- Being in pain is no excuse for being a pain in the ass. My ability to feel bad for you is significantly decreased when you're being a bitch.
- If you think that cracking the whip and coming down hard on people is the best way to lead them and to get them to follow orders, you're an idiot. An idiot who's going to get their ass handed to them by a large group of angry people that don't like being treated like shit.
- If you have to change everything about how you conduct yourself to impress someone chances are that you're not going to be able to impress them anyway or you really aren't good enough. Either way, you're going to go down in flames so you might as well have fun along the way. Maybe if you loosen up they won't think you're a total ass-hat.
- If you have a problem with me, here's an exciting new approach - TELL ME. Don't tell someone else. Funny thing about coming and talking directly to me, shit gets sorted almost immediately. Oh and just FYI, if you do tell someone else and they tell me, chances are damned good I'm going to talk to you about it. So you won't escape me anyway and I'll be annoyed that I had to go through all this just to hear that you were upset about something stupid.
- Yes, I am like this all the time.
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
From Me To You 25
It's hard to believe that I've done twenty-five of these already. They grow up so fast don't they?
- If you're going to go to the trouble to drive an hour out of town just to take pictures (especially when gas prices are at an all time high) be sure to charge your batteries before you go. Even if you're sure they'll be fine. Or at least bring spares. Just in case.
- Newton's Laws of Motion seems to explain most cat behaviour. Or maybe that should be the other way around.
- There is a very fine line between being a realist and being a cynic.
- If you actually think you need a "life coach" to achieve your goals, make decisions, live your life the way you want, you are too stupid to actually deserve those things. If you really want to throw money away that badly you could at least be doing something useful like, oh I don't know, donating it to a fucking charity or the poor or to me. Jesus Christ on a cracker!
- There are few things more unattractive than being a fucking militant. About anything. Religion, politics, dietary choices, environmentalism, it doesn't matter. You're actually giving your cause a bad name and pushing people the other way. Here's a tip, do the research, get all the facts, put together an intelligent argument and present it at appropriate times in a calm, collected, rational manner. You'll get a lot more people listening and a fuck load more respect. Trust me.
- If you're going to go to the trouble to drive an hour out of town just to take pictures (especially when gas prices are at an all time high) be sure to charge your batteries before you go. Even if you're sure they'll be fine. Or at least bring spares. Just in case.
- Newton's Laws of Motion seems to explain most cat behaviour. Or maybe that should be the other way around.
- There is a very fine line between being a realist and being a cynic.
- If you actually think you need a "life coach" to achieve your goals, make decisions, live your life the way you want, you are too stupid to actually deserve those things. If you really want to throw money away that badly you could at least be doing something useful like, oh I don't know, donating it to a fucking charity or the poor or to me. Jesus Christ on a cracker!
- There are few things more unattractive than being a fucking militant. About anything. Religion, politics, dietary choices, environmentalism, it doesn't matter. You're actually giving your cause a bad name and pushing people the other way. Here's a tip, do the research, get all the facts, put together an intelligent argument and present it at appropriate times in a calm, collected, rational manner. You'll get a lot more people listening and a fuck load more respect. Trust me.
Friday, May 16, 2008
From Me To You 24
It's that time again, Kiddies. Gather 'round Auntie Gwenhwyfar for some more sage advice.
- You'll know that you've finally lost your grip on what was left of childhood when you start doing things that your parents used to have to fight with you to do, just because you feel like you should. It's a sad moment, mourn the loss. It's all down hill from here.
- When certain things never seem to work out no matter how hard you try, you eventually get to a point where you stop getting your hopes up. It doesn't matter how much they used to mean to you. It's hard to ignore the fact that they always end up sucking royally.
- Being busy as fuck sucks ass. Being too broke to pay bills and buy food sucks a lot more ass.
- If you could kindly refrain from answering my questions with questions, non-answers or your bullshit negativity you'd be saving us both a whole lot of time and frustration. Just answer the fucking question.
- You'll know that you've finally lost your grip on what was left of childhood when you start doing things that your parents used to have to fight with you to do, just because you feel like you should. It's a sad moment, mourn the loss. It's all down hill from here.
