Team Edward?

Yeah, you could say that.
Wait... who the fuck were you talking about?

Avatar: You Knew This Was Coming, Right?

Yes, I saw it. Please stop asking. I'll even tell you exactly what I thought of it so I don't have to keep repeating myself because, frankly, it's gotten a bit tiring. I'll even start with what I liked.

It was really pretty and the 3D was amazing.

And now on to everything else. No really, that's about all the good I have to say about this movie. Sorry kids, if you wanted sugar and gumdrops you came to the wrong place.
For a movie that cost $500 million to make and has taken over a billion at the box office, I couldn't help but feeling like the movie is more of a success because of advertising than because it's a good movie. I guess when a director goes over ten years between big projects and gets a budget of $500 million people just automatically assume it's going to be AMAZING.
I'll start with my biggest complaint - I've seen this movie before. It was called Fern Gully, it was also called Pocahontas, it was Dances with Wolves, Braveheart and a book - Call Me Joe. It was a dozen movies I've seen before and who did it better.
As a friend of mine pointed out (and who I agree with, by the way), a movie need not be original to be good. There are hundreds of movies that are rip offs of hundreds of other movies, books, ideas, etc. and they're all really good. But what makes them good it that they took something I've seen before and did it in a way I've never seen before. Star Trek was a really good example of that and if you don't remember how I felt about that movie, I suggest you go reread my review.
But Avatar didn't do that. It didn't make these ideas its own. It just stuck in new characters and changed the name of the planet - TADA! New movie! Right?
Yeah, not so much.
It wouldn't even be so bad if that was my only complaint. Of course, it's not.
When the most believable character in the movie is animated, you have a problem. Neytiri seemed like the only character that actually belonged (even then, it was mostly when she was upset). Every other character was wooden, over the top or bounced between the two. Sigourney Weaver's over the top bitchiness combined with the decision to make her a smoker was just silly. Sam Worthington was so wooden for the first half of the movie they could have just used a cardboard cutout. Michelle Rodriguez was apparently playing Michelle Rodriguez: chopper pilot.
Then there were the bad guys - Gov. Ratcliffe... er... I mean Parker Selfridge played by Giovanni Ribisi (good work on making his name as close to "selfish" as you could, James) and Hexxus... er... Col. Quaritch played by Stephen Lang.
I'm not going to blame these guys entirely for being cast in roles that are so worn out they should be retired to the old roles home because, really, what are you supposed to do with that?
Giovanni was playing the typical corporate, money loving, environment hating, soulless bastard. His mantra throughout the film is "they're only trees and savages are stupid" despite overwhelming evidence. He's arrogant and stupid and about as one dimentional as a character can get.
Stephen got the wholly original role (where's that sarcasm punctuation when I need it) as the cartoonishly over the top bad guy with a gun. His motto is "shoot first, second, third... don't bother with questions". He's laughable to say the least and so unbelievable that it's hard to feel like he's a genuine threat.
All of this is compounded by some serious holes and leaps you're supposed to make. Jake mentions only once that on earth there's nothing green left but we've never been shown the earth he's from. We also have to assume that the humans aren't there to colonize the planet, what with it having air that will kill you if everything else on the planet doesn't kill you first. So they're just there for some substance James Cameron only thought to really mention once? And then what? They go back to their own dying world? What's the plan here? Are people really that stupid in the future? We haven't learned anything?
It's only mentioned that Jake's brother was a scientist and the one who was meant for the mission but he was killed off before he could leave. "For the paper in his wallet". So he was mugged? And an organization with that much money on the line decided to take an untrained, uneducated meat-head and put him in his place? And they didn't think a little training before hand would be, I dunno, a good idea? Uh huh.
But it all works out alright because Grandmother Willow... um... Eywa says he's cool.
*Sigh*
Like I said, the movie is really pretty but everything else left me wondering how, exactly, James Cameron is still getting work. Even the prettiness got a bit mind numbing after a while, and not in a good way. As amazing as the animation was, when combined with real actors it still looked clownish and out of place. It was like spending two hours trapped in a technicolor acid trip nightmare. Pandora at night was so silly it was like "Las Vegas: the rain forest".
I don't know, maybe I've just gotten that jaded but this movie was a major disappointment and I say that as someone who wasn't expecting much.

