Alien Life Form? Are You Sure?

I'm stealing a page from the book of Janna today as I'm feeling lazy and uncreative. So here is a list of 10 things ALF could stand for.

1. Anal Lube Formula
2. Alabama Llama Farm
3. Angry Lizard Fights
4. Abraham Lincoln Farted
5. Ask Laurence Fishburne
6. Annoying Lazy Freaks
7. Artichoke Leaf Fever
8. Aspic Lovers Foundation
9. Alan Ladd Forever
10. Acrid Left-over Fumes

Back Again

Sorry all, I know it's been almost two weeks with nothing at all from me. But to be honest, I really needed some time. As I keep telling people around here (here being what goes on in my "real life") it's nothing specific, it's nothing I can point to and say "that's what's wrong" and it's nothing anyone can fix. It's just the way I am and it takes time for me to get past bad patches. Right now I'm feeling much better and getting back to abnormal. So, thanks for understanding, those that do and those that don't can't go fuck ourselves. Cool? Cool.
Anyway, I'm hoping we can get back to our regularly scheduled insanity now. Enjoy!

It Must Be Some Horrible Mistake

It's not possible that I'm actually a grown up. It's a lie and I'll be found out as a fraud any day now, I know it. But I just can't explain away what happened yesterday. I can't do it and be a kid at the same time, can I? Unless I'm some kind of amazing adult/kid hybrid! That would be cool!
Wait... you want to know what happened yesterday? I guess I should explain.
I did some work for a friend of the family, folding folders (which is actually less fun than it sounds). I also got paid for doing all this. Not a huge amount, but enough for me to pay for the tattoo I've been planning on getting or buying a lot of fun shit. But did I do anything of the sort? No. No I did not.
It pains me to say it, but I took every last cent and I paid off my credit card and all of my bills. As much as that pains me, it pains me even more to say that I was actually, literally, totally, excited about paying off all my bills. Especially that fucking credit card.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go change in to some jammies, eat some incredibly sugary cereal while I watch cartoons.

Sorry

I've been having a really bad couple of weeks and I haven't been in the head space for posting. Hopefully this will change very, very soon.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

I have never been a fan of Death Cab For Cutie. Then the other night I was looking around the iTunes store and ended up in the "just for you" section or whatever the hell it's called, flipping through the samples they had up. I found a couple of things I liked but when I hit this one I actually stopped and played it again. Then I got it and listened to the whole thing. Then I listened to it again. I don't know what else to say except I love it.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

No, not back to school and definitely not Christmas. No folks, it's officially time for the stores to start putting out the Halloween stuff! Yay! I personally start the countdown to Halloween on Nov. 1st, but for the stores and, well, most people now is the time to start thinking about costumes and decorations and what-not. (It's also the time, by the way, that it's best to do most of your Christmas shopping for me. Actually, you could probably just stock up on presents for me for any gift requiring holiday throughout the year. So long as you understand the difference between "cool" halloween stuff and "childish"/"tacky" halloween stuff.)
So in honour of this most festive time of year, I've been doing what I always do. Buying more shit for my house. Today I bought this guy.



He found a very happy home along with a few other things I have hanging in my living room. (Living room? Honestly, I need to start calling it something else. It's full of coffins, scythes and skulls.)



I should become an interior decorator. I fucking rock at this shit.

*I've also added a countdown at the bottom of the page.

Happy Blogiversary To Me

Who knew that when I started writing this garbage it would last three years? Not me, that's for damn sure. But here we are, three years older and wiser, well... older anyway and still going strong. Hopefully I've at least made a few people laugh and that you've enjoyed yourselves so far. Please feel free to send money, gifts, cards, etc.
I would also like to take this opportunity to announce the launch of a new site, not to replace this one, not at all but to join it. So I hope you'll all help me give a warm welcome to The Gwenhwyfar Letters.

Why Yes, I Am Still Here

Honestly, I'm starting to think my internet use is becoming a problem. I go offline for a week and I have people immediately assuming I'm dead. What does that say about me?
Really I just had too much to do to get near the computer lately. Not that any of what I had to do was interesting, it was just keeping me busy and paying me money. Oddly enough, the internet never pays me to stay online. Personally I think it should, but the last time I brought that up we got in to this huge fight and everyone said things they didn't really mean. We didn't talk for a while but eventually we went for coffee, we cried and hugged and made up, so I think it's best not to bring it up again. Right?
So just a quick catch up...

- My eye has healed completely, without any scarring. Part of me is a little disappointed. I mean, it made me look pretty bad ass.

- Somehow I ended up driving my friend to the airport so she could go to Australia for two months, letting her park her car at my house while she's gone and agreed to be a contact for the lady who is feeding her cats. I strongly considered knocking her out, stealing her ID and taking her trip instead.

- Tonight I'm heading to Mozart in the Meadow with my grandmother because that's what all the cool people are doing these days.

- For the better part of the last week I've been working for my mom's friend taping and folding folders. This somehow manages to be even less fun than it sounds. The only up sides are a) getting paid for helping and b) there's a TV and Wed. was a full day of Edward G. Robinson on TCM.

Dear Yahtzee,

Or is it Ben? Or Mr. Croshaw? Does it really matter?
I wanted to drop you a quick line to tell you that I love you. I love you in a way that only a bitchy canadian blogger can love a fast talking, angry british game reviewer. Please don't ever stop ranting, it's just so damned sexy.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Sweet What?

I was over at the consumerist going through their many many stories of consumer lameness when I came across a letter one man had written about McDonald's bullshit drink policy. Now as interesting as the overall story was I couldn't help but be distracted. The guy kept referring to "Sweet tea".
I went out on a limb and assumed that "sweet tea" is the same as ice tea, but is that assumption correct? Is it some kind of american thing? Who the fuck calls it "sweet tea"? Is there no such thing as ice tea in this bizarro world of "sweet tea"? I'm so confused!

I Wasn't Even Pretending To Be A Ghost

My cat is special. The kind of special that would have him wearing a helmet and taking the little yellow bus to school if he wear a person. He is also afraid of a ridiculous array of things. Like oven mitts for example. So for the most part, nothing much surprises me any more but last night he managed to shock me.
I got new sheets for my bed. They're nothing fancy, just white sheets with red and orange stripes. So I striped down the bed and threw my other sheets in the wash, remade the bed, no problem. Right?
Wrong.
Apparently my cat is TERRIFIED of my new sheets. He would stand on the blanket on my bed but when I set him on the actual sheets he jumped like I set him on a hot burner and freaked. It was hilariously funny until he spazzed and clawed my arm and face.
I actually had to take the sheets off the bed and replace them with my old sheets to get him to calm down. And even then it took some convincing to get him to understand that the evil sheets were gone and the bed was once again safe for kitties. I washed the new sheets last night in the hopes that it might just be because they still smell weird or something. I haven't gotten a chance to try them out again, so I'll keep you updated.
I should also mention that just to check and make sure that there wasn't something horribly wrong with the sheets (like they were covered in Cat Repellent Bat-Spray) I went and got my other cat. When I set him on the sheets he looked at the sheets, then at me and meowed indignantly for having woken him up for something as stupid as checking the sheets. So I'm going to have to assume that my other cat is out of his tiny little mind.
Finally, I wanted to point out that when I say he clawed my face, I really mean he clawed my face.

This better not scar or everyone is going to know that I really am the evil twin.

