Izzy Magoo's: World's Shittiest Diner

If you ever come to Regina and are looking for food, you're in luck. We have one of the highest restaurants per capita in the country. This is also means you're in luck because you can be kind of picky. That many restaurants means you don't have to eat somewhere shitty for lack of choices (isn't life grand?). And luckiest of all, it means that even if you show up in town starving to death and so desperate that you'll eat anywhere, you STILL won't have to eat at Izzy Magoo's.

For those of you who don't know, Izzy Magoo's is a 50's theme diner. They've got the old timey booth seating, records on the walls, old movie posters and all the 50's-ness you can handle. It's one of those places that might be cool if it didn't look horribly slapped together on a minimum budget. Theme restaurants are something that can be costly to put together if you care to do it right and clearly these folks didn't. But hey, even the biggest dump can still pull off a decent meal, right?

I've eaten in plenty of places that were in serious need of a face lift and still got great food. This was not one of those times.

The first major disappointment - dessert. Mostly that there was none. As is NONE AT ALL. As in "where the hell is the sweet stuff?" This also means that there was no pie. Any place without pie immediately loses major points. 

The we ordered drinks. Paul and I got iced tea and as we all know, iced tea is hardly worth drinking without a wedge of lemon. Again - denied. No lemon. Apparently the owner has a "no lemon policy". I am so not making that up. You are not allowed to have a wedge of lemon with your drink.

Now excuse me for a second but I'm paying for a drink and paying a lot more than it's worth. Enough, I would imagine, to pay for the actual cost of the drink itself and still have enough left over to buy a whole bag of lemons. So why, exactly, is it that I can't have a piece of a fucking lemon? I'm the customer, I want a lemon, that should be reason enough.

So we get our lemonless iced tea and we flip through the menu. It's a lot of standard diner food with a bunch of 50's buzz words and car names to jazz it up. 

Paul gets a burger, Jen gets a sammich and I get some fish and chips (which I'm informed comes with lemon). I ask if I can substitute my fries for "frings" which is a combo of fries and onion rings. The server says that's fine. 

Two minutes later she's back to say it isn't.

I could order just fries and then get an appetizer order of onion rings. Paul suggests he change his salad to onion rings and then we can just swap each other half of our respective fried side dishes.

Great, let's do that.

When our orders come, the fish appears to be the "Captain Highliner" variety and the server plunks down a squeeze bottle of Kraft tartar sauce.

Awesome.

Do you have any idea how easy it is to bread fish yourself or, for that matter, to make your own tartar sauce? I do it all the time. And it kicks Kraft's ass.

When we ask for a second plate so we may let our fries and onion rings co-mingle our sever grimaces a little. 

"There is a $2.50 plate charge."

What?

"If I bring an extra plate."

You're kidding.

"It's a rule."

She's not kidding.

"And we're out of lemon."

Jesus.

"Sorry."

How about comment cards? Do you have any of those?

"No."

I can see why.

She tells us the owner doesn't care and we can complain all we like. He won't give a shit.

Great business strategy. 

So you see, if the half-assed atmosphere doesn't drive you away, if the food isn't sub-par enough, if the music isn't crappy enough, if there aren't so many rules you want to scream, if the fact that the owner clearly treats his staff like shit all aren't reason enough not to visit this festering dung heap - just keep in mind, he cares about you just as much as he cares about his staff. You're the customer and should be listened to carefully, treated well and cared for and about. After all, you're the one with the money.

Besides, business owners who treat their staff like shit should be strung up by their balls.

Questions? I'm Full of Questions

Well, I'm full of something. 

Here's the deal. I'm bored and far to lazy to think up something original to write about so I'm going to offer up some one of a kind Gwenhwyfar type interviews. I'll interview you (by which I mean I'll send you five or so questions) or you can interview me. Hell, you can do both if you like. If you interview me I'll pst my answers here and if you like you can post them somewhere else too.

Doesn't that sound like fun kids?

So if you're interested, leave a comment to that effect and if I don't have your email, make sure I get that too.

The Buddy Syndrome

This is part rant and part public service announcement. You see, I'm here to inform you of a terrible affliction. For years comedians believed that it was only men who were affected. But I'm here to tell you folks, women suffer from this terrible fate as well. As a sufferer myself, I know.
The Buddy Syndrome.
I am one of the many people who seem to have been cursed to be "the buddy" forever. Almost every guy I meet or hang out with sees me as "just one of the guys" and for the most part I'm okay with that. It means I get let in on lots of things "the girls" don't. Unfortunately it also means I have a bunch of guy friends and all the new guys I meet become "friends"... are you seeing where I'm going with this? If you don't - guys, ask yourself, do you want to date any of the dudes you hang out with? Girls, go ask a guy if he'd date any of his buddies. See what I mean?
Yeah.
Really, I'm not desperate to find anyone to date. I just get frustrated every now and then when it's painfully clear that I've been completely lumped in with the guys and have been made completely undateable. How fun is that?
*sigh*
I really have no idea how it happens either. Actually, that part bothers me almost as much as the problem.
Anyone have any ideas?

Damn You, Rene Russo

How could you want to hurt this guy? Look at how amazing he is!

Anyone who knows me should know by now that I love Kevin Spacey. I do. It's true. So his movies get a special place in my heart too. But there's just one thing...
Outbreak.
Why? Why does Kevin have to die? And so horribly? What the fuck is up with that? And the whole thing becomes even more frustrating when Rene Russo gets the cure just after Kevin dies. What the hell is that all about? Does anyone even like Rene Russo? Really?
I mean, I have to partly blame that on Dustin Hoffman and his need for a love interest. But Rene Russo? Over Kevin?
Can't we all just agree that Kevin should never, ever, ever die in any movie ever? Especially not in some horrible way and certainly not just before the cure is found to whatever horrible disease is killing him. Okay? Deal?

Sorry Guys, I Suck

I've been doing that thing again, haven't I? That thing where I don't post for a long time. I'm sorry.
Things have been super busy around here and to be honest, I've been in a really shitty head spac. This makes for less entertaining storys and interest in, well, everything.
Anyway, I'm going to try to post more soon. Really.

Happy Birthday!

Today is my grandmother's birthday and despite the fact that she doesn't have a computer and that it would take me a while to even explain what a blog is exactly I'm going to wish her a happy birthday here. I did make her a cake, so you know, I'm not just going to wish her a happy birthday in the place she's least likely to find it.

And yesterday was Chico's birthday. Chico hasn't been around to celebrate in a long while, but all the same, Happy Birthday.

Spring Cleaning

Just a quick post to let you all know (because I know how much you really want to know) that I'm going to be cutting back a bit. Not here. Don't freak out.
Shit I Love and Shit I Hate have been sadly neglected for ages. They were fun when I started them but times have changed and now they're just sort of... well... there. So they're going.
I am adding a new addition to the family tho. Not a replacement. No. More like Charles for Frank, BJ for Trapper or Potter for Blake on M*A*S*H*. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you should be ashamed.)
Late Fines and Library Crimes will now be found in with the links for your viewing pleasure. We'll see how it goes from there.
For now, let's all take a moment of silence and remember our dearly departed blogs. We had some good times, parting is such sweet sorrow and what-not.

-Gwen

You Look Like An Idiot

And you sound like one too.
I've recently been reminded of one of my major peeves. Sloppy talk. I fucking hate people who speak sloppily.
Let's see if I can explain what I mean. Sloppy talk is when someone constantly sounds like they're drunk. When they slur their words together and fail to enunciate even the simplest of words. This is usually combined with too much aliva resulting in "drooly lips" and, for the record, that is just fucking gross. Learn to swallow, you freak.
Honest, this is something I've run in to more times than should be possible and these are ADULTS I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about people with some kind of physical of mental issue that would keep them from a normal speach pattern. These are adults who managed to make it all the way through childhood without learning to speak properly.
I find this incredibly annoying and frustrating. Listening to it irritates me. It's like nails on a chalkboard. If you can't even take the time to speak clearly, then why the hell am I listening to you? Chances are, if you're too lazy to talk, anything you do say won't be worth hearing.
This is clearly just one more sign that we are all doomed as a species.