- When certain things never seem to work out no matter how hard you try, you eventually get to a point where you stop getting your hopes up. It doesn't matter how much they used to mean to you. It's hard to ignore the fact that they always end up sucking royally.
- Being busy as fuck sucks ass. Being too broke to pay bills and buy food sucks a lot more ass.
- If you could kindly refrain from answering my questions with questions, non-answers or your bullshit negativity you'd be saving us both a whole lot of time and frustration. Just answer the fucking question.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
From Me To You 24
- If you have been ignoring you neighbours for months and treating them like shit when you do interact with them, it's best not to assume that you can still come and borrow their shit. Especially if you just take it without asking. That's called stealing and if I catch you again I'll break your face. The same applies to your girlfriend.
- If your popularity is based on your looks alone, it's probably a bad idea to threaten anyone who is unpopular because of their looks with violence. A broken nose will affect you more than them. Trust me on this one.
- The only really good advice my mother ever gave me: Never throw the first punch but always throw the last.
- I shouldn't actually have to say this but COVER YOU FUCKING MOUTH YOU COUGH! Jesus Christ on crutches! I really don't need your nasty germs sprayed all over me and every surface within 20 feet of you.
- If your popularity is based on your looks alone, it's probably a bad idea to threaten anyone who is unpopular because of their looks with violence. A broken nose will affect you more than them. Trust me on this one.
- The only really good advice my mother ever gave me: Never throw the first punch but always throw the last.
- I shouldn't actually have to say this but COVER YOU FUCKING MOUTH YOU COUGH! Jesus Christ on crutches! I really don't need your nasty germs sprayed all over me and every surface within 20 feet of you.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
From Me To You 23
- Things that are certain to make me laugh at you: wiping your face with the bundle of cutlery wrapped in a napkin, flossing your teeth with the string from the tea bag, picking your teeth with the end of your straw and admitting to playing DDR by yourself at home (especially if it's the Mario version).
- If you're only getting one word answers from me and you have to actually say something to me first to get me to talk at all, I don't like you. In fact I don't even like you enough to waste my time explaining all of the things about you I find repellant. Believe me, if it gets to this point you should just stay the fuck away from me.
- If your girlfriend sounds like someone's mother, run. Run far and run fast. Just get the fuck away from that scary bitch.
- If you want to ask reference type questions, ask someone in reference. That's why they get the big bucks. And I'm certainly not getting enough to do their job for them.
- Acting snotty because you want me to do something differently will make me care even less about whatever it is that you're pissy about. You act like a civilized person and so will I. That's how it works.
- Repeat after me, pissing off my entire staff in order to save a few dollars is NOT worth it! The couple of dollars you'll save won't cover the loss of good people who know how to do their job.
- People work harder, for longer and do a better job when they can take pride in what they are doing and feel like they are accomplishing something. Trust me on this one. I know what I'm talking about.
- Me not liking you and me being angry at you are not always the same thing. Assuming otherwise is silliness which will make them the same thing very quickly.
- If you have to ask, I'm not mad at you.
- If you're only getting one word answers from me and you have to actually say something to me first to get me to talk at all, I don't like you. In fact I don't even like you enough to waste my time explaining all of the things about you I find repellant. Believe me, if it gets to this point you should just stay the fuck away from me.
- If your girlfriend sounds like someone's mother, run. Run far and run fast. Just get the fuck away from that scary bitch.
- If you want to ask reference type questions, ask someone in reference. That's why they get the big bucks. And I'm certainly not getting enough to do their job for them.
- Acting snotty because you want me to do something differently will make me care even less about whatever it is that you're pissy about. You act like a civilized person and so will I. That's how it works.
- Repeat after me, pissing off my entire staff in order to save a few dollars is NOT worth it! The couple of dollars you'll save won't cover the loss of good people who know how to do their job.
- People work harder, for longer and do a better job when they can take pride in what they are doing and feel like they are accomplishing something. Trust me on this one. I know what I'm talking about.
- Me not liking you and me being angry at you are not always the same thing. Assuming otherwise is silliness which will make them the same thing very quickly.
