5 Simple Rules For Surviving The Movie Theatre

As much as I was disappointed in the movie last night, I was ready to strangle several people in the audience. Here are a few simple rules for all of you to remember the next time you go to the theatre. They'll make everyone's experience much more pleasant and it will keep me from killing you in a brutal and bloody fashion while the rest of the people cheer me on for doing what they all wanted to do.

1. G rated, animated, kids movies are for kids. Anything PG13 or over is for adults. That means if I go to see an action flick with guns and killing and explosions and helicopter crashes, I shouldn't have to listen to your fucking baby screeching through the entire fucking film. If your kid isn't old enough to behave itself through an entire movie I suggest you start waiting until movies come out on DVD or invest in a fucking babysitter.

2. I actually like to watch the previews but I understand not everyone does so I'll put up with you talking through them. That being said, if you think that it's acceptable to sit and chat with the person next to you, you're going to end up in a lot of pain. That sharp pain in your head will probably be from my foot connecting with it repeatedly until you shut the fuck up.

3. I'm also one of those people who likes to watch the credits. Again, I know not everyone does and that is fine, leave. But either leave or sit the fuck down. If you stand up in front of me and stay there for any length of time I will quickly run out of the will power to not shove you over the seats.

4. Believe me when I say that you are capable of going two hours without looking at, answering or playing with your phone. Turn it off, dipshit. Even if you're not on the phone, taking the fucking thing out and lighting up half the theatre just to assure yourself that it hasn't run away is fucking distracting. If you feel like you're not capable of this, I'll happily shove that fucking thing up your ass to save you having to worry about it.

5. I know you think you're a cinematic genius and I'm sure that your opinion is really interesting but unless your name is Crow, Tom Servo, Mike Nelson or Joel Robinson there is no way in hell I should be listening to your running commentary on every fucking second of the movie. 

X-men Origins: What The Fuck?

I wasn't sure I was going to see it, to be perfectly honest. That alone should say something about this movie. I love the X-men, I've read the comics, I've watched the show, hell, I have some of the trader cards and I was still strongly considering giving it a miss. But my brother saw it and reported back that it was "watchable". So last night we went.

Where to start?

The good news is that, for the most part, the casting was pretty damned good. 

I know lots of people have complained that Hugh Jackman isn't the best choice for Wolverine, but he's established himself as the clawed one now, so can we move on? 

Liev Schreiber actually did a much better job than I was expecting. As far as being someone who could become Sabretooth, he really did a good job. 

Ryan Reynolds was, well, Ryan Reynolds. Actually I'm pretty sure that's just how the guy is. 

Really, my only serious complaint in casting was Gambit. Taylor Kitsch was bloody awful. Gambit is and has always been the ragin' cajun and this guy couldn't even hold down a decent accent. Instead it came in annoying burst along with his ridiculous acrobatics and awful hair. 

Unfortunately the movie itself is full of some serious fuck-ups regarding characters and their backgrounds. Any half wit with internet access can check these things online after searching for about 20 seconds so how this got past the writers is beyond me.

But the biggest problem with this movie is the effects. They're not just bad, they're laughably bad. When Logan in standing in the bathroom testing out his new metal claws I actually started cracking up. They could have looked more cartoony if I had been watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Emma Frost's skin, for the record, is diamond hard NOT covered in tiny diamonds. It looked like some amateur job from Worth1000. And Patrick Stewart's brief cameo... I actually had to look again just to see if it was actually him. What the fuck did they do to his face!?

The most painful thing about the movie is that, essentially, it is a watchable movie. It's not great, but it's passable. But the shitty effects make the whole thing shlocky and awful at worst and laughable at best. In the credits they list about half a dozen effects companies and all I could think was "all those people and not a one could pull of a decent effect to save their lives".

This movie was so painfully lackluster that I can't even work myself in to a decent rant.

On the upside - I saw it on a Tues. so it only cost me $5.

Monday, Bloody Monday

So I'm home sick today. Am I sick? Technically no. So why am I home?

This morning I woke up at 5.30am and about five minutes later I got a nose bleed. This wouldn't seem like a reason to stay home but let me assure you, after 45 minutes, a call to the health line, a whole box of kleenex, half a roll of toilet paper and having to decide wether or not to go to the hospital it most certainly is. 

I'm also going to take this opportunity to share a few other things I learned this morning. 

- When your nose gushes blood for 45 minutes it tends to get a little troubling. 

- The health line is unbelievably busy at 6am.

- Even while potentially bleeding to death, I'll still insist that I don't really need to go to the hospital.

- Losing a lot of blood at 6am will leave you weak, dizzy, light headed and with a serious headache.

- Blood thinners will actually thin your blood. It's not just something they made up. Thinned blood does not clot as well as one might hope.

- If your nose is bleeding enough, chances are good that a fair portion of the blood will run down your throat. This is likely to make you gag.

- Swallowing too much blood will probably make you nauseous. 

- If your nose is bleeding enough for you to be spitting blood, there is a problem.

So now you know and you can skip trying this yourself.

That's right, Kill the Body, doing stupid things and hurting ourselves to educate you - the unwashed masses.

Star Trek: The Review

I had to write it some time. Come on, you knew it was coming, didn't you? I just had to wait a while and let it all sink in. Today I saw it for a second time, collected my thoughts and here I am.

