Someone Should Show This To Hallmark

This has got to be one of the best shirts I've seen in a long time. It's probably best not to admit it if you don't understand.

A Couple Of These And A Bottle Of Jolt, I'll Be Ready For Anything

A few days ago I stumbled across www.thinkgeek.com and have been slowly making my way through their inventory, checking it out, making a mental note of the things I like. Today I found Black Black and I'm very intrigued. Caffeinated gum and candy! This is something I've gotta try!
What would I do without wacky Japanese products?
I grow painfully bored, whither and die. That's what.

I Hope You're Happy.... Jerks

So I've decided to finally do something about the suggestions I've gotten from various people and start a sister site to Shit I Hate. So from now on, those of you living vicariously through me can now stand in awe... or read in awe Shit I love.
Enjoy.

Of Course

I would have to find this after Christmas.
Oh well, now I have my shopping done for next year. Though I'm sure by then someone will have realized the marketing gem of bottling another kind of "air" for your loved ones.

At Least Joe Camel Was Subtle

So I'm at my Aunt's house finishing off one of my Christmas presents. She has a kiln and was kind enough to fire stuff for me and let me use her paints. I'm kinda thinking that she may be regretting that.
While I was painting Spider-man I happened to glance over at the shelf against the wall (she does ceramics so her basement is full of the stuff) and this is what I see:



The first thing that runs through my head is "holy shit! Those reindeer have testicles for heads!". That is also, unfortunately, the first thing to come out of my mouth.
My Aunt tells me I'm sick and that no one has ever said that before, so I show them to G. He agrees with me and points out that not only do they have sack heads, the sack heads appear to be wrinkled. He then names them the Sackalope and starts drawing them.
We laughed for like 20 minutes and my Aunt still thinks I'm a sicko, but I ask you - Are those not the most testicle like heads you've ever seen?

Goddamnit

It isn't even over yet and this is already the worst Christmas ever. I'm sure the Universe must think this is really funny, but seriously, I give. Can we call a truce or something. I don't want to play any more.

From Me To You 17

Man, it's been ages since I've done one of these.

- I know it seems like a good idea, but trust me, making the most paranoid, insane worry wart the OH&S rep is a bad idea. A really bad idea.

- When someone tells you they don't like Christmas, that's not the cue to play 50 questions to discover the reasons behind it.

- When someone tells you they don't like Christmas, don't then start trying to convert them/annoy them by constantly talking about how great christmas is and singing christmas songs. That is the best way to get your ass kicked by a grinch.

- If you're watching a nerdy type program, let's say Babylon 5, and then get excited because one of the guest stars is someone so obscure you have to explain who he is to everyone in the room, let's say Paul Williams, you are a nerd. A really big nerd.

- If you're watching Gargoyles and you can pick out 2 or more cast members who are also Star Trek: TNG cast members and Bill Fagerbakke, you are also a nerd. Especially if you know who Bill Fagerbakke is.

- If you can pick out Frank Welker based only on his animal noises, you have entirely too much time on your hands. This is even worse if you can pick out Maurice LaMarche based only on his belching.

- Pinched nerves suck. A lot. Try to avoid them.

- When a three year old points something out in that horribly blunt kind of way, it's cute. When anyone else does it, not so much.

Damn It!

I haven't been sleeping well the last few days. For whatever reason I kept waking up obscenely early. Today is my day off and for the first time in about a week and a half I was actually sleeping pretty well (by my standards anyway). So, of course, the Gods decided run their entire heard of etherial cattle over my house so they could all shit on me.
At 8.15am, which for some of you I know isn't early (but for those like me who couldn't get to sleep until around 2.30am it bloody well is), I was woken by the sound of someone pounding on my door. And I should clarify here that where I live, at this time of year, 8.15 is still fucking dark outside, so when someone wakes you up it's even more jarring.
I stumble blindly, half asleep to the door. It's nearly pitch black in the house and in my sleepy stupor I neglect to put on my glasses (not that in the dark they would have done a lot of good), but I get to the door without running into anything. It being early and me not expecting anyone, I peek through the curtain to see who the fuck it is.
There stands a man in black, hooded and all, face completely hidden in the shadow of his hood. At that point I was hoping it was Death and he had the other three horsemen down the street or something. I figure, well I can't keep Death waiting, though I was curious as to why he bothered knocking and didn't just come in. When I open the door however, I find not Death (nor War, Pestilence or Famine), but a jackass in a hoodie wearing a neon vest like a good little city worker. He's asking me to move my car. Now. Because they're starting work on the street.
This is not what I want to hear.
I can't believe that they didn't know that they were coming to do work today. And if they did know then is it so beyond the city to let people know? So maybe we wouldn't all park on the street? So we wouldn't all have some asshat waking us up so we can all tromp out in the snow?
The city has also been so kind as to neglect my street (along with countless others) when clearing the streets. The whole length of the street is covered in loose snow that you're more than likely to get stuck it and the alley is even worse. And it's snowing, again. All of this makes the relatively simple task of moving one's car into a nightmare. Especially since I'm half asleep and my car is, much like the steet, covered in snow.
It ended up taking me nearly fifteen minutes to move my car.
Now I'm cold, grumpy and wide awake.
I have a feeling that it's going to be one of those days.
Stupid everything.

I Say Why Not?