- If you have to ask, I'm not mad at you.
Monday, December 10, 2007
From Me To You 22
- Part of being a good waiter or waitress is know when to fuck off. Whether people are in the middle of a serious conversation or if you've started chatting with them like they're your buddy. Walk away my friend, walk away.
- I don't tip "because it's required", I tip because I get good service. And if I get bad service, you get nothing. See how that works? If you come to the table six fucking times in a row and my glass is still empty I will quench my thirst with your tip.
- Don't get fucking pissy with me when you don't get your tip. You know how the game works, you ungrateful fuck. I don't know what planet you come from where you get everything for nothing, but here on my planet we have to work for what we get.
- Restaurants should pay all of their staff a fair wage and stop expecting their customers to pick up the difference. The whole tipping system is bullshit. There are plenty of places in the world where no one tips and they haven't fallen into chaos yet.
- You know you've been working at the library for too long when you get halfway through putting away your DVDs before realising you've been filing them in perfect alphabetical order.
- You know you've been working at the library way too long when you have the overwhelming urge to correct the spelling and grammar in the bathroom graffiti.
- No radio station should ever be allowed to play 24hrs of Christmas music for the entire month of December.
- I don't tip "because it's required", I tip because I get good service. And if I get bad service, you get nothing. See how that works? If you come to the table six fucking times in a row and my glass is still empty I will quench my thirst with your tip.
- Don't get fucking pissy with me when you don't get your tip. You know how the game works, you ungrateful fuck. I don't know what planet you come from where you get everything for nothing, but here on my planet we have to work for what we get.
- Restaurants should pay all of their staff a fair wage and stop expecting their customers to pick up the difference. The whole tipping system is bullshit. There are plenty of places in the world where no one tips and they haven't fallen into chaos yet.
- You know you've been working at the library for too long when you get halfway through putting away your DVDs before realising you've been filing them in perfect alphabetical order.
- You know you've been working at the library way too long when you have the overwhelming urge to correct the spelling and grammar in the bathroom graffiti.
- No radio station should ever be allowed to play 24hrs of Christmas music for the entire month of December.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
From Me To You 21
- Christmas, in case you've forgotten, falls around the end of December. Setting up your tree before mid-December and taking down later than January makes you an asshole. Especially if you're one of those idiots who's putting up their christmas lights before Halloween and taking them down in May.
- I shouldn't be forced to listen to Christmas carols in every god damned store I go into from Nov. 15th until Jan. 15th. It's annoying the shit out of me, I know it's annoying the shit out of other people and I have to wonder how the employees make it though without killing any one.
- Not everyone celebrates Christmas. I just thought I'd point that out as people seem to have forgotten that not everyone in the whole fucking world is Christian.
- If you take the time to sit down and write a form letter about how wonderful and perfect your family is, how much money you make and how great your life is, then send it off to relatives you haven't seen in years - chances are they think you're a douche bag. They have probably also come up with a scornful title for you letters. And I can almost guarantee that they make fun of you, your offspring, your life and your stupid letter mercilessly.
- No one thinks your spawn is cute. We all just want you to shut that screaming shit machine up. Don't go getting all high and mighty with me either. Everyone around you has rights too and that thing is a fucking noise violation.
- Maybe if you spent more time working on disciplining your kids and less time telling them that they special and perfect and everyone will love them just for being themselves, they wouldn't be such a bunch of ill-mannered, demanding, spoiled, assholes.
- The 100 mile diet works real well in places that produce a wide variety of foods, year round. In some places, everything is frozen solid for more than half the year, never produce any real amount of fruit and are no where near a lot of the foods people need to maintain anything resembling a balanced diet.
- I shouldn't be forced to listen to Christmas carols in every god damned store I go into from Nov. 15th until Jan. 15th. It's annoying the shit out of me, I know it's annoying the shit out of other people and I have to wonder how the employees make it though without killing any one.
- Not everyone celebrates Christmas. I just thought I'd point that out as people seem to have forgotten that not everyone in the whole fucking world is Christian.