Romantic? Really?

It really doesn't ever cease to amaze me what people label "romantic" when it comes to movies, TV and music. Somehow things that we would all find really creepy in real life become the most romantic thing ever when portrayed by some big name celebrity.

Need examples? Okay...

Phantom of the Opera - I was asked my opinion on this the other day and I responded that aside from my limited tolerance for people singing about EVERYTHING, I'm not a big fan. See, murdering stalkers who are given to rape and kidnapping aren't really my type. I'm weird like that.

Enrique Iglesias "Escape" - "You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love" Really? Huh. I could have sworn that was called stalking and I'm pretty sure it's illegal.

Twilight - Oh, don't look at me like that. You knew it would come up. The guy watches her while she sleeps and gets angry when she sees people he doesn't like, just for starters. He's a stalker and a douche of a boyfriend. In real life this shit is NOT ROMANTIC. It's abusive. And the chick is such a classic victim it makes me want to vomit blood. Young women should NOT think that this shit is a good thing! This is shit they teach you in recovering from abuse that you should see as a red flag. It actually concerns the shit out of me that Stephanie Meyer is sending this message to girls and apparently believes it's okay.

James Bond (every movie) - Long live the god of "No means yes and more no means 'kiss me'." I actually like James Bond but the way he treats women has always annoyed the shit out of me. Kirk has this same problem in Star Trek, the idea that women really just want to be bossed around and treated like sex toys. That when we say no, a good smack and forcing a kiss will make us understand that the man was right all along. Again, not romantic. Abusive, yes. Sexual harassment, yes. Total dickwadish, absolutely. Romantic, not even a little.

Aerosmith "I don't wanna miss a thing" - This would be really sweet and romantic if it weren't so incredibly creepy. These are about the clingiest, neediest, obsessive lyrics ever written. If you had a boyfriend this insane you'd be trying to get a restraining order.

Say Anything - Calling someone 8 times in a row and showing up at their house with a boombox to serenade them? Intensely creepy. John Cusack is the only person who should ever, ever, ever attempt this maneuver.

The Police "I'll be watching you" - I almost didn't include this because it's actually a song about a stalker. Then someone reminded me that there are still people who use this song for wedding first dances and other applications that would seem to imply they have no idea that this shit is wrong. Once more people, say it with me - STALKING IS NOT ROMANTIC. Which is why there are so many celebrities who get restraining orders and there are anti-stalking laws.

I know there are lots more examples. These are only a few. Feel free to leave more in the comments. For now, I'm sick and tired and hungry so that's all I've got.

Holy Hell...

Has it been that long?

Sorry guys. I honestly haven't forgotten about this place. I've just been stupid busy and occupied with a million other things. It's hard to be motivated to write anything at all when I do have a free minute when all I want to do is lay on the couch and maybe watch an episode or two of something or other.

Tomorrow is the shoot day for my teeny, tiny, very small film. For such a little thing it is causing me massive amounts of stress and costing me a small fortune.

I'm not complaining, mind you. This is really something I'm more excited and happy about than I have been in... maybe ever. Every minute of stress, every penny spent, every sleepless night, every worry I have, every bit of work done is absolutely worth it to be able to spend even one day doing the one thing that makes me happier than anything in the world. And I'm incredibly fortunate to have some really amazing and awesome people on my side, helping me out and putting themselves out just so I can do this. I appreciate it more than I'm sure I'll ever be able to express.

So lets all cross our fingers and hope that tomorrow goes really well.

Send good vibes and happy thoughts. I need all I can get.