Every now and then I form irrational obsessions with things. It doesn't really matter what it is, in fact it's more often than not with random things I stumble across and for no better reason than that it made me laugh. The egg cuber is one of those things.
I happened to read a blog entry about them yesterday and now I need one. I don't know why, but I do. Though I'm not limiting myself to square eggs, oh no, I want any type of egg mold.
As I understand it, they're popular in Japan. People like to have interestingly shaped eggs in their bento boxes. So at least I'm not the only weirdo who thinks molded eggs are great.
But where the hell am I going to find one around here? I might just have to break down and order one off the internet.
Yes, I am very aware that there is something seriously wrong with me, but at least it's entertaining.

Peter Boyle (1935 - 2006)

Peter Boyle passed away last night at the age of 71.
As much as I don't like "Everybody loves Raymond", I've always been a fan of Peter Boyle. "Young Frankenstein" is one of only a handful of movies that I can watch time and time again and it always makes me laugh. Watching him and Gene Wilder singing Putin' on the Ritz makes me laugh until I cry.

Kanye West Isn't Just An Egomaniac

He's also unoriginal. And Evil Knievel is going to sue his ass for using his image in the "touch the sky" video. Funny how people get pissy when you use their shit without asking first and unfortunately for Kanye that means a lawsuit.
I wish I could say I feel sorry for him, but Kanye has been pissing me off for a while. This asshole just loves himself WAY too much. It's a shame we all could sue him for being subjected to his ego when he stormed the stage at the music videos awards.

Shhhhhhh!

They're putting new floor in at work (in case you're not aware, I work in a library). I'm just wondering if they're going to add anything else to make it even louder in here. The lino they picked to replace the carpet is textured, so the trolleys we use to move shit around on now make more noise than I thought possible.
I think we should add some jingle bells and a couple of sirens for good measure. The we could swap the trollys for old school kiddy waggons with the ear splittingly loud plastic wheels. Some people are still able to think over the noise.
Let me tell you folks, the libraries of the movies where everything is quiet and orderly with librarians shushing everyone are just a myth. If you're going to a real library you might want to invest in some ear plugs.

The Truthiness, The Whole Truthiness And Nothing But The Truthiness

I was excited to see that Stephen Colbert (who aside from being pretty damned hot is one hell of a fake news reporter) was honored this week with the naming of his word "Truthiness" as word of the year. A finer word they could not have picked.

Sunday Morning Wonderings

I was sitting around this morning wondering how Chris is doing in Japan. He's been incommunicado for the last little while, as he has no internet and one would have to assume he's been busy with work and settling in. Somehow, my curiosity concerning his well-being turned in to this...









Hope you're having fun in the land of the rising sun.

I'd Be Screaming Too

It's usually around this time of year I start getting hassled for being a grinch. Sorry folks, I'm just not in to Christmas. Thankfully it seems as though I'm not the only one. These kids seem even more unimpressed with it than I am.

Straight Flush, Bitches!

I finally got to see the new James Bond last night and despite my concerns that it wouldn't live up to the hype, I have to admit they were unfounded. The movie was excellent, not only did it live up to any expectations I had, but completely surpassed them.
It was just a good movie over all, leaving me struggling to find any weaknesses and completely at a loss for things to complain about. That's the first time I can remember that happening in ages.
Daniel Craig was really brilliant as Bond, though I have to admit, a lot of my skepticism revolved around him. I had sided with the purists when I saw that they had cast a blue eyed, blond Bond - but by the time the credits rolled the blue eyes won me over... or maybe it was the smile... or the abs.... I don't know, but it was good.
Mads Mikkelsen was absolutely fabulous as le Chiffre. He pulled of that cold-hearted, calculating and eerie calm that make a bad guy something special. And though it had nothing to do with his actual performance, the cloudy eye they gave him was excellently done.
My only real complaint was that I had been told there was a shot of Bond's junk in there somewhere. Believe me, I watched closely and that was one very junk free movie. How disappointing.
Seriously though, if you haven't seen it already... do so now. Right now. Stop reading this and go to the closest theater.

Three Decades And Some Things Never Change

It was Jay's birthday (of Jason's incredibly lame blog fame) the other day, so we went out to celebrate tonight. A good time was had by all and much was drunk especially by the birthday dude. Aside from having to go out in the shitty weather, it was an awesome night.
Highlights from this evening include, but of course not limited to:

- Jason dodging the "two mead maximum" by getting others to order mead for themselves and then leaving them within reach of him.

- Boo scarring all the new people by... well... being Boo.

- Reid scarring all the new people by regaling us with his many shit stories.

- Bad drunken joke telling by Holly.

- Blackberry Mead Cheesecake.

- A fight outside the bar, not involving Jason or anyone from the party. (So Jason managed to keep his word by not giving Reid a bloody nose this year.)

- Jason falling on his ass in the snow.

So, Happy Birthday Dude. Hope it was a good one.

Holy Melamine!

I'm a big fan of kitsch, especially when it has that 50's flare. I don't know why, I just do. I also have a serious weakness for dishes, don't ask me to explain, I can't. All I know is that more than one person has threatened me with physical violence if I bring home any more dishes and it still hasn't stopped me. So Pop Ink is probably a bad place for me to be poking around.
I really need to set aside some money and order a set of plates, or two... or three...

Speaking Of Snow

Who could use a scarf? I know I sure could.
In case the Blood Scarf doesn't do it for you, you could try a meat pillow or just a simple pill-ow. You can check them all out here.

It's Here!

Well, it's finally here. I was actually starting to think it would never come. But we finally have snow.
I know I'm probably the only person who lives in a place that gets snow to be cheering its arrival, but I'm really kind of glad it's here. Besides, I do much better in the cold than the blistering heat. Proabably has something to do with my black heart.
I'll just sit here quietly and wait for the angry mob of winter hating people to show up and rip me to shreds. (That is, if they can get their cars started.)