Flavour Of The Week

Normally when people use the term "Flavour* of the Week" they're either talking about ice cream or someone's habit of getting themselves new arm candy every other week. While both of those are fine, for me it's usually in reference to words.
I get stuck on a word for a while, until it either gets worn out or I find something I like better. I also get a perverse pleasure when I notice that I've gotten my friends to start using my word**. I imagine it's a bit like Dr. Frankenstein seeing his creation come to life, the power he wields over life and death.
Okay, maybe that's taking it a bit far (although I would really love to have an excuse to yell "it's alive" in that deliciously over the top kind of way).
But for now my "Flavour of the Week" is Fucktarded.



*I fucking hate spellcheck giving me a fucking head trip about spelling things the proper way. Fuck you, american spellcheck. It IS spelled with a "u".

**By "my word" I don't necessarily mean I made them up, just that I've claimed them. So there.

Ketchup

Let me start by saying I'm sorry that I haven't been around at all this week. I suck. I know. Boo-urns to me. But between my brother's birthday, a whole lot of personal badness, buying a car and everything else that's been crammed in I just haven't had the time or the energy. I couldn't even work myself in to a decent rant and that is really saying something.
Oh yeah, that's right. I bought a car! For the first time in nearly a decade I am once again a car owner. *squee!*
Everyone, say hello to my new pimp-mobile Marcus!




Isn't he lovely? Yeah, yeah, I know. shut-up. He's mine and that's all that matters.

P.S. Fuck You

I quit my job today. Well, one of them. I couldn't be happier.
Seems that it's not all that hard to push me past my breaking point. Especially for the pay I was getting there. All you really have to do is staff the building almost entirely with idiots and incompetents, get the day staff to do the cleaner's job, cancel shifts without informing people, treat the staff like shit, hire three extra people and cut everyone down to one shift a week.
I left a very short, polite note and my keys on the desk and I plan on never setting foot in that shit hole again. I didn't bother leaving an explanation either because I didn't have the time for that long of a list. So to make up for it, here is a resignation letter worth leaving.

M_____,
I've decided to quit this bullshit job because your incompetence gives me a migraine, L___ is a useless bitch and this place is going right down the shitter. That is of course on top of the fact that the number of disgusting jobs and mind-numbing stupidity I'm asked to deal with seems to be increasing every time I walk through the door.
To be fair tho, can you really blame me? You were the one, after all, who cut me back to ONE three hour shift A WEEK. I mean, I understand. You did hire all those extra people as we were moving in to our slow season. (Really clever move, by the way.) But you can't blame me for being an annoyed little peon any more than I can blame you for being completely unfettered by managerial sense, right?
Now because I am a fucking sweetheart and because I know of at least one person who was ready to follow me on my way out (and I can guess at several more who wouldn't need much convincing), I'd like to offer you some advice, a few suggestions, that sort of thing. Mmm-kay?
First, even during the "busy" season, the place runs find with three people. So kicking off the slow season by hiring three more people makes absolutely no sense. This is one of those things that means a MAJOR FUCKING CUTBACK IN HOURS. Somehow that always seems to make people just a teensy bit upset.
Second, giving extra shifts to the person who has told you that they want less and less work to the person who has told you they need as much as they can get - not a good plan. Generally people say what they mean when it comes to this sort of thing. Trust me on this one, you're pissing both of those people off. A lot.
Third, spend a little time learning the difference between day staff and the night cleaners. Then check what each are doing. If the cleaners aren't cleaning and the day staff is, you have a problem. A big one. Fix it.
Fourth, the recycling depot sorts everything for you. There is NO reason why the day staff should be asked to sort sticky, putrid, rotting recycling. Especially if you're not even going to have the decency to get some rubber gloves.
Fifth, training, training, training. I cannot stress this enough. If something changes or a new procedure is introduced you actually have to train the staff to handle it. Written instructions, by the way, are fine and dandy ONLY when they are written in a way that can be understood. You know, by people who speak english and not whatever jibberish it is that you seem to be writing them in. Maybe from now on you could have them proof read by several people to make sure that they are easily understood. Hmmm?
Sixth, insisting that the staff member closing up late at night (that would be ONE person) go around alone to make sure (and I quote) "no crazy people got in and are hiding somewhere" in a dangerous area of town is probably not so smart. Oh and when someone asks what to do in the event that a crazy person is actually hiding in the basement somewhere, it's probably best not to answer "Um... run." Yeah. Just a thought. Also, just a heads up, when people feel a job is unsafe they'll probably just skip it.
Seventh, GET A FUCKING CASH REGISTER. I can't even imagine how long people were fucking up the cash-out before I came along and pointed it out. Do you have any fucking clue how much easier it would be if you had a fucking cash register? I mean, come on! This is a basic item that businesses should have. Fork out the hundred odd dollars to get one. I shouldn't even have to say this one, fuck. (Also, you'll note that the instructions I wrote are actually understandable, easy to follow and only one page long. Amazing, I know. What can I say? It's a skill.)
You know what, I could probably go on forever. There are just too many things. But these ones are the biggest problems I can think of right now. The more I think about them, the more my head hurts. So let me just say take this as a starting point and work from there. If you need any help with fixing the rest of the bullshit, don't call. I don't want to hear about it. Figure it out, you fucktard. That's your job. (Actually, please expand that to "don't call me ever, for any reason. From hear on out I'm going to choose to believe you're dead.")

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

A Few Things

Sometimes a few things can add up to make a day worth getting out of bed for.
For instance, today I had myself a delicious waffle sandwich (that's a sandwich made with two waffles instead of bread) which I've discovered is one of the greatest things ever. Then I checked the mail to find that I had received my very first free book from Mini Book Expo (for bloggers). Let me tell you, no matter how old I get few things make me as giddy as getting parcels in the mail. (Actually I'm getting to the age where I'm just happy when there's something in the mail box aside from flyers and bills.) After that I spent most of my day sitting on the couch reading. And finally to top it all off, this afternoon I should be heading over to finalize buying a car. (It certainly nothing fancy, by which I mean it's a sardine can on wheels, but it will be mine, ALL MINE!)
All in all, not a bad day.

Dear Heath Ledger,

Since communication with you has become... well, difficult, I thought I'd write. There are a few things I wanted to say.
First, I should start by saying I was never a fan of yours. That sounds harsh but it's true and I don't want to lie to you. I hated your movies and I've never fallen for "the pretty boy" thing. You and Orlando and all the pretty boys that came before you make me want to wretch. As much as I know that guys like you end up being stuck in the same vapid, shallow, teeny-bopper roles in the same dime-a-dozen bullshit movies over and over again, I still can't work up much sympathy.
Second, A Knight's Tale was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I don't care what the screaming fan-girls say, it made me envious of Helen Keller. Also, I have not seen Brokeback Mountain. I probably will someday but I can't comment on any of your work in that film because after all the hype and bullshit surrounding it, I just couldn't bring myself to jump on the bandwagon.
And third, when I read the announcement that you'd been cast as the Joker I actually cried. I've been a fan of Batman forever and the Joker is my all time, hands down, no contest, favourite bad guy of all time. While, as previously stated, I'm not a fan of yours. So as the time grew near for the new Batman to hit theaters, my worry grew. (It certainly didn't help matters that the last Batman movie was a disappointment and Christian Bale rates almost as high with me as you do.)
Well, I saw Dark Knight.
I'm not going to take back everything I said before now. I'm not going to tell you that it wiped clean all that I hated before. I'm not because it's not true. What I will say though is this, you surprised me in a very good way. While there are still things about the movie that I wasn't really excited about and I still have a few complaints, none of them are very serious.
Your Joker was almost everything people had said it was. It was dark and maniacal, twisted and not a little over the top. It was everything the Joker should be. I walked away with an appreciation for your performance and the doubt that had welled up inside was relieved. I must say though, it was replaced with a lot of annoyance because I can't help but thinking that if you'd been pulling off shit like this all along I would never have gotten to hate you so much.
Anyway, I know this hasn't been the most complimentary letter but accept it for what it is, especially coming from someone who would actually avoid movies just because you were in them. Kudos, dude, you've impressed me which in and of itself is impressive.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

I'm Really Starting To Think...

