No, Not Like Big Bang Theory

Imagine if Dawn of the Dead had a love-child with Revenge of the Nerds. That would kind of be like what just walked in to the theatre. All was quiet between shows when suddenly I was surrounded. Honestly, I didn't think that nerds like this existed any more. It's kind of like spotting a rare species of butterfly.

If that rare species happened to have a raging acne problem, BO and no social skills.

I feel like I should be documenting this for science. I wish there was a way I could film them without their knowing. Or even snap a few pictures. But, like a timid heard of deer, I'm afraid they would notice and scatter. After all, every nerd worth his weight can spot a cell phone camera from 100 paces.

First I might need to come up with a good name for a group of nerds. Swarm? Heard? Gaggle?

After years of working here I've learned to spot people who are here for the show and who's just here for the bathroom. These guys threw me a bit. They came in all at once and stood there, just inside the security gates, completely ignoring me. They weren't moving for the desk and no one was running for the can. They just stood there, nerding up the place.

Amongst them were some of the most classic examples of nerdery. It was like they pulled their looks from the Encyclopedia Nerdannica.

They had the classic "Acne Nerd" with his black T, fleece coat and ill fitting jeans. His conversation was mostly filled with criticisms of a french film he'd seen recently (actually, he complained mainly about its title) and talked rather too loudly about being a computer science student and not having a student card because it would mean leaving his house. No, I am not making that up.

Next was the "Awkward Nerd". You know the guy. The one who has always and will always be complete oblivious to fashion trends, hairstyles beyond whatever is cheapest at Supercuts and still wearing the same style of glasses he's had since he was eight. This one was decked out in his finest tan slacks (rolled up to MAKE them flood pants), slip on brown loafers and a red shirt that fitted like he bought it thirty pounds ago. It went well with his attempt at sideburns.

Joining them was "Sweatpants Nerd". Like so many of this breed, he came in the shape of an eerily pale 20-something. With his Reboks that have never run and his matching t-shirt/sweatpant combo and his windbreaker straight out of the 1995 Sears Catalogue, he's ready for a night on the town. If you're imagining him with a nasally voice and an inability to get through a complete sentence without pausing for an awkward gasp of breath, you're spot on.

Their ranks were filled out with "Tubby Nerd" with his "I PWN N00BS" physique and the cargo shorts/sandals combo in weather that any reasonably intelligent person would get out the long pants for (along with the required bunnyhug), "Skinny Nerd" looking a bit too much like a badly designed bird with glasses and obligatory obscure reference t-shirt, "Socially Handicapped Nerd" who seems to go out of his way to be as obnoxious as humanly possible, perpetually standing where ever he shouldn't be, saying whatever he shouldn't say and just generally being someone you'd chew your left arm off to avoid and finally "YouTube Commenter Nerd" otherwise known as "FIRST!" on every message board ever created online, perpetually pointing out "obvious photoshop" and talking like an expert on every subject known to man because he's read it all on Wikipedia.

They're milling slowly started to move toward the desk. I hoped they would buy their tickets and sit out on the bench until the first show was over, but of course, they didn't. They stopped directly in front of my desk and blocked the entrance to the theatre and the mens room all in one amazing move. Slowly they began to drift, still chatting until they were pacing around my desk in circles. It was like some kind of horrible nerdy-go-round.

I felt like I was being hunted. It reminded me of the scene with the raptors in Jurassic Park.

They all arrive almost 30 minutes before the movie started and this all went on for 20 minutes before they finally bought any tickets.

Meanwhile, the projectionist just laughed.

"You seem to attract them."

I guess we all have our cross to bear.

And Now For Some Encouragement

Yahtzee Likes It. See I'm Not Crazy!

Ok.... so that doesn't really prove anything, but it does make me feel better.

Arkham Asylum: Lock Me Up And Throw Away The Key

Games for me are divided in to three camps. 1) Games I play once or twice, never finish and don't really enjoy 2) games I play forever, never really getting to the end because I'm just picking away (but enjoying anyway) 3) and games I can't put away, play right through in one sitting, play again and again, talk about at length until everyone within a 20 mile radius signs a petition in an attempt to get me to shut up about the fucking thing already. Camp 1 has been displaying a "no vacancy" sign for years already but new titles keep showing up and demanding entrance while Camp 3 has always had shitloads of room for its very few occupants.