Punisher: Review Zone

Well, I'll hand it to them. I do feel punished. I don't know what I was being punished for but it was clearly something really bad and I've very, very sorry.
When I watch any action movie I go in knowing it's not going to be Gone With The Wind or, well, anything really amazingly good. I'm not a huge fan of the genre but I can appreciate it, even like it. It's something I do, now and then, when I just want to shut my brain off for a few hours and watch some mindless shit involving a lot of ridiculous scenarios in which many guns are fired and dead evil henchmen litter the ground like confetti at a parade. Is that so wrong?
Last night I really just wanted to watch something along those lines so I borrowed my brother's copy of Punisher: War Zone. To be honest, Punisher was never one of my favourite comic book characters but I liked them enough to have seen and enjoyed the first movie. Also, Ray Stevenson is the new Frank Castle. Have I mentioned my love of Ray Stevenson? Because he's awesomely awesome and he was one of the very big reasons I love Rome as much as I do.
I was hoping for something good.
I was disappointed. Actually that's not even a strong enough word but I'll go with it for now.
Ray was, as I expected, the best part of the movie. I was having a bit of trouble picturing him as an action hero, especially Frank Castle but he managed to pull it off nicely.
And there ends anything good I have to say about the movie.
Wait, that's not true. Wayne Knight was pretty awesome in that "hey, I'm Wayne Knight" kind of way.
There were just so many things about the movie that were bad, wrong, troubling or down-right laughable. The biggest, most glaring problem were the accents. I cringed every time 90% of the actors opened their mouths. They all went for the most over the top, stereo-typical New York drawl with limited and varied success. (By the way - Thanks, Ray, for just going with a general American accent. It worked and I appreciated it. Really.)
Dominic West was absolutely the worst offender. It was so bad I was actually having trouble even paying attention to what he was saying. Would it really have been that fucking hard to find an american actor to play Jigsaw if that was what they wanted? I mean, the US seems to be positively infested with American actors and they couldn't find a single one? Although, to be fair, Doug Hutchinson wasn't any better. He comes in at #2 in the list of "unbelievably bad accents" and he's from Delaware. (Also on the list is the mafia boss at the beginning of the film, who's name I didn't bother committing to memory who was speaking in what can only be described as a bad Godfather impression meets The Simpson's Luigi Risotto voice.)
The acting was equally as bad going from wooden to (Adam West) Batman Villain-esque over the top and back again at alarming speed. All of which was bumped up a notch by how rushed everything felt. The whole movie felt like a speeding car with no breaks.
The creation of Jigsaw being the best example. He went from being shredded in some kind of factory that's never really explained to being up and walking around half a scene later. He even gets to do a half-assed, wannabe Joker/plastic surgeon reveal scene before he spends most of the movie being completely unfazed by his transformation and about 2 seconds being all "oh I'm so damn ugly! boo-hoo!" (Again, to be fair, the make-up was painfully bad. I would have cried too.)
Really, I could spend all day picking the film apart (I could spend an hour just on "Looney Bin" Jim) but I just haven't got the time to devote to that much garbage. Between the painfully bad acting, the shitty accents, the unexplained... well, everything, the plot holes, the cliches, the make-up, the special effects, the costumes (what the FUCK was Jigsaw wearing in that last 1/4 of the movie? Seriously. What. The. Fuck.) and the sound effects (the squishy/splashy/splat sounds that every single injury made went from stupid to ridiculous to annoying to hysterical. It was like something out of a WB cartoon) it was just bad.
I did actually make it through the entire movie but I had, more than once, considered giving up and going to bed which says more about it than anything.
Finally, let me just say this - Ray, I love you. Really I do. This in no way reflects on how awesome I think you are.
But sweet titty fucking Christ, this movie was fucking awful.

*edit: When casting mafia muscle men, do you think it's possible that they could have found anyone LESS intimidating than Keram Malicki-Sanchez? Really? Because he's about as intimidating as a potato.

I Fought The Urge And The Urge Won

Since the whole Twilight thing became such a world wide plague and every other blog post in the entire blogosphere has either been a pro or anti Twilight post, I've been trying to avoid the subject completely. Mostly because, like so many other things I find remarkably stupid, I was hoping that maybe it was just a fad that would be gone before the end of the week.

Unfortunately I was wrong.

Apparently Stephanie Meyer has some kind of terrifying hypnotic power that has convinced scored of people that her books are complete drivel. That sparkly vampires are cool. That "vegetarian vampires" isn't the stupidest phrase ever uttered by a human being. I'm not sure how she does it but I think we should all be afraid.

