Friday, February 29, 2008

I've Added A New Link

You can now find Garfield minus Garfield in the links.
Because it's fucking hilarious, that's why. In fact, go read it now.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Thirteen Things That Make Me A Nerd

I totally stole this from Janna.

1. I flatly refuse to watch Babylon 5 season 5 because it was horribly tacked on and I had my closure with the end of season 4.

2. I have seen every episode of Star Trek TNG in broadcast order.

3. I can name more than ten alien races from Star Trek off the top of my head.

4. I own more than two dozen Marvel trading cards.

5. I can pick out my favourite voice actors in any of the things they work on.

6. I have favourite voice actors.

7. I love TNG but I always wish that McCoy was the doctor because I fucking hate Crusher.

8. I make a habit of writing open letters to directors and musicians on my blog, not because I think they'll read them, but because it makes me feel better.

9. Watching the X-men movies, I am mentally cataloguing all of the errors in the story lines and characters.

10. I have to watch any make-up heavy movie at least twice because the first time I watch I don't really notice anything but the make-up.

11. If they turn a book in to a movie I absolutely must watch the movie before I read the book.

12. I still have my favourite stuffed animal and blanket from when I was little and I am as protective of them now as I was then.

13. I am willing to admit all of these things.

Hostess With The Leastest

I'm a terrible hostess. I know I am. It's not because I hate having people over or that I don't know anything about being a good hostess. It's just that I'm a lazy hostess which is something I've just learned to accept about myself.
My mother will spend hours scrubbing every nook and cranny of the house when she knows people are coming over. Even places guests wouldn't possibly see, like under the sink in the bathroom connected to her room. No guest is going to go in there, why scrub? She dusts the tops of the fan blades in the kitchen even when the fan is almost always on and no one is going to be inspecting the fucking fan. (I guess the moral of the story is, she's insane.) And my dad is just as bad. I can remember clearly being yelled at to clean my room because company was coming over. It seemed ridiculous to me as my bedroom door was always closed and no one without a death wish was going to come parading through to inspect how tidy my closet was. I guess I'm just not that worried about what people think about how I keep my house.
I'm also really bad for getting things for people. I don't know what it is. If I'm standing in the kitchen with someone and they ask if they can have a drink, I almost always point out that they are well aware of the location of both the glasses and the drinks. Help yourself. I think I've finally got most of my friends trained to just go get whatever it is that they want. That being said, I'm not impossibly bad about everything. If I make tea or coffee and I got to fill my cup, I always fill everyone else's cups first. If I'm getting something for myself I make a point of offering some to everyone.
I think most of my friends know by now that when they come over they really don't need to knock and wait for me to answer. If I'm at home and awake chances are terrifically good that the door is open. Just come in. All I ask is that you don't let the cats out.
So if you come over, and I'm always happy to have people over, the door is open, food and drink are in the fridge and pantry, dishes are in the cupboard and the bathroom is next to the kitchen. I'd say I'm sorry about the mess, but really I'm not.

Sunday, February 24, 2008


If you're making someone happy because their happiness makes you happy, is that selfish?

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Stupid Ice

I slipped and fell yesterday. I'd love to tell you it was an entirely graceful move on my part, but that would be a lie. I hit a patch of ice on my steps, luckily it was the bottom step and I was going down so I didn't crack my head wide open and I fell into the snow. Unfortunately I fell hard enough to jar my arms and back. So at the moment everything from the tips of my fingers to my elbows and my entire torso are completely stiff and sore.
Stupid winter.

From Me To You 24

- If you have been ignoring you neighbours for months and treating them like shit when you do interact with them, it's best not to assume that you can still come and borrow their shit. Especially if you just take it without asking. That's called stealing and if I catch you again I'll break your face. The same applies to your girlfriend.

- If your popularity is based on your looks alone, it's probably a bad idea to threaten anyone who is unpopular because of their looks with violence. A broken nose will affect you more than them. Trust me on this one.

- The only really good advice my mother ever gave me: Never throw the first punch but always throw the last.

- I shouldn't actually have to say this but COVER YOU FUCKING MOUTH YOU COUGH! Jesus Christ on crutches! I really don't need your nasty germs sprayed all over me and every surface within 20 feet of you.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Crazy Eights

8 Things I’m Passionate About
1. Film
2. Writing
3. My art
4. The people who take the time to read this non-sense
5. Reading
6. My cats
7. My family
8. My personal integrity

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Travel around Europe
2. Find a job that doesn't make me crazy
3. Find a way to make my anger in to a positive thing
4. Spend at least 10% of my life NOT being broke and worrying about money
5. Actually meet all of the bloggers I love (and sodomize them)
6. Win the lotto
7. Meet everyone on my list of people to meet before I die
8. Find someone who doesn't drive me crazy, treat me like shit or lets me down at every given opportunity