- If you take the time to sit down and write a form letter about how wonderful and perfect your family is, how much money you make and how great your life is, then send it off to relatives you haven't seen in years - chances are they think you're a douche bag. They have probably also come up with a scornful title for you letters. And I can almost guarantee that they make fun of you, your offspring, your life and your stupid letter mercilessly.
- No one thinks your spawn is cute. We all just want you to shut that screaming shit machine up. Don't go getting all high and mighty with me either. Everyone around you has rights too and that thing is a fucking noise violation.
- Maybe if you spent more time working on disciplining your kids and less time telling them that they special and perfect and everyone will love them just for being themselves, they wouldn't be such a bunch of ill-mannered, demanding, spoiled, assholes.
- The 100 mile diet works real well in places that produce a wide variety of foods, year round. In some places, everything is frozen solid for more than half the year, never produce any real amount of fruit and are no where near a lot of the foods people need to maintain anything resembling a balanced diet.
Friday, October 19, 2007
From Me To You 20
- For the love of God and all things holy, if you're going to turn into traffic at the last possible goddamned second, could you at least step on it!? I shouldn't have to hit my brakes rather than your rear end because you decided to take your fucking time with that turn.
- As funny as it may look when someone falls, laughing when someone is actually hurt makes you an asshole. A realy big asshole.
- When I say no to something once chances are I mean no. Asking me a second time, a third time, a fiftieth time isn't going to change my answer. I said no, damnit.
- If you insist on bringing your screaming, snot-nosed little shit machines out in public could you at least pretend to be a parent for five seconds? That little bastard is actually scaling the shelving unit. Maybe you could do something about that. Hmm?
- If you're going to prove to the world that we should instate sterilization programs with your novel approach to parenting, do you think you could spare us all your bitching when your spawn hurt themselves doing something stupid? As much as you'd like to believe otherwise, it's not my fault that you were to busy trying to sound out the big words on the back of Big Momma's House 2 to notice that it was playing on the escalator.
- If your geriatric feebleness is keeping you from pressing down on your accellerator enough to reach the speed limit, may I suggest you take a cab. The same applies if you've shrunk below the steering wheel or cannot see where the lines on the road are.
- As funny as it may look when someone falls, laughing when someone is actually hurt makes you an asshole. A realy big asshole.
- When I say no to something once chances are I mean no. Asking me a second time, a third time, a fiftieth time isn't going to change my answer. I said no, damnit.
- If you insist on bringing your screaming, snot-nosed little shit machines out in public could you at least pretend to be a parent for five seconds? That little bastard is actually scaling the shelving unit. Maybe you could do something about that. Hmm?
- If you're going to prove to the world that we should instate sterilization programs with your novel approach to parenting, do you think you could spare us all your bitching when your spawn hurt themselves doing something stupid? As much as you'd like to believe otherwise, it's not my fault that you were to busy trying to sound out the big words on the back of Big Momma's House 2 to notice that it was playing on the escalator.
- If your geriatric feebleness is keeping you from pressing down on your accellerator enough to reach the speed limit, may I suggest you take a cab. The same applies if you've shrunk below the steering wheel or cannot see where the lines on the road are.
Friday, June 01, 2007
From Me To You 19
Man, it's been ages since I've done one of these.
- I'm tired, sick, PSM-y and it's raining. Avoid eye contact and sudden movements. I'm grumpy. Really, really grumpy.
- It's June. Take down the fucking christmas decorations already.
- If you come in to the library every single day, no matter what, the staff probably have a nickname for you. And it's probably not very flattering. (I can't vouch for anywhere else, but chances are good that if you're a regular anywhere this applies.)
- For the last fucking time, having headphones on doesn't mean that you need to yell. We can all hear you just fine. Lower your damned voice or take off the headphones before talking.
- I don't care how you behave in your own house, when you're out in public could you attemp to act human? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
- I'm tired, sick, PSM-y and it's raining. Avoid eye contact and sudden movements. I'm grumpy. Really, really grumpy.
- It's June. Take down the fucking christmas decorations already.
- If you come in to the library every single day, no matter what, the staff probably have a nickname for you. And it's probably not very flattering. (I can't vouch for anywhere else, but chances are good that if you're a regular anywhere this applies.)