That if self-esteem were water, I wouldn't have enough to fill a thimble.

In Your Face, Robin

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets
The scary thing? I haven't had any coffee today (although I always have delusions of godlike power).

Waffle Time!

Last night I was watching TV and I came to the conclusion that I needed a waffle. Why a waffle? I have no idea. Luckily for me however, I have a waffle iron, I found a decent recipe for waffles and I actually had ALL the stuff I needed. So at 9pm I made waffle batter. (I'm one of those weirdos who actually has to make them from scratch because frozen store bought waffles are disgusting.) While I made waffles I learned three very important things.

1. Vanilla soy milk works really well in waffle batter and it makes the waffles kind of sweet.

2. I ALWAYS over fill the first batch of waffles. You'd think I'd learn.

3. My waffle iron makes farting noises which make me giggle like a small child. I am just too mature for words.

I also had to make all of the batter which made more waffles than any one person should ever eat in a single sitting, so now I have tasty waffles in my freezer I can have any time. In fact, I had peanut butter and jam waffle for breakfast instead of toast. Sometimes it's good to be me.
Oh and I was watching Scrubs while I ate breakfast and I happened to be watching an episode that starts off with John C. McGinley singing a happy little song (John C. being the #1 reason I watch Scrubs, it made me giddy**). Now you can enjoy it too!



**Bet you would never have guessed that Dr. Cox is MY favourite character, eh?

This Post Has Nothing To Do With Dinosaurs

It mostly has to do with me pimping other sites for no real reason other than boredom. That and if other people go to use these sites they will be less likely to go tits up so I can continue enjoying them. Then everyone wins, right?
Anyway, if you were a fan of MST3K you simply must go to Riff Trax. Go now, spend a few dollars, laugh your ass off. Jurassic Park is by far the best one I've seen so far. (Damn, now the title of this post is a lie!) If you weren't a fan of MST3K, what the fuck are you doing here? Go away and come back when you've grown a sense of humour.
Next up and I was really hesitant to share this because I don't want every book I'm interested in being stolen away from me (I know what you fucking jackals are like) is Mini Book Expo (for bloggers). A site where they give you free books in exchange for your review of the books. FREE BOOKS! I think those are my two favourite words. (If any of you get your hands on I (heart) Geeks I would love to get a look at it when you're done.)
And last but certainly not least, Robin has been having a bad week. Please be sure to stop by and tell her just how lovely and wonderful she is. Because sometimes you just need a hug or at very least, someone to say nice things about you and type "HUGZ!"

Biggest Regrets

I found this video on Boing Boing today. It just kind of fit with a lot I've been thinking about lately and a very long talk I had with a friend of mine. It just kind of fits and though I'm not sure how to feel about it, it moved me. Maybe that's a good thing.

Like Some Sick Twisted Joke

I work in a library. You know those places, filled with literature, promoting literacy, really into learning, that sort of thing. A place where proper english rules with an iron fist, grammar is key and spelling, a god. At least that's what I, along with many others I would imagine, have been led to believe. I tell you friends, it is a fucking lie.
Tonight I almost wept went I saw the new poster the library made up to promote a reading program for young adults. It says (and by God I wish I was making this up) "Read Ny Gud Bux L8ly?"**
How is it possible that this got approved!? HOW!? I know I've gone off on rants about that kind of bullshit internet texting lingo before but this... THIS I can't find words for. It's just so wrong on so many levels.
First, as previously stated, the library is all about promoting LITERACY. So why the fuck are they suddenly encouraging this borderline illiterate asinine shit? The library is an institution that is meant to be looked up to. It's a place where people come to seek information. It's not a place that should be talking down to children or dumbing things down for people. (The terrifying thought is that one day these half-wit little bastards will be not only caring for you in your old age, but running the fucking country. I expect any day now we'll start passing laws that end in "Srsly not want".)
Second, this is about equal to your mother suddenly wearing daisy dukes, dying her hair purple and asking you if you want to go to the "rock and roll concert". You shuddered, right? Yeah, me too. Because it's gross and sad and the complete opposite of cool. The library is not the nerdy girl in the movies who takes off her glasses and lets down her hair to reveal that she's actually wicked hot. No. The library is the nerdy girl you went to school with, the one with the massive overbite, dental appliance, lazy eye, an almost psychotic love of algebra and who always smelt of cheese. No amount of "hip talk" is going to change that.
Third, since when did we start encouraging bad habits in youth? Are we all going to suddenly start chewing with our mouths open, picking our noses, give up on washing our hands, etc. because the kids are doing it so it must be cool? Because, silly me, I always thought that as adults we were meant to stand as a good example and to lead the way, not follow the example of every thirteen year old with the IQ of a hamster. (Although this would explain how movies like Norbit ever got the green light.)
And fourth, when the fuck did we become so fucking lazy that we can't be bothered to write a whole fucking word? WHEN!? When did people start getting half way through a word and saying "Fuck me, this writing shit takes too much effort."? I mean, for fuck sakes, you're not even WRITING with a pen and paper. You're typing! Is hitting a few extra keys really that taxing? If we've really gotten to the point as a species where, from here on out, people are actually too lazy to type I think we ought to just starting killing ourselves en masse. Because we're only about three generations away from becoming completely immobile mountains of Jabba the Hutt-esque lard who do nothing but eat processed cheese product and watch reality TV.
Sweet titty fucking Christ.
Taking it too far? Maybe. Getting worked up over nothing? Possibly. A little insane? A given.
It's my blog, fuck you.



**Blogger spellcheck almost had an aneurism over that.

10 Signs That I Might Be A Fanboy

Well, fangirl. Close enough.
Recently I had someone over to my house who was seeing it for the first time. Their comment was something along the lines of my house being what he expected and a fairly typical Fanboy kind of house. Now I like a lot of weird shit and I have collectables (also known as "junk") but I would never have come right out and classed myself in with THAT group. It did however get me thinking.

1. One of my most prized possessions is a Franklin mint model of the NCC-1701.

2. One of the best presents I've ever received - The red Swingline stapler from Office Space.

3. There are collectables from at least ten different movies and shows in my living room alone.

4. This has been the background on my computer for about four months already. Before that, it was this.

5. My last three Facebook status updates have been obscure references that no one should get, really.

6. Some people collect stamps. I collect movie posters.

7. I get positively giddy whenever I see anything related to the new Hellboy movie and I have people who will back me up on that.

8. I'm really worried that they cast Seth McFarlane as Johann because I love Johann and if Seth fucks it up it may very well ruin the whole movie for me.

9. I often tell people that "i'll be there with bells on, you'll love me in bells". No one yet has caught the reference.

10. I have read and laughed at this.

I'm starting to think my friend may have a point.
*Sigh*
But I'm a cool nerd, right?

Dear Wind,

You owe me $40.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

PS - Fuck you.