Well, after a long dry spell I have a new favourite game.

Mondays are my day off. I usually reserve them for doing a whole lot of nothing. Nothing important anyway. It's my day to sleep late, do a bit of shopping, make a dent in any personal projects. That sort of thing. Last Monday I woke up with a plan to play Arkham Asylum for an hour or two, get dressed and get a few things scratched off my list. That was at about 10am.

I got dressed at 9pm. After I finished the game and only because I had plans to go to a movie with my brother.

The game is awesome. I don't think I could have asked for more out of a Batman game. Or any other game for that matter.

Kevin Conroy has always been my favourite Batman voice. Maybe because (other than Adam West) he has been the Batman I've known the longest so I was giddy when Batman opened his mouth for the first time and it was him. I was equally giddy when I hear Mark Hamill's now perfectly familiar Joker joining him. Mark Hamill being, much like Kevin Conroy, forever ingrained in my brain as being Mr. J jumping effortlessly from manic insanity to menacing psycho in less than a beat.

The supporting cast was no less amazing. An army of bad guys, a ton of references, the game is littered with little gems. The only one I really want to mention (just because I really do love her so) is Harley. What would a game with Joker be without Harley Quinn to back him up? Arleen Sorkin's airheaded, drawling, obsessive, psychopathic, hopeless Harley is what made me love the character in the first place. Oh and she's got a new look... goddamn, no one pulls off that look like dearly devoted Harley.

The game itself is fantastic. The game play is awesome and engaging. The story line opens it up to so much. Batman stuck on Arkham Island with every crazy and criminal lose and out to get him. What's not to love?

One of my biggest complaints with some of the games I've been playing is the controls. I don't think every game should be pong-esque in control simplicity but lately it seems like game designers have nothing better to do with their time than to make the controls for every game as complicated as humanly possible. I'm all for options and cool shit but I shouldn't need a magic decoder ring to figure out the diagram explaining the controller set-up. Arkham does really well at giving you lots of cool shit to play with and still keeping everything manageable.

The overall look of the game is really spectacular. Everything is Batman from top to bottom. It captures that universe so well and dumps you in the middle of it. It's not campy Batman either. It's dark. Deliciously dark. People die, bad things happen, criminally insane mass murders live up to their reputation for mayhem and Batman slogs through it all with his typical style.

It's a game I happily played from start to finish in a sitting but what makes it great is that it's so full I can happily do the same again and again. A game that is only good once is hardly a good game. I do love me game with serious replayability.

If you've thought about playing the game, if you're a Batman fan, if you have some spare time just play it already.

Would I lie to you?

Holy Hell...

Has it been that long?

Sorry guys. I honestly haven't forgotten about this place. I've just been stupid busy and occupied with a million other things. It's hard to be motivated to write anything at all when I do have a free minute when all I want to do is lay on the couch and maybe watch an episode or two of something or other.

Tomorrow is the shoot day for my teeny, tiny, very small film. For such a little thing it is causing me massive amounts of stress and costing me a small fortune.

I'm not complaining, mind you. This is really something I'm more excited and happy about than I have been in... maybe ever. Every minute of stress, every penny spent, every sleepless night, every worry I have, every bit of work done is absolutely worth it to be able to spend even one day doing the one thing that makes me happier than anything in the world. And I'm incredibly fortunate to have some really amazing and awesome people on my side, helping me out and putting themselves out just so I can do this. I appreciate it more than I'm sure I'll ever be able to express.

So lets all cross our fingers and hope that tomorrow goes really well.

Send good vibes and happy thoughts. I need all I can get.

At Least It's Not A Crack Habit

I don't smoke, I don't drink, really I have very few vices. Unfortunately one of my few vices tends to get expensive. I don't know how it happens.

I have got to stop going to Best Buy, Future Shop and Rogers. Honestly. I went to Rogers to rent one movie so how the fuck did I end up buying three movies, a season of Dexter, a season of Rome, a season of Corner Gas and renting Arkham Asylum? What the fuck?

Maybe I should just take up smoking.

Bullshit Fact Of The Day

A study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that a dollar could buy 1,200 calories of potato chips or 875 calories of soda but just 250 calories of vegetables or 170 calories of fresh fruit.

Happy Blogiversary To Me!

I'm actually having trouble believing that I've been doing this four years already. It seems like only yesterday I wrote my first post. But then, I never was very good with dates.

