Monday, March 08, 2010


I need to vent.
That's not an apology, it's a warning. I'll start by saying that I intend to vent about parenting stuff. No, this isn't about you. This is about me. That would be why I'm writing it on my site.
If that's the start of a post you don't want to read then I recommend watching the Christoph Waltz video. He's hot AND funny.
Here's the thing - I'm part of the whole "child-free" thing, I guess. Not that "I guess" about how I feel, just that I don't like that it's become a movement and I'm not much on being part of groups. I honestly don't give a shit if you want kids. Actually, your breeding makes another compelling argument for me not to have kids. There is no need for me to do it. The species will carry on without my contribution.
I'm also not much on children. Actually, to be more accurate, I'm not much on the children most people are raising. Shitty parenting makes for shitty kids. I personally know some really awesome kids, but they are unfortunately few and far between.
Now let me explain - it's not just that I'm disinterested. It skeeves me out. Completely.
Pregnant women and babies generally make me immensely uncomfortable. The thought of actively seeking to touch someone's pregnant belly makes me gag. The sound of a baby crying will drive me out of a house. The whole thing makes my skin crawl.
A big part of that is my absolute disgust with hearing the gorey details about other peoples health problems. I have seen pictures of some of the most horrific injuries in the name of research but I seriously don't want to hear about every detail of your last pap smear.
Most people do me (and most of the population) the favour of keeping that kind of shit to themselves or, at least, to only dole it out upon request (which is greatly appreciated, btw).
Somehow tho, pregnancy seems to shut off that all too important internal censor. Suddenly every bodily function is up for general conversation, every medical problem is gossip.
I don't give a shit how far along you are, there is never a time that I need an announcement every time you pee and I will never, ever ask how constipated you are. I also don't ever want to hear the words "contractions" and "dilated" again.
It seems like even the idea of having a baby is enough to make people insane. It's the only time that it seems to be socially acceptable to tell people how much you're having sex. Which, for the record, is also something I am not interested in. Ever.
One more thing - all baby pictures look the same to me. One bald, ugly, tiny human looks pretty much like every other one I've seen. I'll be more interested when they start speaking more, crying less and get their bodily functions under control.
Now, all that said, I'll make you a deal. You keep this nasty shit to yourself or at least away from me and I promise not to start randomly showing you some of the more interesting make-up reference pictures I have in my collection. And take if from the girl who has made a hobby of collecting some of the morbid and disgusting images of what humans are capable of doing to one another, you're getting off easy.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.


Robin said...

a. newborn babies are ugly. fact. some get cute as they get out of the larvae stage, some don't.

b. so often pregnant women are beyond obnoxious, it makes me want to scream.

c. you're awesome.

Gwenhwyfar said...

Fact, fact and fact.
Also, I think you're one of the few people who won't assume I'm kidding when I say that I will start carrying around pics to shut people up with. I'm not sure if that's something to be proud of, but there you have it.

Robin said...

I am proud, whether I should be or not.

Gwenhwyfar said...

I can hear it now.
"Why would you tell me about the process of shitting a human out of one of your orifices?"

Christie said...

There's a reason the vagina is down there... so I don't have so see something come out of it.