A Sad Day In Cinema History

Robert Altman passed away yesterday at the age of 81.

Not Taking Any Shit

I love when people go all the way with their revenge. By the sounds of it, this guy got what he deserves.
Click on the image to get a better look.

Paging Sigmund Freud

Well, I think I've got my Christmas shopping done. Everyone's getting one of these.

That's Right, Another One

One Word Answers

1. Yourself: neurotic
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: none
3. Your hair: thick
4. Your mother: insane
5. Your father: perfectionist
6. Your favorite item: computer
7. Your dream last night: bad
8. Your favorite drink: coffee
9. Your dream car: smart
10. The room you are in: bedroom
11. Your ex: pariah
12. Your fear: failure
13. What you want to be in 10 years: success
14. Who you hung out with last night: friends
15. What you're not: meek
16. Muffins: stump
17: One of your wish list items: money
18: Time: 4.28
19. The last thing you did: surf
20. What you are wearing: clothes
21. Your favorite weather: rainy
22. Your favorite book: Boudica
23. The last thing you ate: apple
24. Your life: rollercoaster
25. Your mood: varies
26. Your best friend (s): awesome
27. What are you thinking about right now: business
28. Your car: borrowed
29. What are you doing at the moment: waiting
30. Your summer: over
31. What is on your tv: movies
32. What is the weather like: good
33. When is the last time you laughed: night

Yes I Know It's Lame... And Stolen

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie

Opening Credits: Do what you want - OK Go

Waking Up: Tiny cities made of ashes - Modest Mouse

First Day At School: Around the world (honestly, I don't know who it's by or why the hell it's in my iTunes)

Falling In Love: Bang, Bang (My baby shot me down - Nancy Sinatra (well, that's fitting)

Fight Song: I'm only happy when it rains - Garbage

Breaking Up: Hell - Squirrel Nut Zippers

Prom: Bye Bye Baby - OK Go

Life: Twilight - Squirrel Nut Zippers (wow, that's lame)

Mental Breakdown: Lately it's so quiet - OK Go

Driving: Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson

Flashback: The fix is in - OK Go (told you I like them)

Getting Back Together: Bang, Bang, you're dead - Dirty Pretty Things

Wedding: Goodbye, Eddie, Goodbye - The Juicy Fruits

Birth of Child: Triplets of Belville (that's scary)

Final Battle: Them there eyes - Billie Holiday (what a bizarre battle it would be)

Death Scene: Carry me, Carrie - Dr. Hook

Funeral Song: It's all coming back to me now - Meatloaf

End Credits: Green hornet theme - Al Hirt (now that'd be awesome)

OK Go!

If you haven't heard of them, seen their amazing videos, born witness to their awesomeness in general... then you, my friend, should crawl out from under whatever rock you dwell under and listen up. OK Go is one of my new favourite bands.
If nothing else, check out their damned videos at YouTube. Do it! Do it NOW!

Taps

They're fixed! Woot! So I have water at my house again and the taps aren't spraying water everywhere. I also didn't have to rip down an entire wall to fix them, which is even better.

Seriously.

I'm adding two new links to the site. Normally I wouldn't make a formal announcement, but these are important.
In the last couple of months a few of the coolest people lost their battle with cancer.
So do what you can to help make sure this doesn't keep happening. No one should have to go through what they, their families and their friends have gone through.
You'll be able to find links to the Canadian Cancer Society and the American Cancer Society from now on.

I Needed One

I usually bitch about patrons at the library, but today I got one of those rare exeptions - a nice patron. Seriously. I couldn't believe it either.
She was this little old lady, looking for older movies or tv shows she could take to her seniors group and she asked for some help trying to pick out a few things. I did my best and I do like old movies and shows so I could actually offer some decent help.
She found a few things she liked and thanked me gratefully, then quite out of the blue, gave me a hug.
Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT want every patron I help hugging me, but this was too funny and cute in the "grandma" kinda way.
Anyway, it was a damned side better then most of the shit I've gotta deal with.

Arg!

Stupid Everything!
Last night, around 10.30 - 11pm, I'm watching TV. Naiomi's in the shower. The cats are doing whatever it is that cats do when you're not watching them.
I've lived in my house for long enough to know the house sounds. All the little noises everything makes, up to an including what the house sounds like when the taps are running. The sounds coming from the bathroom was not a sound I had ever heard before and since my house has a long history of falling in to complete chaos without notice, I became reasonably terrified.
I walked over to the bathroom to see if I could work out what was going on. Just as I reached the door, it swings open and a very soggy, thankfully toweled, Naiomi looks at me and says something along the lines of "It's not my fault, but the tap won't shut off."
Fuck.
I rush into the steam filled bathroom, it would have to be the hot tap that's on, and try to stop it. I turn the tap a few times. Nothing happens. The tap feels like it's tightening a bit, but the water just keeps on pouring.
Fuck.
I call my dad. He says I have to turn off the main water. This is a problem because I a) don't have any fucking clue where the main water is b) have to go down into my terrifying, awful, pit ofdespair that is the basement c) have a bunch of stuff sitting on the cellar-type door into the basement.
Fuck.
So we frantically move the shit off the basement door. I scramble downstairs while Naiomi has the good sense to fill a pot with some water, since we'll be waterless for the night. Over the phone my dad tells me where the main water tap should be. I find it, it's a good thing to know the location of as it turns out, and I turn it off.
I'm really happy I decided to shower last night and not this morning.
Today my dad's coming over to take a look at the tap. He's hoping it's just the washer. Worst case, we have to replace the taps which involves taking down tiles, the wall and replacing part of the pipes. That would leave me waterless for another day. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
Damned stupid everything.