Yeah, Yeah, Shut Up

Let me start out by saying I hate cell phones. Over all I think they're stupid and a major annoyance. I hate that people seem to have completely given up on any kind of cell phone etiquette. I hate "text spelling". All of it just gripes my ass something awful.
But for the last seven or eight years I have had a cell phone off and on. For the most part it was something I kept for emergencies and for the better part of that time I was on pay as you go. I didn't often hand out the number because half the time my phone was dead or out of minutes or whatever. And then suddenly I found that every one of my friends had gotten a phone. They also got in to the habit of texting. Bastards.
I used to get through a whole month on $20. Between my friends calling and texting and whatever, that jumped to more like $60. Yesterday I finally said "fuck it". I broke down and got myself a new cell phone plan and replaced my antique phone with a brand new Razr 2. (Jesus titty fucking Christ... "Razr"? Are they shitting me with this? What, they couldn't afford a vowel? Gah!)

This also mean, anyone reading this who has my cell number for whatever reason - my number has changed.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Robin. is now listed as one of the authors here. I don't actually expect her to write anything as I've added her only because we've mutually decided to go on Death Watch for each other. Not that either of us is dying at the moment (well, technically we're all dying, aren't we?) but in the event that one of us gets hit by a bus or falls off a cliff or something, the other will notify everyone what happened.
We are a chipper couple aren't we?

Dolls, Why Did It Have To Be Dolls!?

Let me start off by saying, Playstation 3 and Baby Laugh-A-Lot, fuck you both.
Now let me scar you for life as I have been.





Is it just me or does is that baby not clearly the inspiration for most of Evil Dead?

Happy Birthday, Robin!

I was going to go find you a picture of a cake, since mailing one seemed like a bad idea. But then I realized, this is Robin. What does Robin love even more than cake? Yes, bagels, I know. But even more than bagels? That's right. Kevin.
Now I know we agreed to share him and I know that hasn't always gone as smoothly as it might have. So I am going to suggest that from now on, no matter what plans we might have had, Kevin belongs to the birthday girl exclusively for that one day.
Deal?
Happy birthday, lady! I love you!

No More Mr. Balls

When you work with the public, especially when you work somewhere like the public library, you tend to meet a lot of weird people. People who are just kind of unforgettable in their dysfunction. For the most part, they're people who aren't really hurting anyone, but they make things just a little more interesting.
At the library (and I'm assuming in most places) our regulars get nicknames. It's something we do so we have something to call them when we talk amongst ourselves. Most are completely self-explanatory. There's "Pee Guy" who smells more like pee than pee does. "Bling Bling" with his gold necklaces to rival Mr. T. "Mr. Beefeater Gin" who used to sit in the back and pretend no one knew he was getting shitfaced. "Paper Friend" who would hoard all the newspapers. "Last Minute Larry" who always shows up ten minutes before we close and takes an armful of news papers to the other end of the building (oh yeah, that's not annoying...). And of course, "Mr. Balls".
Mr. Balls used to be known as "Stink and Stare". You'll never guess why. But that all changed one day when a co-worker decided that "Mr. Balls" was more fitting. This was all because of the duffel bag he toted with him everywhere. It was full of balls. All different kinds. He had everything from a small bowling ball to a squeezy stress ball.
He would go upstairs to the news papers, gab a handful, find a table and then it would begin. He's start by taking apart the newspapers. I don't believe I ever saw him read a word, but they were all pulled apart by the end of the day. And then he go for his bag.
Most of the time he'd take out a ball and rub it on his face. Honest, I can't make stuff like that up. Or he'd sit with the bowling ball pressed to his face. One I watched him squeeze the stress ball around in the air before sniffing wildly like it had released some beautiful perfume. It was his thing.
Although the thing I remember the best is the night a friend of mine and I were headed back downstairs and he was walking ahead of us. As he waddled along (he really did waddle) a bar of soap fell out of his pant leg. He didn't even pause. Just carried on with the used pant-soap laying on the floor behind him. I will always choose to believe he had a hole in his pocket.
Today I saw his obit in the paper. It was an odd feeling actually. To see his real name written out. A bit like in Fight Club when they're all chanting "His name is Robert Paulson" because in death, they've decided, you get your name back. It was weird too because, for as much as we never really knew the guy, we did know him in a way and he was just part of daily life here. One of those constants you get used to and then just come to expect.
Honestly, a lot of our patrons are elderly and many of them in not such great shape. A hard life tends to do that to people. So it's not something you don't expect or something that's never happened before. It's just odd.
Anyway, good-bye Mr. Balls. I hope where ever you are, it's like a giant McDonald's ball room.

I Think I Have A New Favourite Car

For years my favourite car of all time has been the Aston Martin DB5.

That would be this car here.
Isn't it lovely? Beyond being a painfully hot car just on it's own, it's also my favourite Bond's car in my favourite Bond movie. How could I not love this car?
But I've found another that I don't know I'd be able to put second. Can I have two firsts? Can I love them both equally? Is that allowed? I might cry.
The 1938 Phantom Corsair...

That would be this bit of sex on wheels, makes me drool.
So if anyone wants to make me seriously happy, you know, now you have a couple of ideas. (I get one of these and I'd even let you post the video of me flipping my shit on YouTube.)

I Don't Have Anything Big Enough For A Full Post

- Honestly, I'm not trying to neglect this site, I just haven't really had a lot to say about anything recently. At least nothing that would be me ranting about something you've already heard me rant about. (Not that that hasn't happened before...)

- It's a very special someone's birthday today. I think we should all take a moment to send the guy some lovin' thoughts. After all, he deserves them.

- I am STILL looking for a different job as the one I've got right now is making me insane. I don't even know where to begin with this one. It's all just so ridiculous.

- I got my hands on an original NES still in the package. Since it was purchased it was taken out of the box once to see if it worked and then stuck in a closet for the last twenty odd years. Now it's mine! ALL MINE! MUHUHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You Wish You Were This Cool

Are You There God? It's Me, Gwenhwyfar...

And I know you're mocking me, you bastard.
I woke up this morning a full hour before my alarm with a migraine that has now dug itself completely in to the left side of my head. Despite the massive dose of painkillers I've taken it doesn't look like it's going to let up any time soon.
Then I came to work, being the wonderful employee I am, head still pounding. Luckily, I have a fairly easy job. It's normally pretty quiet and I thought nursing my head wouldn't be too hard.
Not so much.
It seems there's a leak in the plumbing, so the guys are here working on it. With power tools. Really. Loud. Power tools. And let me tell you, that is doing wonders for my head.
Finally, just because I know the Gods can't let a good thing go, they've got the radio going and once again I am listening to Pink screeching her way through "sober". It might be tollerable if it weren't the fifth time I've heard it today. But the radio stations all seem to be hell bent on torturing me with the same goddamned song every fifteen minutes.
Fuck.

Killing Time

I know I haven't posted in a few days and I feel bad about it. But on the other hand, I had a really incredibly shitty day yesterday and today I'm not feeling much better. So I'm not really interested in writing a whole bunch or being creative or funny or witty. In fact, I would just as soon go back to bed. Maybe a hug would be nice.
However, I will do a little meme just to kill some time.

iTunes

How many songs total: 438
How many hours or days of music: 1.6 Days

Sort by song title
First Song: Feist "1234"
Last Song: Voltaire "Zombie Prostitute"

Sort by time
Shortest Song: Marilyn Manson "Dancing with the One Legged" (00:46)
Longest Song: Weird Al "Trapped in the drive-thru" (10:51)

Sort by album
First album: Cloud Cult "Advice from the happy hippopotamus"
Last album: Wolfmother "Wolfmother"

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Robert Crumb "Mysterious Mose"

Search the following and state how many songs come up
Death - 5
Life - 3
Love - 21
Hate - 1
You - 58
Sex - 3

What Do You Mean "There Aren't Any Rules"!?

