Thursday, December 13, 2007

Dear Brett Ratner,

Hi there. Brett (may I call you Brett?) I think it's about time we had a little chat. I've been putting it off for quite a while now because I was angry. Really angry. And I needed some time to cool off, to collect my thoughts, so I wouldn't say a bunch of hurtful things I didn't really mean. If I'm going to say hurtful things I'd like to be able to mean what I say.
He's my problem Brett - X-men 3: The Last Stand.
Can I just ask you something and get it out of the way? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!? Seriously Brett, you were handed something good and awesome, with a fan base already in place, with the story already written wonderfully, with characters we all know and love. And you fucked it up. You fucked it up royally, my friend. I'm not sure how you managed to fuck it up so bad actually.
Didn't anyone mention the comics before you started making the movie? Or the other two films? Because it seems an awful lot like you weren't aware of either. At first I though that the movie played out like you have just kind of flipped through the comics to get the general drift and then tried to put together the rest for yourself. But after some time and consideration I have to admit that even if you had flipped through the comics, ignoring the fact that there are actual words in with those pretty pictures, you would have gotten closer to the mark. As it stands, you not only missed the mark, you missed the planet that the mark is on. In fact it looks like your only exposure to the X-men before making the movie was a fucking internet meme (which would explain the unforgivably bad line "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!". You can't explain that one away, Brett, so don't even try.)
This bothers me Brett. It bothers me that you took some really good casting choices and an excellent cast from the previous films and still churned out shit. It's like a big fuck you to all the fans. And not to nitpick here or anything, but aren't the fans the ones who you're supposed to be impressing? You know, so you make money off a film? Maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, I just needed to clear the air about all this. I don't like going around being mad without at least trying to discuss it with the person I'm mad at.
So Brett, could you do me a big favour from now on? Could you stick to directing made-for-middle-america-playing-to-the-lowest-common-denominator-borderline-offensive-racial-stereotyping movies from now on, so I know which ones to avoid? And for the love of god, could you please stay the fuck away from any more comic based movies?
Thanks,
-Gwenhwyfar

5 comments:

Avitable said...

I think more of the blame goes to Tom Rothman, the president. He was pissed that Bryan Singer decided to make Superman, so he jumped up the date of X3 to compete with it and went through two directors before Ratner could do anything. And while Ratner is a hack, I think even if Ratner had plenty of time to do the movie, he would have done the characters a bit more justice.

Ask said...

Is that Indiana Jones?

Also I seem to recall there being rumour of a gay lover's tiff of sorts between Fox head's boyfriend and Singer (or something thereabouts), causing Singer to be binned, with David "Solid Snake" Hayter (X1/2 writer) leaving in protest.

The truth of this can I suppose be taken with a saline pinch, but it is a delightfully pissy story nonetheless.

Gwenhwyfar said...

Av - I'm still pissed that Bryan Singer didn't get to do this one. Not to say I didn't love Superman, just that in a perfect world he would have done both. And I don't really care what the reasons were for this steamy pile of garbage, someone should be punished.

Ask - Not you too.
I can't say that I've heard that story, though I wouldn't doubt it. People, especially hollywood people, are catty douche bags about most things.

Dan said...

I feel your pain, I'm not even a particularly big X-men fan but I still uttered disgusted "wha...??" periodicly throughout the film.

Gwenhwyfar said...

dan - That's just it. Lots of people who weren't really big fans could see what a mess this movie is.
(I grew up watching the cartoon and reading the comics, I will also admit to owning Marvel trading cards.)