Rubber Band Terrorist?

So apprently flying with a rubber band ball is out, unless you like getting arrested. This guy's story illustrates that pretty well.

Impressive

I found this site through Boing Boing this morning and I have to say, it's impressively dark and twisted. Actually I'm trying to decide whether they're for real or not.
Anyway, I'd suggest a look see at least.

Drinking, Puking, Slobbering Mess

That pretty much sums up Day 1 of Chris' farewell weekend. He's moving to Japan for a year (at least, anyway) so he's entitled to a decent send off.
Tonight he had his heart set on joining the Guinness club. For anyone who doesn't know, to join the club you need to drink 8 pints in one sitting and Chris weighs roughly 90 lbs. I knew from the get go it was going to be a messy night.
He handled the first few pretty well, but half way through number 4, things started to get ugly. He debuted his drunk face and started to worry that he would fail in his second attempt to join the club. But our mighty Chris pressed on.
Some memorable quotes from the evening...

Chris: I can't smile on command.
Jo: You can't smile like a man?
Chris: On command!
Jo: A man?


Scott: Did you puke?
Chris: (very matter-of-factly) Yes.

Chris: It's the awkward turtle. He's know all over the place. Like, far away. Like, Ontario and Wisconsin and California.

There was also a guy working at the bar with the worst hair EVER. It was so bad I was actually hoping it was a wig he put on as a joke.
It wasn't.
It was like some kind of nasty, rat-nest, badly streaked, back combed, just got out of bed, someone puked in my hair, mullet from hell. I actually laughed out loud when I saw it. I wouldn't make fun if he just had hair that was hard to style or something, but this was clearly intentional. Kyle and I tried to point the guy out to Chris when he asked why we were laughing, but he totally missed him. Kyle made the mistake of asking him if he knew the mullet man. Chris took the opportunity to sing 10 minutes of a garbled half made up version of Do you know the Mullet Man? It was lovely.
When he finished with his tune, he looked up just in time to see the guy we had been trying to point out.
His response?
"Hey! That guy has a mullet!"
He also managed to slosh a bit of beer on the table, wipe it up with a napkin and then couldn't figure out where the beer soaked napkin came from. When I reminded him about the spilt beer he called me a liar and swore that he never spilled a drop. Just for that, me and Kyle spent the rest of the evening screwing with his head (emptying and refilling his water glass at random, making up times when he'd ask what time it was, etc.). It was fairly juvenile, I admit, but we were the only two not drunk ones there.
But I digress. Chris went on to finish off his 8th pint, puking several times and making a mad, wobbly dash to the can, hand clamped over mouth, and puked one final time before the bouncer asked us nicely to leave.
I then led a seriously weaving Chris back to the car and gave him one puke-free ride home, during which he told me no less that 5 times how happy he was to have made it through all 8 pints.
So way to go dude, way to go.

Why The Hell Are They Clapping Like That?

Does anyone else remember a kids game show from the late 80's early 90's where pairs of kids sat in cars and they all clapped with their hands over their heads like stupid asshats?
I remember the show but I can't for the life of me remember the name of the damned thing. Can anyone help?
Seriously, this is driving me crazy.

Attack Of The Snails!

I was casually scanning the news headlines on Yahoo this morning when I found myself re-reading one of them. Giant Snails Invade Barbados. The headline made me laugh so hard I had to read the artical.
I realize that these snails are causing some serious damage there, it's just that it seems like the plot from some shitty, B-movie.
When they talk about snails "swarming", all I can think of is the scene in Austin Powers when he runs the guys over with the steam roller... very... very... slowly.
Allaby Small, 66, has started lighting bonfires a few nights a week to kill the snails encroaching on his house, and said he worries they will find a way under his roof to his home.

I Think I'm In Love

This website is absolutely full of pieces I love. Andy Paiko's work is just painfully beautiful. It's the kind of work I would design a whole house around.
Check it out. Seriously.
(Thanks for the link Jay.)

That's Right, More Halloween Stuff

I finally got the pics of my pumpkin from my mom's camera, so here it is.
One little kid thought it was Indiana Jones. I almost didn't give that kid any candy.

I Never Thought I'd Say This...

But House & Garden had a spread last month that I love. I want the whole thing.
Check it out here.

Parents With Waaaaaaay Too Much Money

Check out some of the shit they have for sale over at Posh Tots. I can't imagine why anyone who think their children would need a bed that costs $47,000, but they sure have one.

Fun-stein

I found this site a little earlier today.
Enjoy.

I Know The Saying "It Takes All Kinds", But...

This is guy should be locked the fuck up. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with some people?

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A disturbing case was discovered Tuesday about a Central Ohio man who allegedly told police he likes to drink the urine of adolescent boys.
Alan Patton, 54, is in jail after allegedly telling Gahanna police that he enjoys drinking urine.
Detective Ron Fithen interviewed Patton after he was arrested while leaving a movie theater last weekend.
"Listening to his describe it, it's like listening to a crack or cocaine addict. He's addicted to children's urine," Fithen said.
According to police, Patton said he's been drinking urine for years.
"He told us he's been doing it over 40 years, since he was 7 years old," Fithen said.
Police said Patton goes to family restaurants and movie theaters and waits for boys in a bathroom stall. Investigators said he shuts off the water to the child-level urinal and puts a cup in the bottom.
Patton allegedly told police that he leaves the stall after the child leaves.
"He goes back and retrieves the cup and drinks the urine," Fithen said.
Police said Patton told them it makes him sick, but that it's almost spiritual to him. He allegedly added, "I like it because it makes me closer to them -- like I'm drinking their youth."
A New Albany father played a role in Patton's arrest. He told someone at a movie theater that Patton was staring at his son in the bathroom. The theater employee then called police.
Officials said Patton is a registered sexual predator, who was convicted of rape 13 years ago.
Police believe Patton has been collecting and drinking urine in cities around Central Ohio, including Hilliard, Westerville, Dublin, Worthington and Gahanna.

