I'm Considering Smacking Some Sense Into You

Grow a fucking sense of humor already! What the fuck happen to you to turn you in to such a humorless, uptight, nazi bitch anyway? Parents didn't buy you that pony when you were eight? Mad because you couldn't really grow up to be Barbie? Unhappy with your sex life? What? What is it!?
Because from where I'm standing you've got very little reason to be bitching and absolutely no reason to be bitching on other people's behalf. People who do that kind of shit should be locked in cages and kept away from the rest of society. Because reasonable, rational people don't need to walk around looking for things to be offended about or people to be offended for. Believe me, we have too many fucking people being offended on their own already.
You know why people make jokes about themselves, because they're strong enough to take the criticism, because they're okay with their faults and because it's fucking funny. You're inability to see that is just making it so very clear that you're not okay with who you are and any amount of criticism would bring your whole world crashing down around your feet.
So you've turned into this easily offended, constipated freak who wouldn't know what was funny if it hit you in the face with a cream pie. And even if you did you haven't had practice enough to actually laugh. Your face might crack.
You're one of those sad little people who was tragically born without a personality or a sense of humor. You're one of those boring ass, soul-dead people who thinks that white is a colour, salt is a spice and that going to bed without brushing your teeth is being rebellious. You're one of those goddamned people who thinks that censorship is a good thing, that rules will set us free and that laughter is a sin.
Well you know what, fuck you. You want to be offended? Fine. Fuck you. How about that? Just fuck off and die already. Jerry Falwell did it. Why can't you?
Oh and by the way, I've seen your taste in movies. They all suck. None of them are funny in the least. They're films made for idiots, for people who don't understand things like satire and intellectual humor.
Also, how exactly are the Aflac commercials hilarious? Just saying something like that makes you a fucking asshat. Kindly stop wasting so much space and using my oxygen.