Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Dear Child,

You are risking remaining a child forever. You should know this because my ability to deal with your level of bullshit never really developed.
Though I suspect you aren't very old, I get the distinct impression that you look a lot younger than you are. I'm going to guess that your family has money, which means little to me and even less to others, trust me. I also suspect that people have told you repeatedly that you're cute and you think that this somehow makes you immune to malice. You would be wrong on that point. Very, very wrong.
You're obnoxious and rude, which may have slipped by your parents notice, but has not escaped mine. So let me explain to you, sweetheart, out in the real world people don't appreciate your kind and there are countless people who will take great joy in crushing you.
So in order to make our next encounter more pleasant and to save you a lot of trouble later on in life, let me impart a few words of wisdom to you. And I am going to suggest very strongly that you read each and every one and make them your mantra from now until the end of time.

1) Please and thank-you. Learn to use them. Over use them. With everyone. All the fucking time. It doesn't matter how small a favour or request, they are expected and notice is taken when they are absent. Not using them makes you sound like a demanding, ungrateful little shit.

2) Thinking things and saying them out-loud don't necessarily go hand in hand. There is a reason people just don't say certain things. The biggest reason being that the wrong thing said at the wrong time to the wrong person will land you in a special place in hell made just for you. You want to be in show biz, kid, you had better learn this one fast. Because anyone and everyone in show biz has had to learn the ass-kissing game. So just for the record, asking about openings in a company and remarking about a friend who works there and gets paid to "sit on his ass and play tetris" in the same breath is probably a monumentally bad idea.

3) Stop. Fucking. Pacing. Sit the fuck down and be quiet. It's really not that hard and for someone who is at least in their teens you should have been able to work that one out already. You're driving everyone insane. The same goes for your humming. Just fucking stop. I shouldn't even have to explain this one. Do you see any of the adults doing that? Do you want to guess why that is?

4) It's called an internal monologue for a reason. Because it's meant to be internal. As in "stays in your head". I don't need to know that the candy that you're eating is grape and I certainly don't need to know that you think grape is gross. Just spit it out and move on. That kind of bullshit is something I would expect from a four year old and even then it would be irritating. What it tells everyone that can hear you is that you're an attention whore. And trust me here, NO ONE LIKES AN ATTENTION WHORE. (And just a PS on spitting out candy or anything else for that matter - go to the washroom and do that you fucking moron. I need to see and hear you spitting out things even less than I need to hear you talk about eating them in the first place. What the hell is wrong with you!?)

5) Almost everyone who goes in to acting will not make it. You should come to terms with that now. Because I have an exceptional memory for faces and it would make my day if I ever got you as a waitress.

Okay, sweet cheeks, got all that? Are we clear now? I certainly hope so. I really do hate having to repeat myself.
Oh and just one final thing. If your parents are the kind of people your behaviour would seem to indicate, could you be a dear and keep them the fuck away from me?




The Absurdist said...

Okay, so I get it.

After my ex-best-friend had my godchild, she would call me all fucking day long at work.

Baby just did this.
Baby just did that.
Baby just ate.
Baby just pooped.
Baby is constipated.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Call me if he goes to the ER, call me if he says "mama", or better yet, "Chelle", or call me if his daddy runs away in fear.

Other than that, do NOT call me. I don't care how bad the diaper is. I don't care if his socks fell off.


Mr. Fabulous said...

This is directed at me, isn't it? :)

Gwenhwyfar said...

Chelle - I get the feeling you're upset about something... but you're being so vague.

Fab - Was it that obvious?

Avitable said...

Wait. I thought that everybody loves an attention whore?


Gwenhwyfar said...

No, just you Av.

Chaos Controller said...

I love reading stuff like this. You just made my day better.

Gwenhwyfar said...

That's what I'm here for. Next time I'll just send you this kid so you can have some of the real fun.