But to be honest, this isn't really a rant about Twilight. They've been done to death and let's just say that I'll add my voice to the chorus of people who are booing it. This is a rant about another beast. 

Robert Pattison.

Can someone please explain to me what, exactly, all these girls are swooning about? PLEASE!? Because all I see when I look at him is a fugly, pale, effeminate, manorexic, heroin chic, douche bag. Even as far as his "acting" goes, from what I've seen of the movie he comes across as little more than a vapid, emo, airhead.

When did that become sexy? 

I don't get it.

How did we go from Brad Pitt to Robert Fucking Pattison?

I shouldn't be completely surprised, I had the exact same thought about Orlando "look at my amazing inability to grow facial hair" Bloom. Fugly, effeminate, douche.

Honestly, it's not even that I care that everyone seems to be in love with the freaks. It means more Hugh Jackman for me. Keep your girly men. If I want one for myself, I'll take David Bowie. He may be effeminate, but he's the original hot-fem. 

What gripes me is that when the world goes nuts for a couple of these freaks, Hollywood does it's damnedest to find EVEN MORE of them. They start producing more "Twilight-esque" movies, bring out the Robert Pattison 2.0 (who is already just Orlando Bloom 4.1) and suddenly a cultural phenomenon I found vaguely annoying starts seeping in to things I enjoy. 

So now I'm begging you, please, take a really good look at these "hot guys". Think about what you're saying. Because, believe me, if it carries on the way it seems to be carrying on, it won't be long before I snap entirely and no one really wants that. Right?

5 Simple Rules For Surviving The Movie Theatre

As much as I was disappointed in the movie last night, I was ready to strangle several people in the audience. Here are a few simple rules for all of you to remember the next time you go to the theatre. They'll make everyone's experience much more pleasant and it will keep me from killing you in a brutal and bloody fashion while the rest of the people cheer me on for doing what they all wanted to do.

1. G rated, animated, kids movies are for kids. Anything PG13 or over is for adults. That means if I go to see an action flick with guns and killing and explosions and helicopter crashes, I shouldn't have to listen to your fucking baby screeching through the entire fucking film. If your kid isn't old enough to behave itself through an entire movie I suggest you start waiting until movies come out on DVD or invest in a fucking babysitter.

2. I actually like to watch the previews but I understand not everyone does so I'll put up with you talking through them. That being said, if you think that it's acceptable to sit and chat with the person next to you, you're going to end up in a lot of pain. That sharp pain in your head will probably be from my foot connecting with it repeatedly until you shut the fuck up.

3. I'm also one of those people who likes to watch the credits. Again, I know not everyone does and that is fine, leave. But either leave or sit the fuck down. If you stand up in front of me and stay there for any length of time I will quickly run out of the will power to not shove you over the seats.

4. Believe me when I say that you are capable of going two hours without looking at, answering or playing with your phone. Turn it off, dipshit. Even if you're not on the phone, taking the fucking thing out and lighting up half the theatre just to assure yourself that it hasn't run away is fucking distracting. If you feel like you're not capable of this, I'll happily shove that fucking thing up your ass to save you having to worry about it.

5. I know you think you're a cinematic genius and I'm sure that your opinion is really interesting but unless your name is Crow, Tom Servo, Mike Nelson or Joel Robinson there is no way in hell I should be listening to your running commentary on every fucking second of the movie. 

X-men Origins: What The Fuck?

I wasn't sure I was going to see it, to be perfectly honest. That alone should say something about this movie. I love the X-men, I've read the comics, I've watched the show, hell, I have some of the trader cards and I was still strongly considering giving it a miss. But my brother saw it and reported back that it was "watchable". So last night we went.

Where to start?

The good news is that, for the most part, the casting was pretty damned good. 

I know lots of people have complained that Hugh Jackman isn't the best choice for Wolverine, but he's established himself as the clawed one now, so can we move on? 

Liev Schreiber actually did a much better job than I was expecting. As far as being someone who could become Sabretooth, he really did a good job. 

Ryan Reynolds was, well, Ryan Reynolds. Actually I'm pretty sure that's just how the guy is. 