Dear Stomach,

Hi, it's me. Listen, we need to talk. I know we're not always on the best terms, you and I. I know I like to eat a lot of weird food that you're sometimes not crazy about and there are days when you're not exactly cooperative and I really needed you to be on your best behaviour. We have our ups and downs but I had hoped that we might be made stronger by it. I mean, at very least, I had hoped that we could find some middle ground. So I thought we should talk before this goes any further. Maybe we can salvage something.
I know that I haven't exactly picked the easiest life-style. I know that I create a lot of worries I don't need to. I know, really I do. And I'm sorry. I know that it's hard on you when shit gets crazy. But that's what I need to talk to you about. I'm trying really hard to be strong about a lot of things despite what people might think and I need your help.
As much as I would love to have my very own ulcer this summer, I'm afraid I just haven't got the time for one. I don't think I even really have the room for one. I know you've been working really hard producing extra acid and gurgling away for a while and I appreciate the effort. I know how you've been putting in overtime and getting everyone in on helping you. Tell them all thanks, by the way. But right now is just not a good time.
So could we all just try to get along? Maybe we can discuss this whole ulcer thing next year, okay?
Thanks.
Talk to you again soon.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

See, I Told You

What's it been? Two days? I got two days since my post about being in a good mood. This morning I went to leave, got in the car and sat on my ashtray. Why did I sit on my ashtray? Because some fucker broke in to my car and went through the console.
The really stupid thing is that they didn't take my cds this time (they were all burnt). They didn't even steal my mints. They stole the cup thingy I keep in the ashtray where I keep my change. The cup, I should mention, that had exactly four cents in it. So they went through the car, made a fucking mess and made off with a $5 cup thingy and four pennies.
I hate people.

How The Hell Did That Happen?

I forgot I had to work tonight. The most likely reason for this is because I'm fairly sure that the guy I traded with was using some kind of evil voodoo to get me to do this. Because now I'm working all four nights in the theatre. This, this is just not good.
I'm having one of those days (and I can see this lasting all weekend) where I REALLY don't want to be here. I'm actually beyond antsy. I kind of want to scream. I just need to leave and I can't.
Normally I don't mind work, in fact, I kind of like it. But when I know that I could be out doing other shit if I wasn't stuck here, this place is like a fucking prison.
Fuck I hate being a responsible adult.

Know Your Vines

If you don't read XKCD for some entirely ridiculous reason, you should start. What? Think you're too cool? Well sweetheart, if you're hear reading this shit, you're not.

Don't Worry, Something Is Bound To Piss Me Off Soon

I realize I haven't posted anything since monday but to be perfectly honest, I've been in a really good mood for days already. What am I supposed to ramble on about if I'm not pissed off about something? Frankly, I'm at a bit of a loss.
I'm not worried though, because as much as I enjoy the good times, I know that sooner or later some act of mind-boggling stupidity will bring me crashing back down and you'll get more hate filled rants. It's a funny ol' world, ain't it?
So how are all of you?

The Count

Okay, I realize this is my second Henson related post this week, but this video made me laugh a lot. So watch it. Stop your bitching and just do it!

A Mystery For The Ages

Can someone please tell me why the guys who hit on me (which is, admittedly, rare) are always creepy weirdos with THE worst pick-up lines EVER? I don't get it. Is that the vibe I send off? Is it my shampoo? What?
I'm seriously thinking about developing agoraphobia just so I have an excuse NOT to leave the house.

Please Send Help

Scratch that. Send drugs.
I'm on day seven of this headache and nothing so far has worked. I've been through ever pill bottle in the house and now I'm on the Head-On at Janna's suggestion that it might work. But to no avail. I'd cry if I didn't know that crying only makes my head hurt more.
I'm actually thinking of naming it. It's old enough and big enough to deserve it. I've even decided on a name. Marvin.
"Why Marvin?" I hear you asking. Because I've been watching too much Muppet Show again and every time I see Marvin Suggs and his muppaphone I feel a connection to those poor fuzzy little muppets.
Actually, the more that I think about it, the more I think that from now on all of my headaches will be named Marvin.

Please Tell Me This Isn't True

I feel sick and sad and I think I'm going to cry. It can't be true, it just can't. George can't really be dead. It's not possible. He is one of those people who makes the world a livable place. He makes everything seem alright.
I don't even have words for this news. I can't think of anything that would make this seem less heartbreaking.
*sigh*

Goodbye George. I owe you thanks for so much. You showed me that humor can be found everywhere, that shit is funny so laugh. You showed me that not everyone who speaks their mind has to get in trouble for it and that even when you do, so fucking what? You gave me more original curses than anyone ever has. More than anything, you made me laugh. A lot. And that is something I will owe you for until the end of my days.
Thanks for everything, man. No one will ever be able to fill your shoes. You are truly irreplaceable.

-Gwenhwyfar.

Top 100? Seriously?

I swiped this from Adam, who got the list from Entertainment Weekly. It's a list of their Top 100 movies of the last 25 years. Personally I'm wondering who the chimps are who made up this list and where some of the actual top movies are. But hey, that's me.
Anyhow, in keeping with Adam's idea, I've bolded the ones I've seen and marked asterisks next to the ones I liked.

1. Pulp Fiction (1994) **
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03)
3. Titanic (1997)
4. Blue Velvet (1986)
5. Toy Story (1995)**
6. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)**
9. Die Hard (1988)**
10. Moulin Rouge (2001)
11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
12. The Matrix (1999)**
13. GoodFellas (1990)**
14. Crumb (1995)**
15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)**
16. Boogie Nights (1997)
17. Jerry Maguire (1996)
18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
19. Casino Royale (2006)**
20. The Lion King (1994)**
21. Schindler's List (1993)**
22. Rushmore (1998)
23. Memento (2001)**
24. A Room With a View (1986)
25. Shrek (2001)**
26. Hoop Dreams (1994)
27. Aliens (1986)
28. Wings of Desire (1988)
29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)**
30. When Harry Met Sally... (1989)
31. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
32. Fight Club (1999)**
33. The Breakfast Club (1985)
34. Fargo (1996)**
35. The Incredibles (2004)**
36. Spider-Man 2 (2004)**
37. Pretty Woman (1990)
38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)**
39. The Sixth Sense (1999)**
40. Speed (1994)
41. Dazed and Confused (1993)**
42. Clueless (1995)
43. Gladiator (2000)**
44. The Player (1992)
45. Rain Man (1988)**
46. Children of Men (2006)
47. Men in Black (1997)**
48. Scarface (1983)**
49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)**
50. The Piano (1993)
51. There Will Be Blood (2007)
52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)**
53. The Truman Show (1998)
54. Fatal Attraction (1987)
55. Risky Business (1983)
56. The Lives of Others (2006)
57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)
58. Ghostbusters (1984)**
59. L.A. Confidential (1997)**
60. Scream (1996)
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
63. Big (1988)**
64. No Country For Old Men (2007)**
65. Dirty Dancing (1987)
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)
67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
68. Witness (1985)
69. All About My Mother (1999)
70. Broadcast News (1987)
71. Unforgiven (1992)
72. Thelma & Louise (1991)**
73. Office Space (1999)**
74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
75. Out of Africa (1985)
76. The Departed (2006)
77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)
80. Michael Clayton (2007)
81. Moonstruck (1987)
82. Lost in Translation (2003)
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)**
84. Sideways (2004)
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)**
86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
87. Swingers (1996)
88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)**
89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)**
91. Back to the Future (1985)**
92. Menace II Society (1993)
93. Ed Wood** (1994)
94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)**
95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
96. Far From Heaven (2002)
97. Glory (1989)
98. The Talented Mr. Ripley** (1999)
99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)**

One Down, Two To Go

I was up at six this morning. As in 6am. That was bad enough but on top of the fact that I didn't crawl in to bed until 3am made the whole thing even less fun. Now I hear you asking, "But why, oh lovely, prefect, wonderful Gwenhwyfar? Why would you torture yourself like that?"
The answer is simple. I've lost my damned mind.
A few months ago, after talking with a few people, I thought it would be a great idea to get myself a table at the local farmer's market. Just selling stuff I was making anyway. Sounds simple, right? And it really is a pretty cheap gig.
So when they called to tell me that my application for a table had gone through I got to work. I worked my ass off for weeks. I got lots done.
The first day was bad. Really bad. It was windy (and if you live on the prairie you know what I mean) and it rained. All. Fucking. Morning. I came home soaked and frozen. The second day wasn't so bad. But business was slow because it was also the weekend of an annual arts festival in the city.
Today however, today was great. I was busy, I sold lots, I made money. Good stuff all around. Oh and no wind or rain.
So where's the part where I lose my mind? Well, while this sounds all well and good, you must keep in mind that Farmer's Market is not my only job. I have two other jobs. And just by fluke, I am working all three today.
I was up at 6am (with three hours sleep) and the market at 8am, done there at 1pm (almost 1.30pm actually) so I could run to the theatre where I will work until 5pm and then run to the library for 6pm. I will get home tonight sometime around 12am.
That is the part where I loose it.
I need a nap.