8 Things I Say Often

1. Fuck
2. Shit
3. Hell
4. Ass
5. Balls
6. Damnit
7. Fine, then I'll just have to kill you
8. I fucking hate that

8 Books I’ve Read Recently
1. Thank-you, Jeeves
2. Jeeves and the feudal spirit
3. The Porcelain God: The social history of the toilet
4. Dexter in the Dark
5. The walking dead 1-5
6. What ho, Jeeves (I was on a P.G. Wodehouse kick, fuck off.)
7. From Russia with love
8. Goldfinger

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over

1. Death Valley Queen - Flogging Molly
2. Factory Girls - Flogging Molly
3. Pretty Voice - Cloud Cult
4. Car Crash - Cloud Cult
5. Me and Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin
6. Here it goes again - Ok Go
7. Them there eyes - Billie Holiday
8. Feeling Good - Nina Simone

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends

1. Twisted sense of humor
2. Being able to understand at least half of the stupid jokes and obscure references I make
3. Laughing at my stupid jokes and obscure references
4. Intelligence
5. Honesty
6. Passion for what they believe in, even if I don't completely agree
7. Nice ass
8. Not getting pissed off when I call bullshit and being able to call it back.

8 People I Think Should Do Crazy 8’s

1. Robin
2. Adam
3. Jason
4. Blue
5. Bron
6. Janna
7. Turnbaby
8. Chelle

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Don Cherry, I Love You

I'm serious, completely serious. I love this man so much. And this coat is a thing of dreams. Wonderful technicolor dreams. I want to be buried in this coat. If I ever win the lotto it's the first thing I'm going to buy.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I Finally Found it!

A "holiday" I hate more than Christmas. I hate this stupid fucking bullshit day. More than you will ever know.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Just Getting Paid To Write Would Be Good

I have a suspicion that anyone who has a blog that they actually update regularly secretly dreams of being a writer. I know I would love to get paid for writing. Hell, I do enough of it. But then it was Hunter S. Thompson who said "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." So maybe it's a "grass is always greener" kind of thing.
Anyway, on to the meme (which I'm stealing from Fabs.)

10 Signs A Book Was Written By Me

1. Most of the cover is obscured by the "Explicit Content" warning sticker.

2. After about the first ten pages you realize it really is just one long rant about something stupid.

3. Total occurrences of the word Fuck (or some variant): 35,478

4. Understanding everything in it exposes you for the nerd you are.

5. There is an entire chapter devoted to bending bloggers over a child sized coffin and fisting them.

6. There are chapters devoted to Kevin Spacey, Alan Rickman and the Wonder Twins.

7. Jerry Falwell's corpse reanimates itself in order to protest its release.

8. Page 115 is just a grocery list that got suck in there by mistake.

9. The audio book is read by John de Lancie but he is credited as Q.

10. When you take every fifth word from every third page and get instructions for building a working time machine.


If the nature of my complaint about you is the way you speak to me, giving me the silent treatment isn't hurting my feelings. I've been wishing that you'd shut the fuck up for months.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Dear Marilyn,

Or is it Mr. Manson? Does it matter any more really? Can we talk for a minute? Because there is something on my mind and it's your latest album. I picked it up today because, despite what's been said about the glory days of shock rock, I still like your stuff a lot (though I'd be lying if I said that Mechanical Animals was my all time favourite album).
Antichrist Superstar was great, it came out at the right time for me and for all it says about me, it meant a lot to me at the time. It was what I needed to vent some of my personal rage (now I have a blog to help me with that). Listening to the older albums and everything that followed I was right there with you. Right up to Golden Age (which I really do love, by the way). It was stagey and over the top and shlocky, but I loved it. In fact that's part of the reason why I loved it.
But this new one, Eat Me Drink Me, I... I just don't know what to say. I listened to the first track a little confused. I thought maybe it was because I'd been listening to a lot of Rammstein in the last week and I was having trouble switching gears. So I listened to the second, more confusion. After the fourth I shut it off. I can't remember the last time I listened to a CD put out by an artist well established in my collection for the first time and shut it off less than half way through. But I actually decided I must be in a weird mood or something. I'd pick it up later and try again. It can't be that bad.
It's later now and I'm listening again. I know it's not my mood. I know it's not a mental gear still stuck in german industrial. It's this CD.
It is that bad.
And worse than that, it's laughably bad. The more I listen the more I want to turn it off. I think it's actually breaking my soul. It's just so fucking... emo.
Christ, man, you went from being the religious-right's number one enemy, the fucking Antichrist Superstar to being a sad sack, ballady, wannabe spooky, emo of the fucking week. I mean this shit is so fucking lame I didn't even really hear about it until very recently because no one was protesting it. The rabid, suit wearing, bible thumping Jesus freaks weren't offended enough to protest which means the media didn't report it, which means no free advertising. And as much as I'm sure they would hate to admit anything of the kind, they have been the biggest help to your career over the years.
You know this as well as I do. I've watched you for years. You're a salesman and a damned good one. You've sold yourself, your image and you've used every trick in the book to make sure than everyone knows your name and knows your music. It was genius. You deliberately pushed people in to a frenzy because you know how much free advertising and controversy are worth in the long run. I think that you should be applauded for the skill with which you stayed on top of it all.
But this garbage isn't even worth one fucking protest sign.
Every song is a garbled mess. The music itself sounds like you've hired some drug addled homeless crazies with no knowledge of musical structure or ability to play, well, anything and let them have at it. A good 75% of the vocals sound like they're being slurred by a hopeless drunk who's just lost his best friend, his dog, his job and anything else he ever valued. It's the same aggravating monotone talk-moan-whine-not-quite-singing bullshit on every goddamned fucking track. The lyrics are such emo whiney shit that I can picture a fourteen year old with that cockbag haircut sitting in a dark room trying desperately to write something deep and dark and spooky. Even the fucking CD insert is annoying. Every picture is of you, looking sad and whiney.
I'd blame this all on drugs or alcohol, but I know that you've been going hard on those since day one. So what? Did you write this album sober?
I would happily welcome back that questionable Glam Rock faze, complete with boobs and all, rather than have to listen to this shit. Listening to it I kept waiting for the music to stop, for you to laugh and apologize because it was a joke. A really bad joke. But you didn't, because it's not.
It's just sad, shitty, garbage.