Five blogs, 1 facebook page, twitter and a whole lot of ranting later - Kill The Body still stands.

Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me!

-Gwenhwyfar

No. Fucking. Way.

Alright, I realize this is one of those moments where you just kind of look at me with that vaguely sad "oh dear, she's really lost it this time" look but stay with me here.

When I was a kid there was a plethora of terrible low budget kids programming, mostly local, to chose from. One such show was a local gem - Puttnam's Prairie Emporium. For years I thought it was just one of those things I had imagined or made up or was really just fragments of other shows crammed into one memory. As it turns out, it was just a seriously local show so only myself and a handful of other freaks who grew up on CKCK kids programming remember it.

But that's hardly the point of this post.

Working at the library there is an abundance of gossip and one of my co-workers is really the gossip hub of the entire library system. Tonight he casually asked me if I remember PPE. I answered in the affirmative. He then, with equal calm, told me that the security guard working upstairs is none other than Mr. Puttnam himself.

What. The. Fuck!

Seriously, that guy always looked familiar but I could never quite place him. As soon as he said it, it all fell in to place. It fucking IS Mr. Puttnam! A little older and a little balder, but it's totally him!

Jesus Christ on a cracker! I just talked to the guy like three hours ago! I was talking to Mr. Fucking Puttnam! And he has a bunch of tattoos, which I think weirds me out almost as much as realizing that someone I can remember vividly from my childhood is now working as a security guard at the library.

How the fucking hell did that happen?

That's just too much weird for one night.

Live Help?

It was my week to host Too Much Pressure (it's the radio show I do with Robin on Sundays, you should know that already) so I got to see the switchboard over at BlogTalk. Usually I don't pay too much attention to anything beyond keeping the show going but today I kept seeing the "live help" icon down in the corner.

I have a question....

Why is that penis wearing headphones?

Punisher: Review Zone

Well, I'll hand it to them. I do feel punished. I don't know what I was being punished for but it was clearly something really bad and I've very, very sorry.
When I watch any action movie I go in knowing it's not going to be Gone With The Wind or, well, anything really amazingly good. I'm not a huge fan of the genre but I can appreciate it, even like it. It's something I do, now and then, when I just want to shut my brain off for a few hours and watch some mindless shit involving a lot of ridiculous scenarios in which many guns are fired and dead evil henchmen litter the ground like confetti at a parade. Is that so wrong?
Last night I really just wanted to watch something along those lines so I borrowed my brother's copy of Punisher: War Zone. To be honest, Punisher was never one of my favourite comic book characters but I liked them enough to have seen and enjoyed the first movie. Also, Ray Stevenson is the new Frank Castle. Have I mentioned my love of Ray Stevenson? Because he's awesomely awesome and he was one of the very big reasons I love Rome as much as I do.
I was hoping for something good.
I was disappointed. Actually that's not even a strong enough word but I'll go with it for now.
Ray was, as I expected, the best part of the movie. I was having a bit of trouble picturing him as an action hero, especially Frank Castle but he managed to pull it off nicely.
And there ends anything good I have to say about the movie.
Wait, that's not true. Wayne Knight was pretty awesome in that "hey, I'm Wayne Knight" kind of way.
There were just so many things about the movie that were bad, wrong, troubling or down-right laughable. The biggest, most glaring problem were the accents. I cringed every time 90% of the actors opened their mouths. They all went for the most over the top, stereo-typical New York drawl with limited and varied success. (By the way - Thanks, Ray, for just going with a general American accent. It worked and I appreciated it. Really.)
Dominic West was absolutely the worst offender. It was so bad I was actually having trouble even paying attention to what he was saying. Would it really have been that fucking hard to find an american actor to play Jigsaw if that was what they wanted? I mean, the US seems to be positively infested with American actors and they couldn't find a single one? Although, to be fair, Doug Hutchinson wasn't any better. He comes in at #2 in the list of "unbelievably bad accents" and he's from Delaware. (Also on the list is the mafia boss at the beginning of the film, who's name I didn't bother committing to memory who was speaking in what can only be described as a bad Godfather impression meets The Simpson's Luigi Risotto voice.)
The acting was equally as bad going from wooden to (Adam West) Batman Villain-esque over the top and back again at alarming speed. All of which was bumped up a notch by how rushed everything felt. The whole movie felt like a speeding car with no breaks.
The creation of Jigsaw being the best example. He went from being shredded in some kind of factory that's never really explained to being up and walking around half a scene later. He even gets to do a half-assed, wannabe Joker/plastic surgeon reveal scene before he spends most of the movie being completely unfazed by his transformation and about 2 seconds being all "oh I'm so damn ugly! boo-hoo!" (Again, to be fair, the make-up was painfully bad. I would have cried too.)
Really, I could spend all day picking the film apart (I could spend an hour just on "Looney Bin" Jim) but I just haven't got the time to devote to that much garbage. Between the painfully bad acting, the shitty accents, the unexplained... well, everything, the plot holes, the cliches, the make-up, the special effects, the costumes (what the FUCK was Jigsaw wearing in that last 1/4 of the movie? Seriously. What. The. Fuck.) and the sound effects (the squishy/splashy/splat sounds that every single injury made went from stupid to ridiculous to annoying to hysterical. It was like something out of a WB cartoon) it was just bad.
I did actually make it through the entire movie but I had, more than once, considered giving up and going to bed which says more about it than anything.
Finally, let me just say this - Ray, I love you. Really I do. This in no way reflects on how awesome I think you are.
But sweet titty fucking Christ, this movie was fucking awful.

