Thursday, October 04, 2007

I Hope Zombie Elvis Guts You Like A Fish

Short of the handful of truely awesome adverts that win awards at places like Cannes and the London International Advertising awards, most range from bad to completely horrific. A poorly desgined ad, a low budget ad, a cheesy ad, most of these I can understand. But there are some products that I honestly could live the rest of my life without ever seeing advertised again and I would be happy.
Most defecation related commercials, for instance. Toilet paper, diapers and most especially *shudder* adult diapers. Without exception, they all send me scrambling for the remote. You can use all the "mysterious blue liquid" you like to show a diaper's absorbency, we all know you're talking about piss. And I can't put into words how gross it is, listening to some old broad talk about how much more free she feels.
Every advert having to do with maxi pads, tampons, etc. They're all vomit enducing. And for the love of all things decent and good, could you please stop trying to make being on your rag look like something happy and cute!? Seriously, "have a happy period"? Which man came up with that one. Because I cannot believe that any woman would come up with that load of shit. And the whole tampon campain when that woman plugs a leak in a canoe with her fucking TAMPON? Who was the genius who came up with that gem? Why didn't you just show a woman saving a village from a tsunami with her goddamned Always?
But the top of my list is Viagra. Every single one of their ads is wrong and awful in every way, shape and form. There isn't a single situation I can think of that would make middle aged weirdos talking about being able to get it up acceptable. I don't want to see some creepy bitch singing in the streets about how she was up all night boinking her potbellied retiree. I don't want to see or hear grey haird golf buddies talk some kind of creepy old man gibberish about how viagra brought life back to their wrinkley old man bits. And I sure as shit don't want a group of aging wanna-be rockers sitting around in some cruddy old building killing a perfectly good Elvis song so they can sing about their little blue pill.
Has anyone else seen this? "Viva Viagra"? They can't be serious. If I didn't know better I'd think it was a SNL gag commercial. I was expecting to hear the audience laughing at the end. But no. They're actually sitting around with their buddies singing about how none of them can get it up. Then they all race off, presumably because the pills are kicking in and we all know that sitting around with a group of men who have hard-ons would be just a little awkward. I can't imagine how it would be more awkward that boisterously singing about how you've got permanent limp dick without chemical help, but apparently these guys can.
When Bob Dole first started talking about Viagra, way back in the day when this shit was still a joke - that was wrong. But I think deep down we all sighed because, hey, it couldn't get any worse... right? Yeah well, apparently it wasn't going to get any better either.
*sigh* I think I've just got to start buying more shit on DVD and skipping TV all together.


The Misanthrope said...

Those commercials are an embarrassment to both sexes and our intelligence.

Gwenhwyfar said...

I couldn't possibly agree more.