Really, my only serious complaint in casting was Gambit. Taylor Kitsch was bloody awful. Gambit is and has always been the ragin' cajun and this guy couldn't even hold down a decent accent. Instead it came in annoying burst along with his ridiculous acrobatics and awful hair. 

Unfortunately the movie itself is full of some serious fuck-ups regarding characters and their backgrounds. Any half wit with internet access can check these things online after searching for about 20 seconds so how this got past the writers is beyond me.

But the biggest problem with this movie is the effects. They're not just bad, they're laughably bad. When Logan in standing in the bathroom testing out his new metal claws I actually started cracking up. They could have looked more cartoony if I had been watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Emma Frost's skin, for the record, is diamond hard NOT covered in tiny diamonds. It looked like some amateur job from Worth1000. And Patrick Stewart's brief cameo... I actually had to look again just to see if it was actually him. What the fuck did they do to his face!?

The most painful thing about the movie is that, essentially, it is a watchable movie. It's not great, but it's passable. But the shitty effects make the whole thing shlocky and awful at worst and laughable at best. In the credits they list about half a dozen effects companies and all I could think was "all those people and not a one could pull of a decent effect to save their lives".

This movie was so painfully lackluster that I can't even work myself in to a decent rant.

On the upside - I saw it on a Tues. so it only cost me $5.

Star Trek: The Review

I had to write it some time. Come on, you knew it was coming, didn't you? I just had to wait a while and let it all sink in. Today I saw it for a second time, collected my thoughts and here I am.

Here's the short version - It was mind-blowingly awesome. If I ever get the chance to meet J.J. Abrams, I just might kiss him. I loved this movie from start to finish.

And now, in traditional Kill the Body style, here's the long version (you know this was coming too, right?).

From the day that the movie was announced I've been waiting. Patiently (well, patiently for me anyway). The closer the release date got, the more anxious I got. The night it opened, I was there before anyone, ticket in hand. Obsessive? Yeah, I am. 

My expectations were high, really high. I'd kept myself from as much information as I could (aside from the previews which I'd watched dozens of times) because I didn't want to form any opinions before the opening credits even rolled. I'd heard some people complain about some casting choices, but beyond that I knew almost nothing. I even managed to keep myself from rushing to IMDB and checking everything out.

I'm glad I did. It meant I got to be surprised a few times (very happily surprised) which was amazing.

I could go in to every single detail (believe me, I could, really) but I won't. It would take me the better part of the next year to cover it all. The casting was amazing (aside from a brief appearance by Winona Ryder - honestly one of only two minor complaints I had). Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto were perfect. Simon Pegg was so awesome as Scotty it hurt. Karl Urban picked up the classic Bones paranoia, sarcasm and attitude like a natural. And Nimoy... Oh Nimoy, I can't even begin to say how much I love that man. I quite literally giggled like a schoolgirl. 

Aside from the cast, the movie was visually astonishing. There isn't a single moment in the film that wasn't breathtaking in it's style and detail. My only note on any of the visuals is that I wish I could have seen so much more of Vulcan. 

This movie should be taken from the point on as a lesson on how to make a successful prequel (there are too many examples of how not to do it). Star Trek is something I know, it's like an old friend, I've seen them all so many times there isn't much that I've missed. I know the characters stories, I know the history, I know the stories and if you can take all that in to account and still manage to surprise me, show me new things and keep me happy all at once you, my friend, have really gone where no one has gone before. I've seen the Enterprise and every version of it (hell, I own a scale model of the thing - I see it every single day) and when the shuttle flew past the newly completed NCC-1701 I saw something I know well and it felt like it was the very first time I'd ever laid eyes on it. That is how you can tell you've done something right.

I knew walking in to the film that the margin for error was huge and my expectations were so high that the chances that I would walk away horribly disappointed were too great. I worried that it wouldn't just fall short of what I hoped but that it would be an incredible flop that would leave me speechless in frustration. But even with all that, it still managed to exceed my expectations. A feat which has never been achieved before.