- For the last fucking time, having headphones on doesn't mean that you need to yell. We can all hear you just fine. Lower your damned voice or take off the headphones before talking.
- I don't care how you behave in your own house, when you're out in public could you attemp to act human? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Friday, February 23, 2007
From Me To You 18
Here we go again...
- Hate me, love me, I don't care. But could you pick one and go with it? This jumping back and forth shit is getting real old, real fast. Stop acting like fucking Cybil, you're just pissing everyone off.
- I know that I get mad and yell at my cats when they misbehave. That does not, ever, make it okay for you to do so. EVER. It's kind of like yelling at someone else's kids. You just don't do it. Or trust me, you will be entering a whole new world of pain when I get my hands on you. Understood?
- If you're headed for the check-out at the drugstore at the same time as a lady holding tampons, midol and chocolate - just let her go ahead of you man. Seriously, it's not worth it.
- Don't ask for advice you don't want and then bitch about it. Fuck you, asshole. You asked, I answered. You don't like it? Too fucking bad. Do I seem like the kind of person who sugar-coats things?
- Tendonitis sucks. A lot. Trust me.
- Hate me, love me, I don't care. But could you pick one and go with it? This jumping back and forth shit is getting real old, real fast. Stop acting like fucking Cybil, you're just pissing everyone off.
- I know that I get mad and yell at my cats when they misbehave. That does not, ever, make it okay for you to do so. EVER. It's kind of like yelling at someone else's kids. You just don't do it. Or trust me, you will be entering a whole new world of pain when I get my hands on you. Understood?
- If you're headed for the check-out at the drugstore at the same time as a lady holding tampons, midol and chocolate - just let her go ahead of you man. Seriously, it's not worth it.
- Don't ask for advice you don't want and then bitch about it. Fuck you, asshole. You asked, I answered. You don't like it? Too fucking bad. Do I seem like the kind of person who sugar-coats things?
- Tendonitis sucks. A lot. Trust me.
Monday, December 18, 2006
From Me To You 17
Man, it's been ages since I've done one of these.
- I know it seems like a good idea, but trust me, making the most paranoid, insane worry wart the OH&S rep is a bad idea. A really bad idea.
- When someone tells you they don't like Christmas, that's not the cue to play 50 questions to discover the reasons behind it.
- When someone tells you they don't like Christmas, don't then start trying to convert them/annoy them by constantly talking about how great christmas is and singing christmas songs. That is the best way to get your ass kicked by a grinch.
- If you're watching a nerdy type program, let's say Babylon 5, and then get excited because one of the guest stars is someone so obscure you have to explain who he is to everyone in the room, let's say Paul Williams, you are a nerd. A really big nerd.
- If you're watching Gargoyles and you can pick out 2 or more cast members who are also Star Trek: TNG cast members and Bill Fagerbakke, you are also a nerd. Especially if you know who Bill Fagerbakke is.
- If you can pick out Frank Welker based only on his animal noises, you have entirely too much time on your hands. This is even worse if you can pick out Maurice LaMarche based only on his belching.
- Pinched nerves suck. A lot. Try to avoid them.
- When a three year old points something out in that horribly blunt kind of way, it's cute. When anyone else does it, not so much.
- I know it seems like a good idea, but trust me, making the most paranoid, insane worry wart the OH&S rep is a bad idea. A really bad idea.
- When someone tells you they don't like Christmas, that's not the cue to play 50 questions to discover the reasons behind it.
- When someone tells you they don't like Christmas, don't then start trying to convert them/annoy them by constantly talking about how great christmas is and singing christmas songs. That is the best way to get your ass kicked by a grinch.
- If you're watching a nerdy type program, let's say Babylon 5, and then get excited because one of the guest stars is someone so obscure you have to explain who he is to everyone in the room, let's say Paul Williams, you are a nerd. A really big nerd.
- If you're watching Gargoyles and you can pick out 2 or more cast members who are also Star Trek: TNG cast members and Bill Fagerbakke, you are also a nerd. Especially if you know who Bill Fagerbakke is.