Sorry for being so harsh, man. Sometimes the truth hurts, but you have to hear it. And me, I'm no good at sugarcoating.


Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I Shouldn't Be Left Alone

I don't know what it is lately, but in the last week it seems like whenever I'm around people I'm in a pretty good mood. This afternoon I made it through an entire car ride with my mother without feeling the urge to strangle the life out of her. Work has been good. Even the most trying person I had to deal with all week didn't faze me at all.
But as soon as I'm home alone it all goes to shit. I fall into a really horribly shitty mood. I'm not angry or sad or anything. I just feel like shit. I think the closest thing to how I feel is a general sense of malaise.
I'm sure a big part of it is that I have entirely too much time to think. I know better than anyone that it's not a good thing. When I sit around thinking about everything I end up working myself into, well, this. But I'm really struggling with a way out of the cycle. I'm broke so I stay home and end up thinking about being broke which makes me feel like shit. So I try thinking about ways to not be broke which ends up making me feel hopeless (don't ask why, I don't know). Gah... Stupid brain! Shut up!
Anyway, I feel like shit.


I blog more when I'm in a good mood.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Things I Think

Listening to an audience clapping in a darkened theatre, it sounds almost like rain on the pavement. And when the applause rains down it's a beautiful thing. I understand how people get addicted to it because even when it's not for me, I want it to go on forever.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

New Levels In Laziness

Not only am I just stealing this meme from Robin and Adam, but I'm not even going to do the whole thing. Just the ones I feel like answering.

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color + favorite animal)
Black Cat

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name + street you live on)
Embury (I don't have a middle name)

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad’s side, your favorite candy)
Edith Sourpatch (that sounds dirty)

YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (your first pet’s name + street you grew up on)
Ozzy Dorian Scrivener (Hawt!)

JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your grandmother’s maiden name spelled backwards)

YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (second favorite color + favorite alcoholic drink)
Black Hellraiser (is that like blackula?)

YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of a main character in the last movie you watched, last food you ate)
Bill Creme Egg (Oh yeah, that screams action hero)

YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (your parents’ middle names)
Leigh (Like Cher, I only need one name)

YOUR GOTH NAME: (black + the name of your pet)
Black Dorian Ozzy


I am judging you based on the kinds of books you check out at the library.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

From Me To You 23

- Things that are certain to make me laugh at you: wiping your face with the bundle of cutlery wrapped in a napkin, flossing your teeth with the string from the tea bag, picking your teeth with the end of your straw and admitting to playing DDR by yourself at home (especially if it's the Mario version).

- If you're only getting one word answers from me and you have to actually say something to me first to get me to talk at all, I don't like you. In fact I don't even like you enough to waste my time explaining all of the things about you I find repellant. Believe me, if it gets to this point you should just stay the fuck away from me.

- If your girlfriend sounds like someone's mother, run. Run far and run fast. Just get the fuck away from that scary bitch.

- If you want to ask reference type questions, ask someone in reference. That's why they get the big bucks. And I'm certainly not getting enough to do their job for them.

- Acting snotty because you want me to do something differently will make me care even less about whatever it is that you're pissy about. You act like a civilized person and so will I. That's how it works.

- Repeat after me, pissing off my entire staff in order to save a few dollars is NOT worth it! The couple of dollars you'll save won't cover the loss of good people who know how to do their job.

- People work harder, for longer and do a better job when they can take pride in what they are doing and feel like they are accomplishing something. Trust me on this one. I know what I'm talking about.

- Me not liking you and me being angry at you are not always the same thing. Assuming otherwise is silliness which will make them the same thing very quickly.

- If you have to ask, I'm not mad at you.