It Matches The Decor Perfectly!

My Grandparents gave me money for my birthday, which is just fine with me. It saves them shopping and I get exactly what I always wanted. Everyone wins! Except for one thing. My grandparents must keep in mind that when someone gives me money and instructions to buy something "fun" and to "get what I really want", that is exactly what I will do. And it won't necessarily be what you would have picked out for me.
So here's what I got for myself (I hung it up as soon as I got home).



Man, I fucking LOVE the antique mall!

And Now, A Public Service Announcement

Heads Up, Bitches!

Tomorrow is my birthday... just in case you hadn't worked that one out yet.
Get me something nice.

Because I Don't Have Enough On My Plate Already

I can't really remember how it came up in the first place, but I do remember what triggered the idea. I was watching an episode of Fraiser (yes, I watch Fraiser) and they were doing an old timey radio show, murder mystery thing. Of course in the show wackiness and highjinks ensue but it got me thinking, it would be a whole lot of fun to make an online radio murder mystery thing.
Then, somehow, the idea merged with Mr. Fab's Big Honking Duet Show idea and I started thinking that it would be seriously fun if I could talk bloggers in to participating. Everyone could record their part on their own, they could all be put together, sound effects and music added and it could all be played on something like Blog Talk Radio.
The only real big problems would be finding people willing to participate on a regular basis and of course, finding scripts. Although, in a community of bloggers who all spend enough time writing, you'd think we could all come up with a few old-timey murder mysteries.
I dunno. Good idea? Bad idea? What do you think?

But They'd Be In For One Hell Of A Fight

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Heads Up, Bitches!

Just FYI, you now have ONE WEEK to find me something fabulous for my birthday.
That is all.

What, Was There A Rift In The Space-Time Continuum?

How hard is it to be on time? I mean really, how fucking hard is it? I don't think I've developed a fucking stutter in the last week so when I said I had someone coming over at 1pm and I had to be at work at 4pm was I unclear? Did I start speaking in tongues without realizing it? Because somehow you managed to make me late TWICE!
I know it's not your schedule, I know you didn't have to be anywhere, but I fucking HATE being late. I hate being late even more than I hate when other people are late. And both of those pale in comparison to just how much I fucking hate it when someone makes me late.
I should also mention just how much I want to punch you in the fucking throat when you show up late and then tell me to relax because "we have lots of time". No. No we don't. We actually have the opposite of "lots of time" because you're fucking late. So late in fact that I had to call work and explain that I was going to be late because your stupid ass can't seem to figure this shit out.

From Me To You 24

It's that time again, Kiddies. Gather 'round Auntie Gwenhwyfar for some more sage advice.

- You'll know that you've finally lost your grip on what was left of childhood when you start doing things that your parents used to have to fight with you to do, just because you feel like you should. It's a sad moment, mourn the loss. It's all down hill from here.

- When certain things never seem to work out no matter how hard you try, you eventually get to a point where you stop getting your hopes up. It doesn't matter how much they used to mean to you. It's hard to ignore the fact that they always end up sucking royally.

- Being busy as fuck sucks ass. Being too broke to pay bills and buy food sucks a lot more ass.

- If you could kindly refrain from answering my questions with questions, non-answers or your bullshit negativity you'd be saving us both a whole lot of time and frustration. Just answer the fucking question.

Happy Birthday Wilf!

Hope it was a good one, you big jerk!

Happy Mom's Day

For anyone interested, that would be me, my mom, my grandma and my great-grandma. (And yes, I was fucking adorable.)

That Old Gag?

I'm starting to think that Hollywood really need to institute rules and regulations regarding gratuitous gag usage. For every tired old gag writers drag out there should be heavy fines. I have a feeling that this would seriously improve a lot of shows and movies and force people to be just a little more creative. (Though it might have a side effect of creating a cycle of gags. Because, of course, if a tired old gag is unused long enough one could reasonably argue that upon reviving it that the fines should be less.)All of the fines could then be given to charity or something.
Here's what I'm thinking:

1) Pie in the face
1a) Pie with filling (ie. Apple, blueberry, etc.) - $500 per pie
1b) Cream pie (Whipped cream, banana cream, meringue or other wise) - $1000 per pie

2) Boss is coming to dinner, hijinx ensue - $2000
2a) Plot stolen directly from "I Love Lucy" - $5000

3) Trying to get rid of an old boyfriend/girlfriend by pretending one of your friends is your husband/wife - $3000
3a) Realizing that the old boyfriend/girlfriend has actually made something of himself/herself/become stinking rich/a supermodel and trying to weasel out of the lie - $4000

4) Character tries to quit smoking by using carrot sticks, complains that he/she can't get them to light - $3000

5) Character doesn't correct mistaken identity right away, hijinx ensue - $3000
5a) Job/sale/relationship riding on the outcome of the situation - $3500

6) Woman walks in at inopportune moment in Man's conversation, blows up without allowing any kind of explanation - $5000

7) Two dates, one restaurant, hijinx ensue - $6000

8) Stereotypical Irish cop - $3000
8a) His name is Paddy/last name begins with O' - $4000

9) Aliens trying to pass themselves off as human
9a) Movie - $50,000
9b) TV series - $1,000,000

10)Mexican servant - $10,000
10a) Over the top accent for comical effect - $20,000

I know there must be more. Any suggestions?

Look, Cute Food Pricks...

