I totally stole this from Vulgar Wizard because stealin' is fun!
1. My uncle once: got a soup ladle full of chili stuck in his mouth
2. Never in my life: have I eaten a kitchen sponge
3. When I was five: Pluto was a planet
4. High school was: a colossal waste of time
5. I will never forget: that you still owe me $50
6. Once I met: the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Nice guys actually, we still do coffee once a week.
7. There’s this girl I know: who bears a striking resemblance to Jack Klugman
8. Once, at a bar: I got the shittiest service ever from a waitress that looked like Sinead O'Connor
9. By noon, I’m usually: not dressed yet
10. Last night: I should have gone to bed earlier
11. If only I had: a life
12. Next time I go to church: I'll have to remember to take my iPod
13. What worries me most: is what the comments on YouTube says about us as a society
14. When I turn my head left I see: Jim
15. When I turn my head right I see: John
16. You know I’m lying when: I'm not vertical but horizontal
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: saturday morning cartoons
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: in one of those plays nobody talks about
19. By this time next year: I'd better have more money
20. A better name for me would be: Edgar
21. I have a hard time understanding: how no one could see that Clark Kent was Superman
22. If I ever go back to school: it had better not be a waste of time
23. You know I like you if: I ask you for your opinion
24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: The academy. You have to remember to thank them.
25. Take my advice: if someone tells you something is hot and not to touch it, it's best to just believe them
26. My ideal breakfast is: made by someone else
27. A song I love but do not have is: ... If I loves it, I gets it. Duh.
28. If you visit my hometown: be sure to stop in and say hello, you jerk
29. Why won’t people: just go away or failing that, give me money?
30. If you spend a night at my house: don't worry, I have handcuffs and a ball-gag
31. I’d stop my wedding so: I could figure out exactly how the fuck I ended up engaged in the first place
32. The world could do without: your attitude, mister
33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: touch a moth
34. My favorite blonde is: a dog
35. Paper clips are more useful than: most library regulars
36. If I do anything well it’s: a total fluke
37. I can’t help but: wonder why I'm still doing this meme
38. I usually cry: wolf
39. My advice to my child: if you can't beat them, pay someone to have them beaten
40. And by the way: those pants make your ass look huge