Finally, and most importantly of all, today when I saw it I saw it with my brother. My brother is so not a trekkie. In fact, I've been teased more than once for my trekkieness. But he wanted to see it. When we left I looked to him for an opinion (of which he has many, the unfavourable ones being loudest). He thought it was great.

He has seen maybe a handful of TNG and even less TOS. He knows little to nothing of the show. Despite all that, he understood it all AND he liked it. A lot.

Yes, I know this post makes me even more of a nerd than you already thought I was. Sorry, it had to come out sooner or later. 

Damn You, Rene Russo

How could you want to hurt this guy? Look at how amazing he is!

Anyone who knows me should know by now that I love Kevin Spacey. I do. It's true. So his movies get a special place in my heart too. But there's just one thing...
Outbreak.
Why? Why does Kevin have to die? And so horribly? What the fuck is up with that? And the whole thing becomes even more frustrating when Rene Russo gets the cure just after Kevin dies. What the hell is that all about? Does anyone even like Rene Russo? Really?
I mean, I have to partly blame that on Dustin Hoffman and his need for a love interest. But Rene Russo? Over Kevin?
Can't we all just agree that Kevin should never, ever, ever die in any movie ever? Especially not in some horrible way and certainly not just before the cure is found to whatever horrible disease is killing him. Okay? Deal?

Welcome To Meme-terpiece Theatre

Hey look, another meme I stole! Woo!

1. Pick 25 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDB, find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them in a note for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDB search functions. That's cheating and it ruins the fun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. "That guy is tense. Tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. The baritone was this guy named Kip Diskin, big fat guy, I mean, like, orca fat. He was so stressed in the morning..."

2. "You're in love. Have a beer."
"Oh, my body's a temple."
"Now it's an amusement park."

3. "Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well."

4. "I know it is a little early for Christmas, Edward, but; I have a present for you."

5. "I'm only an elected official here, I can't make decisions by myself!"

6. "And it is said that the Princess returned to her father's kingdom. That she reigned there with justice and a kind heart for many centuries. That she was loved by her people. And that she left behind small traces of her time on Earth, visible only to those who know where to look."

7. "And I'm the Devil. Now kindly undo these straps."

8. "It's an old habit. I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless but not men. How's your boy?"

9. "Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless negativism. Consider the lilies of the goddamn field or... hell! Take at look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope."

10. "I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death..."

11. "My grandfather's work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! "

12. "I wouldn't bring up Paris if I were you, it's poor salesmanship."

13. "After living in the USA for more than thirty-five years they called me an undesirable alien. Me. Johnny Rocco. Like I was a dirty Red or something!"

14. "I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed."

15. "Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell."

16. "I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye."

17. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

18. "Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?"

19. "Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures."

20. "Have no fear, little one... I am here to protect thee."

21. "Why should I love God? He strung up his only son like a side of veal. I shudder to think what he'd do to me."

22. "What a mystery this world, one day you love them and the next day you want to kill them a thousand times over."

23. "My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?"
"A picture of me?"
"No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!"

24. "Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up."

25. "Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who *mocks* him and *laughs* at him as he's repeatedly *crushed* and *maimed*! Hope you'll *enjoy* it!"

You Know What Today Is?

No, it's not Rex Manning Day.
IT'S DARK KNIGHT DAY! Yay!
So of course I went out and braved the ice and snow and cold and shitty drivers and Best Buy shoppers to get my grubby hands on my very own copy. Along with God of War and Motown Classics Gold. (Seriously, what is it with me and Best Buy? I never seem to be able to get out of that place without at lest three items. I can't remember the last time I went there and spent less than $30. It's like some kind of crazy money stealing vortex of entertainment. *sigh*)
Now I'm home again and I plan to celebrate this wonderful holiday (it is a holiday, right?) by sitting on my couch in my jim-jams and watching me some delicious Batman action. Feel free to join me, popcorn and snacks are welcome.

Waffle Time!

Last night I was watching TV and I came to the conclusion that I needed a waffle. Why a waffle? I have no idea. Luckily for me however, I have a waffle iron, I found a decent recipe for waffles and I actually had ALL the stuff I needed. So at 9pm I made waffle batter. (I'm one of those weirdos who actually has to make them from scratch because frozen store bought waffles are disgusting.) While I made waffles I learned three very important things.