- If you can pick out Frank Welker based only on his animal noises, you have entirely too much time on your hands. This is even worse if you can pick out Maurice LaMarche based only on his belching.
- Pinched nerves suck. A lot. Try to avoid them.
- When a three year old points something out in that horribly blunt kind of way, it's cute. When anyone else does it, not so much.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
From Me To You 16
I haven't done one of these in a while and I wouldn't want you all to think I don't care about your well being, so here we go.
- Never, and I can't stress this enough, NEVER do any kind of custom work without getting money first. Regardless of who it's for. Especially for musicians. Even more so for metal guys. Trust me.
- Offering last minute invites to people is just insulting. Don't bother, most people would rather be mad at you than feel like you pity them.
- Making fun of someone who is well within eye stabbing range and is holding something with which they may stab, is a really, really bad idea.
- If you're doing something embarrassing in a place where you might get caught, chances are you'll get caught.
- People can see you in your car. Trust me. Singing along with the radio animatedly, picking your nose and any of the other ridiculous things you think no one can see are clearly visible through the car windows. You look like an ass by the way.
- Never, and I can't stress this enough, NEVER do any kind of custom work without getting money first. Regardless of who it's for. Especially for musicians. Even more so for metal guys. Trust me.
- Offering last minute invites to people is just insulting. Don't bother, most people would rather be mad at you than feel like you pity them.
- Making fun of someone who is well within eye stabbing range and is holding something with which they may stab, is a really, really bad idea.
- If you're doing something embarrassing in a place where you might get caught, chances are you'll get caught.
- People can see you in your car. Trust me. Singing along with the radio animatedly, picking your nose and any of the other ridiculous things you think no one can see are clearly visible through the car windows. You look like an ass by the way.
Monday, August 14, 2006
From me to you 15
Just a short one this time.
- Beer and clam is not a Caesar. Seriously, you shmuck.
- Getting make-up tattooed on, just for the hell of it, is a shitty, shitty idea.
- Beer and maple fudge does not go together, ever, trust me.
- A one piece denim outfit should be considered a crime against humanity, along with the speedo and stirrup pants.
- Beer and clam is not a Caesar. Seriously, you shmuck.
- Getting make-up tattooed on, just for the hell of it, is a shitty, shitty idea.
- Beer and maple fudge does not go together, ever, trust me.
- A one piece denim outfit should be considered a crime against humanity, along with the speedo and stirrup pants.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
From me to you 14
Just a short one this time folks, though every point is an important one.
- You're not really speaking ill of someone until you've wished herpes on their face and called them names that you'll never find in the dictionary.
- Jelly Beans are not a meal replacement
- If it looks like a crazy guy, talks like a crazy guy, chances are it's gonna smell like a crazy guy.
- All your base are belong to us.
- You're not really speaking ill of someone until you've wished herpes on their face and called them names that you'll never find in the dictionary.
- Jelly Beans are not a meal replacement
- If it looks like a crazy guy, talks like a crazy guy, chances are it's gonna smell like a crazy guy.
- All your base are belong to us.
Monday, July 03, 2006
From me to you 13
Yeah, yeah, I know. I haven't posted in a while. So sue me. I do have a life away from my computer, contrary to popular belief.
Anyway, on to lucky #13...
- If you work at a computer help desk, telling people you've never seen a Mac in your life doesn't instill a lot of confidence. I'm also left wondering how it could be possible that you've NEVER seen a Mac in your entire life. What rock did you crawl out from under exactly? And it's nice to know that they've made sure to outfit the undersides of rocks with PCs but haven't gotten around to mentioning Macs. Dipshit.
- If you're grumpy because you're tired, go take a fucking nap and get the hell away from me. I don't need an excuse, I'm always like this.
- Don't ask me not to park in front of your house and then park in front of mine, asshole.
- Putting a fan at the end of your bed may not be such a good idea. It just ends up blowing farts back in your face, which may almost be worse than a Dutch oven.
- You're not allowed to laugh and then be disgusted. It's too late, you already laughed.
Anyway, on to lucky #13...