Maybe it's because I'm german. Maybe it's because I'm a little insane. Maybe it's because my dad is the same way. I don't know. But I need rules and order. I just do. As it happens there are WAY too many situations in everyday life that don't come with rules or clear instuctions and I HATE that.
I hate not knowing what I'm supposed to do because I'm rubbish at guessing. Normally I end up making the wrong choice and then I end up thinking about what I should have done. Or I start worrying that there is no right choice. Somehow that never makes me feel any better.
Also, I've completely given up on this whole "follow your gut" thing because, to be frank, my gut is an idiot. Without exception, everytime I've ever followed what my gut was telling me I ended up in deeper shit than I was to begin with. In fact, I'm starting to think that my gut hates me and is doing it on purpose. Bastard.
*sigh* Life is way too hard. Can I just get the instruction book now? Please?

Was It Something I Said?

And if so, can you be specific? I say a lot of things.
Is it just me or does it seem really quiet around here? Is anyone reading this? Does anyone care? Hello? Hello!? HELLO!?

I Never Thought That Would Happen

I'm 24, just for the record. That's five presidents and four inaugurations I've lived through. Honestly, I have such a complete lack of interest in all things political and even more so in american politics I had to look that up. I couldn't have named any one of those men beyond Clinton and Bush and I probably couldn't have put them in chronological order. And I have never watched an inauguration, ever.
Today that changed.
I sat and watched the whole thing. I listened to the swearing in and the speeches. Everything. For the first time in my whole life I had a reason to.
The last eight years have been a constant reminder of just how much everything that goes on next door impacts us. It's dragged us down in more ways than I care to count, pulled us in to conflicts and been a weight on the shoulders of all of us. It's something I had never really felt before. So it would be a lie to say that my hopes aren't high, but it would be a bigger lie to say that my concern isn't higher.
But for now I'm going to concentrate on being hopeful. Hang on to the good feeling while I can, you know?



**On a completely unrelated note, let me take a second and say sorry for missing both MLK day AND Edgar Allan Poe's birthday. I spent all day yesterday being really, really, really sick and wasn't in any condition to do much of anything, including posting.

Cool Nerd God? Surprised? No.

Watch As The Amazing Gwenhwyfar Fearlessly Answers Questions!

A while back Robin did the 5 questions meme and now it's my turn. Here are Robin's questions and my completely and very serious answers. They are, after all, questions of great social importance.

1. Verbal Kint, Dr. Cox or Me?
Oh geez... I have to choose? What's up with that? Can't I have my cake and eat it too (which is a stupid saying BTW, if it's my cake, why shouldn't I eat it?)? I have good reasons for choosing any one of you.
Verbal is, well, Verbal. Do I need another reason? He's Kevin at his most loveable. Even knowing that he's really a terrifying criminal mastermind, you still can't help but love him.
Dr. Cox is the kind of guy I'm usually drawn to. Loud, angry and given to ranting with the added bonus of being smart (smarts are super sexy). That and John C. McGinley is seriously hot.
Robin is just so... Robin. She has the wonder twins and the furkids and Manly Man (a definite bonus). Then, just to complete this already impossibly perfect package, she loves Kevin too.
See? How am I supposed to chose?

2. If you had 5 minutes with Kevin Spacey but could only ask him one question, what would it be?
Your place or mine?

3. What movie were you most surprised to find out you liked?
I'd probably have to go with Zoolander. I know most of you just groaned. I know isn't a totally lame movie. It's a guilty pleasure, what can I say? It makes me laugh in a totally "I don't have to think about this at all"/"I just want to watch something stupid and mindless" kind of way. But it was one of those movies I had decided I was going to hate and by the time the credits rolled I was sitting there going "So help me god, I actually liked it."

4. If you could live in any tv show which one would it be and why?
Star Trek (TNG). Hands down. How could I pick anything else? Food processors, transporters, most diseases eliminated, holodeck, alien planets, Picard, Data, Riker, Q and the list goes on. There's almost nothing that I don't love about it and way too much cool shit to pass up.

5. What is the first movie you remember?
Remember seeing? That's really hard because I have a serious problem trying to put event in chronological order.
At home I would probably say The Secret of Nimh or Donald in Mathmagic Land (yes, I still have a copy of both).
In the theatre, I clearly remember going to see The Little Mermaid with my mom, aunt and cousin (for some reason I'm sure my grandma was there too).

Death Of Khan

I was really hoping that this year would, at very least, start off better than last year. But no. Here I am writing yet another fairwell to one of my favourite people.
Ricardo Montalban passed away this morning. Taking with him one of the all time greatest voices, ever. No one else could have been Khan or Mr. Roarke or could have made the phrase "fine corinthian leather" so damned sexy. Really, there have been few people who could make anything sound so damned sexy.

Quick Update

I could write a whole post, but I'm being lazy. Maybe I'll write one later. For now you get bullet points. Enjoy.

- It's supposed to drop down to something like -40 today. Isn't that lovely? It snowed for two days and now it's -40.

- My new job is making me insane, so the job hunt continues.

- The guy who is the head of my section is an idiot. In the last week I've had to explain nearly everything I've said over again to him because he doesn't get it. I've also shown him how to add bullet points to a word doc and attach a file to an email (twice). I think I may have to hit him.

- I'm still plotting the doom of my mailman. That asshole is walking on awfully thin ice at this point.

- The PS3 is still going strong. I think I may have to name it.

So, what've you all been up to? I feel like we never just talk anymore.

Happy Birthday, Janna!!!

Since it's your birthday I got you this super awesome Trek cake! I know, I know, I shouldn't have. But I couldn't resist.
Hope it's a good one lady. You deserve it.

More Adventures In Gwenland

The egg-deviling went well I think. The dark spirits were summoned nicely and despite a few of them bickering back and forth it was all ready to go by 10pm. I've also learned yet another lesson about how stupidly easy it is to impress most people, especially at a potluck.
I've always been the kind of person who worries that if I half-ass it, everyone else will go all out and I'll end up looking like a chump. So I make myself crazy trying to pull something amazing together, because I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone out cook me... bastards. Then I turn up with my creation, which I lovingly hand-crafted and spent hours fretting over, only to find that everyone else half-assed it or bought something at Safeway.
Deviled eggs have taught me a few valuable potluck lessons.

1. They are just enough work that most people wouldn't have made them (because as we've learned, they are lazy bastards who are trying to make me insane) but easy enough that I put them together in about 15 minutes.
2. Doing even the simplest piping job with the filling (I put the filling in a zip-lock and cut off a corner) impresses the shit out of most people.
3. Everyone seems to love them, which is both confusing and great.

I think I'm starting to see why they have long been a potluck standard and a favourite of the leave it to beaver/father knows best type of 50s mom crowd.
Now all I have to do is find a way to make the recipe something jusut a little different so I can claim it. That way I'll never have to make anything else for a potluck ever again.
On a completely unrelated note, sweet jesus... am I really that old? *sigh*

Chicken Little Meets The Exorcist

I got myself another job. For now. I'm not exactly sure about the whole thing and it's only temporary until the end of March. But what the hell, right? Could be worse and they pay me money, which is nice.
Anyway, we've got this training day/potluck/gift exchange tomorrow. I'm not really sure how to feel about that since I've only been here three days. I mean, I've only just managed to learn four names (that leaves me about thirty short) and I'm already getting hit up for presents and food. I suppose I be getting some back, but I'm broke and lazy. You know how it is.
So I spent a while looking around for something to make for tomorrow. I could certainly just buy something but I don't want to look like some lame-ass who can't cook to save her life. Especially because I CAN cook and quite well too. The trick is to find something that is tasty, cheep to make and easy enough that I won't be up until four in the fucking moring making it and cursing whoever devised the evil potluck bullshit in the first place.
I think I've hit on a solution. One I'd never really thought of before. But lately I've been on this nostalgia kick. I really love vintage stuff, especially old cookbooks. Even more so the ones that contain recipes and pictures that are just a little terrifying. But that's me. I figure, tho, it's probably best not to show up with something too scary. So I compromised.
Deviled Eggs.
Oddly enough, I've never made them before. Ever. I honestly didn't even know what was in them. Eggs, obviously but beyond that it was a mystery. And after looking up the recipe I realized how simple they are and (best of all) I have everything I need to make them at home.
That being said, in about half an hour, when I get home, I will be starting on my very first journey to deviled-eggdom. If you don't hear from me soon, something when horribly, horribly wrong. And just in case, I'd just like to say I'm sorry I did that thing to you that time, it really was a stupid thing to do and please don't put my dead body in any lewd positions and take pictures.