This artical was found at http://www.nbc4i.com/news/7302651/detail.html

Ape People? Seriously?

I have no idea how reliable this source is, but this artical is almost too strange for words.

Awesomest... Fireplace... Ever!

This has got to be the best fireplace in the world. Possibly the universe.Seriously.
I want one.

Finally, A Holiday That Wasn't Made Up Just To Sell Greeting Cards!

It's International Spaz day today.
In the words of my cousin:
I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or
occasionally shit yourself. You hang in there sunshine, you're fucking
special

Halloween Shit

YAY! It's Halloween and I'm happy! I thought I'd post a picture or two of some of this year's handiwork.
Naiomi finally decided to go as a drag queen, or more accurately, a chick pretending to be a dude pretending to be a chick. She made herself some fake boobies out of balloons filled with rice. They looked good but they didn't quite have that "boobie" feel to them. The knot in the balloon also made an excellent nipple.

She had fun playing with them, well, everyone had fun playing with them.

Here's a closer look at her face. The picture doesn't do her lips justice. I used a thick goopy lips gloss over the red lipstick and then pressed heavy glitter in to the gloss. It was FAB-ulous!
I unfortunately don't have a picture of the costume I made for my friend's kid. Hopefully she'll take a few so I can post them.
All in all it was a pretty slow year, but everything worked out well and I think everyone was reasonably happy.

From Me To You 16

I haven't done one of these in a while and I wouldn't want you all to think I don't care about your well being, so here we go.

- Never, and I can't stress this enough, NEVER do any kind of custom work without getting money first. Regardless of who it's for. Especially for musicians. Even more so for metal guys. Trust me.

- Offering last minute invites to people is just insulting. Don't bother, most people would rather be mad at you than feel like you pity them.

- Making fun of someone who is well within eye stabbing range and is holding something with which they may stab, is a really, really bad idea.

- If you're doing something embarrassing in a place where you might get caught, chances are you'll get caught.

- People can see you in your car. Trust me. Singing along with the radio animatedly, picking your nose and any of the other ridiculous things you think no one can see are clearly visible through the car windows. You look like an ass by the way.

That's Right, There's Only One Of Me

Thank God, I know.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

And I Don't Even Like Cake

I'm not much of a girly-girl and I certainly don't sit around day dreaming about my wedding. In fact, just typing that made me gag a little. But that aside, should hell ever freeze over and I actually get married, this is the cake I want.



Best... Cake... Ever.

Grumble, Grumble, Cough, Grumble...

Whoever first said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger was a fucking moron and they probably didn't come up with that little gem after spending four days being horrendously ill or puking their guts out for twelve hours straight. Trust me on that one, because I've done it and I can say with absolute certainty that I do not feel stronger.
A mere 24 hours ago I wasn't thinking to myself "Gee, I bet this makes me stronger", though I was having some fairly cozy thoughts of death. Even now that I've finished puking I would still have to improve to feel like death warmed over. At the rate I'm going I should buy stock in Kleenex and ginger ale.
I keep asking Naiomi to put me out of my misery, but she keeps coming up with bullshit excuses like "legalities".
It's nice to know who I can turn to in my hour of need.
My mother was kind enough to drop off some ginger ale and gravol for me, which I thought was nice until she burst in, dropped the stuff on the floor, told me she didn't want to get too close and ran. Also she later told me that when she got back to her car she doused herself, the steering wheel and the driver door panel with hand sanitizer.
Where would we all be without that motherly love?
I think being sick is making me a little grumpy.

Whoa, Slow Down There

Last night Naiomi and I went over to Russ's place to watch cartoons (yes, a group of adults were sitting around on a Saturday night watching cartoons) and a couple more people ended up coming over as well. One of them, for the purposes of this post we'll call Eh Steve.
Eh Steve seems like a pretty cool dude and I just want to take this opportunity to thank him. You see Eh Steve taught us all a very valuable lesson - Sometimes you shouldn't offer information too quickly.
I'll give you an example. If the cops were to show up at your house asking about some dead guy, don't just jump right in with "he wasn't here, I think I saw him at Joe's place." You should probably go with "What dead guy?"
Same goes with what happened to Eh Steve.
We were talking about Clerks 2 and Silence of the lambs, more importantly the "Man-gina" scenes in both. Russ asks "What's a man-gina?" (as I'm sure many of you may be asking yourselves). Eh Steve made the unfortunate misjudgment in timing and jumped right in there with "It's when you tuck your wiener between your legs and it looks like you have a vagina."
In hindsight, the "I know what I'm talking about" tone he seemed to get when giving his little explaination probably didn't help him out to much after we burst out laughing.
So thanks Eh Steve for this valuable lesson. I'm sure it won't be soon forgotten.

So I'm thinking about giving up sewing...