1. Vanilla soy milk works really well in waffle batter and it makes the waffles kind of sweet.

2. I ALWAYS over fill the first batch of waffles. You'd think I'd learn.

3. My waffle iron makes farting noises which make me giggle like a small child. I am just too mature for words.

I also had to make all of the batter which made more waffles than any one person should ever eat in a single sitting, so now I have tasty waffles in my freezer I can have any time. In fact, I had peanut butter and jam waffle for breakfast instead of toast. Sometimes it's good to be me.
Oh and I was watching Scrubs while I ate breakfast and I happened to be watching an episode that starts off with John C. McGinley singing a happy little song (John C. being the #1 reason I watch Scrubs, it made me giddy**). Now you can enjoy it too!



**Bet you would never have guessed that Dr. Cox is MY favourite character, eh?

This Post Has Nothing To Do With Dinosaurs

It mostly has to do with me pimping other sites for no real reason other than boredom. That and if other people go to use these sites they will be less likely to go tits up so I can continue enjoying them. Then everyone wins, right?
Anyway, if you were a fan of MST3K you simply must go to Riff Trax. Go now, spend a few dollars, laugh your ass off. Jurassic Park is by far the best one I've seen so far. (Damn, now the title of this post is a lie!) If you weren't a fan of MST3K, what the fuck are you doing here? Go away and come back when you've grown a sense of humour.
Next up and I was really hesitant to share this because I don't want every book I'm interested in being stolen away from me (I know what you fucking jackals are like) is Mini Book Expo (for bloggers). A site where they give you free books in exchange for your review of the books. FREE BOOKS! I think those are my two favourite words. (If any of you get your hands on I (heart) Geeks I would love to get a look at it when you're done.)
And last but certainly not least, Robin has been having a bad week. Please be sure to stop by and tell her just how lovely and wonderful she is. Because sometimes you just need a hug or at very least, someone to say nice things about you and type "HUGZ!"

Please Send Help

Scratch that. Send drugs.
I'm on day seven of this headache and nothing so far has worked. I've been through ever pill bottle in the house and now I'm on the Head-On at Janna's suggestion that it might work. But to no avail. I'd cry if I didn't know that crying only makes my head hurt more.
I'm actually thinking of naming it. It's old enough and big enough to deserve it. I've even decided on a name. Marvin.
"Why Marvin?" I hear you asking. Because I've been watching too much Muppet Show again and every time I see Marvin Suggs and his muppaphone I feel a connection to those poor fuzzy little muppets.
Actually, the more that I think about it, the more I think that from now on all of my headaches will be named Marvin.

Dear Robert Downey Jr.,

I just wanted to drop you a line because I have a few things I need to say. Mostly because you've been on my mind for the last little while. With the release of Iron Man, your GQ interview, the upcoming Tropical Thunder, it would be a little hard not to think about you and I have to say that I'm really excited to have so many excellent reasons to.
I've only just got back from finally seeing Iron man, by the way. It was fabulous. More than fabulous. I honestly can't even think of a word to adequately describe how awesome it was. I was never a huge Iron Man fan. I mean, I've read them, sure. But he was never one of my favourites. Now I'm starting to feel like that's going to change. You made me love Tony Stark, faults and all. You made him someone I could love. That kind of leads me to what I wanted to say.
You're wonderful, you know that? Really. You're a fantastic actor. Absolutely one of the best. (And I'm not one for saccharine flattery.)
I remember very well watching Chaplin as a child and being absolutely captivated by it. Even more recently I felt that same sense of captivation, the same sympathy, the same connection watching Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. You give the characters you play such a humanity that it's hard not to be sucked in by them.
So I'd like to say that I, for one, am so very happy to see you again. I wish only the best for you.
I know the opinion of a very unknown blogger carries, well, no weight at all but I really do think you're something special.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

PS - I know I'm not the first to say it and I surely won't be the last, but you have THE most incredible eyes. (Sorry, I just had to say it.)

That Old Gag?