Here I Am

I know, you were all worried about me. Right? Right?
Yeah, I thought so.
Well I'm back. I'm not dead. I mean, I'm not quite what you'd call "alive" but then, I never really was. So you know, back to sub-normal. And no, I haven't contracted some rare and exotic new disease they will name after me once I keel over, once and for all sealing my fate as being synonymous with a slow and painful death (which would be eight shades of fuckin' awesome, by the way).
I have however acquired a new addiction. By which I mean I bought a new addiction. It came in the form of a PS3. There was much giddiness and giggling. By which I mean I managed to not kill anyone in EB Games including the fucking skater prick, asshole, douche bag, fucktard who decided that the hundred or so other people crammed in to the approximately thirty square feet of store space were simply not as important as he is and tried to jump in front of me in line WHILE THE SALES GUY WAS HELPING ME. But the happiness (or what I would assume from other peoples descriptions of happiness, that emotion was) of getting my hands on a backwards compatible PS3 AND Little Big Planet (finally!) kept me from dismembering him slowly before a cheering crowd of onlookers who had all become so bitter and jaded by the post-christmas rush to consume as much useless shit because it's on sale** and were tired of self-centered wannabe oppressed minorities (ie. rich white kids with no real brains or purpose for being) acting like they own the whole fucking planet.
I brought my new bundle of joy home and have spent endless hours since sitting on my couch and playing. I've been bouncing between LBP, Tomb Raider: Underworld and God of War II (which I might actually like as much or more than the original). I actually played them so much I was even dreaming the game play in the scant few hours I slept between playing.
Little Big Planet, by the way, is wonderful. I keep trying to come up with an adequate description of the game for people and I'm at a loss for words. It's not really all that hard, but it's fun. I don't know how to make that sound better, but it is. Much. I can't remember the last time I got a new game and I really had fun. I mean, I always enjoy a new game but to just have fun in the most child-like sense of the word. Just to enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it. I'm also enthralled by the details of the game's overall look. It's just so damned... pretty. And unlike a lot of games, it's something I can see myself playing over and over again.
Underworld is also good, but a little buggy which is disappointing. I haven't had any major fuck-ups yet and believe me, you will hear about it if I do. Despite the bugginess it's been lots of fun to play. Overall the look of the game is amazing. Everything is beautiful and who doesn't love watching Lara Croft jump around exotic locals wearing almost nothing? Bouncy, bouncy, right? She even gets all glisteny after she goes for a swim. I can't imagine how these games ever got popular...
Anyway, I'll try and get some pictures of other ill gotten booty or ill booten gotty I got from people I know soon as some of it is rather awesome and other stuff just defies any clear explanation.


**The only reason I went out was because EB informed me they only just had the one backwards compatible PS3 and they could only hold it until the end of the day and I'll be damned if I was going to let it slip through my fingers and in to the hands of some grubby fucknut who just happened to wander in to the store. Crowds be damned, I wanted my fucking Playstation!

Happy Boxing Day

Try not to get trampled and for the love of Groucho, please folks, a 50% off sale is no reason to start a fist fight in the middle of Best Buy. Trust me.
For all of you weirdos who have no idea what I'm talking about - Boxing Day has more or less become our answer to Black Friday. Only it's after Christmas. Every idiot and their screaming brats load in to the car and head down to whatever store is having the best sales and proceeds to forget any manners they may have had before they walked through the front door. Then they all fight for the honour of spending money on crap they don't really need. All the while the unfortunate staff of any store open on boxing day spends their shift trying not to kill each and every person in the store and to hang on to the last shred of sanity left to them. Golly-gee, doesn't that sound like fun?
Personally, I'd rather sleep in.

Food For Thought And Also Eating

I love food. I love talking about food. I love eating food. I love cooking and baking. I love the food channel. It's all wonderful. By that same token, I'm also a food snob. This seems to be a constant source of entertainment for most people who know me well. I'm not a picky eater by any means, I just like quality food. Is that so wrong?
Now, all that being said, it's come to my attention over the years that I eat some weird things. I never thought anything of it until someone would see me eating something odd or it would come up in conversation and suddenly I'd have a room full of people laughing and asking all kinds of silly questions.
So, now to get this all out in the open, to get it out of the way, to save myself a lot of time later - here is a list of the weird shit I like to eat. A lot of it is ethnic type food, which thankfully is becoming much more common and the rest is shit I picked up from my family.

Raw fish - I eat sushi on an almost regular basis. I love raw fish. Yes, I can hear your jokes from here. Thanks. Oh and this also means I eat quite a lot of fish eggs. Tasty.

Pickled herring - I'm german, what can I say? I also love Kraut and sardines. It seems to be a genetic flaw.

Smoked eel - I love smoked eel more than I love most people. Fuck you if you don't. More for me.

Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches - They're good. Seriously. Try them. Smooth peanut butter, dill pickle, bread. Seriously.

Perogies with peanut butter - the only thing in the whole world that goes together with perogies as well as sour cream is peanut butter. Would I lie to you?

Tofu - I eat A LOT of tofu. I actually like it. You would too if someone cooked it for you properly.

Red bean paste - there's a chinese bakery in town that makes a variety of buns, my very favourite of which is the red bean paste (or sweet bean paste). The only thing I love more than those were the red bean paste dumplings my favourite chinese restaurant used to make. Man, I miss then so much.

Black tree fungus - It's crunchy, it's chewy, it's delicious. Leave me alone.

Seaweed - I have two packages in my freezer as I type and I often go and pull out a piece to eat. Just seaweed on it's own. It's good. Really.

hmmm... that's all I can think of right now.
I can't be the only one who eats weird shit! I just can't!

More Sad News

I was absolutely hearbroken to read that Majel Barrett passed yesterday. Majel was always one of my all time favourite Star Trek regulars. Whether it was as Number One (however short lived the character was), Nurse Chapel or in every episode as the computer. Although I must say that no one holds a candle to Lwaxana Troi, daughter of the fifth house, holder of the sacred chalice of Rixx, heir to the holy rings of Betazed.
The final frontier just won't be the same without her.

23 Hours And Counting *UPDATE*

Firstly, wow. I just reread what I wrote earlier and it's both worse than I'd hoped and better than I thought it would be. But then I should probably point out that since my last post I only managed to get one hour of sleep. Sort of.
I mean that I fell asleep on the couch watching Mission Hill and kind of half napped half just stared at the TV in some kind of weird sleep-deprived stupor. So we're getting on to about 35 hours on one hour of sleep. Which might not be so bad really if it weren't for the fact that I'm at work and I have to drive myself home in a little bit. (did I mention it's -30 outside with the wind?)
None of this is really making it very safe for me to be out and about. In fact, this is probably the stupidest thing I've done in a long time. Not that staying up was my idea. What else are you supposed to do when you can't sleep? Stay up, right? Yeah.
Secondly, I finished God of War which makes part of me sad because I really wanted there to be more game. The other part of me is way too excited that I beat the shit out of that game. That Kratos is one bad-ass Motherfucker.