- If you work at a computer help desk, telling people you've never seen a Mac in your life doesn't instill a lot of confidence. I'm also left wondering how it could be possible that you've NEVER seen a Mac in your entire life. What rock did you crawl out from under exactly? And it's nice to know that they've made sure to outfit the undersides of rocks with PCs but haven't gotten around to mentioning Macs. Dipshit.
- If you're grumpy because you're tired, go take a fucking nap and get the hell away from me. I don't need an excuse, I'm always like this.
- Don't ask me not to park in front of your house and then park in front of mine, asshole.
- Putting a fan at the end of your bed may not be such a good idea. It just ends up blowing farts back in your face, which may almost be worse than a Dutch oven.
- You're not allowed to laugh and then be disgusted. It's too late, you already laughed.
Monday, June 05, 2006
From me to you 12
Haven't done one of these in some time, so here's another installment for the masses.
- Humid bathroom + cloth drapes = moldy drapes. Ew. (Just trust me on this one)
- If you produce a program that needs to be registered over the phone, maybe make sure that the activation section is opperational once and a while. Like lets say one of those days within the 15 day time limit given.
- Don't complain about my pets. They live here, you don't. I love them and you're replaceable. Understand?
- Cream foundation is meant for news anchors and television actors, not for street wear. If you're applying make-up like fucking spackle, you're doing it wrong.
- Your foundation should be the same colour as your skin. Colour match at your jaw line, not your fucking hair line. People with "clown face" should be smacked by everyone who has to look at that shit.
- Humid bathroom + cloth drapes = moldy drapes. Ew. (Just trust me on this one)
- If you produce a program that needs to be registered over the phone, maybe make sure that the activation section is opperational once and a while. Like lets say one of those days within the 15 day time limit given.
- Don't complain about my pets. They live here, you don't. I love them and you're replaceable. Understand?
- Cream foundation is meant for news anchors and television actors, not for street wear. If you're applying make-up like fucking spackle, you're doing it wrong.
- Your foundation should be the same colour as your skin. Colour match at your jaw line, not your fucking hair line. People with "clown face" should be smacked by everyone who has to look at that shit.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
From me to you 11
If you're afraid of something, rational or not, and someone tells you you're being stupid or that "it's not that bad" - Punch them. Do it for me. Crack them right in the face. They obviously aren't afraid of anything and have no idea what it's like to be in the midst of a panic attack. These people aren't human and should be dealt with harshly.
If your kid is screaming at top volume for more that 3 or 4 minutes, in public maybe it's time go. Babies can't tell you how tired of shopping they are, so they scream and yet somehow this seems to escape a lot of parents. Trust me, I caught the message. About an hour and a half ago. There is nothing you need so badly as to be tourturing your kid and every person in the store.
You offically know someone too well when you find yourself in the bathroom helping them Nair their back.
Hospitals suck. A lot.
If your kid is screaming at top volume for more that 3 or 4 minutes, in public maybe it's time go. Babies can't tell you how tired of shopping they are, so they scream and yet somehow this seems to escape a lot of parents. Trust me, I caught the message. About an hour and a half ago. There is nothing you need so badly as to be tourturing your kid and every person in the store.
You offically know someone too well when you find yourself in the bathroom helping them Nair their back.
Hospitals suck. A lot.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
From me to you 10
If you leave vegetables in the crisper for long enough, even the crisper won't be able to keep them crispy. In fact, if you leave them there long enough they'll turn into liquid. I don't mean the "Juice Tiger", Jack Lalanne, good for you, wow this is delicious, kind of liquid either. I mean the Oh my God, what the hell was that, where are the guys in the Haz-Mat suits, kind of liquid.
-53 with the wind chill is fucking cold, but if you live in Canada they still won't cancel work or school. They'll tell you to dress real warm and not to lick any frozen metal.
Frozen metal will rip off layers of skin.
-53 with the wind chill is fucking cold, but if you live in Canada they still won't cancel work or school. They'll tell you to dress real warm and not to lick any frozen metal.
Frozen metal will rip off layers of skin.