Um... these are for kids. You're mean to spear your food with them. And then suck your food off them. Just thought I'd point that out.

Heads Up, Bitches!

You now have 28 days to get my birthday present.

It's Overcast And I'm Sleepy

So all you get is a meme.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
What closet doors? I took them off so I could fit my computer desk in there.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
I can't even remember the last time I stayed in a hotel.

3. Have you ever ‘done it’ in a hotel room?
I honestly have trouble just sleeping in those nasty beds.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
No, sir. I have stolen a sign out of a bus though.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
I write passive-aggressive notes to myself.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I'm saving that for when I hit 65. I already knit, crochet and play Mah Jong. I can't use up everything already.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
I'd take the bear as long as I can have the old school Star Trek fight music playing.

8. Do you have freckles?
No, I have stripes.

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
I don't even stand still for pictures.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Being asked about my pet peeves.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
sheets?

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No, I count yours.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
I wasn't peeing, I was marking territory. Now those fucking squirrels know who's boss.

14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
Just because you can't hear the music doesn't mean it's not there.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Pens yes, pencils no. The slivers were becoming a problem.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
We were supposed to sleep?

17. What size is your bed?
Gwen sized.

18. What is your “Song of the week”?
You won't make a fool out of me - Flogging Molly

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Okay? It should be required.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
I watch more cartoons now then I did when I was a kid. That's the only upside to being an adult. That and being allowed to drink pop at breakfast, eat ice cream instead of supper, stay up until any ungodly hour you like and legally being able to buy porn. Actually I think they let us do that kind of shit to keep us all from killing ourselves when we realize that being an adult sucks.

Will Work For Food

Actually that's not true. I'll work for money and then I will buy food with that money, pay bills and buy silly things I don't really need, etc. But the the main part of that is working for money. Which I don't seem to be doing much of lately. Which is making me very, very grumpy. I have two jobs and neither is giving me enough hours.
The solution seems simple enough, but the thought of looking for a new job is as frustrating as the problems I have now. Especially when, despite the fact that there are a lot of places looking for employees, 99% of those jobs are part-time minimum wage high school jobs. No one with half a brain would leave a union job with benefits for a cashier gig at the fucking Home Depot.
So the search begins for a decent job that pays and gives enough hours to make everything worth while. Preferably a job that's getting me a little closer to the career I trained for. And definitely something that doesn't make "jumping in front of a speeding bus" look like a good plan.
This could be harder than it looks.

If I Don't Post Something Soon...

They're going to charge me with neglect and put my blog in foster care. I'm not going to take all the blame though, I was busy being sick. That and there's this thing that happens between the hours when I'm at work or asleep, I think it's called "life". I dunno, mostly I just dismiss it as hear-say.
I wish I could say that I have something to talk about, okay, bitch about or even any important news. But alas, I do not. Nothing really out of the ordinary has been going on and I've been too sick to be really pissed off about anything (other than being sick). The only interesting thing to happen to me lately was Saturday I got my first professional job working on a film set.
It was a very, very, very long day that involved a lot of waiting, doing nothing and being amazed by the level of stress some people had managed to reach without actually having their heads explode. Oh and eating, we did a lot of that. Just to clarify, I am NOT complaining. They paid me a stupid amount of money to eat and sit on my ass which is just fine with me. Given the opportunity to do it again, I'll be there in a heartbeat. It's also hours I need if I ever want to join the union (by which I mean 'if I ever want to work on a union set, thus requiring me to join the goddamned union').
Anyway, I saved up every ounce of strength and ability to not be sick for that one day. Now my sick is back with a vengence and I'm on my third box of kleenex. But I will try to be around more again. Really. I promise. I know how much you all probably missed me.

Aaaaaand Sick.

Goddamnit. GODDAMNIT! I do not have time for this shit right now. The cold I was dealing with all week was annoying, but this is bullshit. I am officially sick of being sick. Someone bring me a kleenex.

How About Less Help And More Fucking Off?

My dad is and has always been one of those people who can't leave well enough alone. There is his way and only his way. Anything else is the wrong way. No matter what you're doing, he knows how it could be done better. If something goes wrong he knows what you should have done. And he'll tell you, constantly, until you want to punch something. Or if he's really in a mood he'll redo it for you, he'll "fix" it.
This is NOT a habit I encourage. I know that he means well but for me, there is nothing that makes it more clear what an idiot you must take me for. I don't need anyone to be constantly correcting, fixing and criticizing every little thing I do. It drives me fucking crazy.
Now, keep in mind, the only reason he ever gets away with anything like this is because he's my dad. You on the other hand are not. So if you ever start pulling this kind of obnoxious bullshit with me, I swear by all things unholy I will rip out your tongue and shove it up your ass.

Things I Think

"EEK! What is that!? Kill it! KILL IT!"
"I think it's Clay Aiken."
"EEEEEK! KILL IT! KILL IT!"

That About Sums It Up

I could tell you that I spent the morning answering stupid question, but this kind of sums up everything perfectly. This woman called to ask where we're located. I gave her the address and the intersection. She still wasn't sure.
"Do you know where (Auto Parts Store) is?"
"Yes."
"Well we're right behind them. So if you're headed north towards them you just need to turn left on 4th Ave."
"But... but... I'm headed south! What do I do if I'm going south!?"
"..." Oh yeah, she's serious. "You turn right on 4th."
And there's still another day of this shit.
*sigh*