Here's the short version - It was mind-blowingly awesome. If I ever get the chance to meet J.J. Abrams, I just might kiss him. I loved this movie from start to finish.

And now, in traditional Kill the Body style, here's the long version (you know this was coming too, right?).

From the day that the movie was announced I've been waiting. Patiently (well, patiently for me anyway). The closer the release date got, the more anxious I got. The night it opened, I was there before anyone, ticket in hand. Obsessive? Yeah, I am. 

My expectations were high, really high. I'd kept myself from as much information as I could (aside from the previews which I'd watched dozens of times) because I didn't want to form any opinions before the opening credits even rolled. I'd heard some people complain about some casting choices, but beyond that I knew almost nothing. I even managed to keep myself from rushing to IMDB and checking everything out.

I'm glad I did. It meant I got to be surprised a few times (very happily surprised) which was amazing.

I could go in to every single detail (believe me, I could, really) but I won't. It would take me the better part of the next year to cover it all. The casting was amazing (aside from a brief appearance by Winona Ryder - honestly one of only two minor complaints I had). Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto were perfect. Simon Pegg was so awesome as Scotty it hurt. Karl Urban picked up the classic Bones paranoia, sarcasm and attitude like a natural. And Nimoy... Oh Nimoy, I can't even begin to say how much I love that man. I quite literally giggled like a schoolgirl. 

Aside from the cast, the movie was visually astonishing. There isn't a single moment in the film that wasn't breathtaking in it's style and detail. My only note on any of the visuals is that I wish I could have seen so much more of Vulcan. 

This movie should be taken from the point on as a lesson on how to make a successful prequel (there are too many examples of how not to do it). Star Trek is something I know, it's like an old friend, I've seen them all so many times there isn't much that I've missed. I know the characters stories, I know the history, I know the stories and if you can take all that in to account and still manage to surprise me, show me new things and keep me happy all at once you, my friend, have really gone where no one has gone before. I've seen the Enterprise and every version of it (hell, I own a scale model of the thing - I see it every single day) and when the shuttle flew past the newly completed NCC-1701 I saw something I know well and it felt like it was the very first time I'd ever laid eyes on it. That is how you can tell you've done something right.

I knew walking in to the film that the margin for error was huge and my expectations were so high that the chances that I would walk away horribly disappointed were too great. I worried that it wouldn't just fall short of what I hoped but that it would be an incredible flop that would leave me speechless in frustration. But even with all that, it still managed to exceed my expectations. A feat which has never been achieved before.

Finally, and most importantly of all, today when I saw it I saw it with my brother. My brother is so not a trekkie. In fact, I've been teased more than once for my trekkieness. But he wanted to see it. When we left I looked to him for an opinion (of which he has many, the unfavourable ones being loudest). He thought it was great.

He has seen maybe a handful of TNG and even less TOS. He knows little to nothing of the show. Despite all that, he understood it all AND he liked it. A lot.

Yes, I know this post makes me even more of a nerd than you already thought I was. Sorry, it had to come out sooner or later. 

This Probably Says Too Much About Me...

I have yet to see even a single episode of Heroes. I know, I should watch it, that's what I keep hearing. But I haven't. So before the cast of the new Star Trek was announced, I had absolutely no idea who Zachary Quinto was. When I heard some people were upset over the choice, I couldn't imagine why (actually, I still can't figure it out). And I was even more confused after I saw the movie. 

I thought he was wonderful. I have always loved Spock and Nimoy was one of two very big reasons I watch Star Trek. (The other is Bones. No, it's not Kirk. He was always my least favourite.) So the fact that he managed to play a character I know well and love and still make me very happy speaks volumes for him.

Now all that being said, I'll also point out, I don't think I'd ever really seen Zachary Quinto before the whole Spock thing. 

Here he is! Yay Spock!

Now here's my question - Am I the only one who prefers him as Spock? I dunno... maybe it's the ears, but I'm liking this look, a lot.

Random Crap

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Stress is kind of eating up most of my free time and turning me in to a moody freakfest. So here's some random crap because I can't think of anything big enough to write about right now.

- Palmolive apple dish soap smells so good I almost want to eat it. I might actually have to buy some just because I'm almost out of dish soap and I need incentives to do the dishes.

- You ever know someone who likes to put you down and make fun of everything you say and generally treat you like shit? You ever have one of those people AND they're part of your group of friends? You ever have to decide if you should remove yourself from fun shit because this person is actually bothering you to the point where you're more interested in getting away from them than you are about hanging out with your friends? Yeah, it sucks.

- Apparently my credit is good which is a giant weight off my shoulders. Seriously, it's one of those things that was keeping me up nights. So I can scratch one thing off my list of shit to panic about.

- It snowed this morning. Check the date and let me say that again - It. Snowed. This. Morning. Fuuuuuuck. Oh and the wind was blowing hard enough that the snow wasn't falling down, it was falling across.

- After months of ignoring the new toilet paper stand, my cat has suddenly decided it's the best toy in the house. I came home yesterday to discover the the toilet paper roll had exploded all over the bathroom. *sigh*

It's The First Of May

And it's important for us all to remember to celebrate. And we all know there's only one way to celebrate such a wonderful day.

"Rap Chop" featuring Vince

I think if more infomercials were like this I would own way more cheap shit I bought late at night from 1-800 numbers.