Wednesday, May 27, 2009

5 Simple Rules For Surviving The Movie Theatre

As much as I was disappointed in the movie last night, I was ready to strangle several people in the audience. Here are a few simple rules for all of you to remember the next time you go to the theatre. They'll make everyone's experience much more pleasant and it will keep me from killing you in a brutal and bloody fashion while the rest of the people cheer me on for doing what they all wanted to do.

1. G rated, animated, kids movies are for kids. Anything PG13 or over is for adults. That means if I go to see an action flick with guns and killing and explosions and helicopter crashes, I shouldn't have to listen to your fucking baby screeching through the entire fucking film. If your kid isn't old enough to behave itself through an entire movie I suggest you start waiting until movies come out on DVD or invest in a fucking babysitter.

2. I actually like to watch the previews but I understand not everyone does so I'll put up with you talking through them. That being said, if you think that it's acceptable to sit and chat with the person next to you, you're going to end up in a lot of pain. That sharp pain in your head will probably be from my foot connecting with it repeatedly until you shut the fuck up.

3. I'm also one of those people who likes to watch the credits. Again, I know not everyone does and that is fine, leave. But either leave or sit the fuck down. If you stand up in front of me and stay there for any length of time I will quickly run out of the will power to not shove you over the seats.

4. Believe me when I say that you are capable of going two hours without looking at, answering or playing with your phone. Turn it off, dipshit. Even if you're not on the phone, taking the fucking thing out and lighting up half the theatre just to assure yourself that it hasn't run away is fucking distracting. If you feel like you're not capable of this, I'll happily shove that fucking thing up your ass to save you having to worry about it.

5. I know you think you're a cinematic genius and I'm sure that your opinion is really interesting but unless your name is Crow, Tom Servo, Mike Nelson or Joel Robinson there is no way in hell I should be listening to your running commentary on every fucking second of the movie. 


Robin said...

I'm sure it will come as no surprise that we would make excellent movie companions. I am so anal about that stuff and I'm nearly just as anal watching movies at home.

Sometimes I can't believe I married a talker. He won't talk at the theater but at home he talks through everything and i always have to pause or rewind because he was jabbering on. It pisses me off so bad.

ps. i LOVE previews!!! I hate going with people who make me late and I miss them.

Gwenhwyfar said...

Oh shit... that's totally rule #6 - Show up on time. I fucking hate it when someone shows up at the last minute, stumbles around in the dark and ends up stepping on my foot when they try and squish by.

Anonymous said...

Amen to all of these, especially the phone one. A person can't put their glowing fucking phone away for 2 hours? Cut the cord, dude...cut the cord.

Trackella said...

Amen & hallelujah. I rarely see films in the theatre anymore because I can't handle the rude audience members around me.

Princess of the Universe said...

I may print and tape this outside all theatre doors...
These rules MUST be followed.

metalmom said...

You are a goddess who can work in an MST3K reference!!

Gwenhwyfar said...

Hilly and Trackella - The stupid thing is, everyone complains about these people... so WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY!? Aliens? Mole people? Ghosts?

Princess - Agreed! Violators shall be dragged in to the streets and beaten.

MM - Aw, shucks. (have you seen the rifftrax?)

Janna said...

I agree completely about #1. Keep the kids away from the place unless they are completely capable of being uber-silent throughout the entire duration of the film. If you have ANY doubts about this, keep the little monkeys home. Period.

Feels good to vent.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes...
I also like watching the credits.
This reminds me of once when my friend and I were watching some movie (I don't even remember what it was... it was about 20 years ago; my memory disintegrates after about 20 minutes. Who are you again?)
Anyway, this movie had just finished, and the credits were starting to scroll across the screen. I liked the music, so I wanted to sit and listen to it.
Everybody else just wanted to leave, so pretty soon it was just me and my friend sitting there.
Eventually the movie-employee nerd comes up to us and says
"Uhh... the movie's OVER," with a tone that suggested he wanted us to hurry up and LEAVE so he could sweep the floor or something.

It was very rude.

Since I didn't have quite as much of a backbone then, I just gave him a dirty look and got up and left.
But these days, you better believe I'd tell him I'll leave when I'M good and ready.

I can only imagine what you would have done in that situation.

Janna said...

Wow, that was a really long comment I just left.

Gwenhwyfar said...

hahahaha... oh man, you'd better believe I would have ripped him a new one. I nearly had it out with a guy at the theatre the other day, luckily he didn't have a death wish and let me have my way.