Hi

I'm not in right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If you need to find me, you can get me today at The Road Less Unraveled.
*beep*

A Kill The Body Alphabet

A is for Ape shit, which I'm likely to go
B is for Bitch because I am one, you know
C is for Cunt, my 2nd favourite word
D is for Dipshit, you dumbass turd
E is for Everyone who acts like they belong in the zoo
F is for Fuck as in off, which you should do
G is for Gwen, the eternal pessimist
H is for Hell and the dark throne I'm starting to miss
I is for Ignorant like most of the public
J is for Just, as is just fucking fuck it
K is for Kill but only the body please
L is for Letters I actually hope those people read
M is for Meme when I'm totally lazy
N is for Neurotic, I admit that I'm crazy
O is for Outraged which I often am
P is for Piss off which you certainly can
Q is for Q and the lovely John De Lancie
R is for Rhyming like some fucking nancy
S is for Shit, another favourite swear
T is for Thunder Cunt, yeah I said it, so there
U is for Upset which I occasionally get
V is for Victor which I haven't been yet
W is for Weblog, a word nobody uses
X is for X-rated and not needing excuses
Y is for You, the people who read this
Z is for Zany, good grief, that word's bullshit

Yeah, That Seems About Right

I did this over at worlde. I pasted in all my posts for the last two years. If you can't figure it out, it's the top words I've used from biggest to smallest. Somehow I'm not at all surprised that "Fuck" made it in to my top ten, twice. Although I am a little surprised at the number of times I've said "ow" (I'm blaming that mostly on a post from earlier this year about having cramps).

Goodbye Mr. Winston

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I just read that Stan Winston Passed away yesterday.
For those of you who don't know, Stan Winston is the FX master behind movies like Terminator, Edward Scissorhands, Jurassic Park and most recently Iron Man. He is one of the artist who inspired me to go in to make-up and fx, he made it an art form, something to aspire to. His work was constantly ground breaking and breath taking.
So goodbye, Mr. Winston. Thank you for everything. You will be missed.

I Wouldn't Buy My Own Albums

Because one sounds like a Russian Girl Pop band (or a Gay Pop band at least) and the other is so Emo it makes me want to write sad poetry and cut myself.

Let’s make a band:
1. Band Name
The first article title is the name of your band.

2. Album Name
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3.Album Cover
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Now take your pic, add the band name and title to it, then post it.

A Link's As Good As A Nod To A Blind Bat

If anyone is interested Over The Hill Orchards has THE most amazing prairie cherry juice EVER. I bought some at the Farmer's Market yesterday and I will be buying more next time. Holy hell is it good.

The Curry Gods Are Mocking Me

Yesterday I wanted some curry. Wait. Let me clarify. I spent the entire day thinking about curry, how much I love curry, how much I wanted to eat some curry, about how I would gladly knock over an old lady to get at some curry. So after work I headed downtown to Punjabi. They're open every day and they are my favourite East Indian Restaurant in the city. (Seriously, I go there enough that the owner knows me. It's kind of sad.)
Now, I have almost no sense of smell. I don't know why. Most things just don't get in. But when you step in to the Scarth St. Mall the curry reaches everyone, even me. It reaches in the the depths of my hunger and makes me crazy until I've eaten enough that I need a nap. And when I stepped in to the mall that is what I expected.
Nothing. Not a sniff. I started thinking my nose had finally packed up for good. Until I saw the doors. Closed and locked. I actually groaned and then I tried not to cry. A sign out front explained that they were closed for the day. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Out of my love of curry and need for food I broke down and turned on my loyalty to Punjabi. I went to Flavours of India. I know it's not the worst place in the world. I know lots of people love it. I'm just not a huge fan. Especially when I know what I want and I can't get it. Nothing else is going to measure up.
I did get some chana masala, aaloo matar, rice and naan. It was enough to fill the curry gap. It was decent. But I know I'm going to have to go to Punjabi next week to actually get what I want.


On a side note, can someone please tell me how the troglodytes of this city votes FOI best Indian Restaurant? Over Punjabi? Or Selam? What the fuck? (but ten those same freaks voted McDeath's best fries...)
See, I'm not a food snob, everyone else just has white trash taste buds. It's like their mouths are taste bud trailer parks.

Because I Have Nothing Else To Say

At least not at the moment.
Here's a meme, just so you guys don't start thinking I'm dead. I wouldn't want you getting all excited for nothing.

The concept:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

Dear Robert Downey Jr.,

I just wanted to drop you a line because I have a few things I need to say. Mostly because you've been on my mind for the last little while. With the release of Iron Man, your GQ interview, the upcoming Tropical Thunder, it would be a little hard not to think about you and I have to say that I'm really excited to have so many excellent reasons to.
I've only just got back from finally seeing Iron man, by the way. It was fabulous. More than fabulous. I honestly can't even think of a word to adequately describe how awesome it was. I was never a huge Iron Man fan. I mean, I've read them, sure. But he was never one of my favourites. Now I'm starting to feel like that's going to change. You made me love Tony Stark, faults and all. You made him someone I could love. That kind of leads me to what I wanted to say.
You're wonderful, you know that? Really. You're a fantastic actor. Absolutely one of the best. (And I'm not one for saccharine flattery.)
I remember very well watching Chaplin as a child and being absolutely captivated by it. Even more recently I felt that same sense of captivation, the same sympathy, the same connection watching Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. You give the characters you play such a humanity that it's hard not to be sucked in by them.
So I'd like to say that I, for one, am so very happy to see you again. I wish only the best for you.
I know the opinion of a very unknown blogger carries, well, no weight at all but I really do think you're something special.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

PS - I know I'm not the first to say it and I surely won't be the last, but you have THE most incredible eyes. (Sorry, I just had to say it.)

Please Give Generously

It Matches The Decor Perfectly!

My Grandparents gave me money for my birthday, which is just fine with me. It saves them shopping and I get exactly what I always wanted. Everyone wins! Except for one thing. My grandparents must keep in mind that when someone gives me money and instructions to buy something "fun" and to "get what I really want", that is exactly what I will do. And it won't necessarily be what you would have picked out for me.
So here's what I got for myself (I hung it up as soon as I got home).



Man, I fucking LOVE the antique mall!

And Now, A Public Service Announcement

Heads Up, Bitches!

Tomorrow is my birthday... just in case you hadn't worked that one out yet.
Get me something nice.