*edit: When casting mafia muscle men, do you think it's possible that they could have found anyone LESS intimidating than Keram Malicki-Sanchez? Really? Because he's about as intimidating as a potato.

Meme Time: My Life According To The Beatles

It's Saturday and I'm too tired to be clever or original, so you get a meme! Yay! Aren't you excited? I know I am!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (derp derp derp)"

Pick your Artist:
The Beatles

Are you a male or female?
Girl

Describe yourself:
Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey

How do you feel:
Happiness is a warm gun

Describe where you currently live:
Strawberry fields forever

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Across the universe

Your favorite form of transportation:
Yellow Submarine

Your best friend is:
Mr. Moonlight

You and your best friends are:
Sgt. Pepper's lonely hearts club band

What's the weather like:
Rain

Favorite time of day:
A hard day's night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
A day in the life

What is life to you:
Carnival of light

Your last relationship:
Bad to me

Your fear:
A world without love

What is the best advice you have to give:
Act naturally

Thought for the Day:
Don't bother me

How I would like to die:
Free as a bird

My soul's present condition:
No Reply

Most Faithful Companion:
Blackbird

My motto:
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da

Oh and I'm tagging Robin, Janna, Ed

Painkillers...

The only thing keeping me from killing everyone right now.

PMS: Inside every woman lurks a homicidal maniac.

Well, I'd Be Screwed...

Created by The Oatmeal

I'm Not Dead, Honest

Just really, fucking, head-splittingly busy.

Aside from my regular work load I also have a wedding cake to do this week. Most of which had to be revised several times because everything was going horribly horribly wrong. This was causing me too much stress and panic. But now that I seem to have it all sorted I am much, much, much happier.

I say that reluctantly, because every time I think I've got it sorted it falls apart again. I feel kind of like I'm trying to build a house of cards in a hurricane.

Anyway, once it's all said and done I'l try to be around more. Really.

Hi I'm Not In Right Now...

But you can leave a message at the beep or you can try me over at Bluepaintred.

30-40% More Badass

I think from now on I am going to start referring to the toaster as the bread scorcher.

Happy Birthday, Little Brother!

Happy birthday, Reid!

Thanks for occasionally making me happy that I never managed to find someone willing to buy you while you were still small enough to be cute.

Goodbye, Mr. Lye

Maybe the name Les Lye is one you're not familiar with but he was a big part of my childhood. He was "the adult" on You Can't Do That On Television and I spent more time watching Les and the rest of the gang than almost anything else for years.

Les passed away yesterday. He was 84.

So, goodbye and thanks for the laughs, Les.

So Who's Coming With Me?

Here's the thing, I love Flogging Molly. I love them a lot. While I'm normally not one to be hung up on concerts (actually for the most part I don't like them, crowds bother me A LOT), I love them. And they are coming here.

Well, not here, here. Saskatchewan here. Saskatoon to be exact. Oct. 25th. (Even better as it's a Sunday and I have Sunday and Monday off! Yay!)

So I'm looking for someone or some people to go with. Seriously. Let me know if you're down, because I can get my crazy Irish freak on all by myself!