23 Hours And Counting

In a little less than an hour I will have been up for a full day. Don't ask me why. I'm really not sure. Insomnia is a cruel master. The kind of cruel that some people pay money for in dimly lit, houses of ill repute and sticky floors where everyone wears black leather, it's not uncommon to see people being lead around on leashes, the floors are sticky but no one really wants to know why and no one should ever see fully lit. (At least, that's what I imagine those places are like.)
Insomnia coupled with a handful of painkillers and a new video game. It was just more than I could possibly have stood a chance against. I mean, honestly, I haven't even had any coffee. I just wasn't tired. (Although I did take out my contacts a little while ago, my eyes were starting to hurt.)
I'm starting to feel it now tho. I'm having trouble thinking clearly and speaking coherently. Also my arms are feeling distinctly waterlogged but then so are my legs. I guess, at least, I have a matched set. Right? Maybe I'm actually tired. Maybe it's the drugs kicking in. Maybe I'm dying from some new and exotic disease. Who knows?
If it is indeed the latter, I would like to leave my coffins to Janna, my cats to Robin, my bills to Amanda and everything else to Cole. Enjoy.
Oh and by the way, since I mentioned the new video game - God of War is so fucking awesome it hurts my brain. I'm just sad that I'm nearly finished it. I wish there was more. Kratos and me, we make one hell of a team. He's one fuckin wicked dude. We spent all day yesterday and all last night killing all manner of evil shit. And, goddamn, did we ever fuck the minotaur's shit up.
Boo-ya.

Bye Bye, Bettie

I was saddened to hear that Bettie Page passed away earlier today.
Like so many others I've been enthralled with her for years. She's the classic, the perfect and the notorious.
So bye bye, Bettie. No one will ever replace you.

Welcome To Meme-terpiece Theatre

Hey look, another meme I stole! Woo!

1. Pick 25 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDB, find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them in a note for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDB search functions. That's cheating and it ruins the fun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. "That guy is tense. Tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. The baritone was this guy named Kip Diskin, big fat guy, I mean, like, orca fat. He was so stressed in the morning..."

2. "You're in love. Have a beer."
"Oh, my body's a temple."
"Now it's an amusement park."

3. "Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well."

4. "I know it is a little early for Christmas, Edward, but; I have a present for you."

5. "I'm only an elected official here, I can't make decisions by myself!"

6. "And it is said that the Princess returned to her father's kingdom. That she reigned there with justice and a kind heart for many centuries. That she was loved by her people. And that she left behind small traces of her time on Earth, visible only to those who know where to look."

7. "And I'm the Devil. Now kindly undo these straps."

8. "It's an old habit. I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless but not men. How's your boy?"

9. "Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless negativism. Consider the lilies of the goddamn field or... hell! Take at look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope."

10. "I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death..."

11. "My grandfather's work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! "

12. "I wouldn't bring up Paris if I were you, it's poor salesmanship."

13. "After living in the USA for more than thirty-five years they called me an undesirable alien. Me. Johnny Rocco. Like I was a dirty Red or something!"

14. "I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed."

15. "Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell."

16. "I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye."

17. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

18. "Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?"

19. "Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures."

20. "Have no fear, little one... I am here to protect thee."

21. "Why should I love God? He strung up his only son like a side of veal. I shudder to think what he'd do to me."

22. "What a mystery this world, one day you love them and the next day you want to kill them a thousand times over."

23. "My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?"
"A picture of me?"
"No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!"

24. "Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up."

25. "Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who *mocks* him and *laughs* at him as he's repeatedly *crushed* and *maimed*! Hope you'll *enjoy* it!"

You Know What Today Is?

No, it's not Rex Manning Day.
IT'S DARK KNIGHT DAY! Yay!
So of course I went out and braved the ice and snow and cold and shitty drivers and Best Buy shoppers to get my grubby hands on my very own copy. Along with God of War and Motown Classics Gold. (Seriously, what is it with me and Best Buy? I never seem to be able to get out of that place without at lest three items. I can't remember the last time I went there and spent less than $30. It's like some kind of crazy money stealing vortex of entertainment. *sigh*)
Now I'm home again and I plan to celebrate this wonderful holiday (it is a holiday, right?) by sitting on my couch in my jim-jams and watching me some delicious Batman action. Feel free to join me, popcorn and snacks are welcome.

I Should Have Slept In

Sacked
Pink Slipped
Made Redundant
Walking Spanish
Bum's Rush
Laid Off
Given The Chop
Dismissed
Axed
Shit Canned
Dumped
Let Go
Terminated
Got The Boot
Discharged
Fired

I Was Always Suspicious

Oddly enough, I took the test for both of my cats - this one is for Ozzy. There is no surprise there. But I also took the test for Dorian, my stupid but lovable kitteh. His score? 80%
I'm surrounded by assassins.

I Vote We Cage Them

Can someone please tell me EXACTLY what a group of ten year olds (at most) is doing running around, unsupervised, downtown at 9pm? Because I would love to know who their parents are and why they think it's okay for their children to be running wild, making a fucking menace of themselves.
Honest to fucking god, I believe that most children should be kept in cages until they can prove that they are civilised enough to join us out here in the world. Because as it stands something needs to change. These little monsters are damned near intolerable for the most part and nearly all of the children I see in public could do with a swift kick in the ass. All of those screeching, whining, greedy, snot-nosed little bastards.
Actually, I'm going to take some of that back. They are children after all. They're stupid and impressionable. So it stands to reason they most of them are obnoxious little fucks with a seriously over developed sense of entitlement and a huge attitude problem. Their parents are the same fucking way.
I'm still of the opinion that people should have to submit to psychological testing and take an IQ test before they're allowed to breed. Most people are simply too fucking stupid to be allowed to raise people.

Happy Birthday Harpo!

Happy birthday Harpo. Wherever you are, I hope it's a good one.
Honestly, if you've never seen a Marx Bros. film, you should go do so now. Seriously. I recommend Animal Crackers as a place to start. Or A Night at the Opera. Or A Day at the Races. Just do it. Do it now.

Fuck You And The Horse You Rode In On

What the fuck is this, National Bullshit Month? I know it's not just me because I've heard it from several people in the last few weeks but it's wearing really fucking thin. I've had it up to my fucking eyeballs with just about everyone and their fucked up bullshit.
I am sick to fucking death of people treating me like shit and going out of their way to point out how fucking worthless they think I am. I am incredibly fucking tired of being lied to. I'm done with back stabbers. I'm just fucking finished. Really. Fucking. Finished.

Ever Have One Of Those Moments?

You know, when you remember something totally obscure from years ago? Some stupid shit that used to make you laugh and was somehow forgotten? And then out of no where it just comes to you and you're like "Holy shit! I need to find that again!"? Yeah, like that.
I just had one of those moments and thanks to the magic of the internets I found it. Jar Barf.
Seriously, am I the only one who remembers this? And why does it still make me laugh? And why haven't I watch Conan in so long?
Check out the Jar Barf Channel

Today I Hate Everything

I spent most of the night not sleeping.
"Why?" you ask.
Because I was in a lot of pain. Wait... did I say was? Like it was in the past? Like I'm not now? Scratch that. I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN.
Seriously, anyone who thinks being a woman has it's perks, is easier or whatever should have their balls shot off. I've taken enough painkillers to drop a small elephant and all they've done is dull the stabbing pain and make me nauseous.
Fuck you, everything. I hate you. You there! No, not you. You! Yeah, you. Fuck you.

Deal Breakers, I Got 'Em

Adam stole this so I don't feel bad from stealing it from him. I'm a jerk like that.
Some of these questions are more or less aimed at guys but I'll try to work around that or with it or something. I dunno. I guess you'll just have to read it to find out, now won't you? (also, this might provide some insight in to why I've been single for so long...)

Does your ad have any misspellings or poor grammar usage?
Honestly, if you don't have 100% perfect grammar all the fucking time, fine. I'm not a fucking grammar Nazi. But you start replacing words with "text chat" and you're not even worth my time. I don't have time for anyone who can't take the three seconds extra it takes to type properly.