Because I Don't Have Enough On My Plate Already

I can't really remember how it came up in the first place, but I do remember what triggered the idea. I was watching an episode of Fraiser (yes, I watch Fraiser) and they were doing an old timey radio show, murder mystery thing. Of course in the show wackiness and highjinks ensue but it got me thinking, it would be a whole lot of fun to make an online radio murder mystery thing.
Then, somehow, the idea merged with Mr. Fab's Big Honking Duet Show idea and I started thinking that it would be seriously fun if I could talk bloggers in to participating. Everyone could record their part on their own, they could all be put together, sound effects and music added and it could all be played on something like Blog Talk Radio.
The only real big problems would be finding people willing to participate on a regular basis and of course, finding scripts. Although, in a community of bloggers who all spend enough time writing, you'd think we could all come up with a few old-timey murder mysteries.
I dunno. Good idea? Bad idea? What do you think?

But They'd Be In For One Hell Of A Fight

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Heads Up, Bitches!

Just FYI, you now have ONE WEEK to find me something fabulous for my birthday.
That is all.

What, Was There A Rift In The Space-Time Continuum?

How hard is it to be on time? I mean really, how fucking hard is it? I don't think I've developed a fucking stutter in the last week so when I said I had someone coming over at 1pm and I had to be at work at 4pm was I unclear? Did I start speaking in tongues without realizing it? Because somehow you managed to make me late TWICE!
I know it's not your schedule, I know you didn't have to be anywhere, but I fucking HATE being late. I hate being late even more than I hate when other people are late. And both of those pale in comparison to just how much I fucking hate it when someone makes me late.
I should also mention just how much I want to punch you in the fucking throat when you show up late and then tell me to relax because "we have lots of time". No. No we don't. We actually have the opposite of "lots of time" because you're fucking late. So late in fact that I had to call work and explain that I was going to be late because your stupid ass can't seem to figure this shit out.

From Me To You 24

It's that time again, Kiddies. Gather 'round Auntie Gwenhwyfar for some more sage advice.

- You'll know that you've finally lost your grip on what was left of childhood when you start doing things that your parents used to have to fight with you to do, just because you feel like you should. It's a sad moment, mourn the loss. It's all down hill from here.

- When certain things never seem to work out no matter how hard you try, you eventually get to a point where you stop getting your hopes up. It doesn't matter how much they used to mean to you. It's hard to ignore the fact that they always end up sucking royally.

- Being busy as fuck sucks ass. Being too broke to pay bills and buy food sucks a lot more ass.

- If you could kindly refrain from answering my questions with questions, non-answers or your bullshit negativity you'd be saving us both a whole lot of time and frustration. Just answer the fucking question.

Happy Birthday Wilf!

Hope it was a good one, you big jerk!

Happy Mom's Day

For anyone interested, that would be me, my mom, my grandma and my great-grandma. (And yes, I was fucking adorable.)

That Old Gag?

I'm starting to think that Hollywood really need to institute rules and regulations regarding gratuitous gag usage. For every tired old gag writers drag out there should be heavy fines. I have a feeling that this would seriously improve a lot of shows and movies and force people to be just a little more creative. (Though it might have a side effect of creating a cycle of gags. Because, of course, if a tired old gag is unused long enough one could reasonably argue that upon reviving it that the fines should be less.)All of the fines could then be given to charity or something.
Here's what I'm thinking:

1) Pie in the face
1a) Pie with filling (ie. Apple, blueberry, etc.) - $500 per pie
1b) Cream pie (Whipped cream, banana cream, meringue or other wise) - $1000 per pie

2) Boss is coming to dinner, hijinx ensue - $2000
2a) Plot stolen directly from "I Love Lucy" - $5000

3) Trying to get rid of an old boyfriend/girlfriend by pretending one of your friends is your husband/wife - $3000
3a) Realizing that the old boyfriend/girlfriend has actually made something of himself/herself/become stinking rich/a supermodel and trying to weasel out of the lie - $4000

4) Character tries to quit smoking by using carrot sticks, complains that he/she can't get them to light - $3000

5) Character doesn't correct mistaken identity right away, hijinx ensue - $3000
5a) Job/sale/relationship riding on the outcome of the situation - $3500

6) Woman walks in at inopportune moment in Man's conversation, blows up without allowing any kind of explanation - $5000

7) Two dates, one restaurant, hijinx ensue - $6000

8) Stereotypical Irish cop - $3000
8a) His name is Paddy/last name begins with O' - $4000

9) Aliens trying to pass themselves off as human
9a) Movie - $50,000
9b) TV series - $1,000,000

10)Mexican servant - $10,000
10a) Over the top accent for comical effect - $20,000

I know there must be more. Any suggestions?

Look, Cute Food Pricks...

Um... these are for kids. You're mean to spear your food with them. And then suck your food off them. Just thought I'd point that out.

Heads Up, Bitches!

You now have 28 days to get my birthday present.

It's Overcast And I'm Sleepy

So all you get is a meme.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
What closet doors? I took them off so I could fit my computer desk in there.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
I can't even remember the last time I stayed in a hotel.

3. Have you ever ‘done it’ in a hotel room?
I honestly have trouble just sleeping in those nasty beds.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
No, sir. I have stolen a sign out of a bus though.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
I write passive-aggressive notes to myself.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I'm saving that for when I hit 65. I already knit, crochet and play Mah Jong. I can't use up everything already.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
I'd take the bear as long as I can have the old school Star Trek fight music playing.

8. Do you have freckles?
No, I have stripes.

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
I don't even stand still for pictures.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Being asked about my pet peeves.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
sheets?

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No, I count yours.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
I wasn't peeing, I was marking territory. Now those fucking squirrels know who's boss.

14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
Just because you can't hear the music doesn't mean it's not there.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Pens yes, pencils no. The slivers were becoming a problem.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
We were supposed to sleep?

17. What size is your bed?
Gwen sized.

18. What is your “Song of the week”?
You won't make a fool out of me - Flogging Molly

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Okay? It should be required.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
I watch more cartoons now then I did when I was a kid. That's the only upside to being an adult. That and being allowed to drink pop at breakfast, eat ice cream instead of supper, stay up until any ungodly hour you like and legally being able to buy porn. Actually I think they let us do that kind of shit to keep us all from killing ourselves when we realize that being an adult sucks.

Will Work For Food

Actually that's not true. I'll work for money and then I will buy food with that money, pay bills and buy silly things I don't really need, etc. But the the main part of that is working for money. Which I don't seem to be doing much of lately. Which is making me very, very grumpy. I have two jobs and neither is giving me enough hours.
The solution seems simple enough, but the thought of looking for a new job is as frustrating as the problems I have now. Especially when, despite the fact that there are a lot of places looking for employees, 99% of those jobs are part-time minimum wage high school jobs. No one with half a brain would leave a union job with benefits for a cashier gig at the fucking Home Depot.
So the search begins for a decent job that pays and gives enough hours to make everything worth while. Preferably a job that's getting me a little closer to the career I trained for. And definitely something that doesn't make "jumping in front of a speeding bus" look like a good plan.
This could be harder than it looks.

If I Don't Post Something Soon...

They're going to charge me with neglect and put my blog in foster care. I'm not going to take all the blame though, I was busy being sick. That and there's this thing that happens between the hours when I'm at work or asleep, I think it's called "life". I dunno, mostly I just dismiss it as hear-say.
I wish I could say that I have something to talk about, okay, bitch about or even any important news. But alas, I do not. Nothing really out of the ordinary has been going on and I've been too sick to be really pissed off about anything (other than being sick). The only interesting thing to happen to me lately was Saturday I got my first professional job working on a film set.
It was a very, very, very long day that involved a lot of waiting, doing nothing and being amazed by the level of stress some people had managed to reach without actually having their heads explode. Oh and eating, we did a lot of that. Just to clarify, I am NOT complaining. They paid me a stupid amount of money to eat and sit on my ass which is just fine with me. Given the opportunity to do it again, I'll be there in a heartbeat. It's also hours I need if I ever want to join the union (by which I mean 'if I ever want to work on a union set, thus requiring me to join the goddamned union').
Anyway, I saved up every ounce of strength and ability to not be sick for that one day. Now my sick is back with a vengence and I'm on my third box of kleenex. But I will try to be around more again. Really. I promise. I know how much you all probably missed me.