Halloween is coming, in case there are a few freaks left who were unaware. I love Halloween and I love helping people with their make-up and what-not. That being said, I don't know how I managed to get myself wrangled into making a costume for my co-workers two year old.
I shouldn't say that. I don't mind. I'm happy I can help out, because I remember how much my costumes meant to me growing up. I know how to sew and it's nothing terribly difficult. The problem is that making a costume involves (typically) going to the fabric store.
As much as I love to sew, my mother along with my own experiences have instilled in me a deep hate for all fabric stores and their employees.
If you hadn't guessed already, I've just gotten back from one.
What the hell is it about fabric stores that makes them so universally aggravating? The isles are always cramped, things are a perpetual mess with no regard to any actual order and their staff seems to be required to be the oldest, bitchiest, least helpful band of wankers on the planet.
I have yet to find even one fabric store with even one helpful employee. I could put up with a bitchy sales person so long as they're helpful (your level of helpfulness must be equal or greater than your bitchiness, mind you), but to be uselessly stupid and bitchy pushes me beyond what I can handle.
And of course to top off their mind-numbing douche baggery they all look at you with that "You're so stupid you're not worth my fucking time" look. Of all the bullshit, ass-hatted, bollocks - that look pisses me off faster than any other. I could just smack that look off their haggard faces with a crowbar.
I just wish that at least one person could explain to me why this is!? Why this area of sales seems to be home to the absolute dregs of sales and customer service?
I fucking hate people.

Turkeys Take Cover!

So it's Thanksgiving again. I did the whole family thing and ate myself stupid. I also managed to muster up enough interest to make not only a chocolate-mascarpone cheese cake, but also a chocolate pretzel basket of mushroom cookies (no actual mushrooms were injured during the making of these cookies). All in all it wasn't a total bust.
This weekend could have been better, what with the near poisoning, the rain, the lack of stones tickets, and my inability to complete 90% of the tasks I should have been working on. Oh well, I got some sleep at least. Not a lot, but some.
In honour of today here are some things I'm thankful for.

- Cheese cake
- Chocolate
- My cats, most of the time
- Having a house to live in
- My friends, most of the time
- Having access to a car
- My family, most of the time

Lesson Learned

There's been an on going battle at my house, between Naiomi and myself.
She likes lights, lots of them, bright lights. I, however, am quite content to sit in the semi-dark. So when a few bulbs burnt out around the house I wasn't frantic to replace them. In fact, the light in my room has been burnt out for months and I have no plans to replace it at all. But Naiomi, being the crazy person she is, bought some new bulbs and replaced the dead ones.
After she replaced one of the bulbs in the bathroom I noticed that there was some mold starting to grow up near the ceiling (yeah, I know. We've gotta get a fan in there). I decided I should do something about it before it got worse, so I got out the bleach and some rubber gloves.
My cats, the assholes that they are, get in to everything, so I closed the door to the bathroom and set to work. A tub of hot water and bleach later the wall was sparkling clean and my eyes were burning. Closing the door was probably a bad idea, thinking back on it.
I really didn't think that I was using that much bleach or that I'd been in the bathroom for long enough for it to be a problem, but stepping out of the bathroom I realized I had misjudged.
Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe and all I could smell was this horrible sour smell (which also became a nasty taste in my mouth). You know that sour, bleachy kinda smell that lingers in your nose after you've been swimming for a long time? Yeah. Now imagine that as all you can smell in an overpowering stench kinda way. Let me tell you, it's not so much fun as it sounds.
Like all perfectly rational people who realize they can't breathe, I panicked. Panicking, by the way, doesn't help so much with the not being able to breathe. So went outside to see if the fresh air would help.
It did, a little, with the breathing - not the smell.
I then called the health line who put me in touch with poison control. After about an hour on the phone with them, they decided I didn't have to go to the hospital but made me promise that if I got worse that I would go immediately.
This morning I was still feeling shitty so I got to spend about 2 hours at the doctors office.
The moral of the story is, this is all Naiomi's fault.
If she would have left the bathroom dim like it should be I wouldn't have noticed the mold and I would never have gotten myself in to this mess in the first place.

Halloween Confusion

I may be the only one, but I find this package a little confusing.
For years I've wondered what the hell rabbits had to do with Easter eggs, especially when Cadbury came out with commercials including a clucking rabbit that laid eggs.
Do they really want me to believe that rabbits lay chocolate, cream filled eggs? And that they cluck? Where the hell did this rabbit/egg association come from in the first place?
Now they've added a whole new dimension to this rabbit/egg nonsense. They've moved the whole thing to Halloween. What the fuck?
This is where I put my foot down. Hershey's has gone too far.
What the fuck do eggs and rabbits have to do with Halloween? And not just any eggs and rabbits, but apparently rotten eggs and vampire rabbits.
I mean, sure, you can egg peoples houses on Halloween, but is this
something they're trying to encourage? And do they now want me to believe that not only do rabbits lay chocolate, cream filled eggs, but that vampire rabbits lay candy coated chocolate eggs? And I mean Vampire Rabbits??!! Seriously?
Do they drink the blood of the living so they may continue in their unholy existence and serve as spokes-rabbits for their unborn chocolaty offspring? And why would they want you to consume said chocolaty unborn offspring?
Jesus...

Happy Birthday, Groucho

I suspect I'm the only one to whom this really matters, but it's Groucho's birthday today.
I just may have to watch Animal Crackers later to celebrate.

WHAM!

So I'm stuck at work, and the radio's on. I'm not a fan of the radio to begin with, but it breaks up the boredom a little. (Unless this is Sarah, in which case - ignore most of that.) But the radio is tuned to Z99.
I think I prefer the sound of cats in heat to this fucking station.
Just now they're playing Wham. Seriously. Wake me up before you go go. Jesus.
And all I can think is "Orange Mocha Frappuccino!"

