Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I Swear They're Trying To Kill Me

Can someone please tell me why the fuck we suddenly have this huge crop of movies that are remakes of old films? Or is it just me? Am I the only one noticing this? In the last couple of months I haven't had a single movie related conversation that didn't include someone saying "Oh, did you hear they're remaking (insert movie that should never ever be remade)?"
Has Hollywood finally become completely devoid of any original thought or creativity? Are they that hard up for new stories? Have they completely tapped out of the usual mindless bullshit they normally pump out? What the fuck?
For long while already they've been draining the comic world and turning characters and stories we've all known and loved for years into barely recognisable, watered down, Hollywoodized garbage. Trying to re-do things that were done right the first fucking time. Trying to attract even more people to the movies they already had an audience for and just pissing everyone off. Fucking it up badly enough that no reader, from the casual to the hardcore fan boys, is willing to overlook it and still not making it a story that any of the non-fans are interested in anyway.
Then they started going after tv nostalgia. Shows that ran for years that again, everyone knows and fucking that up too. Trying to update and revamp things that everyone still remembers fondly. I mean for fuck sakes, just look at Bewitched: the movie! What the fuck were they thinking!? Michael fucking Caine couldn't even save that movie from being unwatchable. And between the trailers for Underdog and Alvin and the Chipmunks it's almost more than I can take.
For some reason Hollywood, with very few exceptions, manages to completely fuck up everything it tries to re-do. So I hope you'll understand my agitation when I hear that they're diving head first into the remakes. And I really don't get it, this need to "remake" anything. If it was done right the first time you're never going to be able to surpass that glory, you're not going to make it better and you're not going to relive that magic. You're going to take something great and rape it up the ass while we all watch in disgust. And if it wasn't done right the first time you don't get a fucking "do-over"!
Did Planet of the Apes teach them nothing?


One more thing, if anyone connected with the Deathrace 2000 remake is reading this, could you do me a favour and go fuck yourselves? Thanks.

7 comments:

Mr. Fabulous said...

When that Deathrace 2000 remake comes out, I am going to die a little more inside.

Robin said...

"Has Hollywood finally become completely devoid of any original thought or creativity? Are they that hard up for new stories?"

Yes and it worries me. I am always looking for good quality films because they are so rare.

Gwenhwyfar said...

Mr. Fab - We can hold a joint funeral for the parts of our souls that will die that day.

Robin - I wish that were less true. My only solace at the moment is that I work in a theatre that shows some really good films and tons of foreign films.

Avitable said...

Ocean's 11 was superior to the original. So was the Thomas Crown Affair. There are good remakes, and I think that sometimes a "classic" movie needs to be recreated for a new audience.

This isn't new, though. There are some movies, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which has been remade four or five times, and the best one was one of the remakes (although not the more recent one).

Gwenhwyfar said...

avitable - You broke my heart, man. Just ripped in out and threw in on the floor and stomped on it. (And with every rule there are a very few exceptions.)

Avitable said...

I'm just dropping some truth bombs.

Gwenhwyfar said...

Truth bombs on my heart. (sounds like a country song)