Aaaaaand Sick.

Goddamnit. GODDAMNIT! I do not have time for this shit right now. The cold I was dealing with all week was annoying, but this is bullshit. I am officially sick of being sick. Someone bring me a kleenex.

How About Less Help And More Fucking Off?

My dad is and has always been one of those people who can't leave well enough alone. There is his way and only his way. Anything else is the wrong way. No matter what you're doing, he knows how it could be done better. If something goes wrong he knows what you should have done. And he'll tell you, constantly, until you want to punch something. Or if he's really in a mood he'll redo it for you, he'll "fix" it.
This is NOT a habit I encourage. I know that he means well but for me, there is nothing that makes it more clear what an idiot you must take me for. I don't need anyone to be constantly correcting, fixing and criticizing every little thing I do. It drives me fucking crazy.
Now, keep in mind, the only reason he ever gets away with anything like this is because he's my dad. You on the other hand are not. So if you ever start pulling this kind of obnoxious bullshit with me, I swear by all things unholy I will rip out your tongue and shove it up your ass.

Things I Think

"EEK! What is that!? Kill it! KILL IT!"
"I think it's Clay Aiken."
"EEEEEK! KILL IT! KILL IT!"

That About Sums It Up

I could tell you that I spent the morning answering stupid question, but this kind of sums up everything perfectly. This woman called to ask where we're located. I gave her the address and the intersection. She still wasn't sure.
"Do you know where (Auto Parts Store) is?"
"Yes."
"Well we're right behind them. So if you're headed north towards them you just need to turn left on 4th Ave."
"But... but... I'm headed south! What do I do if I'm going south!?"
"..." Oh yeah, she's serious. "You turn right on 4th."
And there's still another day of this shit.
*sigh*

A Girl Can Dream, Can't She?

I have an alarm program on my computer that I use when I have to get up earlier then I would like. I had to be up at 8am to get ready for work, so I set it last night. When the alarm goes off it turns on my computer and starts up iTunes. It's really a glorified clock radio alarm, but I like it a lot better then the mind meltingly awful sound my alarm clock makes.
I have to go to work because the dancers are still there. I don't want to go. They're a bunch of harpy shrews and they make me wish I was deaf and blind. So what tune did I wake up to this morning? (I almost always have iTunes on shuffle.) Johnny Cash singing "The Man Comes Around".
I could help but think "if only". That would make for a really awesome day. Just to watch the Four Horsemen ride through a building full of these freaks. Somehow, I think they'd probably like them as much as I do. I'd even get them some coffee. Maybe a muffin or something. I mean, really, I don't imagine they have much time to stop and snack and everyone needs to eat. You can't go around Apocolypsing it up on an empty stomach. You'll just end up making yourself ill.
I suspect that it will be these thoughts that will get me through today. I feel all warm and squishy inside.

S.O.S.

Someone, please, I'm surrounded by dancers... send help. Send help now. I'm begging you.

Being A Girl Is A Fucking Rip Off

$104.50
Let me repeat that for you.
$104.50
That's exactly how much I just spent on one new bra. Not many new bras, but ONE.
"Why?" I can hear you asking. Because Being a girl is a fucking rip off. And yes, I know I could go buy a cheaper one but there are problems with that idea too. The main one being the places that sell cheaper bras don't carry my size. (That's right, my boobs are that big. Yay me.) Then there's the fact that when buying a bra, you get what you pay for. So you pay less, you get a shitty bra. I have a bad back (like I said, big boobs) and a shitty bra does not help that problem.
So enjoy them while you can, boys, because if this kind of shit keeps up I'm going to have to chop them off.

Big Pimpin'

In case you'd forgotten or *gasp* hadn't heard, tomorrow is Mr. Fab's Big Honkin' Duet show II. Two solid hours of bloggers making complete asses of themselves, singing in the ancient tradition of Karaoke. It could be the best thing you've ever heard, although it could also be a thing of world ending, soul crushing, brain exploding horror. Either way, you really ought to be there.

Well, I'm all pimped out. It's true what they say "Pimpin' ain't easy".

I'd Sigh If It Didn't Hurt To Do So

After finally getting over that stupid flu/cold thing I had the last two weeks, I am now getting sick AGAIN! Last night at work I noticed my throat was starting to get a bit sore. When we finished watching a movie at my bother's place it was considerably worse. Then this morning I woke up to find I'm having trouble swallowing. It just keeps getting better and better.
The best part of it all, I actually have a whole three day weekend. I was planning on chilling out, and maybe getting a few things off my "to do" list. But no, I can't have a lovely germ free weekend. I get to go find some medication and hope that I feel better by Tuesday.

Dear Oil Companies,

Let me just start by saying fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Now that we've got that out of the way, fuck you. Fuck you right up the ass with something sand-papery, you cock-gobbling cum dumpsters. I can't even come up with something bad enough to compare my hatred for you to that would put it in to perspective. No name I can think up, no expletive I could use, no words yet discovered would accurately describe my feelings for you and your "stealing toys from orphans" level of douche baggery. At this point I think even Hitler would be exclaiming "Mein Gott!"
You can rot in the deepest, darkest pit of hell for all of eternity. You and your fuck buddy George "Dubya".
So in closing let me just say fuck you, you planet killing, war starting, money grubbing, price gouging, soul sucking, cunts.

Sincerely,

-Gwenhwyfar.

So Much For A Lazy Sunday

My cats woke me up at 7.30am. At this point they should just be thankful that I didn't kill them both. Since I couldn't get back to sleep I watched some Star Trek (I finally picked up season 2 of TOS) and talked to a friend of mine for a bit. Now, being the frightfully clever person I am, I decided that it would be a good idea to spend all day making three batches of perogies. Alone.
Why? Why do I do these things to myself? *sigh*
So for the last five hours I've been rolling out dough, developing a wicked hand cramp from using the rolling pin, boiling perogies (which makes the kitchen even hotter) and washing dishes. And the best part of the story, I have to go to work tonight so I'm not even going to get to enjoy them until way later.
I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me.


*In the event that you've never had or heard of perogies, you are missing out on one of life's greatest treasures. I will gladly give you the recipe so you can free yourself from your sad, pathetic, perogy-less life.

Not Want!

It's 7.30 in the morning. Wait. Let me repeat that. 7.30 IN THE MORNING! And I'm at work, surrounded by dancers and their parents and one woman whom I've heard ask god to bless no less than six people since she walked through the door. (Let's hope God is as all loving and forgiving as she seems to think he is, because if she were asking me for that much it'd be wearing pretty fucking thin by now.) I have a feeling today is not going to be a good day. (To be fair, not many days that start at 6.20 am are good days.)
90% of the people I can see at the moment look like they just dropped out of a stripper competition. There is so much hairspray in the air, if anyone tries to light a cigarette, we're all going up in the biggest fireball since the Hindenburg. And most of these kids can't be older that ten. It's actually kind of sad. (Even more sad are the mothers who look that way. In attendance are at least five graduates of the Tammy Fay School of Aesthetics.)
In all honesty it's not nearly so bad as beauty competitions, but you can see it on so many of the parents faces. "You're living my dream, so don't you dare fuck it up." Like every competition like this though, it's all big smiles and look-how-perfect-we-are people. The kind that if you watch and listen long enough, you'll hear the most horrible things said through a smile. It's something I remember painfully well from when I was their age. As much as I hate to admit it, I used to be one of those kids. (Though I was never really one of them, I never did buy in to the whole "girly thing" and they knew it as well as I did.)
So it should be eight fun filled hours of estrogen, nerves, insanity, pressure, judgement and bad music. If you have any mercy you'll come and put me out of my misery. Or at least come and keep me company.