Do you have a college degree?
As long as you're an intelligent person and can speak coherently on a number of subjects, I couldn't care less whether you have a degree or not. In fact, if you DO have a degree and constantly rub it in everyone's face and flaunt it like you're something special, chances are good that I will punch you in the throat.

How many tattoos do you have?
Actually I like tattoos. So I'm not picky about how many you have. I should mention however, I have very little to no interest in people who have stupid ass "I was drunk and thought it would be funny" and "I was too fucking cheap to pay for a good tattoo from someone who knows what they were doing" tattoos. I don't know why but those just piss me off and they make you look like a fucking douche bag.

How many kids do you have?
I'm really not a "kid person". At all. One kid of a reasonable age (as in one who is old enough to speak clearly, wipe their own ass and not given to bouts of crying over EVERYTHING) might, MIGHT be acceptable but they would have to be something really fucking special. And if you don't have kids but really want some, just stay the fuck away from me. I am NOT a breeder.

Do you watch television?
Well you'd better. Same goes for movies. I constantly reference tv shows and movies, quote lines, make inside jokes and am a general nerd. If you can't keep up I'm not interested. At all. Also, if you hate Sci-Fi, especially Star Trek, don't even bother. It would never work. (Actually, if you can't name the actors who played Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Picard, Riker, Data and Worf without having to think about it, don't bother. I'm not your type. Trust me.)

Do you have a driver's license?
A guy without a driver's license is... wrong. It's just wrong. There is no part of that that's okay. That is a serious deal breaker. That being said, I hate being a passenger so you DO NOT get to drive all the time. I don't care how un-macho it is. Suck it up, princess.

Do you have a sense of humor?
If not, just fuck off right now. If you can't make me laugh I don't even want to waste my time. Same goes if you think Dane Cook is hilarious, if you don't like George Carlin, if you don't get Monty Python, if you can watch Young Frankenstein without even cracking a smile and I could go on. But if you fall in to any of those categories I think it's best we just stop before we even start.

Can you support yourself?
I'm usually broke. I work, don't get me wrong but I'm still not making tons of money and I'm fine with that. I keep a roof over my head and I eat occasionally. So I don't mind someone who's not rolling in cash. Actually, I feel bad when someone is paying for me too often. Even if it's okay with them and they like doing it, it makes me feel like a mooch and reminds me that I don't have a lot. So as long as you've got the basics covered and you're not mooching off me, I'm cool with that.

Do you drink alcohol?
Drinking I'm okay with. I personally can't drink because of my health problems, but hopefully one day I'll be able to finish off my bottle of absinthe and the rum I have left. However, getting blind, stinking drunk at every given opportunity, not being a good drunk, etc. just turns me off. Big time. The same goes for drugs. I'm so not in to a guy who's into getting high. It's one of those things that instantly lowers my opinion of you and in a guy I'm considering dating, it makes me think you're less intelligent. I don't know why but it does.

Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?
If yes, it's not going to work out between us. Sorry. With my friends it's not a big deal (provided they don't preach to me and it's not a topic for discussion more often than once in a blue moon) but in a relationship it's an obstacle. Regardless of what you might think. And believe me when I say that you'll never convert me. Stronger people who I respect more have tried and failed miserably.

Do you have bad breath?
Serious deal breaker. I don't have much of a sense of smell but if I can smell your breath you need to get the fuck away from me. I mean, if you just ate something smelly, I understand. But constant bad breath makes me gag.

Are you ugly?
A friend of mine has been adamant (for years) that I only like "old weird guys". While I don't completely agree with her assessment, I will freely admit that I have an unusual taste in men. Personally, intelligence is more important to me than looks. Smarts are sexy. (And so are Kevin Spacey, Alan Rickman, Patrick Stewart, etc, etc, etc...)

Are you computer illiterate?
I don't expect anyone to be a computer genius but I don't ever want to have to explain how to turn the computer on. Being able to use a computer with confidence is important. So is not hating Macs. Because I love both my Macs, more than you. Deal with it.

Do you have really long fingernails?
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew. I cannot even put in to words exactly how much a guy with long fingernails grosses me out. I have no idea why, but hands are a very important feature to me and long nails make me gag. Just buy a nail clipper already. Seriously.

Do you smell like smoke?
Guys who smell like ash trays make me want to barf. Kissing a guy who tastes like an ash tray is even worse. Yuk, dude. Just yuk.

Do you like animals?
Well you'd better. I have two cats who I love more than most people. They live with me, you don't. Guess who's more likely to be replaced. Guys who don't like dogs just worry me. (And I have ever intention of getting a rottweiler, so if you're scared of big dogs, you need not apply.)

Do you enjoy going out to dinner?
Once in a while I don't mind going out. But when I do, I go to a sit-down place. Fast food is not my thing if I'm "going for supper with someone".

Do you have enormous boobs?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW... man-boobs. Just no, no and more no. I don't mind a bigger guy, but if your boobs are bigger than mine... *shudder* (the same goes for back hair... actually I'd take he-hooters over back hair any day. Especially if it's shoulder hair and back hair that forms a "hair vest".... *barf*)

To The Flyer Leaving Fuck

I got your flyer when I got home from a rather enjoyable evening out and I just want to say thanks. Thanks for killing the good times. Honestly at this point I'm so mad I don't even really know what to say. I'd probably start with "How dare you?"
That's "how dare you?" as is how dare you leave your hate-filled bullshit in random stranger's mail boxes? How dare you print such filth? How dare you promote hate and MURDER? Just how fucking dare you?
Kill the homosexual!? Are you fucking serious? And then to QUOTE THE FUCKING BIBLE!? To take your own religion and twist it to fit your disgusting ideas and hatred? To use your God to promote violence and murder?
While you were reading that oh so sacred book of yours, did you just skip right over the whole "Thou shalt not kill" bit? Or how about the part that says "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone"? Or "Love thy neighbour as thyself"? Or "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise"? Did you miss those bits completely? Or did they just not work with your vision of how things aught to be? (Oh yeah, that's right. I can't play "quote the bible" too.)
How about this, you stay the fuck away from my house and I'll leave my baseball bat in the back room? Okay? Because if I ever catch you leaving that kind of shit in my mailbox again, you're going to get a taste of what the vengeance of the lord feels like. You self-righteous, religious abusing, bible tainting, hate mongering, fuckwad.

Oh Yeah, We're Mature

I seem to be getting along alright with everyone at the new job but I had started to think that the one chick, let's call her "Sara", didn't care for me so much. It seems that we really just had to break the ice. Now that the ice has been broken we can get on with childish giggling at, well, everything. For instance...
The day before yesterday we were packing up returns for the delivery guy to pick up and Sara walked over and stood beside me. When she just stood there and didn't say anything I looked over at her and waited.
She looked at me kinda funny and said "How much do you think your box weighs?" Then she snorted, trying to stifle a laugh.
"I really don't know." I said. "It's not something I've ever really thought about. How much do you think my box weighs?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe we should ask the delivery guy how much he thinks your box weighs."
It was at this point we both cracked up.
And then today...
We were checking in new stock and pricing it. Some isn't for sale until the 11th so we were setting it aside. I had a stack of CDs ready to go and Sara walked over and grabbed them.
"I'm just going to shove these in my box."
I almost fell over I was laughing so hard. I also had another stack of CDs ready.
"Do you want to shove these in your box too?"
"Yeah, I think I can fit them in my box."
"You certainly have got a lot in your box."
"I think I can fit a lot more in my box if I shift some things around."
"Well I've got this Willie Nelson CD."
"Just one Willie?"
"Do you think you can fit more than one Willie in your box?"
"Oh yeah, I think I could fit a bunch of Willies in my box. I want to set a world record for stuffing things in my box."
"You know, while you've been busy filling up your box, I've got my box almost empty."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, my box is clean as a whistle."
"I hope to have my box cleaned out by Tuesday."
And once again we both cracked up.
It's good to be such mature, responsible adults.