Monday, February 13, 2006
From me to you 9
I've caught some god awful illness from somewhere, so I've been sick for the last couple of days. It's made me grumpy, among other things. (Who am I trying to kid? I don't need an excuse to be grumpy.) I've also been reminded of a few things I could have done without, really. For instance:
And in conclusion...
Day time television sucks. It sucks a lot. It sucks enough to make me wish I wasn't sick so I could go to work.
Who are the mental midgets putting together this line up? A better question really is who are the mental midgets watching this shit?
They can't possibly all be people home sick from work, who are to sick to care much what's on TV as they lay in a NyQuil induced coma, surrounded by a box worth of crusty used tissue and drooling while Montel hands the mic over to yet another woman who thinks "you need to drop that zero and get yourself a hero", while Sally sends yet another group of juvenile delinquents (who would make damned good poster children for Pro-Choice) to boot camp with Maj. Asshole, while (God help us) Maury reads out the results of yet another paternity test as the nation waits in suspense to find out if Billy-Joe is really little Bubba's father.
Even if you manage to shake the green haze long enough to change the channel you end up caught in the seventh circle of hell that is the "Soap Opera". A creation so foul it was surely birthed from the loins of the devil himself, raised on a diet of painfully bad acting, incomprehensible plots, and the flakiest scripts known to man, then spat forth from the very bowels of hell to inflict torture on innocent viewers everywhere.
So long story short - I've spent most of this sick time reading.
And in conclusion...
I can't tell you how much I'd like to strangle the life out of all these goddamned wastes of skin who fill the internet with their goddamned chat slang. Write out the word you asshole.
How much time do you think you're saving by typing "newayz" instead of just writing "anyway"? Is it really that taxing on your peabrain to write out "people" that you need to shorten it to "ppl"? How hard is it to type out Christina or Christians that you needed to shorten it to "Xtina" and "Xtians"?
You don't look cute or cool, you look like an illiterate douche bag.
English is being destroyed by morons.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
From me to you 8
Will there ever be an end to the things that piss me off? Not bloody likely.
Here's the thing people, I know not everyone knows how to drive a standard, so maybe you're not aware - on an incline standards roll. Sometimes not much, but a little bit at least. Stopping three inches behind me on an incline is asking for trouble. Hit the brakes two seconds earlier and get the hell off my ass.
Breaking plans because something better came along tends to make people feel like shit and piss them off. No one likes being a back-up plan.
Making out and slobbering all over each other like a couple of drunk and horny teenagers is only marginally acceptable when you are, in fact, a drunk and horny teenager. When you're an adult in a "mature" relationship, it's just gross, creepy and unacceptable. Get a fucking room and grow the fuck up.
Unless you are a really close friend or a family member that I like, are upset or need comforting or are in a relationship with me, hugs should never last longer than about ten seconds. And that's a ten second MAX, which means for most casual hugs ten seconds it too long, aim for about a two to three second hug. If you're not a friend, don't hug me unless it's absolutely necessary, actually you should probably ask permission before touching me. And lastly, if I don't know you, don't touch me. No touchy, got it? Especially if you're a carny.
Here's the thing people, I know not everyone knows how to drive a standard, so maybe you're not aware - on an incline standards roll. Sometimes not much, but a little bit at least. Stopping three inches behind me on an incline is asking for trouble. Hit the brakes two seconds earlier and get the hell off my ass.
Breaking plans because something better came along tends to make people feel like shit and piss them off. No one likes being a back-up plan.
Making out and slobbering all over each other like a couple of drunk and horny teenagers is only marginally acceptable when you are, in fact, a drunk and horny teenager. When you're an adult in a "mature" relationship, it's just gross, creepy and unacceptable. Get a fucking room and grow the fuck up.
Unless you are a really close friend or a family member that I like, are upset or need comforting or are in a relationship with me, hugs should never last longer than about ten seconds. And that's a ten second MAX, which means for most casual hugs ten seconds it too long, aim for about a two to three second hug. If you're not a friend, don't hug me unless it's absolutely necessary, actually you should probably ask permission before touching me. And lastly, if I don't know you, don't touch me. No touchy, got it? Especially if you're a carny.
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