I'm starting to think that Hollywood really need to institute rules and regulations regarding gratuitous gag usage. For every tired old gag writers drag out there should be heavy fines. I have a feeling that this would seriously improve a lot of shows and movies and force people to be just a little more creative. (Though it might have a side effect of creating a cycle of gags. Because, of course, if a tired old gag is unused long enough one could reasonably argue that upon reviving it that the fines should be less.)All of the fines could then be given to charity or something.
Here's what I'm thinking:

1) Pie in the face
1a) Pie with filling (ie. Apple, blueberry, etc.) - $500 per pie
1b) Cream pie (Whipped cream, banana cream, meringue or other wise) - $1000 per pie

2) Boss is coming to dinner, hijinx ensue - $2000
2a) Plot stolen directly from "I Love Lucy" - $5000

3) Trying to get rid of an old boyfriend/girlfriend by pretending one of your friends is your husband/wife - $3000
3a) Realizing that the old boyfriend/girlfriend has actually made something of himself/herself/become stinking rich/a supermodel and trying to weasel out of the lie - $4000

4) Character tries to quit smoking by using carrot sticks, complains that he/she can't get them to light - $3000

5) Character doesn't correct mistaken identity right away, hijinx ensue - $3000
5a) Job/sale/relationship riding on the outcome of the situation - $3500

6) Woman walks in at inopportune moment in Man's conversation, blows up without allowing any kind of explanation - $5000

7) Two dates, one restaurant, hijinx ensue - $6000

8) Stereotypical Irish cop - $3000
8a) His name is Paddy/last name begins with O' - $4000

9) Aliens trying to pass themselves off as human
9a) Movie - $50,000
9b) TV series - $1,000,000

10)Mexican servant - $10,000
10a) Over the top accent for comical effect - $20,000

I know there must be more. Any suggestions?

I Swear They're Trying To Kill Me

Can someone please tell me why the fuck we suddenly have this huge crop of movies that are remakes of old films? Or is it just me? Am I the only one noticing this? In the last couple of months I haven't had a single movie related conversation that didn't include someone saying "Oh, did you hear they're remaking (insert movie that should never ever be remade)?"
Has Hollywood finally become completely devoid of any original thought or creativity? Are they that hard up for new stories? Have they completely tapped out of the usual mindless bullshit they normally pump out? What the fuck?
For long while already they've been draining the comic world and turning characters and stories we've all known and loved for years into barely recognisable, watered down, Hollywoodized garbage. Trying to re-do things that were done right the first fucking time. Trying to attract even more people to the movies they already had an audience for and just pissing everyone off. Fucking it up badly enough that no reader, from the casual to the hardcore fan boys, is willing to overlook it and still not making it a story that any of the non-fans are interested in anyway.
Then they started going after tv nostalgia. Shows that ran for years that again, everyone knows and fucking that up too. Trying to update and revamp things that everyone still remembers fondly. I mean for fuck sakes, just look at Bewitched: the movie! What the fuck were they thinking!? Michael fucking Caine couldn't even save that movie from being unwatchable. And between the trailers for Underdog and Alvin and the Chipmunks it's almost more than I can take.
For some reason Hollywood, with very few exceptions, manages to completely fuck up everything it tries to re-do. So I hope you'll understand my agitation when I hear that they're diving head first into the remakes. And I really don't get it, this need to "remake" anything. If it was done right the first time you're never going to be able to surpass that glory, you're not going to make it better and you're not going to relive that magic. You're going to take something great and rape it up the ass while we all watch in disgust. And if it wasn't done right the first time you don't get a fucking "do-over"!
Did Planet of the Apes teach them nothing?


One more thing, if anyone connected with the Deathrace 2000 remake is reading this, could you do me a favour and go fuck yourselves? Thanks.

I'm Too Upset To Come Up With A Clever Title

First, let me just say I love Jason Lee. Really I do. A whole bunch.
Now.... What the donkey raping hell is this? Seriously. You're fucking kidding me, right? Jesus titty fucking Christ.
What's next? Huh? Kevin Smith starring in "Barney: The Movie"?
GAH!

Seriously, I Wish

I found this over at Penny Arcade today and seriously, as sad as it is, I would see this movie. It would be kick ass.