Someone Needs To Check Your Dosage

Two weeks ago I started a new job at one of the local CD/DVD stores, which is super cool and all. But this store happens to be located right by a Tim Horton's (Timmy's, Tim's, Timmy Ho's, The Horton, whatever you want to call it - only real Canadians get it) and mostly because of the nearness of it I've been there nearly every day I've worked my new job.
Now as much as I hate to admit it because I know how fucking lazy it is, I normally just drive over (it's normally fast and a fuck of a lot easier when I'm also picking up orders for two or three other people - besides, fuck you). There seems to be a few people who work the Tim's drive-thru regularly so I've gotten to recognize them. One in particular is Jade.
Oh, Jade...
It all began last week when I pulled up to the drive-thru, ordered my carrot-wheat muffin and extra large steeped tea with three sugars and handed Jade my debit card (I don't often carry real money, so sue me) and she went all Leeroy Jenkins on me. "DEBIIIIIIIIIIT!?" She actually shouted it out the window. This was even more amusing because Jade happens to be a rather petit asian woman. I seriously though my eye balls were going to pop right out of my head from stifling my laugh. It was just so fucking insane and hilarious. But I figured she was just in a weird mood.
Then the yesterday one of the girls from work (let's call her "Amber") and I decided we needed to make a run to Tim's. So we hopped in the car (see, she's lazy too) and headed over. When we got to the order box, some crusty Tim's bitch who informed me that their debit was down so there was nothing they could do for me. So me and Amber drove to shoppers and I got some cash, then back to Tim's.
This time around there's not a word about the debit being down, which is fucking stupid as we'd only been gone five minutes. But whatever, I was hungry, in need of tea and Amber was getting antsy. So I start my order...
"I'd like an extra large steeped tea and two hashbrowns..." but Tim's bitch cuts me off.
"We stopped serving breakfast."
Oh my, you're right. It's two minutes after 11 because I had to drive to shoppers to get cash because your debit was down. Amber scrambles to pick something else.
"Okay, then give me a raspberry doughnut..." Tim's bitch cuts me off again.
"Raspberry filled?"
"Yes please."
"That's everything?"
"No, I also need a chocolate milk and a carrot muffin."
She barks the price at me and I drive up to the window while Amber and I laugh about how crusty the help is getting. Jade is waiting. "We're out of carrot muffins, would you like something else?"
Damnit. I wanted a muffin. But I'm too hungry to be pouty. "Um, I guess I'll have a whole wheat bagel then."
Amber suddenly has an attack of buyer's remorse and changes her mind about the doughnut. "And can I switch the doughnut to a chocolate chip muffin?"
Jade goes to get the new order. Amber and I chat and joke around while she's gone. She comes back to tell us they're out of chocolate chip muffins. By this time the whole trip has become such an ordeal that we're cracking up.
"Can I just have a raspberry muffin then?"
"That's your final order then? No more changes?" Jade asks, getting huffy.
"Yeah, that's perfect."
Jade comes back with the muffin, chocolate milk and my tea.
"Can I have three sugars and an extra cup please?"
The window slams shut and Amber makes some comment that has us both laughing (it was in regards to being honked at in a drive-thru). When Jade pokes her head out again we're still laughing.
"You guys are having enough fun then!" She snaps and THROWS two packets of sugar at me.
I kind of sat there, stunned and then Amber speaks up "Did she just throw sugar at you?" Which just makes me laugh.
"I still need my bagel!" I call to Jade. Finally she comes back and shoves the bagel in to my hands.
We drove off and as we're pulling up at work Amber looks at me and says "You asked for three sugars, didn't you? And did she give you a stir stick?"
"I have a sugar packet in my purse and there is no way in hell I'm going back to ask for a stir stick. I'm pretty sure she'd kill me."

From me To You 26

- Being in pain is no excuse for being a pain in the ass. My ability to feel bad for you is significantly decreased when you're being a bitch.

- If you think that cracking the whip and coming down hard on people is the best way to lead them and to get them to follow orders, you're an idiot. An idiot who's going to get their ass handed to them by a large group of angry people that don't like being treated like shit.

- If you have to change everything about how you conduct yourself to impress someone chances are that you're not going to be able to impress them anyway or you really aren't good enough. Either way, you're going to go down in flames so you might as well have fun along the way. Maybe if you loosen up they won't think you're a total ass-hat.

- If you have a problem with me, here's an exciting new approach - TELL ME. Don't tell someone else. Funny thing about coming and talking directly to me, shit gets sorted almost immediately. Oh and just FYI, if you do tell someone else and they tell me, chances are damned good I'm going to talk to you about it. So you won't escape me anyway and I'll be annoyed that I had to go through all this just to hear that you were upset about something stupid.

- Yes, I am like this all the time.

Happy Halloween!

Once again, it's my favourite day of the whole year and I get to spend the entire thing at work. *Sigh* So please, everyone, have a good time and have a little extra on my behalf. Maybe think of me for a bit. If you're in town, drop in and say hi. Bring me some candy.
At least I got to carve my three pumpkins (pictures soon).
Oh, and here's a song to celebrate.

Happy Gwenhwyfar Day!

Over the years I've been blogging I've managed to make some awesome friends (along with some weird ones... actually most of them are both) and gain a few readers. I've been a radio guest and a guest blogger. I've gotten my share of comments and what-not. All this is nice. But today was a little different.
Somehow I ended up being the subject of two separate blog posts, which made my morning blog rounds a rather interesting trip. It also made it clear that my plan to slowly but surely take over the world is well on its way. It all begins with the adoration of a few and soon it will build.
So in honour of me and my obvious amazingness I am claiming today. From now on let today be known as International Gwenhwyfar Day!

Honest, I'm Not Dead

I just got a new job and October is just one of those months where I'm always insanely busy. I promise I will try to post something more substantial in the next couple of days. But for now, here's a meme I stole from Ted.


Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you.

1) Your name?
1. gwen: adj. describing an attractive female

2) Your age?
1. 24: 24, The Jack Bauer Power Hour. The most entertainment you can stuff into a single day. Full of twists, turns, violence, and Elisha Cuthbert.

3) One of your friends.
1. robin: a shy person when you first meet them but then opens up to be a real character. they are usually fun to talk to.

4) What should you be doing?
1. sleep: You have been awake for 18 hours and are now viewing this useless definition of sleep. You are very tired and your brain is not functioning at its normal capacity. The bags under your eyes are starting to weigh you down. It's 1:30am and you have to get up at 6:30am for work. Another coffee wont help you now...

5) Favorite color?
1. green: yes... it is most definitely referring to the marijuana... and also, upon occassion, any substance with similar uses. too, properly, of course, it is a golfing term, but that;s really not very much fun, now is it?

6) Birthplace?
6. Regina : Scottish slang used to describe a situation of rage or anger.

7) Month of your birthday?
1. may: cool; sexy; hot

8) Last person you talked to?
1. travis: hottest guy ever!!!! usually used for sexual pleasure, but not in this case.

9) Your nickname?
1. Pita Bread: Money that was a Pain In The Ass to earn.

Not In Today

Hi, I'm not in right now. You can leave a message or you can go to The Road Less Unraveled.

I Will Rule You All With An Iron Fist

I just thought I'd all let you know that I've decided to run for president.

Top Ten: Trek Edition

If you all haven't worked it out yet, I'm a giant nerd and a huge Star Trek fan. That doesn't mean that I don't have issues with the show. Actually I think an integral part of being a Star Trek fan is having issues with things about the show. It means you're a big enough geek to start thinking about things enough to take issue with them and to form an opinion.
My biggest issue with any of the shows is that, for as good as much of the make-up was (even TOS was good for the time and the budget), some of it was just downright painful. It actually makes me want to hunt down the make-up artist and hit them. Worse than that, it distracts me from enjoying perfectly good episodes.
So here are my Top Ten Worst Star Trek Make-Ups

#10: Bolians

This may or may not be because I fucking HATE Mr. Mot. He doesn't show up often but when he does I just want to punch him in his silly blue divided face. GAH!

