and lemme tell ya, disco balls ARE scary.

2. I'd like it better if they'd spread the blue coloring ALL the way over the visible skin, and not just on the face. Not real crazy about the hairdo, either. But still, I have to admit I kinda like the freaky antennae.

1. Kind of a cross between a bowel movement and a catfish.

I like Klingons and Ferengi, myself. Not in the same room, though.

At what point should I mention I used to have a crush on Quark?

Gwenhwyfar said...

Janna... I love you. Also, don't get me wrong, I actually like some of these species and characters of those species (Gul Dukat, BTW, I love. A lot. Marc Alaimo kicks so much ass). I just have an issue with shitty make-up.