Saturday, September 26, 2009

No, Not Like Big Bang Theory

Imagine if Dawn of the Dead had a love-child with Revenge of the Nerds. That would kind of be like what just walked in to the theatre. All was quiet between shows when suddenly I was surrounded. Honestly, I didn't think that nerds like this existed any more. It's kind of like spotting a rare species of butterfly.
If that rare species happened to have a raging acne problem, BO and no social skills.
I feel like I should be documenting this for science. I wish there was a way I could film them without their knowing. Or even snap a few pictures. But, like a timid heard of deer, I'm afraid they would notice and scatter. After all, every nerd worth his weight can spot a cell phone camera from 100 paces.
First I might need to come up with a good name for a group of nerds. Swarm? Heard? Gaggle?
After years of working here I've learned to spot people who are here for the show and who's just here for the bathroom. These guys threw me a bit. They came in all at once and stood there, just inside the security gates, completely ignoring me. They weren't moving for the desk and no one was running for the can. They just stood there, nerding up the place.
Amongst them were some of the most classic examples of nerdery. It was like they pulled their looks from the Encyclopedia Nerdannica.
They had the classic "Acne Nerd" with his black T, fleece coat and ill fitting jeans. His conversation was mostly filled with criticisms of a french film he'd seen recently (actually, he complained mainly about its title) and talked rather too loudly about being a computer science student and not having a student card because it would mean leaving his house. No, I am not making that up.
Next was the "Awkward Nerd". You know the guy. The one who has always and will always be complete oblivious to fashion trends, hairstyles beyond whatever is cheapest at Supercuts and still wearing the same style of glasses he's had since he was eight. This one was decked out in his finest tan slacks (rolled up to MAKE them flood pants), slip on brown loafers and a red shirt that fitted like he bought it thirty pounds ago. It went well with his attempt at sideburns.
Joining them was "Sweatpants Nerd". Like so many of this breed, he came in the shape of an eerily pale 20-something. With his Reboks that have never run and his matching t-shirt/sweatpant combo and his windbreaker straight out of the 1995 Sears Catalogue, he's ready for a night on the town. If you're imagining him with a nasally voice and an inability to get through a complete sentence without pausing for an awkward gasp of breath, you're spot on.
Their ranks were filled out with "Tubby Nerd" with his "I PWN N00BS" physique and the cargo shorts/sandals combo in weather that any reasonably intelligent person would get out the long pants for (along with the required bunnyhug), "Skinny Nerd" looking a bit too much like a badly designed bird with glasses and obligatory obscure reference t-shirt, "Socially Handicapped Nerd" who seems to go out of his way to be as obnoxious as humanly possible, perpetually standing where ever he shouldn't be, saying whatever he shouldn't say and just generally being someone you'd chew your left arm off to avoid and finally "YouTube Commenter Nerd" otherwise known as "FIRST!" on every message board ever created online, perpetually pointing out "obvious photoshop" and talking like an expert on every subject known to man because he's read it all on Wikipedia.
They're milling slowly started to move toward the desk. I hoped they would buy their tickets and sit out on the bench until the first show was over, but of course, they didn't. They stopped directly in front of my desk and blocked the entrance to the theatre and the mens room all in one amazing move. Slowly they began to drift, still chatting until they were pacing around my desk in circles. It was like some kind of horrible nerdy-go-round.
I felt like I was being hunted. It reminded me of the scene with the raptors in Jurassic Park.
They all arrive almost 30 minutes before the movie started and this all went on for 20 minutes before they finally bought any tickets.
Meanwhile, the projectionist just laughed.
"You seem to attract them."
I guess we all have our cross to bear.


Janna said...


Finally, my theory is proven...
They DO hunt in packs.

Possible ways to escape:

1. Take a copy of the Periodic Table of Elements and use White-Out to cover up one of the more obscure elements. Wad up the paper and throw it into a far corner while screaming "Help! One of the elements is missing!" While they all scramble for the chart, run the opposite direction toward the exit.

2. Tell them they can't come any closer until they recite the first 100 numbers in the Fibonacci sequence.

3. Look out the window and shout "Ohmygod, Spiderman CAN attack an undead Druid! And all this time I thought his armor class sucked!" (While they're rushing toward the window, run the other way).

Gwenhwyfar said...

That was so awesome it hurt my brain. #3 totally got me...