#9: Cheron natives

I know that this make-up is on a whole different level than the rest on this list, simply because it's so... oh god, I don't even know what this is. But let me explain that it's not even the make-up that gets me crazy. I mean, it's Frank Gorshin for fuck sakes. How could I hate Frank? In anything? It's just that this make-up is entirely too "Star-bellied Sneetches" and such a painfully obvious allegory the whole thing is just kind of painful.

#8: Tyrans

Am I the only one who thinks it looks kind of like she has a vagina on her face? I dunno. But it bothers the shit out of me every time I see it. Not because it looks like a vagina, but because it's so fucking distracting.

#7: Talosians

I know that from this picture you can't tell, but the back of their heads look like asses. Giant, pulsating asses. With gross veins. You can't tell me someone didn't notice that before they shot the episode. You just know there was one guy on set who burst out laughing and everyone was like "What? What's so funny, Bob?" and he had to try and stifle his laughter and pretend it was nothing. He probably said he was thinking of something he'd seen on TV the night before.

#6: Cardassian

Otherwise known as the Spoonheads. I have never liked this make-up. Ever. But Gul Ocett here is laughably bad. Her make-up is the kind of bad that makes grown make-up artists weep.

#5: Selay (tie)

When are the writers and make-up artists on Star Trek going to realize that they'll never be able to pull off a believable reptile make-up. Years after the Gorn shittied up TOS, the Selay showed up, large as life and twice as shitty for TNG. Jesus Christ on a cracker!

#5: Anitcans (tie)

Anitcans tie for the #5 spot because I honestly can't decide which of these I hate more and because they happened to appear on the same episode. From the look of them I would suspect they evolved from the chinese crested.

#4: Tilonians

I don't think I can even begin to put into words how much I hate this make-up. I don't know who sculpted this prosthetic, but it looks like something a five year old would have come up with. I really don't even have words for this. It hurts my soul.

#3: Gorn

Okay, I swear I'm not trying to pick on TOS. But the Gorn gripe my ass something awful every fucking time I watch "Arena". I mean, the episode itself is one of my least favourites, but a big part of it is this fucking make-up. Between his disco ball eyes, his ill-fitting rubber muscles, his non-functional mouth, his stupid sparkly Tarzan outfit and that goddamned hissing-gurgling noise he makes, this has got to be one of the most ridiculous aliens to ever grace the Star Trek universe. The worst part is that we're supposed to believe this slow moving, silly looking, dip shit is scary.

#2: Andorians

These goofy bastards are a constant source of annoyance. Don't even try to blame these on the times either. This picture is from TOS, yes but the Andorians have shown up later on in other series and they're still a bunch of goofy fucking bastards. I'm not sure what bugs me more, the stupid ass blue skin or the fucking antennae. In fact, I think I actually hate the newer version more than the old version.

#1: Antedeans

Holy hell! Where to start? I really don't know. This is by far and away the worst Star Trek alien EVER. Everything about them is wrong. EVERYTHING. Even their outfits. People often complain that too many of the Trek aliens just had some weird shit on their foreheads or their noses but if this is an example of what happens when they go all the way, then by all means, carry on with the forehead and nose mods. Please. For the love of god. For my sake.

I Got Nothin'

Sweet zombie Jesus, I'm bored. Really, painfully, mind-numbingly, soul crushingly BORED. It really doesn't help that the last couple of days have been grey. Dull, shitty, drizzly, windy as fuck and grey. Who has the energy to do anything when the weather is like this? No one. That's who.
I know that I have a lot coming up fairly soon that's going to have me insanely busy and I should just shut the fuck up and enjoy the lull while I can. But, god-fucking-damnit! I HATE being bored!
So, anyone got any ideas? Anything? I'm fading fast here.

(Also, I've been going over my idea for an old-timey radio murder mystery for Blog Talk Radio again. I still think it would be tons of fun. Is anyone interested? For reals?)

More Shit I Stole From Other Blogs

I totally stole this from Vulgar Wizard because stealin' is fun!


1. My uncle once: got a soup ladle full of chili stuck in his mouth

2. Never in my life: have I eaten a kitchen sponge

3. When I was five: Pluto was a planet

4. High school was: a colossal waste of time

5. I will never forget: that you still owe me $50

6. Once I met: the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Nice guys actually, we still do coffee once a week.

7. There’s this girl I know: who bears a striking resemblance to Jack Klugman

8. Once, at a bar: I got the shittiest service ever from a waitress that looked like Sinead O'Connor

9. By noon, I’m usually: not dressed yet

10. Last night: I should have gone to bed earlier

11. If only I had: a life

12. Next time I go to church: I'll have to remember to take my iPod

13. What worries me most: is what the comments on YouTube says about us as a society

14. When I turn my head left I see: Jim

15. When I turn my head right I see: John

16. You know I’m lying when: I'm not vertical but horizontal

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: saturday morning cartoons

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: in one of those plays nobody talks about

19. By this time next year: I'd better have more money

20. A better name for me would be: Edgar

21. I have a hard time understanding: how no one could see that Clark Kent was Superman

22. If I ever go back to school: it had better not be a waste of time

23. You know I like you if: I ask you for your opinion

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: The academy. You have to remember to thank them.

25. Take my advice: if someone tells you something is hot and not to touch it, it's best to just believe them

26. My ideal breakfast is: made by someone else

27. A song I love but do not have is: ... If I loves it, I gets it. Duh.

28. If you visit my hometown: be sure to stop in and say hello, you jerk

29. Why won’t people: just go away or failing that, give me money?

30. If you spend a night at my house: don't worry, I have handcuffs and a ball-gag

31. I’d stop my wedding so: I could figure out exactly how the fuck I ended up engaged in the first place

32. The world could do without: your attitude, mister

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: touch a moth

34. My favorite blonde is: a dog

35. Paper clips are more useful than: most library regulars

36. If I do anything well it’s: a total fluke

37. I can’t help but: wonder why I'm still doing this meme

38. I usually cry: wolf

39. My advice to my child: if you can't beat them, pay someone to have them beaten

40. And by the way: those pants make your ass look huge

Oh For The Love Of...

Can I just ask you all a question? Because I'm dying to know. What the fuck is wrong with some people? And why do those people always come to the library? I'm really at a loss.
If you hadn't guessed already, I had to work tonight. As most Thursday nights go, it was slow and coupled with the fact that we've shown both the movies before, it was fucking painful. So I wasted as much time as I could and then ended up sitting in on the second movie. (I hadn't seen it and it was actually well worth it.)
After the show I checked the theatre, closed up and got ready to head home. But before I left I stopped in the washroom. Now the staff washroom is on the other side of two locked doors and, frankly, not worth the hassle if you're in a rush to go home so I just used the public washroom.
When will I ever learn?
Now I'm sure your choice of bathroom stall says lots about you, but for me I almost always go for the first stall. I don't know why. Laziness probably. Why walk to the other end if I don't have to? So that's the one I went to this evening. I pushed open the stall door and stopped. Like screeching halt, red-alert, iceberg dead ahead, kind of stopped.
(This is the part where you can imagine the Psycho shower stabbing-type music.)
Smeared across the inside of the open lid and mushed between the lid and the seat was a hefty piece of shit. I'm not talking about a little tiny streak, I'm talking a mashed up log.
At this point I ran to another stall. After which I washed my hands. Thoroughly. Then told the projectionist about the problem. I mean, wouldn't you? And he, of course, told maintenance. The maintenance guy came to take a look.
His description?
"Looks like peanut butter!"
Oh yeah, all class.
He also decided to leave it for the morning guy.
Me? I left. Quickly. That is sooooooo not my job.

These Are My (Someecards) Confessions

So here's the deal, I went to someecards and found five cards to confess with.
Enjoy!