*Update*
In less than an hour I've pointed to the clearly marked admissions desk about three hundred times, dealt with one stolen purse, a kitchen crew that doesn't understand that plugging every coffee maker in to one outlet blows the breaker and complains from people who live in the neighbourhood about people parking in front of their houses. Oh yeah, this is great.

Happy Birthday Steve-o

Happy birthday Steve! Hope it's a really super awesome one.
I'm gonna have to take you out for food or something.

And because I couldn't decide on which picture to use... here's the horrible Baby Huey pic with your horrible gnarley hand. hahahaha

If A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words...

This post is worth at least 15000. I think that beats even my angriest rants. (Also, I totally stole this from Robin...)

Here’s how it works:
1. Go to www.photobucket.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Insert the picture into your Blog

1.) What is your Relationship Status?


2) What is your current mood?


3.) Who is your Favorite Band / Artist?


4.) What is your Favorite Movie?


5.) What kind of pet do you have?


6.) Where do you live?


7.) Where do you work?


8.) What do you look like?


9.) What do you drive?


10)What did you do last night?


11.) What is your Favorite TV Show?


12.) Describe yourself:


13)What are you doing tomorrow?


14.) What is your Name?


15.) What’s your Favorite Candy?


PS - #6 is my favourite just because that made me laugh really, really hard.

Happy Birthday Nanny and Chico

I'd just like to take this opportunity to say Happy birthday to my Grandmother. I hope it was super awesome and I love you.
Also, The 22nd would have been Chico Marx's birthday. Happy Birthday, Chico. May you win all your afterlife bets.

Dear Child,

You are risking remaining a child forever. You should know this because my ability to deal with your level of bullshit never really developed.
Though I suspect you aren't very old, I get the distinct impression that you look a lot younger than you are. I'm going to guess that your family has money, which means little to me and even less to others, trust me. I also suspect that people have told you repeatedly that you're cute and you think that this somehow makes you immune to malice. You would be wrong on that point. Very, very wrong.
You're obnoxious and rude, which may have slipped by your parents notice, but has not escaped mine. So let me explain to you, sweetheart, out in the real world people don't appreciate your kind and there are countless people who will take great joy in crushing you.
So in order to make our next encounter more pleasant and to save you a lot of trouble later on in life, let me impart a few words of wisdom to you. And I am going to suggest very strongly that you read each and every one and make them your mantra from now until the end of time.

1) Please and thank-you. Learn to use them. Over use them. With everyone. All the fucking time. It doesn't matter how small a favour or request, they are expected and notice is taken when they are absent. Not using them makes you sound like a demanding, ungrateful little shit.

2) Thinking things and saying them out-loud don't necessarily go hand in hand. There is a reason people just don't say certain things. The biggest reason being that the wrong thing said at the wrong time to the wrong person will land you in a special place in hell made just for you. You want to be in show biz, kid, you had better learn this one fast. Because anyone and everyone in show biz has had to learn the ass-kissing game. So just for the record, asking about openings in a company and remarking about a friend who works there and gets paid to "sit on his ass and play tetris" in the same breath is probably a monumentally bad idea.

3) Stop. Fucking. Pacing. Sit the fuck down and be quiet. It's really not that hard and for someone who is at least in their teens you should have been able to work that one out already. You're driving everyone insane. The same goes for your humming. Just fucking stop. I shouldn't even have to explain this one. Do you see any of the adults doing that? Do you want to guess why that is?

4) It's called an internal monologue for a reason. Because it's meant to be internal. As in "stays in your head". I don't need to know that the candy that you're eating is grape and I certainly don't need to know that you think grape is gross. Just spit it out and move on. That kind of bullshit is something I would expect from a four year old and even then it would be irritating. What it tells everyone that can hear you is that you're an attention whore. And trust me here, NO ONE LIKES AN ATTENTION WHORE. (And just a PS on spitting out candy or anything else for that matter - go to the washroom and do that you fucking moron. I need to see and hear you spitting out things even less than I need to hear you talk about eating them in the first place. What the hell is wrong with you!?)

5) Almost everyone who goes in to acting will not make it. You should come to terms with that now. Because I have an exceptional memory for faces and it would make my day if I ever got you as a waitress.

Okay, sweet cheeks, got all that? Are we clear now? I certainly hope so. I really do hate having to repeat myself.
Oh and just one final thing. If your parents are the kind of people your behaviour would seem to indicate, could you be a dear and keep them the fuck away from me?

Thanks!

-Gwenhwyfar

Further Proof God Hates Me: Part 2

This is the longest I've been awake in two days. I'm not just kind of sick. I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
Some of you reading this are my friends. If you really love me, you'd put me out of my misery.
I'm going back to bed.

Further Proof God Hates Me

I'm getting sick. I can feel it in every fiber of my being. Germs invading, system failing, mucus glands oozing. Go figure, I just started a new job, I have three orders for baking and I'm in the midst of an insomnia attack. God hates me.
I woke up at 7am yesterday to find that my lungs were burning and my cough was getting worse. Today was met with a repeat of that accompanied by a scratchy throat and achy... well... everything. And as an added bonus I'm really, really, really, fucking tired. All of these things have added up to one cranky Gwen which was compounded by some asshole wearing too much perfume and giving me a splitting headache.
Please, for the love of Fabs, would someone just kill me now and put me out of my misery? Or at least bring me medicine and an extra pillow? Maybe some soup? And a blanket? And if you're on your way anyway, I could really use a tissue. Thanks.

iWhat?

I was taking a look at iTunes earlier and I went in to my Top 25 Most PLayed songs. Looking over the list I can't help but think that it's not an accurate representation of what I've been listening to lately. Especially since the #1 song on the list is one I haven't listened to since last year.
So, does anyone know how I can start the count over to get a better idea of what I've been listening to? I mean, I know what I've been listening to, it's just that I'm curious to see if I've been subconsciously favouring anything.

Happy Birthday Fabs!

Today is Mr. Fab's birthday! And since I loves him so very, very much and since he's so very far away, this video will sadly have to take the place of any fun I could have come up with.
Hope it's a really, really, really super awesome birthday of awesomeness, Fabilicious!

Best Early 90s Reference Of The Week

Another FYI

(To be fair, the last one I posted was almost a week ago. I've just been to busy and/or lazy to post anything since then.)

PMS + Pain + Sleepless nigts + More pain = Incredibly bitchy Gwen.
It's fairly simple, right? That being said, I am trying really hard to be as civil as I can manage and my mood hasn't completely exploded yet. But I have my limits. So let me warn you now and get it out of the way. If you push me right now, I will reach down your throat and rip out your heart.
Clear?
Good.

FYI

At the end of the night, when the theatre is closing down, please leave.
You want to stand and talk with your friends? Great. Do it outside. Meet at the bar down the street. Go to someone's house. Just get the fuck out. It's 11pm and some of us have been at work all fucking day and we'd like to go home.
I shouldn't have to herd you toward the door, especially after standing there for ten minutes with my coat on. What the fuck did you think I was getting at when I put it on? It certainly wasn't because I was cold.
Oh and by the way, if I herd you toward the door at the bottom of the stairs I want you to keep moving. Don't stop and chat some more on the stairs or at the top of the stairs. I want you out. All the way out. This should be this difficult. Just fuck off already.