Joke of the Week

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Highlight here ---> Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Leaving

Jessica is leaving the library to go to a branch. The jerk.
I hope you don't think that this means you'll be rid of me!

It Be Talk Like A Pirate Day

Sept. 19 be international talk like a pirate day, yeh scurvy dogs. So have a bit o' grog, swab the deck and walk the plank.

Seriously, What The Hell Is The Matter With You?

So I'm at home, chatting with my cousin (who just moved away and who I haven't seen in a month) and working on my personal shit. Naiomi is in the shower (That's right gents, naked and wet). She left her cell on the coffee table, like she always does, and while I'm chatting away I hear it ring (the ringer's kinda loud, so it's pretty hard to miss), but I'm busy so I let it ring. She's got call display and I'm not too worried about it.
Here's where I get annoyed.
It keeps ringing and ringing and ringing. Then stops. They figured out I'm not going to answer. About three seconds later it starts ringing again. This happens a total of five times before I finally get pissed and answer it.
The dipshit, who I don't like to begin with, laughs and says she was just going to keep calling until someone answered and told her where Naioni is.
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Who calls five time in a row and lets it ring!? If no one's answering then they're busy, not around or don't want to talk to you. How fucking stupid do you have to be to figure this one out?
Jesus Christ on crutches! I hate people.

Somebody's Been A Baaaad Boy

Here's another amusing news report.
My favourite line in the whole thing, hands down, because he used it as his wife.

Crazy Cat Lady

No, not me - Naiomi. I think she's finally cracked.
Yesterday I'm lying on the couch. Both cats are lying by the front door. Naiomi walks past me and into the kitchen and to the bathroom... this is what I hear:

Naiomi: Meow!

And I'm thinking what the hell is she doing? Neither of the cats are in the kitchen. And then she comes out with this:

Naiomi: I think I'm retarded!

Me: Why?

Naiomi: I just meowed at the picture of the cat of the side of the box of litter.

At that point I just laughed, hysterically.

Naiomi: And you were wondering what the hell I was doing, weren't you? Because the cats are right there!

Me: Yeah. (laugh some more)

Her response?

Naiomi: What, you don't say hello to pictures of people?

Yep, she's lost her mind.
It took me a whole year, but I've driven her over the edge.

The Cute Planet

I found this news report earlier today. It's not supposed to be humorous, but I find something very funny about a planet being referred to as fluffy.
They could make HAT-P-1 plush toys. And after that, they should definitely come up with a cuter name, like Snookums. That's right, planet Snookums.
Imagine being attacked by aliens from the planet Snookums. You'd never be able to take them seriously. They'd be all "We come to conquer your planet for the Snookums empire!" and everyone would just laugh and be all "Yeah right! Snookums! Hahaha!" And then they'd probably kill everyone who laughed and take the rest as slaves, slaves of the Snookums empire.
It probably wouldn't sound so damned cute after that.

Germans Are Weird

I don't even know how I found this site in the first place, but it is certainly home to some of the strangest products I've ever seen.
I think I want the stain/pot holder.

So...

I've switched Kill The Body to beta.
If you're having trouble posting try posting under "other". This seems like it's only happening with people who have blogger accounts who haven't switched to beta. Please let me know if there are any other problems.

3000!

Holy shit!
3000 hits?
Wow.

They Grow Up So Fast, Don't They?

Our lovable, simple, man-child cousin is leaving us in the name of education. G will be heading off to the vast metropolis of Calgary in the next couple of days and shall be missed. So if you're in Calgary and you happen to see this guy wandering around, looking confused, please try and give him good directions. If at all possible write them down, maybe draw a map... Actually if you could just take him to wherever he needs to go, that would be great.
Good luck, Dude. Try not to get lost and come and visit so we can all go for coffee. Me and Steve need someone to annoy the shit out of.

Kitties

Well now that I've got that angry post out of the way (and I feel much better), here's a picture of my kitties. Everybody loves kitties. Everybody!



And for some reason which I cannot even begin to remember, I found this picture in my camera...



If you can't guess (and let's hope you can't), it's a shot of Naiomi's crotch. Why this picture is still in my camera is beyond me. So I share it with you, I'm just that giving.

Magnum Bitch

Dear Magnum Bitch,
That's right, you, the one in the brand new Dodge Magnum. (I know exactly what kind of car you were driving, by the way, but it was hard to not notice as I came awfully close to getting an up close and personal meeting with your shit mobile.) Would it be too much to ask that you pull your head out of your ass just long enough to shoulder check?
Were you looking to add a smear of Suzuki to your lovely new paint job? Have you had too many face lifts to be able to turn your empty little head? Botox eaten away at your ability to reason? Or maybe, just maybe, you are a uselessly stupid bitch who's unaware that swerving into the lane next to you during six o'clock traffic on a fairly busy road without so much as a glance is a really fucking stupid idea!
And by the way, my angrily honking and every single expletive I screamed at you were entirely warranted. You, along with anyone else who almost runs me into the ditch, will get exactly the same response every damned time.
Also, just so you're aware, had I not swerved, I'm fairly certain that your kid would have ended up in my car. Way to go, not only are you a menace to other drivers, but to your own family as well.
One final thing, you're driving a car that is so ugly it should be considered a crime against humanity.

More Crap to Waste Your Time

I found this site earlier today and have been laughing like the juvenile humored being that I am ever since.
Enjoy.

From me to you 15

Just a short one this time.

- Beer and clam is not a Caesar. Seriously, you shmuck.

- Getting make-up tattooed on, just for the hell of it, is a shitty, shitty idea.

- Beer and maple fudge does not go together, ever, trust me.

- A one piece denim outfit should be considered a crime against humanity, along with the speedo and stirrup pants.

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

It's definitely Monday.
I've only been at work an hour and a half and already the phone stopped working, the elevator is broken, two people have called in sick and - here's the real kicker - the upstairs toilet over flowed. And I don't mean a little, I mean water was gushing out of the men's room and down the hall, creating a waterfall down the stairs and come through the ceiling on the first floor.
It wasn't just some "oops the toilet is plugged" kinda thing either. Some ass hat decided it would be fun to plug it on purpose. According to Bill, our head maintenance guy, this makes 3 times recently. He wasn't very happy about it.
So I got to spend the first part of my shift scrambling around like a mad fool trying to get containers under the down pour and moving books out of the way.
Fuck I hate people.
And Mondays.

Talk Nerdy To Me, Baby

Okay, so here's the nerdiest question I think I've ever asked. In fact I think it's the nerdiest thing I've ever pondered.
It's something I've been wondering since I watched two episodes of Star Trek (yes, Star Trek... insert nerd joke here). One in which (the ever annoying) Wesley Crusher falls in to a pool of water on the Holodeck and another where they demonstrate how Holodeck objects cannot exist outside of the Holodeck by throwing a book out the door and watching it disappear.
If things on the Holodeck cannot exist outside of it, then wouldn't it stand to reason that the sopping wet Crusher, stepping off the Holodeck, should have become bone dry again?
There, I've just exposed myself as a nerd.

Seriously Hot

Paul Gross is hot. Smokin hot.
I don't care what you say, Bev.

Pain

Some of the guys may just want to skip this one. I'm not going to apologize either, I'm in pain and way beyond tired so if you don't like it that's just too damned bad.
I'm in pain.
Lots.
I only slept for an hour last night. Actually it was this morning. From 2am to 3am. I spent the rest of my night dying in my sauna/oven/hell hole of a house and doubled over in pain. I had forgotten what it was like to be in enough pain to actually get sick, so the Gods decided to give me a refresher course.
A fist full of the most powerful pain killers I could get my hands on, short of having to hock my stereo and make a deal in a dark alley, and I still hurt everywhere.
suffice it to say, I'm grumpy as hell and in desperate need of a nap, which isn't going to happen unless the temperature goes down and someone brings me some fucking morphine.

Good Luck

I know I've been taking a lot of potshots at celebrities lately, but this one I'm not going to joke about. Mostly because I actually feel bad for the guy.
Apparently Robin Williams entered rehab seeking treatment for alcoholism.
It's a shame really, he'd gone so long without all that shit. It's always terrible when people fall back into addiction.
And I know that I've been making fun of Mel Gibson for doing, essentially, the same damned thing.
The difference?
Robin Williams didn't make the decision after getting caught drinking and driving, fighting with the cops, showing himself as a bigoted, egotistic ass hat and blaming the whole thing on being drunk. That sort of douche baggery gets you made fun of and generally shit on, where as recognizing you have a problem and making a private decision to better yourself gets you understanding and wishes for good luck.

Sleep Tight

I keep finding these articals that are grossing me out. This one in particular bothered me a whole lot. And so I share it with you.

Joy!

I'm so happy I could shit. Hellboy 2 is coming! Squee!
I don't care what any of you jerks think, I loves Hellboy, I loves him good.
Now all I have to do is wait until 2008. It's not gonna be easy.

Worthy of Comment

So Amazon has started selling milk. I know that's not very exciting, but the comments people have left are.
Check it out... seriously.

Well, I'm grossed out

At my house we go through enough soy sauce that this story grossed me out completely.
So I thought I'd share with all of you. I'm just such a giving person.

Another glorious day in Hollywood

I always love hearing about major Hollywood stars getting bitch slapped by life, not to mention the police.
Mel Gibson was picked up and arrested for DUI on Friday morning. He had some interesting things to say to the arresting officers, and lucky for all of us, his comments made in on to the internet.

Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?" The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?" A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

Way to go Mel. That's awesome. From what I hear, calling cops "sugar tits" and crapping on an entire group of people is the best way to get the police to let you go. Unfortunately the "douche bag gambit" didn't work out so well for our dear Mel.
Check out the whole story here.

POW!

I hate Lindsay Lohan, a lot. It's gotten to the point where I want to scream every time I see yet another artical about her. That is, until now.
This is the kind of artical I'd like to see more of. Not even just about ol' fire crotch, about a lot "actors". They pay these assholes huge sums of money. Is it too much to ask that they do their fucking jobs?
Fucking wankers.

See, less disturbing....

Well, kinda. Less disturbing that the dismembered thumb drive anyway.
Another item for my christmas list.

Sieg Meow

I found this site through Jason's incredibly lame blog the other day and I had to share, because damn it's funny.

Happy Birthday lil' Bro

It's my brother's birthday today. He's 20. That's terrifying.
Happy Birthday Dude! Try not to do anything that will get you arrested.
In honor of this day, here's a really weird ass German metal band cover, enjoy!

I hear it's lovely there in summer

So I think I know where I'd like to spend my next vacation. I mean, if I had money to fly myself to the Czech Republic, could find my way to Sedlec and secure a translator as I speak not a word of Czech or even Slovak.
Seriously though, I have a bit of a fascination with death, some of the more astute readers may have noticed that already. Don't ask me where it comes from, I really don't know.
The history of death is really quite interesting and this place is a monument to the weirdness and morbid tastes of days gone by.
Click here for more information on the history of Kutna Hora.

*Sorry Sarah, I'll try to make my next post less... disturbing.